Lost in translation

[luvstarved]

Sigh! Things were going so well for me and my H - sex life on the upswing, communication improving, etc and now somehow it has all fallen to s**t.

 

His view: my two teenagers (his stepkids) are "out of control" and I am afraid to stand up to them. I take their side and am not on his team. Their behavior is what has this household in an uproar and it will never change. He has spoken to other people who agree with him. His outbursts of anger are completely justified because he is not getting the respect he deserves. My kids suck up all of my time and energy to the point that he and our biological daughter are left neglected. Moreover, all the yelling is upsetting to the bio. daughter but it is the other girls' behavior that causes him to have these outbursts so the solution is for their behavior to change. His needs are at the bottom of the list. He has tried to establish discipline and respect but I undermine him and just let them do whatever they want. He has been kicked to the curb. He is a model citizen and is not a part of the problem. If he were not here and getting angry, things would be much more out of control than they are now. The proper rules for the house should be no sleepovers ever (in our house, not an issue for THEM to go elsewhere), and all activity to stop at 8pm: they should be in their own rooms by then, watching tv if they must, but no computer, kitchen closed, and limited trips to the bathroom, because he wants peace and quiet. The disrespect is mutual but why should he be the one to do anything about it when it is their behavior that caused the problem in the first place.

 

My view: my two teenagers are not out of control. They are unfocused academically and don't do that great in school but at 15 and 16 have never done anything in the category of "out of control" in my mind. His daily angry outbursts are the primary cause of tension in the household. I am not afraid of them and do not "side" with them but am not able to "join his team" and back him up when he is having a venom spewing red faced nutty. Other people agree with him because he is giving only his side of the story and not bothering to mention his part in it. None of these great sources of advice have ever met me or my daughters. His sense of discipline is to bark orders and make ad hoc rules and ad hoc punishments. He has lost their respect by acting like a raving lunatic over the least little thing. They do need to respect him more (when he yells at them, sometimes they yell back, things like "you're not my real parent", "why don't you just leave me alone", "you're crazy", etc) but it has to be mutual and as the adult it should start with him. I allow that things that do not bother me genuinely bother him, but when I asked him to try to elaborate on what exact behaviors do bother him so intensely, he deflects by telling me that I am clueless for not seeing it and if he has to spell it out for me, it's hopeless.

 

These are the things that most recently threw him into a rage:

 

1) daughter invited a friend over on a day she had not attended school because she had said she didn't feel well that morning.

2) daughter coughed and spit into the empty kitchen sink that she was standing next to.

 

I wasn't there for the first one but the conversation for the second went something like this:

 

He: Did you just spit in the sink?

She: Yeah...

He: DO NOT SPIT IN THE SINK!

She: OK whatever...

He: I've told you not to spit in the sink. That's disgusting.

She: OK!!!

He: DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE YOUR BACK TALK! SPITTING IN THE SINK IS DISGUSTING AND THE NEXT TIME YOU DO IT THERE WILL BE NO COMPUTER FOR A WEEK!

She: You're crazy! Don't even talk to me!

He: I'm not crazy! You're a little punk and a little bitch!!!!

She: I am not talking to you. You're going crazy over nothing.

He: You WILL LISTEN TO ME! I am not going to roll over and let you do what you want. This is my house and I make the rules.

She: Can I say something?

He: No I don't want to hear anything you have to say. You're a little bitch and you're out of control and your attitude sucks.

She: Well when I try to say something you just talk over me.

He: You're out of control and your mother has let you get out of control. She might be afraid of you but I'm not.

She: Afraid? You're being irrational and I am nto going to talk to you when you are irrational.

He: Yes you will. You'd better get your behavior under control.

She: Just leave me alone!!!

He: (picks up clothing we had just bought at store and throws it at her) You're a little bitch and I can't wait until you're gone!

She: Are you serious? I can't believe you just did that!

 

etc...mind you, they were both yelling at the top of their lungs there, but you get the idea. I am down the hall minding my own business. THEN my husband comes to me and continues to rant and rave, yelling at me now, telling me that my kids are the problem and the way I have raised them is the problem and how he has tolerated more than he should have to, and on and on. We're well into the second half hour of this incident by now. I basically don't respond much because he IS being irrational and I refuse to jump in on the anger bandwagon. I call my daughter in and just say "don't spit in the sink anymore. Consider this a rule that will be punishable if you do it again. Do you understand?" "Yes" "ok" (calm voices). He says I am kissing her ass. He says that I am not backing him up. He says that I am taking her side. I say that if he had calmly come to me and told me that she had spit in the sink and it bothered him, he KNOWS that I would have gone and told her the same thing - don't do it anymore, etc. He says that if patients at the hospital (rehab program) acted like she did, then they would be kicked out. I say that if counselors acted the way that he did, they would be kicked out. I tell him that the whole situation could have been defused if he had simply come to me, spoken calmly and not completely lost his temper, then we could have presented a calm united front. He says that I am trying to make everything his fault when the problem is HER!!! He says that he is not the one that needs to change, she is. I ask him if he would be able to write down for me what those things are she needs to change (I am intentionally being very calm) as I genuinely do not know what they are (beyond yes, she should not yell at him either). He says that that's also part of the problem - that I don't see it!!!

 

Other things that enrage him: use of more than one towel per shower, food-related items left in their rooms (occasionally), hair in the sink, extended time in the bathroom, phone being missing from cradle and/or in use when he needs it (frequently, I admit), their desire to use the computer after 8pm, clothing on their floor (frequently!!), forgetting to turn off the stove or unplug hair dryer (VERY rarely, maybe once a year??? agree with him on this, but to get ENRAGED???), them asking me for rides, me giving them rides (frequently but so what?), phone ringing after 8pm, their friends being here, attempts to drag heels or avoid doing chores, not doing chores when asked (which happens, but verrrrrry rarely, 2-3 times a year???).

 

Worst behavior incident: got called by police to pick daughter up this summer. Some kids had been goofing in the woods and got loud. This was about 9pm. There were 5 kids. Some had been drinking. They were playing some tag game or something. They were all given breathalyzers. My daughter blew a 0.0.

 

So, no drinking, no smoking, no stealing, no drugs, no screwing around (that I know of), no hateful remarks (they really just try to stay out of his way), no animosity toward the half-sister, "problem" in school has always been them not caring,n ot performing but otherwise being called very nice girls. In short, lazy selfish NORMAL teenage behavior in my mind. Meanwhile, one daughter just came home for the first time just barely not making honor roll (she practically flunked out last year). I am proud, but can't enjoy it because deep down I am supposed to agree that she is "out of control". My daughters are indeed not perfect and I get frustrated and angry with them sometimes too. I have told H countless times that I DO agree with him on some things but my main issue is with the delivery and the inconsistency and the harshness of some of the rules. He just wants me to side with him 100% all the time even when I think HE has lost control or is being extremely unfair. Doing less means that I have chosen them over him.

 

THOUGHTS????? We are in counseling...but haven't realy gotten to "him" yet. Last time we did, he walked out of counseling and never went back.

[melodymatters]

Wow, that sounds like a difficult situation ! My ex husband never had any kids of his own, and his parents were very strict, so he ALWAYS thought my daughter was out of control, rude, lazy etc, and I would be like " she's a KID !" Thats normal stuff .

 

If he won't go to counseling than you and your daughters should go so you can cope with this situation as healthily as you can.

 

Also, there is NO WAY calling a teenage girl a Bitch is acceptable, sorry. That at least has to stop ASAP !

[Guest]

 

His outbursts of anger are completely justified because he is not getting the respect he deserves.

 

Bogus. You earn respect. If you haven't earned it, it's your fault so getting angry won't fix a thing.

 

The proper rules for the house should be no sleepovers ever (in our house, not an issue for THEM to go elsewhere), and all activity to stop at 8pm: they should be in their own rooms by then, watching tv if they must, but no computer, kitchen closed, and limited trips to the bathroom, because he wants peace and quiet.

 

That is sick and twisted. 8 pm is the time you put little kids to bed. These people are a couple years away from being able to vote and live on their own so they should be able to be up and out among the adults until 10 or 11.

 

I allow that things that do not bother me genuinely bother him, but when I asked him to try to elaborate on what exact behaviors do bother him so intensely, he deflects by telling me that I am clueless for not seeing it and if he has to spell it out for me, it's hopeless.

 

These are abusive remarks. Why, exactly, do you want to remain with a man like this?

 

1) daughter invited a friend over on a day she had not attended school because she had said she didn't feel well that morning.

 

I agree that was wrong. If she's unwell, then she's not supposed to be having fun with friends. You should have told her that the friend was not allowed to come over - or if she's well enough to see friends, then she has to go to school.

 

2) daughter coughed and spit into the empty kitchen sink that she was standing next to.

 

I also agree with him here. That was gross, disgusting, and unhealthy. You should tell her to never do it again. She can get a tissue, go and spit in the toilet, or swallow it - stomach juices will wipe out any germs. WTF is with women spitting anyway? Or for that matter men. Disgusting. But I digress.

 

I wasn't there for the first one but the conversation for the second went something like this:

 

He: I'm not crazy! You're a little punk and a little bitch!!!!

 

Completely inappropriate. By losing his temper and name-calling, he reduces himself to the level of a third-grader. In order to earn and retain respect, HE HAS TO REMAIN IN CONTROL OF HIMSELF.

 

He: (picks up clothing we had just bought at store and throws it at her)

 

And you should tell him that if he EVER throws anything at or hits anybody in the house, he is GONE. Period. That is completely, totally, utterly unacceptable.

 

He says that I am trying to make everything his fault when the problem is HER!!!

 

He has serious problems of his own. Blaming everyone else for your anger is an abuser's MO.

 

THOUGHTS????? We are in counseling...but haven't realy gotten to "him" yet. Last time we did, he walked out of counseling and never went back.

 

Either he agrees to modulate his behaviour or he's out. Having a ticking time bomb in the house is not good for you or for your children. No matter what his good points may be, this is too significant a bad point to ignore. So the message to him is that HIS behaviour will no longer be tolerated and if he doesn't fly straight, he's gone.

[Touche]

Your husband needs to back off completely now and let you handle them. The name calling has GOT to stop. HE is the adult here and he's out of control. It's very tough being a stepparent. I've been in his shoes (both in my last marriage and my current one.) But he's not handling this well AT ALL. Yes, family counseling would more than likely do some good. And bring up the name-calling. That's abusive in my book and he has NO RIGHT to do that.

 

Tell your husband to back the hell off and let you handle things for now. Sounds like he's making things worse. I was actually ready to take his side until I saw that he was calling your daughters bitches. He's not a fit stepparent. Continue to calmly tell you what changes he'd like to see but YOU should be the one enforcing rules now..not him.

[A stepkid]

I have been in that situation where i was the step kid who hated my stepfather. My stepfather had pet peeves and the way he solved them were not always favorable.

 

For example, if the bathroom was dirty, then he would take comet and sprinkle it on every surface including the floor. it dove my sis and I crazy.

 

But the difference is we knew our place. We did not wage war against him.

If we felt we were right, then we went to our mother and stated our case. If we were wrong, she told us so. If we were right, she told us to do as he said but went and spoke to him about his method of solving the situation.

 

I think you may need to talk to your teenagers about being more respectful towards him. They need to know when to hold their tongues eyes whatever. He shouldn't and you shouldn't tolerate backtalk or disrespect.

 

That sink story was nasty. I understand your husband point. On the other hand, I agree his language could use some soap. when you spoke to your daughter about the situation, you should have been as adamant as him about the proper spitting place.

 

What i am trying to say is you are taking sides and you need to learn to straddle the fence and tell them both when they are wrong and when they are right. If you don't show your husband any support then yes, he is going to feel left out and blow up.

 

In our house, i may not have like my stepfather but i did repspect him.

[Romeo Must Die]

You listen to your instincts and follow your heart. A mothers interests are always with the children. Its only natural. After I read the spitting in the sink incident and I was really upset for you and your daughter. There is a difference between demanding respect and earning respect. He doesnt have to be abusive to get the respect he wants. He will not get respect that way, putting her down and going mental on her. He will widen that communication gap between them like the Grand Canyon.

 

You want respect from a kid?

 

Show them respect!

 

Thats how they learn it!

 

"I would appreciate it if you didnt spit in the sink. You are a beautiful, intelligent girl and as your father, I expect more from you. I hope you understand."

 

[Mr. Lucky]

Boy, tough situation. Having two teenagers in the house almost guarantees chaos - I know, I had three. Your husband needs to understand that the teenage years are "on the job training" for adulthood - mistakes and screw-ups are guaranteed. You have to learn where to pick your spots or it just becomes a battlefield - as you are finding out. Add in the blended family aspect you guys have and...again, tough situation.

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvstarved]

Just wanted to add a couple of things.

 

First, I actually DID agree with him in principle on BOTH issues but it took FOREVER to convince him of that. I talked with my daughter later and told her that she WAS WRONG to invite a friend over, she knew better. She said she felt better and thought it was ok, but I didn't buy it, and told her that the rule is no school, no friends, no going out. However, I also found out that when all this started she TRIED to call me to ask about it and he PHYSICALLY prevented her from being able to make a call. NOT touching her, but holding the phone and refusing to give her access. HAD SHE CALLED, I would have backed him up 100% and told her that the friend could NOT come over.

 

The other one I also agreed with but it didn't bug me as much as my husband and some of you. Am I the only one who's ever gargled at the kitchen sink? She DID rinse and it WAS empty so it didn't bother me that much, but the rule has been established now. I think it is much worse that I discovered that he was leaving disposable razors in the common shower and using them when he showered considering he has Hep C. I saw two identical ones dangling and asked if he was using them and he said Yes. THAT to me is MUCH worse, because I doubt that my teens have been agonizing over whether the razor is safe. They don't even kow he HAS Hep C so I feel that him having to be told THAT is worse than her having to be told not to spit in the sink.

 

He also does not exclude our bio daughter. He gets angry when she dawdles or is too noisy or feisty and has her in tears I'd say an average of 3 times a week or more.

 

For me, he just always turns everything back to me. If I say something about his anger problem, "YOU'RE the one with the anger problem", or bring up something vicious that he said, he either definitely did not say it or does not recall saying it. Or he said it because I was being mean to HIM. He is always thinking that I have bad motives or that I started the fight or whatever. Always telling me what I said was X when what I really said/meant was Y and then accuses me of either lying about it or being too messed up and twisted to realize what I am saying. He even always says gee I wish I had a tape recorder and I am thinking well that is one thing we agree on. Our previous counselor DID tape record one of his nutties and played it back and he STILL DID NOT GET IT! Suddenly the counselor was full of crap. Didn't understand what he went through and what he had to put up with. I kept going to the counselor for a while and he pretty much thought it was hopeless then and that was 5 years ago.

 

In short, he think I am verbally abusive toward HIM!!!

 

We actually have a counseling appointment this Tues night and I am seriously thinking of starting off the night by saying "I think he is being verbally abusive and he thinks I am being verbally abusive. How can we resolve THAT one?" But I am afraid that the counselor will just say "you probably both are" and gloss over it (we haven'tbeen going that long so I am not saying that based on anything other than her potentially knee-jerkily thinking that the thoughts cancel each other out).

 

I DO firmly believe that his anger is the MAJOR problem here. That is not to say there aren't others. But he won't even BEGIN to consider the possibility and he keeps himself pretty well in control of his "public persona" (but not entirely) and I am sure after the last counselor he is going to REALLY put on his "unappreciated white knight" hat.

 

Well I am blathering at this point, but does anyone have any opinion on how I can broach this most effectively in counseling???

[Ladyjane14]

I don't give a crap how angry the guy was... he had absolutely no right to call your daughter a "bitch". :mad:

 

If he can't get some self-control and be THE ADULT when in conflict with a CHILD... he's of very little use to you. How the hell are you supposed to be "supportive" of irrational behavior?

[Moose]

:lmao:

 

Sorry, I'm not laughing at you, I'm kinda laughing at myself!!

 

Your husband sounds just like me at times!! Allow me to explain:

His view: my two teenagers (his stepkids) are "out of control" and I am afraid to stand up to them. I take their side and am not on his team.

Whether you like it or not....he's 100% right!

Their behavior is what has this household in an uproar and it will never change.

Again, he's right. As long as you're not on his side, it will never change.

He has spoken to other people who agree with him.

This is wrong of him. The problems in your marriage should only be discussed between the two of you and perhaps a mutually agreed upon third party.

His outbursts of anger are completely justified because he is not getting the respect he deserves.

Outbursts - Not Justified. Anger - Justified. Fear - Justified. I say fear because of the lack of respect. Yes, as someone mentioned, it has to be earned. But as long as your on the opposing team, that'll never happen, and that's what he's afraid of.

 

You've heard the saying, "Don't back an injured animal into a corner, it'll only come out fighting till the death"....hence his anger.....yes, he's injured.....

My view: my two teenagers are not out of control.

You say this in one breath, then:

They are unfocused academically and don't do that great in school

This is the worst time in their lives to do poorly in School, and the best time for them to learn some self discipline.

 

Your husband job is to give them that direction, but you don't see this as a bad thing......what's he supposed to do??

 

This episode about spitting in the sink.....had it been in my house it would've gotten as far as this:

He: Did you just spit in the sink?

She: Yeah...

He: DO NOT SPIT IN THE SINK!

She: OK whatever...

There would've been an eerie sudden silence, kids running in different directions to hide, and MOM AND DAD puttin' down some whoopins' on someone's back side!!

 

Meanwhile, you're down the hall minding your own business. What I don't get is that you can hear them screaming at the top of their lungs, HOW is that's not your business????

He just wants me to side with him 100% all the time even when I think HE has lost control or is being extremely unfair.

And you should. Yes, I said you should!!

 

Side with him right there in front of your daughters every single time. And I mean that.

 

But when you think he's being unfair, you also need to confront him with it IN FRONT of your daughters.

 

Help your daughters to understand why your husband is upset at the time, (even though you may not agree that he should be upset at all), and discuss with all them what should be fair as far as making it right and how to avoid this again....it does take teamwork!

[Touche]

Excellent points made, Moose. There's a lot of good advice and insight there luv. You two really need to be on the same page together as a team. At the least in front of the kids. This can be turned around. Approach this with your husband in the spirit of wanting to work together. Don't put him on the defensive.

[Guest]

Your husband sounds just like me at times!!

 

Which of course means you'll agree with this man. However he's wrong in that he behaves like a spoiled brat in front of the children. And if you behave that way, you need to grow up, too. It's damaging to children to be involved in interactions like that.

[Moose]

Which of course means you'll agree with this man. However he's wrong in that he behaves like a spoiled brat in front of the children. And if you behave that way, you need to grow up, too. It's damaging to children to be involved in interactions like that.

No, I don't act that way.......not anymore that is.....

 

I agree that he's acting childish, and isn't handling this the right way. I agree that it's more damaging to the kids handling it this way as well.

 

BUT, without the support of his wife, he's backed up against the wall, and doesn't have a snowball's chance of turning anything around.

 

Once she starts to help him out, the whole house will notice a difference in how things are handled.

[Guest]

What on earth do you think you are doing to your children's self esteem by allowing them to be treated in this manner? Obviously this has gone on for years since you say he exhibits the same behavior with the biological daughter and I assume you aren't allowing him to freak on a toddler. This is not a case of establishing house rules with love and respect. This is a control freak and you are enabling him by not protecting your children from this irrational and abusive behavior.

 

Shame on you.

[Ladyjane14]

I still don't like it that he called this teenage girl a "bitch", Moose. That's completely out of bounds.

 

I was fortunate in the fact that my own step-father was a good man. Not only would he NEVER have called me filthy names... he'd have flattened any man who did.

 

Ideally, it would be nice if this fella could pull his head out of his hindquarters and act like a grown-up. But if he can't... the safety of the kids has to be the priority. I think it's fair to include emotional abuse when assessing a child's "safety".

[luvstarved]

Moose I think you misunderstood the line "I take their side and am not on his team". That is HIS VIEW I was describing, not reality. I try to support him and I always do my best to be rational and clear on how I see a situation. In the case of the spitting, I did tell my daughter not to do it and later I told her that I could see his point and it was a reasonable request on his part. I told BOTH of them that they were being ridiculous by losing their tempers but I also told him privately that he should have come to me and NOT just gone off like that. I support him when I agree with him and when he is being at least rational and reasonable when I don't. I disagree with him when the rules are extreme or cast aside or made up on the fly when it suits him. Isn't consistency important too?

 

We have tried to negotiate rules and have implemented some based on mutual agreement. But he changes the rules and the punishments according to his mood and convenience. For example I thought a 15 and 16 year old ought to be able to stay up til 10 where he wanted them in their rooms for the night at 8. We compromised on 9, but when he is tired he all of a sudden just wants them to disappear into their rooms at 8:30 and then in the course of saying so will go off about how the rule SHOULD be 8 anyway. Doesn't he have to support me too, esp when we supposedly have already negotiated this? We also established that he needs the bathroom available to him at 6:30 but a couple of mornings I have heard him banging on the door at 6:15 telling my daughter that he needs to get in there and she needs to hurry up, etc. (we have a half bath so it isn't like he needs to pee or anything, he wants the shower...)

 

Also it seems to me that if MONTHS have gone by without an infraction you might be able to cut a little slack. Like if she does not leave a soda can in the living room for six months and then does...is it really necessary to take the computer away for a week? BTW the punishment for the spitting in the sink was TWO WEEKS WITH NO COMPUTER! Anyone else think that's a tad excessive?

 

The other thing is that he gives them NO positive feedback. They mutually ignore each other until some blowup happens. So it isn't like he is conveying that he is operating out of love. He has repeatedly told them and me that THEY are the cause of all the problems and conflict. And he has been saying this not since they were teens but since they were 8 and 9 years old. Another part of the story from the other day is that he told her that he wished she would get out and go live somewhere else and that he couldn't stand her, etc. Very mature. He says the same to me when I make him mad, which I usually do entirely without intending to.

 

That was the original meaning of the title of this thread...he so often seems to think I have some other meaning than what I actually have. If I say I am tired, he will more than likely say, well so what, so am I, you are not the only one who does anything...as though I was implying that I was tired because I worked hard and HE DIDN'T when all I meant was: I'm tired. Always taking things the wrong way...and when I assure him he is wrong? He tells me that I am WRONG ABOUT MY OWN UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT I SAID! WTF?

 

I also wanted to say in response to remarks that my kids are out of control because they are not good students. They are AVERAGE students not honor roll students. Not all kids are honor roll students. Doesn't mean they are out of control or deserve verbal abuse. Sheesh.

 

Plus he'll tell every stranger to the situation all about it to support his vie of things. They all think he's right. Ya think? he even told me that the guys in the gym though my objection to him viewing porn was typical wife type response and he should feel free to watch. He left out the little detail that we were struggling with trying to repair 7 years of sexless marriage but I am the jealous crazed prude who won't let him have a little harmless fun.

 

Well I don't know. Despite all this as crazy as it sounds I do love him because I believe his intentions are good and he is otherwise very stable and fun to be with. I just wish that he could learn more about learning to respect other people IN HIS HOME and to control his temper. But it seems to be VITALLY IMPORTANT to him that HE not be wrong.

 

The other weird thing is that he SWEARS that he loves me and is HAPPY! How can that even be when he is angry so often??? I think he is either lying or deluding himself...I don't see how he could as his actions don't match up with his words.

 

My honest feeling is that he would be much happier if he could punt me, and my teenagers and have his parents move back in here and he could be waited on, and have his BELOVED daughter with him, and meanwhile pursue kidfree women on his own terms. So why does he say he wants to stay? I would give this scenario to him if that is what he wanted, although not so sure about the daughter part. I would want her with me but that would be a battle and his dear mother has already told me that she would gladly lie in court to support him if we ever got divorced, even when she knew he was in the wrong. How's that for support??? Guess that's the kind he wants from me...

 

I don't want a divorce. I want a man who loves me and respects me and at least attempts to respect my kids. If he did not throw these nutties it would be a lot easier but I HAVE told my kids that he is the only father they have and that they need to try harder to get along too and that they do have to listen to him as long as they are living in this house. But I do not know how I can support whimsical approach to rules, him wanting all the control and none of the responsbility and most most most of all his frequent and very nasty verbal abuse.

 

Moose also mentioned why was I minding my own business? Because I was in another part of the house when the conflict started and from experience I know that if I jump in when tempers are out of control then all that will happen is that the F word and the C word will start coming out of his mouth directed at me and that in the past has not helped things at all. So now I try to stay out until things have calmed down a bit. Usually that means when he takes a breath and seeks me out. By thta time I have also usually had a little time to formulate a strategy for what I can say to try to defuse the situation. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

 

In other words, I am doing the best that I can here, folks.

[Moose]

Ladyjane, I never said the husband's comments were warranted. It was WAY wrong to call his step daughter a B....... There's no sense in that whatsoever. Women, no matter what age, are to be respected, protected, and appreciated.....

 

luvstarved, you seem to have a pretty good understanding of how things ought to be at home, but until you let go of these things here:

My honest feeling is that he would be much happier if he could punt me, and my teenagers and have his parents move back in here and he could be waited on, and have his BELOVED daughter with him

Don't seperate the kids like this. They are all yours, AND HIS kids.

 

Your battles are divided, I can tell. And what's dividing it is the kids.

 

You all should be ONE WHOLE FAMILY, and run it as such......

 

Break it all down, and you'll see it too......

[Guest]

I don't want a divorce. I want a man who loves me and respects me and at least attempts to respect my kids.

 

Wishing won't make it so. What you want (and it seems an awful lot of women do this) is for a man to turn into something he isn't because you think that he'd be just perfect 'if'. You should never ever EVER marry someone who has an 'if'.

 

Women stay in horrible relationships forever wishing that men would change. And the men never do. Wishing for the impossible is an exercise in futility. Worse, if you do it while the other person in your house is constantly angry and abusive, you're allowing yourself and your precious children to be damaged.

 

Time to wake up and smell the coffee. You made an error in judgement in choosing to marry this guy. Time to admit the mistake, move on, and never, ever, EVER again take into your life someone who'd be perfect if only he changed into someone he isn't. Find a man who's good as he is. This isn't one.

[a4a]

Whoa......... this man is calling you names in front of the kids?

 

Are you participating in this name calling? If so stop immediatley.

 

No screaming, no yelling..... it serves no purpose unless you are at a very loud concert trying to have a normal conversation.

 

He is not angry about the spit in the sink, he is not angry about the kids being around ........

 

IMHO he is a bit like a 12 year old and wants attention any where he can get it.

 

.........establish rules in your home NOW.

No yelling, no screaming, no name calling.......

 

If you back him up at this point when your kids are adults you will end up apologizing to them for allowing this abuse to happen. Standing by and just watching him do this is not parenting. Backing him up while he is in a rage is not parenting - that is participation in abuse and teaching your kids very very poor skills at resolving conflicts.

 

Do something wrong = yelling, screaming, abuse name calling, and threats. This is not going to resolve any conflict.

 

It should be: rules are established, broken rules will have set consquences follow them, good behavior should earn rewards.

 

As for the 8 pm rule....... that is not right. He is simply wanting to not be bothered with them. He is a parent, he should be saying at 8 pm I want everyone in the living room to play a board game, watch a movie, or to do something together......... at least a couple days a week.

 

And you should not allow your house to be out of control like it is now. But I tell you what, the first one you need to get control of is the adult male in your home. If he is going to act like a 12 year old, then you have to treat him like a 12 year old. That is not a jab at him, but the fact is he is not acting as an adult parent should so you have to figure out how to communicate with him on his level.

 

I am packing my bags right now I will arrive in 45 minutes.

[Ladyjane14]

Women, no matter what age, are to be respected, protected, and appreciated.....

 

But that's the crux of it, isn't it Moose? You espouse a more Christian/traditional approach to family life where the man is the indisputed head of household. I've got no argument with that. It works in your family and in alot of other families too.

 

But it doesn't seem to be working here. This guy wants the designation WITHOUT earning it. He's not putting the work in.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not disagreeing with the advice you've given to Lovestruck. Even with this guy's deficits... she'd still be taking an active role and showing her husband that she's a reasonable person who's capable of fulfilling his needs.

 

But I recognize something in her story that reminds me of my own. This isn't a whole lot different than my husband's demeanor back when he was dealing with depression and illness.

 

Part of getting through that was giving him good emotional support, similar to what you've advised. But part of it also was letting him know that if he didn't step up to the plate and address it... I wouldn't be willing to stay in the marriage.

 

At the time, I'd already made a firm decision to divorce, and he knew it. So, this came about not as an ultimatum, but rather as part of a negotiation on terms for giving it another try. I don't think you can force another person to get help for themselves. They have to want it.

 

With that in mind, I'm not certain what weight an ultimatum would carry. I think that most likely in his current state of mind, Lovestruck's husband would view it as an empty threat. Lord knows, I'd made enough of them before I finally got serious.

 

Her best bet for the moment would probably be to get him a depression screening. He could see his medical doctor for that. Unfortunately, if he's diagnosed and requires medication, most have some sexual side-effects. Wellbutrin as I understand it has the least, but is not appropriate for every patient.

 

If the depression is really mild though, (and even a mild depression can result in an angry, unreasonable man), it's possible that even simple things like an increase in exercize could make a big difference.

[Ladyjane14]

if she does not leave a soda can in the living room for six months and then does...is it really necessary to take the computer away for a week? BTW the punishment for the spitting in the sink was TWO WEEKS WITH NO COMPUTER! Anyone else think that's a tad excessive?

 

Yeah, I do. I think that in cases where the punishment is lengthly, both parents should come to an agreement on it before it's dished out. Although in cases where it's just something like a brief time-out, I don't think a concensus should have to be reached.

 

You know, I agree with Moose in alot of respects... but I also agree with a4a. In fact, I'll be glad to hold her coat for her!

 

Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive with his family. And ultimately... all three of your kids are going to end up blaming YOU for tolerating it if it's not addressed.

[luvstarved]

Right now I am so angry and resentful that I don't even want to be in the same species as him.

 

I had a period where I would participate because I would be so outraged at his behavior that I would end up in my own rage. I didn't for a long time, then I did, now I am not again. I generally just stay calm and if I must speak to him, I tell him calmly that I am not going to go there.

 

I do have my own ways though. Now he is trying to act like absolutely nothing is wrong and I am totally boiling INSIDE. So I am doing the cold and distant routine. Not great but better than screaming, which is what I feel like doing.

 

The thing that angers me the most is his assertion (and he has used these words) that HE is a model citizen, NONE of this is his fault and it is THEIR behavior that needs to change. This Saturday I thought I might have achieved a breakthrough because he started to say...hmmm...maybe I am making too much of some things, hmmm...maybe I do need to work on my anger but a few minutes later (as I tried to talk about the negative effects of these outbursts) he was back to accusing me of blaming him for everything,etc.

 

Apparently he started drinking at 13 and had a long period of "partying" until he turned 24 and decided to get sober. He lived with Mom and Dad until we got married. I HAVE thought at times that his emotional development ENDED at 13 and he has been sort of stuck there ever since (which Mom and Dad, having nothing better to do, were more than happy to support).

 

The truth is that he is an interesting, spiritual fun guy but he is also this:

 

A guy who only wants to do what he wants to do.

Avoids, even thinks he should not HAVE to do, anything he does not want to do.

Expects other people to do whatever he tells them to do, cheerfully and immediately.

 

He ONLY gets mad when one of these three principles are violated!!!

 

This is basically how his life went before me and my two came along. He could have easily just kept this with his parents and now he has his own daughter so I guess I really don't see my purpose (outside of the whole figuring everything out and taking care of everything angle). He could easily move back in with them and have his carefree life back.

 

Today I wish he would. We'll see how I feel later. I was very crappy to him this morning, not yelling but cold...polite but not...nice. WHen he gave me the stupid peck on the lips and the "I love you" I was like "okie doke then" and walked away. When he called I basically handed the phone to our daughter. "Have a nice day".

 

a4a, you absolutely POUNDED the nail on the head when you say that his rules are all designed to make life convenient for HIM. If they are up past the appointed hour and he is trying to get ready for bed, he will argue that they are disturbing the 8 year old, etc. Last night, though, him watching football at high volume til nearly midnight was not a problem...and even the 8 year old isn't THAT naive. She even says that he treats her sisters badly while meanwhile SHE has him wrapped around her little finger (if she talks back and I try to call HER on it, he intervenes with "she didn't mean it" or "she's just tired", etc). When he gets tired though, even the 8 year old is not immune from his wrath...

 

Cripes. It's been a half hour a4a...guess I can hang on another 15 minutes! LOL

[luvstarved]

luvstarved, you seem to have a pretty good understanding of how things ought to be at home, but until you let go of these things here:Don't seperate the kids like this. They are all yours, AND HIS kids.

 

I was being a tad sarcastic there Moose. This is how he refers to them when he is angry. This is what I YEARN for but when the least thing upsets him, then they are MY kids and MY problem. THEY are the cause and as THEIR mother I am ultimately to blame. He tries to assert that I somehow need his PERMISSION to take the 8 year old anywhere without his consent. In anger, this is how he refers to them. The 8 year old is HIS daughter and the "Other Two" are mine.

 

Gawd. Another productive workday ahead of me, I can tell.

[a4a]

LMAO!!! a teen leaves a soda can in the living room 6 months ago.

 

for cripes sake have we never forgotten something?

 

Now it is important to correct and redirect when a unwanted behavior does happen. But 2 weeks without a computer or anything or throwing things (clothing) is not a correction or a redirection.

 

Sink Spitting: Simply say it is not a healthy thing to do that, I believe you could have made it to paper towel. Since the entire family must use that sink and what you did effects all of us I think you need to go ahead and clean the sink now. Now go ahead and clean the sink before you do one other thing.

 

Simple no conflict........ and most likely she will not spit in the sink and may even make her think before she does something else in her life and how her choice will effect others.

 

If the kids are not doing well in school they do not only need consquences but rewards to make them want to do better. Kids don't think : good grades means a great future, kids think more like good grades mean I can get that new CD or shoes I want.

 

I get the feeling these kids are confused and really think no matter what they cannot do anything right, no matter what it will never be good enough.

 

Rules Boundaries and Reward for wanted behavior are missing here with your H. As a matter a fact it sounds like these are missing from his life as well.

[JamesM]

luvstarved, I give you all the sympathy...and anger...I can. I think based on what you said, you are mostly right. Where you aren't...I haven't figured that out yet.

 

Moose, they ARE her kids. This guy is the stepfather. Yes, she should put him as the head of the house and now the father (through marriage) of the children, but when he abuses that right, he loses that right. It is not a biological right. Their longterm welfare is important to her, but not to him.

 

a4a and Ladyjane...agree.

 

Many of the things mentioned as infractions are not big enough to warrant the punishments given. But I doubt he will listen to me.

 

As head of the house, he should be concerned about everyone in the house, and certainly not just him. Taking in consideration that this is one side of the story, I cannot see how his side of the story will change this. Curfews and punishments given are out of line with reality. To pretend that this man has the right to ruin the lives of children that are NOT his would be considered ridiculous.

 

Using language as described would be enough for me to consider this guy a jerk. Calling anyone names even in anger is not good. It is bad enough to call the wife a biotch and C, but to even consider calling a developing you woman these names is close and probably is...abuse. This will do damage to the children. The girl will think it is okay to be called such names...cause mom put up with it...and the boy will think he can call women such names...because mom allowed it.

 

luvstarved, hopefully this will change for the better. But if it doesn't, it needs to be considered a serious problem...for your children's sake. You are all building up anger by being in a situation that doesn't have to be so. Supporting him as the head of the household is good, but supporting him as the only important member of the household is insane.

 

Did you mention an affair along with the porn? And you are mending the sexual drought? I guess I did not realize an affair and porn contributed to your problem. Also, if he doesn't respect you and the vows you made to each other, then why should you respect him and entrust you with the welfare of YOUR...and I do mean yours, not his...children?