Questioning

[klynnds]

I need some advice

I think I am loosing it. My husband used to be very insecure hated the thought of me working around guys. This was from his ex who slept with any man she came in contact with.

Anyways we haven't had friends; we've just been together, and with our kids. Now my husband has a newly divorced friend who claims he needs to get out each week.

So my husband has told me he is taking a new outlook on life and wants to go out whenever he wants to. Which didn't bother me until now he wears cologne (he never wore it before) bought some new pants, and now is getting txt msgs from an unknown source. Also he takes his phone to the bathroom with him even, and even silences it all the time

Last weekend he told me he was invited to a holloween party and that he may go. Just him and a few guys. I think he's playing me for an idiot. Unless he's gay, but I know he's not. He didn't go because I kinda made a big deal about I didn't believe that it was all guys.

He says he wants me to go out too but I really don't feel comfortable with it. I really feel he's cheating, things just aren't adding up.

I need to find a way to spy on him, I don't know I feel like a basket case...

Any advice?

[Romeo Must Die]

It didn't bother you before because you trusted him. He expects you not to go out with him, I suggest you get a new leaf, too and go with him and stand your ground. Protect whats yours.

 

You have to learn to trust yourself, trust your instincts. Your gut feelings. It's better that you figure it out now before it gets out of hand. The one thing you have to be careful with is not to mention the cologne, the pants or the cellphone right away, otherwise he will go underground and make it harder to challenge him.

 

As for me, I would have followed him to this halloween party. It would be easy to disguise onself in a costume. Too late now, halloween has come and gone. There are lots of ways to investigate, you just got to work up the nerve first. You could follow him when he is out, enlist the help of a friend. Get the password to his celly, check his phone bill for frequently called numbers and do a reverse phone search. Put a digital tape recorder in his vehicle.

 

[klynnds]

Hello!

Thank you for your information, it helped a lot.

On Saturday I got a digital recorder, and getting it in/out of his car was a task. But he went out for a an hour or so and came home. Nothing but music was on the recording.

But I did ask him about taking me with him, and he said 'no way', he wants to go out with his friends, while he allows me to go with mine.

 

All this doesn't jive, next weekend I figured I'm going to have to follow him. The cell phone shows text msgs from a number that shows only 202. No way to trace it back.

Last year he went to a friends house in Ca. for a few days and I was fine with it, but then he started to go wash his car or fill it at night. Out of the blue he would say 'I'm going to wash my car'. So I was documenting the times and when I looked over the cell phone bill there were long phone calls to an 800 number, turned out to be a calling card. He told me he was just calling his friend that he went to visit. Well this friend is both of ours and he never had to leave to call him before and we have free long distance so he didn't need to talk via a calling card. 2 months later he went to New Mexico for work and he didn't call me once. He actually told me he turned off his cell because he had no reception. Which is bs our cell service is nationwide.

 

I think this is getting the best of me and tearing me up. I either want to catch him at a bar with someone, or see him just with his friends and get over it already. This mistrust is not healthy at all.

[Romeo Must Die]

Awesome, you really got a recorder, thats great. Be patient though, okay. You have to hang in there and never give up too quickly. You just started your investigation. The calling card is another red flag, but you are right, why use a calling card? Thats ridiculous. It sounds like he has something to hide. But honestly, its really good that you were able to find that info so far. You are a smart girl. You are doing a really good job. If he is calling his OW he will try to call her when he is out in the car. They always like to call them before bed too. If you can get the card, use up the minutes so he gets frustrated.

 

When my hubby was cheating, he all but drove me INSANE trying to figure him out. He would turn everything I had around on me & say I was crazy. She's just a friend. Youre out of your mind. He would pick a fight and leave. Damn, I was so trusting and naive. This is a guy who swore he'd never, ever cheat one me. You have to be careful not to confront them too soon. It is a game and you have to play your cards very carefully. Keep a straight poker face and dont show him your hand. If he is cheating he will screw up somewhere and you will be there to catch him when he does.

 

Anyway, you want to know how I finally caught my husband? This was my D-day. He said he was going out to the shed (on Easter Sunday?) and I guess he forgot we had relatives and dinner waiting all day for him. I went out looking for him, but I didnt see him at his "friends" house. I almost gave up, I drove around the corner and headed home, but guess what? I found his truck parked in the alley behind the OW's garage, up against the wall so it so it wouldnt be seen from the main street.

 

So, I parked my truck and I took out my pocketknife he bought me for christmas one year, and I popped a little hole in each and every one of the sidewalls of the tires. Boy was that really loud. It didnt explode or anything, but it made this loud woooshing noise. Like an airplane. Nobody heard me though, they were busy inside the house banging their brains out. I left the knife in his front tire. He had to have his truck towed home hours later on a flatbed trailer. His truck had a lift kit and needed special tires. It wasnt easy to replace them on a holiday. It also called attention to him from the whole neighborhood.

 

Later I found out that the OW wanted to have me arrested for tresspassing but it was a public alley (haha dummy) and I was co-owner of the truck after all, so I could pop the tires if I wanted to. Heheheh.

 

Keep your head up girl, there are many ways to catch a rat. You have to outsmart them.

 

[Romeo Must Die]

PS In response to your other post, yes this is completely horrible and unfortunately it happens to alot of good people everyday. There is a weath of information on the web, www.survivinginfidelity.com is a good resource for support and information. If he has been acting strange for a year, you might be dealing with a long term affair and you will need lots of support and understanding from your friends, family and others in your same situation. I had to deal with my husbands LTA and I'm right now, I am a year and a half past it. We reconcilled, but I had a lot of help. I think you can handle this, too. With the proper help and support. You are not alone. You just have to be strong and be ready to handle anything that comes your way. Not just in marriage, but with everything in life.

 

Peace

 

[klynnds]

You have truely given me inspiration. Thank you. I really felt like I was becomming infatuated with it all. You've helped me put it all into perspective. Damn Men! Although women do it too, in fact my brother's wife and a friend's wife both left their husbands for their friends. Not only your husbands and wives you lose trust with, friends too.

 

Sad part is they make us look like were idiots, my husband said he was cheated on by his ex so he always kept a noose around my neck. He was counting the minutes when I would go to the store. I used to feel bad for him, but right now I feel it takes two, and he did his share in the past.

 

Something else, he had to get a new cell phone. Its not on the same plan as our family plan. He said it was for the loss of reception areas. GRRR!

 

I guess I'm more discouraged, because I feel used. I make more money than him and he needs my financial support.

 

The other night he blew up on me for no reason. I was sitting doing some studying for a class and he all of a sudden went nuts. Then prompted to tell me he should have left me years ago. What an a$$! The next day he said he didn't mean it but deep down he did.

 

On the recording I heard him tell his son who is 15 that he wants to be able to go out, be single again, and thats the problem with me here.

 

After 15 years there is a new side of him or not new I was just blind to it.

 

Thanks again for your understanding, I don't feel so hung up on it. I now have a goal:p

[klynnds]

Thank you for your support! How were you able to reconcile? Do you have kids? I have a 22 year old son away at school, he has a 19 year old away, and a 15 year old with is. Are you still with him? If so, do you still have trust? I feel once that trust is gone, been lied to, defied, and cheated on there is nothing left but pain. I feel its something that will always be there and never go away.

Dam people really are selfish, I guess if they really cared than they would have not have had an affair or they would have left the relationship.

 

Aloha!

[Romeo Must Die]

Its cool sweetie, glad I could be there when you needed a friend. How was I able to reconcile? Wow, big question! There were so many things, I guess I wanted him to be happy. I put him first and I allowed him to make up his mind. You certianly cant force them into it. It has to be a mutual thing. Still, you have to be quite prepared to lose him. To let go of him. There is always that chance but its very (very) very small that it will actually happen before the divorce papers are drawn-up. Its called the 180. You turn away from them and let them wonder how they will make it without you for a change. Its basicly not letting them see you hurting. Allow them to persue you while you focus on yourself and take care of (((you))) for once in your life. They will notice the changes in you and take interest.

 

The things you said about him watching over you when you left to go to the store, his posession over you, that is going to be a key factor later because its the bond (the attachment) that you have with him that cannot be broken by even the most beautiful, adept, or cunning OW. You are his wife after all, you are his and his alone. He is not going to want to let you go that easily. Please trust me on that.

 

You have the power over him. It's true, and it pisses off the OW to no end. The MM do persue the OW, but the OW persue MM with lots of attention, by giving him the physical and emotional things he really needs right now. Its a temporary fix for a big wound inside of him. Things he is missing at home. Things he is missing within HIMSELF after his first wife cheated on him. These are things he wants and needs from you but he got disconnected from you somewhere along the way and he is detached. He is on auto pilot. Its how he survives the guilt and shame. Its why it has to be such a big secret from you. He does not want to take the big step and lose you even if he deserves it. You can count on it. Behind every great man is a great woman.

 

When you said that about telling his son his desire to be single again, dont take a wandering spouses mischief to heart. Dont allow yourself to go crazy. You have no time to lose, you cant afford a nervous breakdown. I know it hurts alot. It takes the wind out of your sails and feels like you got hit with a 2x4 right in the chest (right) but you have years of history with this man, his smile, his kindness, his love for his children speaks volumes in comparison. Those things are real. That is your focus. That is what will pick you up again if you reconcille. It's the things you already know, what you share together that counts. Basicly you have so many years with him, thats important. If you started a new relationship with a new guy, you would never have those fifteen years with the new guy right off the bat. It took us fifteen years to grow this relationship with them. You have that over OW as well. Thats why OW can be anybody and why they can be so easily let go of. You however, would be quite a challenge to divorce himself from emotionally. He is heavily invested in you more than he is in his OW.

 

Infidelity is the most painful experience a woman can face, it's almost like if you could imagine your husband died and thats how I would describe it best to you. I guess you could say that there are many depths and levels that are too painful to even describe - pulling you into the depths of despair. All the way to the bottom of the sea before you get one gasp of air at the surface. Like a death, one can only experience infidelity to fully understand.

 

You think you would leave him but then again, maybe not. Saying that they cheat because they do not care is a cliche. Also, don't let others tell you what to do with your life. They dont have to live it. Reconcilliation takes alot of selflessness and self sacrifice and thats when the rewards pay off the big dividends. A brand new love. Thats what reconcilliation is like, stronger and more powerful than first love is a second love with the same person. Imagine that.

 

Another thing to do is to look after yourself, so go ahead and do things to make yourself happy, beautiful and alluring. Take a day off, go to the beach and get a suntan and stick your toes in the sand and will yourself to live. When I seperated for a short time, I remained loyal. I still behaved like a wife. I did make up fake dates to fool him though and that drove him up the wall. (I told these stories to my kids knowing full well they would tattle on me and they blabbed, blah blah blah to dad) To make him understand I could be quite a catch. Lets see, there was DJ Tony from Madison and a firefighter from West Bend. He would pick up the kids and I would be dressed up, as though I were just leaving, fresh roses on the table. (Thanks Walmart!) I got my first (and last) belly piercing and I of course, flashed a little glimpse of it to him, very innocently of course! I just left it all up to his imagination and remained a perfect mystery to him.

 

Sixteen years, three kids (10, 9 and 3) and still going strong. We had an older son (he would be 21 this year) but he died in an accident when he was 17. Love is your most powerful asset right now. Use it if you got it. You know everything about him, probably better than he even knows himself. Hes not getting away with anything. You know it, and I know it. You are no fool. Remember that always, no matter what happens. If you cant have faith in him right now, then have faith in yourself. You will be fine. You will survive anything that comes your way. Self confidence is the key. Dont let anyone kill what makes you special.

 

[Trimmer]

Damn Men! Although women do it too...

 

You know, at first I was going to gently take exception to this, and agree that people of both genders hurt each other badly. But then I thought that my comment wasn't really helpful to your situation, so I deleted it before posting.

 

But then after thinking about it, I had to come back and post it, and here's why. When we get hurt like this (and I have been in your shoes, although I'm a man and I was cheated on by my wife...) we want to know why, and it makes it a little easier to bear if we can say "All men are beasts, they all cheat" or "women are all selfish cheats", but what that does is it takes some of the heat and responsibility off our own partner. In fact, individuals hurt their partners, those individuals come in both flavors, and they don't represent their entire genders.

 

And all at once, while it's harder and even a little more painful, to understand why "my wife (individually) cheated on me (specifically)" in the context of our own relationship than just blowing it off as "Damn women!", it is also more hopeful for the future to say "there are good women out there", than just going through the rest of my life saying "Damn women!"

 

This probably doesn't really help your current situation directly, but it just made me think a little bit. Your husband doesn't represent the rest of us men, and I know that my (STBX) wife doesn't represent all women... (Oh, please tell me that's true!!! )

[klynnds]

Aloha RMD,

 

Thank you for everything. Well I must tell you my so-called Romeo was busted. I caught it on the recorder. Oh gawd what a nightmare. He actually told her he loved her, madly in love with her and that they would be together soon.

Apparently when he went to New Mexico and Calif. it was to spend time with her. What an ....bleep...bleep... UGH!

 

My heart was lost. I played it for him and he then told me he only talked to her twice, then he told me she looked him up on the net, and they were teenager lovers.

 

One of my biggest problems with cheaters is they take a peice of the innocent. He took all my securities and left me feeling like a fool.

 

I love him, but I told him that if I ever found out he cheated on me; I would like him in a heartbeat. Same thing happend when an old boyfriend hit me once. Thats all it took once, he hit me so hard knocked me into a coffee table, funny thing was on the coffee table was a nice crystal ashtray that I threw at him, I left and never looked back.

 

I know people are human, but to me someone having an affair is the lowest thing they can do to someone.

 

I actually feel ill knowing he went with her, came home than had sex with me. Oh my gawd what nerve. I don't think I ever can accept this. I've been betrayed, I've known it for awhile now. I just have the proof.

 

I really don't think I can accept him back. You know he actually said 'come back home and we can be room-mates'. F- that.

 

No better time now than to make a change in my life, and keep telling myself that I can better myself.

 

My problem is once a cheater, it'll will take years to recover from it. But I really don't think the insecurity will ever go away.

 

Boy I am so confused. Love him, leave him, hate him, hug him, and sometimes I feel like I wish I never knew him.

 

Thank you for your support, I did go with my instinct and it was right. But you know how bad I wanted it to be wrong.

 

I wish I had the strength to feel that my love for him is strong enough to get past this. Actually it is, but to live with it, and not to trust him is another thing.

 

Guess I'm talking in circles and rambling like an idiot.

 

Thank you! You have no idea how much strength you gave me. If your ever in Maui do look me up.

[klynnds]

Aloha Trimmer

 

 

Thank you! I agree men or women cheaters don't represent everyone. But you know my problem is. Its those who cheat make it hard and even hell for those that don't.

 

In fact when I left my home the other night after I heard my husband on tape telling a women he loved her, the only friend I could visit was a guy whose wife just left him for one of his closest friends. I feel so bad for him, apparently this had been going on for 2 years. Same with my brother, his wife left him recently for one of my brothers friends. Women can be just as bad, in fact they can be worse. It makes me utterly sick.

 

I'm really sorry for anyone who has to go through this hell. Its almost like being rapped. Kinda strong term for it, but they really take a peice of you and then of all things they blame it on you. They turn around their BS and mentally torment you.

 

Your a fine man, and pleased to know not all men are like my husband..

 

Thank you!!

[Romeo Must Die]

Yeah, like you said, I'm glad you are not being played anymore but I'm also sorry this means the end of your marriage. OMG I cant believe it you got him on tape saying I love you to the ow. It's perfect evidence. Thats insane, the things they do, but then again I have a few photographs to remind me. Remove all the doubt. MM in LTA's are despicable cads. Anyway, you do what is right for you, me and romeo are whats right for me and if he ever does it again, he can go live with your husband and they can get an apartment together, how about that. Somewhere in ICELAND as long as its far away, lol.

 

[Guest]

There are lots of ways to investigate, you just got to work up the nerve first. You could follow him when he is out, enlist the help of a friend. Get the password to his celly, check his phone bill for frequently called numbers and do a reverse phone search. Put a digital tape recorder in his vehicle.

 

 

I'm sorry but this is total BS. If you feel you need to take this kind of action against your spouse, then my advice is would be to just hand him divorce papers instead of invading his privacy. If your at the point where this sounds like the right thing to do, your marriage is already over.

[Romeo Must Die]

LOL, he is having an affair but I'm the bad girl for disrespecting his privacy? LOL. What privacy? Dont you think this buster has had a little too much privacy? I have to disagree. To me it's out-thinking the MM who would otherwise claim the marriage is good for pretenses sake while engaged in an affair.

 

My husband used to start a fight with me so he had a reason to leave. When he did this I was left crying and shaken and he was out banging the ow and telling her how I make his life miserable. It's loves cruel game. I trusted him to be at his friends where he said he was headed, but I had a feeling he wasnt being honest and then one day, I got up my courage and I found him at OW's.

 

Then about a month after d-day, her own daughter called me to warn me Romeo was over there and not at the store like he said he would be. He didnt have a receipt, go figure that one out. I had to leave Romeo for a year because he kept denying everything the entire time.

 

By that Christmas, he was spending Christmas Eve at ow's and simultaniously trying to get back together with me Christmas Day and sneaking my little kids over there in between, making them promise not to tell mommy. He taught my children to lie to me and that is worse than anything I have ever done.

 

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry but this is total BS. If you feel you need to take this kind of action against your spouse, then my advice is would be to just hand him divorce papers instead of invading his privacy. If your at the point where this sounds like the right thing to do, your marriage is already over.

 

WTF??

 

I can't stop laughing at this reply...Makes no sense whatsoever!

[Romeo Must Die]

I know more about the ow than I do about some of my best friends. I know her birthdate. I know her middle name. I have public records of her domestic disputes and subsequent divorce information and it's all on the internet. 24 hours a day. On the other hand, she has been in my bed, threw out my belonging's and went through my family photos. WH was buying her a harley leather coat and digital camera, while me and the kids struggled and waited in lines at the food pantry.

 

There is no magic to it. It's all just an illusion.

 

or maybe I'm just plain evil, you know. The devil BW.