princesssockhead Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 So the break really happend because of a compilation of things however I am very confused by this "taking a break" stuff. I've done the same in past relationships (I've had 2 other significant ones) but this one is completely different because of the circumstances. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now and we've been through a lot together. We've experienced all the cycles a relationship experiences but things have never been so extreme as to take a break. We have lived together for probably 3 years of the our relationship. He is 27 and I am 22 years old. Overall, I'd say we have been a happy, healthy, stable couple. We have talked about marriage to the point that we are both almost completely sure of it though we'd both still like some time to pass before that happens and we talk of having "our" kids together. So things are definitely serious - the most serious they ever have been for either of us. We didn't start having a lot of the problems we are having until about 9 months ago. My insecurity, trust & jealousy issues have really been putting him through the wringer and he's been distant, busy/stressed ever since he started working (after I supported us for more than 2 years). In the last few months, especially after moving and the death of my Grandpa we have started fighting almost every other day. Usually by my perceptions of his feelings towards me and our relationship. I am just such a touchy-talkative lover and he works his problems out silently and independantly. We've made this work in the past so I know it can be done. I've just gone kind of haywire lately because I feel like he's so distant, not affectionate and it gets me in a tizzy. It makes me take agenda with myself and I start to wonder what I could be doing wrong or if he doesn't want me anymore and wants someone else or for that matter no one else. Anyhow, we had a bad fight on Thursday morning that started off about financial concerns and winded up being an emotional mess for 4 hours that day. I had accused him of cheating the night before because I guess I "had" to find a reason for why he was distant, physically and mentally from me. I thought perhaps well he's getting his needs met somewhere else? The stupid thing is though that I NEED to trust him as he hasn't done anything for me to think he has or would cheat on me. He told me that he didn't want to live like this anymore with the fighting and me using him an emotional crutch - his words. So we needed to do something extreme and that is why we are "taking a break". We are not broken up and won't be seeing other people. But this confuses me because we might as well be. He won't call me, text me, or msg me on aim. I have contacted him only a couple of times and I had to go by the apt. to grab some more clothes last night but we haven't discussed "taking a break" since Thursday and I haven't been needy as far as I can tell. My confusion is that even though we're taking a break shouldn't we still be able to communicate a little? I mean we are a serious couple, we have faucets of our lives that we share. Also, as we are both very sexual people especially with each other, is it bad to still be sexual during this break? Lastly, in reality, what are our chances of getting back togther? Have other couples come out of something like this stronger and more focused? Or is this really just a drawn out way of him breaking up with me and/or trying to play the field/find other interests before returning to me? I know that some people will automatically jump to those conclusions but I want COLD HARD FACTS on this. Not assumptions. I need people who have gone through something like this or specifically know about a situation like this. What am I doing with me? Well I am using this time to re-center myself. To work on my shortcomings in this relationship, to stabalize my self-confidence and self-worth, and to catch up on things that I want to be doing. I went to the used bookstore today and bought a couple of books on insecurity in relationships, self-confidence, and communication. I plan on going to get advised for the spring semester (i will be returning after 3 years). Overall, I know that I will be successful during this period even if I wind up losing him. Ultimately though I'd love to stay with my man and show him what maturity and strength I have in my own shoes. Thank you for reading all of that and some more. I appreciate your responses and look forward to getting some help with this.
Alphatau99 Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 First off, I won't bore you with details of my experiences, but-- suffice it to say I know exACTLY what you're going through, and I'm rooting for you. In my case, Tabitha (my ex) was using almost the exact same reasons for a long, extended, painful break-up, one that I'm still grappling with to this day. My advice to you, is to go on with your life as you would normally. This entire situation isn't going to be easy, whichever result comes to pass. Remember to take care of yourself first, and that you are NOT responsible for his actions and emotions. I can't give any other advice, or concrete facts about something like this, as each couple is completely different from the next. I hope things turn out well for you, and remember that you're not alone when it comes to things like this. As strange as it seems, I'm almost glad to see this post, as it shows there's more people out there like me. Good things come to people like us, I know it, and you'll realize that too before too long. You're going to be fine.
Ssheena Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Wow. Hard to say. I think you are doing the right thing for you though. So when this break was discussed, decided on - was there a time limit set? Or was it just - I need a break and I have to get out of here NOW? It sounds like you want to talk and he is not into talking at all right now and if that's the case, you just have to give him his space and time. If you are sure what you want - then tell him. Say I'm sorry I reacted this way and this is why I did (accusing him of things because he isn't telling you what is going on in his head/life). Ask him to help you understand what is going on with him and what he needs from you right now. Tell him what you need and want. It seems like a lot has happened for you two over the years and recently. No matter what anyone tells you, going from not working to a "real job" is a big adjustment. Interoffice politics, routine day in day out, money is a big stressor for many many couples, etc. Tell him you do not want to give up on your relationship with him. You are however, doing excellent and exactly what I do myself when in the same type of situation. Refocus on myself and what is important to me. Read books, learn something new, get myself strong. Maybe focusing on yourself is all that is needed with you two. Good luck and best wishes!
Author princesssockhead Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 Thank you both for your support and advice. It really does help to be able to shoot these feelings out into cyberspace and have them acknowledged. There is comfort in numbers for me. Anyhow, I just wanted to give a little update about this past weekend and how it worked out for me/him/us. He asked me to have dinner with him last night, we ate at our favorite weekend Thai restraunt and I didn't talk about the relationship once during dinner. We then ran some errands together - went to get our cat's kitty litter and to the used bookstore. It was like normal and he was calling me babe, and I kept giving him little love pats. Then we decided to go back to our apt. so that we could enjoy each other a little bit more intimately if you know what I mean. So we did and it was amazing (as usual) and we cuddled each other close afterwards. We did wind up discussing the break and our relationship further until 1:30am! He told me that it was lonely and hard to be away from me this weekend and I agreed. I let him know that I had been reading a book I got on "Insecure Love" about insecurity & jealousy in relationships and it's been helping me see more clearly what I have been doing to us. He also told me that he hadn't really considered the thought of breaking up with me until I had brought it up a few too many times in our fights. So I very well might have shot myself in the foot if that is the way things turn out. But we both agreed that this is helpful and healthy for us to be doing. We both needed to miss each other, get some perspective on things, and me - I need to work on my long-term issues. His rhetorical question of the night was how long does one stay in a relationship where each partners are trying but not making much progress? Is trying enough? No one seems to have the answer to that. It's in my opinion though that trying is a part of change and that through trying - comes change eventually. Anyhow, he said he needed a few days to where it felt like he was single (even though he's not) to see what it's like without me and so I'm going to leave him be for the next couple of days. I am scared and worried by the fact that I might lose the man that I love. I know when things aren't good enough to hold onto these days and our relationship is far from that. Everything was relaxed, fairly normal as far as our affection goes, even though sad and lost feeling at the same time. He took me home to my Parent's house and we said I love you and goodnight. We'll see where this goes. I waver between being confident that we are going to come out of this more sure that we want to be with each other and stronger and working on our problems and then I start to fear that he will really want out and doesn't feel like it's worth it. We are too good of a couple together to let this go down the tubes.
Ssheena Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 That's good that you two were able to talk about it. How long have you two been "trying but not making much progress"? Isn't this a pretty new phase where you are really examining the relationship etc? By talking and being open and really communicating what is bothering you or him, that is how things change and shift. Maybe it's just an awareness on your part that you need to not be jealous and push him/accuse him of things when he clams up and gets quiet. Men are from Venus and women are from Mars for couples is a pretty interesting book as well. It doesn't sound like he wants to give up on your relationship either. I don't envy you your position now (it's tough!) but am sending you strength and courage!
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