Lost in translation

[luvstarved]

a4a you are soooo right. And that is what I do when he is not involved. I EXPLAIN the reasons but most of all my best technique is to USE HUMOR AND IT WORKS!!!

 

If my daughter forgets to call me when she is supposed to, I tell her that the next time i will have to track her down like a dog, grab her by the hair and do everything in my power to mortally embarrass her in front of her friends, KK??

After she spit in the sink, I told her later that doing that would cause germs to crawl into the garbage disposal and mate with old food and attack our family in the night. She KNOWS I am kidding because I am practically laughing when I tell her. When I have had to punish them, I will make it clear that I love them and that I hate to punish them but that they leave me no choice when they don't comply with appropriate rules and that ultimately it is their own fault that they are grounded, etc.

 

That isn't to say that I NEVER get frustrated and raise my voice. I do. Probably once every couple of months, if he were not involved. They can be annoying. And so can I. That's normal life. Everyone loses their temper occasionally and well...you talk about it and apologize, that's all.

 

And yeah...a week without the computer for leaving the soda can. Right. What is funny is that he or I OF COURSE also do the same thing. There have been several occasions where he has started to go off about something like that and I will say "Well that was ME" and he's like "Oh" and I am thinking...well can I use the computer or not????

 

AAAIIGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Moose]

Man am I getting ripped a new one or what?

 

I didn't have much time to go into detail yesterday, and I do happen to work during the week too......

 

So briefly, I do agree with just about everything said here.

 

The brunt of it though can be taken care of by luvstarved.

 

The problem is, it's going to seem like more work for her, than it is for him.

 

Everyone is saying that his rules are designed to benefit only him.....you're wrong!

 

If he's a happy camper, everyone will be happier.

 

Does it have to be to the letter what he wants? NO

 

Do you have to be at his every beckoned call? NO

 

Do you have to treat him like royalty? NO

 

Do you have to kiss his azz everytime you turn around? NO

 

I'd like to think that luvstarved is smart enough to figure out that she has the ability to MAKE her husband feel he's in charge.

 

Yes, in my house I am the leader. I make the final decisions. I bring the punishments, I do the scolding and the lecturing. But who's the boss???

 

Ask any of my kids and they'll tell you it's Mom......

[a4a]

well Luv why not impose the same rules on the H....... he acts up take away his computer for 2 weeks.......

 

Really though, it looks like you know you are not perfect and error. Nobody is perfect.

 

Now what are you planning on doing if your H decides he does not error? If he is not willing to change?

 

This is abuse and your kids (all kids in the house) need a positive role model. If he is not willing to step up to the plate as a parent and learn proper and appropriate parenting and relationship skills what are you going to do?

 

Now I have to say I find it amazing that you think he loves you. A person that loves you would not be so disrespectful. I think perhaps it may be a good idea to take a look at why you are so willing to tolerate his behavior (self esteem, you cannot find anyone else, money?) towards you.

 

I love my wife so I call her a C when I am angry.

I love my wife so I do my best to suck as a parent. (ok that was harsh, but you get it)

I love my wife so I don't care if looking at porn hurts her.

I love my wife so I am not working on my sexual problems in the M.

I love my wife so I like to cause conflict within our home.

 

Interesting form of love. Not trying to be harsh....... but actions show love as well as words do....... if not more.

[a4a]

Man am I getting ripped a new one or what?

 

I didn't have much time to go into detail yesterday, and I do happen to work during the week too......

 

So briefly, I do agree with just about everything said here.

 

The brunt of it though can be taken care of by luvstarved.

 

The problem is, it's going to seem like more work for her, than it is for him.

 

Everyone is saying that his rules are designed to benefit only him.....you're wrong!

 

If he's a happy camper, everyone will be happier.

 

Does it have to be to the letter what he wants? NO

 

Do you have to be at his every beckoned call? NO

 

Do you have to treat him like royalty? NO

 

Do you have to kiss his azz everytime you turn around? NO

 

I'd like to think that luvstarved is smart enough to figure out that she has the ability to MAKE her husband feel he's in charge.

 

Yes, in my house I am the leader. I make the final decisions. I bring the punishments, I do the scolding and the lecturing. But who's the boss???

 

Ask any of my kids and they'll tell you it's Mom......

 

 

Well see the problem is this man does not have the skills or ability to be a leader to these children....... like saying: let a4a think and feel like she is a heart surgeon and go ahead and let her operate on that patient that just rolled in.

 

If he this continues and she feeds him to think that his current mode of operation is the correct one and sits around and waits for him to become a good parent by letting him think he is in charge ........who pays the price for this grand experiment?

 

First of all it won't work. He has no clue what he is doing, how much pain, scars, and the life he is laying out for these kids ....... or for Luv. He thinks he is already right and in charge, he flexed his head of household muscle already by throwing a bag at the kid, calling her a bitch.

 

The man has no empathy......... none. Making him feel like he is in charge will not cure that. It will just make him think he is right with his current mode of behavior.

 

If anything he is begging to be put in his place. He probably was an out of control kid and still is that same damn out of control bossy kid........is this true Luv? He never grew up.

[Moose]

Well, I'm done here. a4a is putting words in luvstarved's mouth now.....I'll never hear the friggin' end of it....

 

Good luck luvstarved. Be weary of some advice on here ok?

[PussInHeels]

The rantings of your husband sound like someone who is desperate. He is desperate because he has no control and no respect. He has neither of these things because of how he interacts with the kids. It's a cycle. Every time he yells and calls them names and goes crazy, it sends this message to the kids: "I'm losing it because I can't handle you. I should be on a superior level to you and take control of the situation without this much effort. I can't take control; therefore, I am not superior to you." And so, he gets no respect, and most of all, the kids feel he is weak enough to be battled.

 

This is why yelling and throwing stuff and calling kids names doesn't work; it incites them to become combative. If my mother called me a "bitch" when I was a teenager, I would have called her one right back to her face. The two of you should work on techniques together so that the kids seem him as an authority and not an enemy. I guess I can only suggest more counseling and I hope it works out for you.

 

By the way, the first step is being able to argue effectively with the kids. They are teenagers, so reasoning with them and explaining his position as if they were adults can help them respect his position more. This doesn't mean he has to compromise, but this manner is less insulting to them so they'd be more likely to listen.

[lasan]

*Disclaimer* My son is only two years old. Anything I have to say here is based on watching my brother and sister and their step-families*

 

I agree with Moose to an extent. I have seen this exact type of situtation going on with both my brother and my sisters families. (they both have blended families) . In both cases the mothers (my sister in law, and my sister) Were being way to easy on the children that were their own. They didn't see it like that. It made both of their spouses frustrated and angry after a couple years. My brother in law told my sister that either they were going to be united in front of the kids, and tighten up, or they were seperating because he couldn't take it anymore. They got untied in front of the kids and now everything is ok. My Brother and his wife didn't change anything. They have one daughter who won't speak to either of them. They have another daughter who thinks the world owes her everything because her mother catered to her. THey have three younger children who are wondering why their half sister got to do pretty much whatever she wanted. (you ask my sister in law right now if thats how things were and she would say no even now that my niece is grown)

 

I think your spouse is acitng out because he is at the end of his rope. (just from what I have read, obviously I don't know the intimate details of your marriage lol)

 

I was in my room by 8:30 everynight until I moved out of my parents house. I don't see a problem with that. Sorry! 2 weeks without a computer is a bit tough though.

 

Either way, you guys need to be united in front of the kids or else nothing is ever going to change.

[a4a]

 

Either way, you guys need to be united in front of the kids or else nothing is ever going to change.

 

Totally agree that they have to be united. So so agree. But call the W a C, calling the kids a bitch is not proper parenting skills. I could not unite behind that sort of behavior.

 

Apparently Luv did back up her H but in a appropriate and proper manner. Telling the daughter that she was wrong for the friend invite and sink spitting.

 

This is a delicate situation and the parents need to have set rules, stick to them, and use appropriate language and communication skills AS A TEAM.

 

Just making the H feel like he is in charge will not solve it or give him the proper skills to parent appropriatley. He needs professional help to learn these things.

 

And 8 pm is a tad early for the kids..... how much family time are they getting? I can see saying on wed, fri, and sun we need our own time and would like you in your rooms (happily) by 9 pm.

 

Parents need rules to follow themselves as well as the kids need rules. Right now there are no rules for either in this house that seem reasonable or fair.....or for that matter that are adhered to.

[PussInHeels]

Either way, you guys need to be united in front of the kids or else nothing is ever going to change.

 

I totally agree with you on that.

[Guest]

Making him feel like he is in charge will not cure that. It will just make him think he is right with his current mode of behavior.

 

EXACTLY! Moose, you don't turn the country over to the dictator. That doesn't teach him anything.

[lasan]

a4a- it was on school nights I should add. I was in my room, but I went to bed whenever I got tired. And no, calling a kid a bitch isn't a good idea.

 

Kid's are smart. I do belive Bill Cosby once said there isn't a CIA, FBI or KGB agent that could lie, conceal theft, and many other infractions, like a child. I agree. Kid's know how to play their situations. Especially in step-parenting type deals. Even worse if they know they always have their parent in their corner. They don't even have to be blatant about it. I think when these types of arguments are occuring over step-children, both parents should keep this in mind.

[luvstarved]

Yeah there has been a lot going on. I freaked out about the sexless stuff over the summer and he had been rising to the occasion so to speak in that regard and has not looked at porn since, so thought that was good. Also at some point last spring he said that he was going to leave the kids to me and stay out of it. That continued more or less through the summer. There was still thinly veiled hostility but not much unadulterated rage. There was never any affair.

 

Since then, the kids have done better. Not that they were as "out there" as he said - ever. Really - soda cans and towels and clothes on the floor. Horrors!!!

 

It started up again when their getting ready for school routine again began interfering with his morning routine. Also, I thought that he was getting into the sex but in retrospect I wonder whether he wasn't feeling pressured and resentful about my "demands" on him to perform. That's just a guess.

 

a4a, I did not say that I think he loves me, I said that he SAYS he loves me and is happy. I meant to say that I thought he was either lying or self-deluding, but perhaps I forgot.

 

Folks, he has been trying to get my attention all day and I have been polite but cold. Rather than go home, I went to the mall after work and took care of some things. Got home just in time to start getting the littlest one ready for bed. Which I have to go do in just a minute!

 

Moose, if you are still here, this guy is nothing like the head of anything. He does this to contribute to the house: mows the lawn, uses the snowthrower, changes the litter box and occasionally makes one or two of those annoying personal business calls everyone has to make. But even then he has to consult with me on how to do it. I do ALL of the shopping, ALL of the helping with homework, getting ready for school and night time, ALL of the cleaning, ALL of the finances and make MOST of the money. I even buy my own Xmas and birthday gifts, for the most part. Sometimes I just provide a list then he will get his mom to do the fetching and wrapping. That's IT people!

 

When I was 8 months pregnant I wanted to fix up the nursery and tried to enlist his help. He reluctantly agreed and less than a half hour into removing wallpaper he picked a fight from nowhere and stormed off to the gym. I finished the room entirely be myself and when relatives were over, he pulled me aside and asked if it would be ok if he claimed to have helped with it (I did a good job!). When he had to write essays for a job application, guess who wrote them? And guess who continually asked why they weren't done yet?

 

After the sexless thing I mentally gave it 4-6 months to figure out whether there is any future here. It has been a little over two. I am not sure that I will need the additional time to come to my conclusions. I think it is telling when the thought stops making you sad and starts making you feel relieved.

 

We'll see what happens.

[a4a]

Luv I was not picking on you or trying to tell you what you feel.... just point blank- his actions do not show love towards you not even a passive effortless love for you, the kind that he just does nothing and is nice to you or helpful.

 

What you have here is a parent child relationship with him. He is very much acting like a child.

[Moose]

Luv I was not picking on you or trying to tell you what you feel.... just point blank- his actions do not show love towards you not even a passive effortless love for you, the kind that he just does nothing and is nice to you or helpful.

 

What you have here is a parent child relationship with him. He is very much acting like a child.

OR

 

He's acting like a frightened adult.......he's lost control, and doesn't know what to do to feel comfortable again.

 

Big difference.....

[lasan]

Darn it Moose beat me to it again. I agree, he has lost control and he doesn't know how to get it back.

[a4a]

Darn it Moose beat me to it again. I agree, he has lost control and he doesn't know how to get it back.

 

Well there is a good chance he never had to have control. I am guessing that his parents probably his mother did everything for him. He was taken care of and seeing how mom still does his shopping for him, well he probably put Luv in the role of his second mother instead of wife/partner. She has been feeding it without seeing it.

 

It is time for him to take control in an appropriate adult manner. Time to grow up and mature. He needs IC asap. My guess is he will refuse to do so unless his parent figures give him no choice but to do so.

 

He certainly needs help with his parenting skills. And the whole family should not have to tolerate his out bursts.

 

Luv I wish you luck.

[Moose]

Why does he need IC? This isn't solely his problem.....

[a4a]

Why does he need IC? This isn't solely his problem.....

 

I truly believe he would be less defensive if in IC vs. MC to start.

Perhaps his fear could surface more quickly without the witnessing of it with the spouse present.

 

Luv needs her own IC as well as them in MC if they are both willing.

[luvstarved]

Well in 45 minutes we will be in a counseling session and I am sitting here trying to figure out some way that I can convey my feelings without getting overrun or accused. He will get mad no matter how I say it, if I imply anything that means he has changes to make.

 

I do get the whole difficulty with stepchildren thing. I have not been in that position but I am a rational person. My daughters and I all realize without bitterness that he is going to feel somewhat differently about his bio. daughter. And I have heard plenty of stories about how even bio parents can disagree hotly on discipline issues. He was a pretty good stepdad (he's always had anger issues but at least there was affection and care in the mix too) until our own daughter was born and since then it's just all deteriorated into the other two just being inconvenient and annoying. I understand that to some extent but the way he resents them is just beyond reasonable.

 

Right now I am feeling very pessimistic and I have been polite but distant for several days. He asked me what's going on today and I gave him the short version ("our marriage is dying right before our eyes") and he basically said that things are better than ever. WTF? And he followed up with "well it's hard to deal with teenagers..." AAAIIGGGGHHHH!

 

So even on the simplest surface overview, we entirely disagree. Where's the hope?

 

So I am sitting here sighing in advance, thinking about how he is probably going to just deny, deflect and disregard my feelings. I am going to stay open minded and hope he surprises me but we'll see.

 

You know, when he tells me that <daughter 2> is the big problem in this family, he just can't come up with what she could possibly do to please him. All he says is that she needs to respect him. Doesn't he have to earn that SOMEWHAT? I can make her pretend to respect him, and I have actually done so before (I didn't call it pretend, but just that she had to show him respect whether she felt it or not) and it has worked for a while, but hell, she lost her temper too. Why is it not ok for her to lost her temper while his is justified?

 

a4a is right. That's the problem. I try to support him and then he does this nutty stuff and this ad hoc inconsistent rules stuff and of course the kids are totally hip to the fact that the rules he comes up with are all designed for his convenience, not to do the right thing to mold them into effective adults. (He never says anything about homework or grades to them, and when I have to go out of town and ask where they are, he simply "doesn't know" even if they have TOLD him - it's always about getting them out of the way and having them not create any noise or messes in the house).

 

Also right about the parents thing. Mom tells him he is right even when she knows he is wrong and it drives me nuts. She also jumps when he says jump and apologizes when he has a nutty with her...so yeah I guess that is what he expects from a male/female relationship. But WTH can I do about that NOW???

 

Well I am sure I will post later through an abundance of tears. The support I get here is so appreciated.

[luvstarved]

Man, our counselor is GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. I knew she was good, we have been going, as family and couple alternately for a couple of months...

but I went in tonight fearing the worst (big blowup from him in response to what I had to say) and came out feeling much more hopeful.

 

Number one breakthrough: H said the words "you know, you're right <daughter 2> is NOT the problem". When he said that, I said "HALLELUJAH". Because he has been blaming her for everything forEVER. The counselor seemed pleased too.

 

She has a way of making him see the light without getting confrontational, very diplomatic. WOOHOO!

 

Other biggie was that he FINALLY admitted to his anger issue and promised to work on it. Obviously, this is a wait and see proposition at best but while he has previously said things like, "well I suppose I could have handled it better BUT SHE..." this time he really seemed to get it.

For the first time, HE continued to talk about this issue rather than trying

to change the subject, recast blame, etc. I would be a fool to think that I have seen the last nutty - old habits die hard - but the first step of acknowledgment at least leaves room for hope.

 

I also confessed that I had a growing fear that things were hopeless. So that came out, too - that I was about 0 incidents away from calling it quits.

 

It will feel good to eat and sleep again - hope it lasts!! Wish me luck and thanks for all of your great input. I am sure that I quoted some of you during the session, hope you don't mind the thought theft!

[Moose]

Good to hear luvstarved, it's my sincere hope that you'll have to change your user name to something more positive!!