amsantos6 Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Just curious the circumstances under which people have got back together with their ex's, for example started dating on a fresh slate after several months or she came back to me after dumping me x months earlier, etc. you get the idea. survey people...
vanButterfly Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Been in a relationship for 14 months. Broke up for 1.5 months (mutual breakup, but after a week I felt I made a mistake, and then he didnt want to try again). Basically during the 1.5 months we kept in touch - but it was torture. We went from every day contact (phone calls at least 2 hours when we didnt see each other that day), and from being with each other 4 nights a week to hardly anything. No smses. Kept in contact in email because he wanted to. I started doing my own thing and trying to have fun. I was happy whenever we had contact(tried to be), and he couldnt understand how I could be so happy without him. In fact I was miserable, but I tried hard to be a happy person..and I will tell you that it made me a happier person before we got back together (because I made new friends and new hobbies), and when we got back together. Stories dont really matter because it's really about how the two people felt for each other, WHY they separated, and what damage has been done. No contact will only help you get over each other. At the end of the day, if you love him/her, and they love you and do not want to live without you..EVEN after a break..then you have something good. Dont use no contact to try and break this. He gave me mixed signals during the breakup. When he needed affection he would tell me how I felt. It was hard to deal with this,but I hung in there for weeks. When I couldnt handle anymore and couldnt see us every getting back together I wanted to break all contact. I really thought it was over for us so I tried my best to move on. I decided to cut contact because I was starting to spend time with another man - nothing serious, and I truelly wanted to try to forget my ex. He wanted to keep in touch and was upset that I wanted to cut him off. He wondered why he wasnt forgetting me after 1.5 months. So it was a combination of: - him knowing I was having fun dancing, making new friends, and being happy in general - him knowing that I was spending time with another man (I only mentioned this when HE asked and bothered me about why I didnt want to email or talk anymore). I told the truth when answering - never revealing what I was doing but just being happy). - him being jealous about it. - him not being able to forget about me (lucky for me..) - him missing me Anyway, we ended up meeting and talking about what we wanted. We decided to take it slow. It's been 3 weeks and though we have argued about minor things, we know what we love each other and we resolve issues quickly. Things are excellent. We have both changed in the 1.5 months in ways I didnt think was possible.
miss snoopy Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 That's such a heartening story Van Butterfly. I did get back together with my ex after 6 weeks of limited contact (we were "friends" and kept in touch via email, sms, phone, hanging out - mostly initiated by me) We got back together and it was all hunky dory at first, but as someone here pointed out to me, we rushed into things and it all ended in tears 9 days later. How I wish I knew about LoveShack then! So my advice is: Take it slowly - very important. You need to build anticipation. Try and act like you're meeting each other for the fist time. Not in a cheesy "what's your name and do you come here often" way, but just go back to when you first met and how you acted. For e.g. peeing with the door open a day after you get back together is an absolute no-no even if you did it all the time in the latter phase of your relationship! Discuss the relationship - but only at the outset. So don't keep bringing it up, but it's important you don't sweep stuff under the carpet. I was in a relationship once which ended, and when we started back I didn't realise he wanted a friends with benefits scenario as he was in an LDR. I just assumed he wanted me back. Set boundaries. this avoids the awkward situation of someone wanting sex for e.g. and the other "rejecting" the advances - if you're going slow, it should be clear what this entails. And if, say, things ended because you were pushing for marriage, I think you need to be clear in your mind when to bring this up etc. Use your NC period usefully - say no to daily Ben and Jerrys and hang out with your friends, do stuff. Principally for your well being, but also for when you start to catch up on your life without each other. My recent ex was impressed I had planned a holiday with a friend when we split up inseatd of wallowing in misery. I'm no expert as I'm cr*p at relationships but these are the things I wish I had done during my recent "second chance"
SoundedPlum Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Um... I ALMOST had my ex back, had I not done the "NC" thing. In that whole time I wasn't calling him or talking to him (btw, he broke up with me due to arguments and straight up DRAMA!)... he started talking to a girl.. at first it was just as friends, but then as he saw I had no motivation to patch things up with him, he started liking her, vice versa and they're about to go out now. However, he calls me from time to time because he doesn't want to lose me.... My advice? Keep on truckin and do NC only if you intend on NOT getting back together. But that's just from my point of view...
vanButterfly Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 My advice? Keep on truckin and do NC only if you intend on NOT getting back together. Exactly!!
Guest Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 Van and Plum, Not so sure I understand your thought processes here......you are telling us that when someone breaks up with you and tells you that they would rather move on to a stranger in life rather than stay and help build things with you, that you should be the one to stay in contact with them with hopes that they will change their mind? That does not seem rational.....have those folks not seen the best of you already? Have you not put your best foot forward and told them that you are ready to work on things? Why should you be an easy option for them and let them know that if they snap their fingers, you will be at their feet panting? My feeling is that people have no alternative but to do NC to start the healing process. It is entirely up to that other person to figure out what they want in life, and that healing process can only happen if you are out of their life completely. Tell me I am wrong please........
SoundedPlum Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 The reason he broke up with me was not to see somebody else, it was due to a lot of heated arguments and lack of trust. He said he wanted to get back together if we could work things out, but I was too hurt to even talk to him so I cut off complete contact. When I did that, that is when he started talking to the other girl... so what I was saying is don't do NC unless there is no hope of getting back together. Basically, I took my sweet time and by doing NC, I decreased my chances of being with him. I was too late. Does that make sense?
Guest Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 Plum, That thought process does not make sense. Your preference for NC did not drive him to start talking to this other woman.....it was his desire to do so. He chose to deal with the time apart from you by looking for another woman rather than working on himself to better the chances of both of you getting back together.
Rooster_DAR Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 What I'm going through right now. We were together almost five years and living together with intentions of marriage. She got involved with a co-worker and I moved out. I did N/C for 3 months now she's sniffing around again. She wants to get back together and eventually get married, but I'm not sure I'm going to fall right back into her arms.
Tormented Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Just curious the circumstances under which people have got back together with their ex's, for example started dating on a fresh slate after several months or she came back to me after dumping me x months earlier, etc. you get the idea. survey people... In my case, the ex and I have broken up 3 times now...this 3rd time be the final one. The two times before, he contacted me when I went N/C. We'd go back together, things were great for a short while, and then BAM. Back to the same old problems that broke us up in the first place. It's a mistake to go back without first addressing, and CHANGING, the problems that initially caused the breakup. They don't magically disappear, and time spent away from each other may soften our hearts, cause us to miss them, but it does NOT fix the problems. Me? I wish I would have stuck to my guns and had not gone back. Had I done that, I wouldn't be hurting so much today. ~T~
Wantingtogetitright Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 except the one common thing to bear in mind is the reason for the split in the first place. Will this reason ocurr again, it is always easier to remember the good times and imagine that is the way it will be. If the split was to cheating, has trust been destroyed if so what's the point. Scared to commit then realised what was missing, good chance of it working out. Incompatible in dreams and plans for the future, what has changed. All different reasons, before even considering going back to something that failed, really assess the reasons why it failed the first time around. Oh and those that may be in contact with an ex, always make sure your intentions are crystal clear with no mixed messages. ie if you are staying in contact out of friendship and concern make it absolutely crystal that there is no chance of a reconcilliation. Never ever hold out false hope cos it is easier than saying a definitive no, will hurt everyone much less in the long run.
AriaIncognito Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I had a break up the middle of June (21st to be exact) and we had limited contact until maybe the week of july 4. After that, I didn't contact him, and he didn't contact me. We went on with our lives and NC, then 2 months to the day we broke up, I felt like calling, and I did. I called, we talked for 4 hours I think. It was like things were as they were before. It felt nice. He came out to a place I was going that friday night, and he eventually kissed me. We got back together for a little while, and while I'd love to give you the fairy tale ending, i ended up breaking it off almost 1 month ago now due to his still dealing with the same issues he had when we were together the first time. (He was conflicted over having a real relationship with me due to his being Jewish and my being non-Jewish). So, second chances are indeed possible, but like other posters have mentioned, I'd highly suggest not getting back unless the problems that caused the breakup, have been addressed. I for one really wish this one would have worked out, however, it was out of my control. if he were to ever grace my doorstep wanting another chance, he better be certain he's OK with the J/non-j thing. We are still in limited contact at this point. Why, I'm not sure, but I figure as long as I can deal with it and try to transition him to the friend side, I'm ok. I've got my eyes open and am not letting any amount of contact make me believe anything aside from trying to be happy in my life, whatever that amounts to.
Guest Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Ariawoman, May I ask, in your opinion, if your limited contact with you ex is limiting your ability to move forward and heal all the hurt in your heart? Have you been able to meet and possibly date others since your breakup? I realize that you seem to be capable of limiting your expectations of your ex to no more than a friend yet my concern is that as much as we, somewhere deep inside us, keep that burning hope of reconciliation alive. Why else would you remain friendly with him?
AriaIncognito Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Ariawoman, May I ask, in your opinion, if your limited contact with you ex is limiting your ability to move forward and heal all the hurt in your heart? Have you been able to meet and possibly date others since your breakup? I realize that you seem to be capable of limiting your expectations of your ex to no more than a friend yet my concern is that as much as we, somewhere deep inside us, keep that burning hope of reconciliation alive. Why else would you remain friendly with him? I dont know if it is or not. It's been 3 weeks, so the fact that I've not met anyone yet is kinda irrelevent. I've gone years without meeting people, and that's being over people. I dont tend to "date". It's not that I'm against it, but it seems like I have some sort of filter that even I'm not aware of. Seems the men i do end up "dating" i end up with for long term. As far as being friendly with him, well, I'd be lying if i said I felt nothing. I have a little bit of hope, but he'd have to do a lot to prove that he was with me, should he try returning. I really would like to at least maintain a friendship out of this, because to be honest, I have a hard time finding people in this world that i truly connect with, and he's one of them. Romantic or not, we had a great connection as 2 individuals. I just might need to rethink how quickly I can handle the transition to just friendship. Just on another side of the coin, the limited contact in some ways is a good thing. He's still doing some of the same things that really annoyed me about him, so that's a positive reinforcement of why things are as they are right now lol
PAL06 Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I have just broken up with my ex for the second time. We got back together after almost a year, having had contact on and off during that period. We started seeing each other, more as friends, going walking, cycling etc. eventually it became evident that I still wanted more from her, so we decided it was for the best to not see each other again. We text each other a lot that night as it was obvious we were both hurting badly. The next morning she text to say she needed to see me. She came around that evening and said that she'd been in the shower and the thought of not seeing me had sent her into shock. We decided to give it another go..... but like a lot of the threads above hinted at we really just carried on from where we were before...she dumped me again after just one month... although we never argued or there was nothing like jealousy or lack of trust.... it appears the reason for the second break up were the same... there was just something missing for her.... she just thought that we were at different places in our lives... I'm 37 and ready to settle down with the right girl.... she is 30 and very very independent with a very busy social life.... Stupidly we have chatted twice on MSN this week and have been very comfortable doing so.... but the imbalance as to our views of what a relationship should feel like.... we both admit the intimacy and sexual relationship were great and had similar interests and loved doing them together... but she didn't have the spark... have led to this happening again..... The moral of the story again must be has anything changed from the first time round....... My opinion is though that any sign of things getting serious she starts having doubts and runs (at 30 she has not had a relationship of more than 3 months)... oops gone off topic a bit now... As much as I'd love to have her back a third time!! It won't happen....
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