Deciding to have kids: "You'll change your mind"

[crazy_grl]

Almost every time I say I don't want kids, someone says, "You'll change your mind." I'm trying to figure out why it is that people say this. Are they just basing it on the "biological clock" concept? Is there some other reason I'm missing? So many people have made this statement that I want to evaluate its validity.

 

Has anyone else here not wanted to have kids and changed your mind? Why didn't you want them and what was the reason you changed your mind? (The reason I want to know why you didn't want them is to compare them to my own reasons.)

 

If you always wanted to have kids, why did you want them? I've asked people that question before, and I've never heard any reasons that make it seem appealing to me, but I thought I'd try again here.

 

And if you're wondering why I'm asking these questions, it's because one of my main criteria in a guy is someone who doesn't want children. If I'm going to change my mind (as people claim), then maybe that shouldn't be one of my criteria.

 

(Lastly, I'd like this not to be a "kids vs no kids" debate where the people with kids side against the people without like I've seen on some other threads. I'd like everyone to keep in mind that whether or not to have children is a personal decision and that what is right for one person is not always right for another. Neither choice is better or worse than the other.)

[norajane]

I was always ambivalent about children. It was never an automatic thing - get married, have kids (plural). Children are a huge responsibility, and an enormous change in lifestyle. Frankly, I'm too selfish in that I don't want to change my lifestyle. I like having the freedom and the money and the time to focus on my interests, like traveling.

 

I think children change relationships, too, so it's no longer about the couple and it's all about the children. Some people want that. I never have. I also know that I don't have the patience and tolerance to deal with kids on a daily basis. I would get too frustrated and exhausted every day answering all the "why is the sky blue" questions and all the other (literal) crap.

 

Finally, the responsibililty of caring for a child and spending my entire life worrying about that child is more than I can handle. I have enough trouble with my own life. When you have kids to worry about, the consequences of everything that happens to you is magnified - losing a job, health problems, deciding where to live, making good financial choices and investments (or bad ones!), making sure you have college funds, life insurance in case you die in a car accident, etc. Kids are called dependants for a reason, and I am not one who can throw caution to the wind and hope for the best.

 

I haven't changed my mind (I'm 39). I went through a period a few years ago where I realized my clock was winding down and if I was ever going to change my mind, I'd better do it then. But I realized my true longing wasn't for children; it was for a warm, loving, affectionate relationship...which I now have, sans kids.

 

The only way I "might" have changed my mind is if I fell head over heels in love with a man whose greatest wish was to be a father. I didn't, though, so don't have to give that serious thought.

[JamesM]

Has anyone else here not wanted to have kids and changed your mind? Why didn't you want them and what was the reason you changed your mind? (The reason I want to know why you didn't want them is to compare them to my own reasons.)

 

I will speak from a guy's POV but also my wife's. Personally, I could have been either way. IF we had never had children, I would have been fine. Why? I never felt like I could be a parent. I never really liked children. (I guess I really still don't...except my own. However, now I can relate to them much more). I wanted to live my life and not deal with diapers and crying. I felt that having children meant not only I was growing up but that I now had responsibilities. Personally, I wanted to stay in my twenties....go out when I wanted to, buy what I wanted to, do what I wanted to. I did not want to grow up and be an adult. People with children looked burdened and unhappy...to me.

 

We now have four children. When we hade our first one after six years of marriage, it WAS a huge adjustment. I cannot say I suddenly loved children. In fact, I realized that what I felt was true...they WERE a burden. Our first one cried alot. Diapers stunk. And we became tied down. We fought more, because we were stressed. Huge adjustments were made. We could not go out every night. I could not come home to a peaceful house. I envied my single brother. ABout 18 months later, number two came. Same story times two. And two more years, another. And 18 months another. Four children within five and a half years. Very stressful. Somewhere along the way... I began to realize I was a father. I learned how to be one. Diapers no longer stank....it was a normal smell. Crying was a part of life. Then I realized that children can be a joy. Our lives have been enriched. And now, I don't think we could have been as complete without children. Now I feel sorry for my still single brother who has never realized the joy of parenthood...with all of its burdens, stress and dirty diapers. (Thankfully, we are past the dirty diaper stage!).

 

From my wife's POV it was different. She never wanted children. First off, she always had a fear based on a childhood dream that she would die during a pregnancy. Although one was a bit scary, thankfully this never happened. Her first pregnancy was terrible. Not only did she suffer many pre-labor pains, she had many emotional struggles. Would she be a good mother? Would she survive the pregnancy? Could we support children? Due to hormonal changes, she was a mess. She would many times up and leave to be alone. I would go outside and hunt for her...then find her near some bushes just crying. Instead of talking to me, she would just walk away. I am not sure how we made it.

 

When the first child was born, she changed overnite...actually within minutes. She HAD survived the pregnancy and birth. And she now held ...in her eyes...the most beautiful baby boy ever born. She suddenly appeared incredibly overjoyed and relaxed. She now knew she not only could do it, but she wanted to do it. As soon as she came home, she refigured bills and income and determined we had no choice...we will be able to support children. Now she knew she wanted a houseful. This has never changed. Sure, she has had many doubts along the way. But she never lost sight of her role as mother. Even though it may be difficult, she has always put her children first.

 

So, what were our reasons? I think mainly lack of confidence in that we could be parents, lack of real interest in children, selfish interest in living our own lives, and simply a fear of facing the future. I still think we could have done without, because we would have never known the difference. Yet I wonder if our marriage would have survived as well without that tie of children even though it was stressful. But now that we have gone through those first few years, I know that we will never regret the fact that we DID have children. Not only do I sometimes wish we had started sooner, I wonder whether we could have had more.

 

For you, I don't have advice. You will need to make that decision. I know at your age of 24 or 25, I was not even married. We had our first child at 32. This was our second pregnancy...we miscarried at around 30. So, I would say to you...not only do you have time, but relax and let time make up your mind for you. You may be surprised what is in the future.

[JamesM]

Norajane, I really respect your opinion and decision. I know that probably would have been us if we didn't have them.

 

My wife said many similar things yet when we had children she changed. We have had the conversation a few times...what if. She truly thinks today that she is mentally better off with having children to be responsible for. She was going to counselling while pregnant. After our first one was born, she was told by her counsellor that seemed so much more emotionally stable and fulfilled. My wife still thinks that having children refocused her mind so that her life had a purpose. I am not saying that is for everyone but you sound so like her, I needed to throw that out there.

 

But yes, this is not some easy life decision to try. Once the decision has been made, life WILL change.

[norajane]

Norajane, I really respect your opinion and decision. I know that probably would have been us if we didn't have them.

 

My wife said many similar things yet when we had children she changed. We have had the conversation a few times...what if. She truly thinks today that she is mentally better off with having children to be responsible for. She was going to counselling while pregnant. After our first one was born, she was told by her counsellor that seemed so much more emotionally stable and fulfilled. My wife still thinks that having children refocused her mind so that her life had a purpose. I am not saying that is for everyone but you sound so like her, I needed to throw that out there.

 

But yes, this is not some easy life decision to try. Once the decision has been made, life WILL change.

 

James, my mom had my sister when I was 14. I spent her first 4 years of her life taking care of her, often completely by myself, because both my parents had to work a lot of overtime to keep a roof over our heads. I know the rewards as well as the hassles.

 

I've had a lot of sex over the last 20 years...I believe if a child was supposed to have been a part of my life experience, if it had truly been meant for me, there would be a child in my life now.

[Guest]

i believe when u are in a relationship or a marriage the decision to have or not have children is based on what is best for both and what both honestly want. i have been on both sides of the fence. first you should know this - i love children, i believe i am a great parent and when people ask me waht i 'do' i tell them i am a dad. i have one daughter. have i ever wanted another child? yes, that is why when i started dating after my divorce that i only dated single mothers. when i was married, my wife and i decided together that we would have a child and we honour this commitment to this day. when i was in a relationship afterwards, the woman and i did the same thing.

 

we discussed having or not having a child together for a very long time. while we both would have loved to have had a child together, we released that, at our age, and with our daughters both soon to be teenagers, that we did not need to have a child together to complete us and that, by not having one we would be able to have more quality time together. so, we both decided and did this family planning together - doing so is a huge acknowledgment of the commitment to one another. and because it is much riskier for a woman to undergo an operation, i had one done instead.

 

2 years later the relationship ended, and i was faced with the fact that a decision we made together now only impacted me. and that is fine because i stand by my decision and i do not regret making it with her - even thought she is not in my life. i already hit the jackpot with my daughter - so its all good.

[JamesM]

Norajane, I can appreciate where you are coming from. We have been there. And like I said, I doubt we would have missed children if we never had them.

 

And if you're wondering why I'm asking these questions, it's because one of my main criteria in a guy is someone who doesn't want children. If I'm going to change my mind (as people claim), then maybe that shouldn't be one of my criteria.

 

Crazygirl, here is where I would be careful. If either of you should change your minds, then the other will feel trapped into a decision. Say you want children...this will become a major issue. Or he decides yes he wants them, you will feel pressured.

 

So, you are still young. Alot can happen that will change your mind...this doesn't mean that you will, but like I said, if I were you ...and I would say this to me back then, too...just be patient. I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer to this one, but I also don't think that at a young age, one can decide for certain what the answer will be.

[Guest]

i think change is good. the woman i married and had a child with is so much like me. we have been divorced for many, many years now but when we had our 'wonderful' gurl - we both knew that was enuff for us. would she have another if she met someone else? maybe? has she? nope. if she decided to have another child would that impact what we had planned together? nope. because she has her own life as i do mine. those life decisions only play a part in 'the relationship' we had, and that is over - so if she was to change her mind, it wouldn't be any of my business. same with any relationship i have been in. decisions only matter to those still in a relationship. and everyone is expected to change and grow thru life. change is a good thing. if anyone i once dated was expecting i would be happy for them because children are wonderful and change you forever. everyone should be fortunate enuff to have been blessed with a healthy child.

[crazy_grl]

Thanks for your replies, James and Norajane. You both gave me a lot of things to think about.

 

James, don't get me wrong. I know I'm still young. I'm not thinking about this because I think I have to make the decision today or because I'm looking for the guy I want to marry right now. I don't intend to get married until I'm at least 30. I'm just re-evaluating stance and deciding whether I should keep my "doesn't want kids" criteria.

 

Norajane, everything you said is a lot like how I feel.

[RecordProducer]

Almost every time I say I don't want kids, someone says, "You'll change your mind." I'm trying to figure out why it is that people say this. Are they just basing it on the "biological clock" concept? Is there some other reason I'm missing? So many people have made this statement that I want to evaluate its validity.

People think of others what they know of themselves. Most people who want kids can't conceive how someone can NOT want them (including myself). It's totally a matter of instinct and emotions and the decision is based on that. I believe many women have children without desiring them too much, which doesn't mean they don't love them once they are born. In my opinion, you shouldn't have a child if you don't want one.

 

Has anyone else here not wanted to have kids and changed your mind? Why didn't you want them and what was the reason you changed your mind? If you always wanted to have kids, why did you want them?

A girl who went to school with me said she would never marry and have kids. She wanted to be a surgeon and said she wouldn't have time for that.

 

She got married at age 19, moved to New Zealand, returned after 6 years and now they have two sons a bit younger than mine. I think during school she was school-oriented, but then she fell in love and when this guy decided to move to NZ, they had to be married so that she could go with him. She graduated from university in NZ and obtained a degree in biology. She never worked in any scientific field and now she works at the Australian embassy.

 

If you ask me, she should've been a model; she was perfectly beautiful.

And if you're wondering why I'm asking these questions, it's because one of my main criteria in a guy is someone who doesn't want children. If I'm going to change my mind (as people claim), then maybe that shouldn't be one of my criteria

Very interesting perspective. How old are you, may I ask? You can find a guy who is flexible about the subject. But you never know. My husband was flexible "I dunno... Sometimes I do, sometimes I think I am too old for one, but if you want a child, we'll have it, if not - no problem." Well when I got pregnant, he was CERTAIN he didn't want one. Thank god, cuz I'd be breastfeeding and changing a baby instead of playing guitar, producing music, sleeping, reading, hanging out with my kids...

 

If you always wanted to have kids, why did you want them?

I have no idea. I played with dolls when I was a kid and always knew I'd have two kids. It was totally not a decision made at one point encouraged by some motive. Just like asking you why you don't eat grass and how come it's tasty for the cows but not for you.

 

Having a child is a too huge obligation for it to be taken lightly. "let's try it out" is not a good start for a baby. You have to be absolutely sure that you want it and that you're ready for it. If the sacrifice that you'll make for your child is not accompanied by a lot of joy then it's mere torture and imprisonment.

 

On the other hand, the love for them and the love they give you is like no other love in this world. I will never love any man the way I love my babies and no man will ever love me the way they love me. It's closest to what we seek in our partners: unconditional love, compassion, sacrifice, closeness, good company, always on each others' side, etc. Of course this takes certain features in order to be achieved. I've seen mothers who can't wait to get rid of their children.Their best investments are baby-sitters and playstations to keep the kids busy. Their best friends are family members willing to take the kids for two hours. Their favorite kids' behavior is when kids act as if they don't exist.

 

And finally, some kids are "better" and easier to raise than others. Some are more interesting and cheerful than others. Some want to see you happy, some want to spite you and do what they want.

 

The worst combination would be for you to make yourself have a child against your will then have one of "those" kids for which you need to read tons of books and see a few counselors so you can persuade them to go to bed on time or stop being hysterical when you don't buy them what they want.

[Guest]

never have a child against your will....and [my 2 cents]

 

i dated a woman and we talked about this kinda stuff alot and the main thing we disagreed on was just one thing. she told me that even if we had said NO MORE BABIES FOR YOU! and that somehow she got preggers, she would keep the baby no matter how much she knew that might not be the right thing....i fell on the other side of the fence...which one of us was right?

 

both! i wish i could have such commitment - while she probably wish she could think about herself more

 

either way....BABIES ARE EVERYTHING. we will never do anything more imporant in our life. Woman have the greatest gift of all - they can give birth to a child. Wicked man!

[RecordProducer]

BABIES ARE EVERYTHING. we will never do anything more imporant in our life. Woman have the greatest gift of all - they can give birth to a child. Wicked man!

Awwww! This is so true and it's so nice of a guy to say this!

[alphamale]

they are basing this upon the fact that most women want to have kids eventually. very few women don't want kids at some time.

 

many men can go either way on the kids thing.

[Guest]

I got fixed because I was sure I wouldn't want kids. However, to allow for the possibility of my changing my mind, I got a tubal done in a way that was supposedly reversible. I gather that reversals can be difficult. If I were to do it today, I'd probably see if I could get a bunch of eggs harvested and frozen.

 

But I never did change my mind. I always figured that it would be better to adopt some homeless kids anyway - never cared whether my own genes continued when there are perfectly good little kids alive with no families.

[crazy_grl]

Thanks for all your input everyone. (Sorry I missed the first 2 guest's posts the first time.)

 

People think of others what they know of themselves. Most people who want kids can't conceive how someone can NOT want them (including myself).

 

That makes sense.

 

It seems to be the reverse for me. I can sometimes almost grasp why people want them, but never completely.

 

I believe many women have children without desiring them too much, which doesn't mean they don't love them once they are born. In my opinion, you shouldn't have a child if you don't want one.

 

I don't intend to if I don't want to. But a big fear of mine as far as relationships are concerned is that when I eventually get married (in the distant future) my husband will decide he wants kids (or worse yet always really wanted them but figured I'd change my mind) and then our marriage would be over. I'd hate for it to be the other way around.

 

I know it seems an absurd thing to worry about. I'm not even really worrying so much as just pondering. I've heard a lot of stories about people divorcing because one wanted children and the other didn't (one I heard when I was younger about a woman who'd been divorced 3 times, because each time her husband decided he wanted kids). The main reason I'm thinking about it right now is because I've seen quite a few threads lately where this has been a problem.

 

I never gave much credit to the "you'll change your mind" thing but cleary many people do change them. So I just wondered what it is that makes them do that and if that's something that's likely to apply to me (realizing of course that I can never know for sure what the future will hold).

 

How old are you, may I ask?

 

Almost 25.

 

You can find a guy who is flexible about the subject.

 

Not a bad idea.

 

never have a child against your will....and [my 2 cents]

 

Thanks. Don't worry. I won't.

 

they are basing this upon the fact that most women want to have kids eventually. very few women don't want kids at some time.

 

many men can go either way on the kids thing.

 

You really think so? I've only met a few guys who've said they don't want kids. I've wondered how many say they do just because they think women do. But even after I've said I don't want any, most guys stick to saying they do. Guess they could just be trying to save face.

[alphamale]

But even after I've said I don't want any, most guys stick to saying they do. Guess they could just be trying to save face.

please don't take offence C_G, but at your age (25) most people don't know what the hell they want. When I was your age I sure as heck didn't...

[crazy_grl]

please don't take offence C_G, but at your age (25) most people don't know what the hell they want. When I was your age I sure as heck didn't...

 

No offense taken. Good point.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Deciding to have kids: "You'll change your mind"

 

I admit. I am nervous -or rather, have been nervous about this issue for a long time.

 

Your thread, crazy_grl, is daunting and rosy all at the same time.

 

The one question that has been circling around in my mind, for last couple of years -and I never seem to find a middle-ground for my satisfaction, is:

 

How do you know whether or not you want a child(ren)?

 

In my memory: Once, I had a mellow and strange dream about procreating/pregnancy/offsprings. I woke up the next day, only to realize the sour taste of the epiphany. It opened within me hidden feelings, I thought were long dead and irrelevant, about motherhood and children.

 

IF it weren't for that dream, I don't know where I'd be today.

 

I don't know, about the overall truth and significance, of dreams in one's life -but it absolutely emersed me from the lake of disillusional reality.

 

I have, yet, to come to a final and concrete decision about this issue. However, I know where most of my thoughts lay.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[alphamale]

The one question that has been circling around in my mind, for last couple of years -and I never seem to find a middle-ground for my satisfaction, is:

 

How do you know whether or not you want a child(ren)?

For the majority of people it is not planned. It either happens or it doesn't. For most people it happens, however.

 

I got married at 28 and did want kids at that time. We were married for 3 yrs and it didn't work out. We did not have any kids. Now I am 41 and childless and it really does not bother me one bit. Actually its a blessing in disguise when I see what single moms and dads go thru.

 

What I'm trying to say in a nutshell is you have very little say in the matter.

[Pyro]

Has anyone else here not wanted to have kids and changed your mind? Why didn't you want them and what was the reason you changed your mind? (The reason I want to know why you didn't want them is to compare them to my own reasons.)

 

I find myself changing my mind from time to time on this situation. I see couples with adorable looking kids and it makes me want to have one myself, but then I think about all the challenge and responsibility that goes along with having a child. I am sure that I eventually will, but not anytime soon. I want to finish school, pay off debts, get married, and enjoy the married life before I settle down and raise a family.

[alphamale]

I want to finish school, pay off debts, get married, and enjoy the married life before I settle down and raise a family.

excellent plan RIDDLER...

[Pyro]

excellent plan RIDDLER...

 

And believe me when I say that I take ALL the necessary precautions.

 

Already have had a pregnant scare.

[alphamale]

And believe me when I say that I take ALL the necessary precautions.

we may have our differences RIDDLER but i will say you're a smart kid....you'll do OK.

[IpAncA]

I don't know why people change their mind. Sometimes they just do for a number of reasons. You might change you mind later and then again you might not. IMO I think children are only annoying, rude, and a burden when they are not well behaved and well behaved children now a days is hard to find.

 

I'm only 25 too and to tell you the truth I didn't want children and kind of still don't but if I did get pregant again I would want them now instead of later in life so I have the E to keep up with them. I can't see myself in my 40s with a 5 year old. My parents always told me to get it out of the way (they did) because when I'm older I won't want to do it.

[alphamale]

I don't know why people change their mind.

because one's life path is hard to predict...

 

IMO I think children are only annoying, rude, and a burden when they are not well behaved and well behaved children now a days is hard to find.

you're telling me sister!!!

 

I'm only 25 too and to tell you the truth I didn't want children and kind of still don't but if I did get pregant again I would want them now instead of later in life so I have the E to keep up with them.

the one advantage of having kids later on is people are usuaully more secure financially. so you may have resources to get a nanny or something

 

I can't see myself in my 40s with a 5 year old.

why not? I know a number of women who had their first child in their late 30s or early 40s. its common nowadays....

 

My parents always told me to get it out of the way (they did) because when I'm older I won't want to do it.

the parents are partially correct but their thinking is a bit outdated.