Guest Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 My wife and I have been married for 10 years and just last week she told me she that she loved me but she wasn't in love with me anymore, and that she was in love with another man. This other man is an old boyfriend from high school, who she said was her first love. She said she ran into this guy a few months ago while getting lunch next door to her work, which is a business that we own. After that he started dropping by her work to bring her lunch and hang out with her. She said that everything was innocent at first but that after a while, she noticed the way he would look at her and she started to develop feelings for him. Now she feels that she loves him. My wife told me that she didn't feel any passion between us anymore and that she feels that from him. She said she feels that our relationship had been on auto-pilot for a few years now and that we had lost our connection. We both work full time and I've also been going to school full time for the past 3 years as well so I know that I haven't given her as much attention as she deserves but I never knew she felt this way. She said she felt like she was just my maid and my cook and that I didn't appreciate her and show her enough attention. I think she's right in thinking I didn't give her enough attention but we both knew and had discussed that while I was going to school, it would be difficult to spend a lot of time together but that in the long run, it would be the best for our family's future. I just don't know what to do. She said she wanted to "date" both of us so that she could decide who she wanted to be with. I feel like she's being extremely selfish for doing this but she's my wife and I don't want to let her go. I love her so much but I know I can't force her to love me. Yesterday I had asked her if we could work on saving our marriage and after a few days of her thinking about it she said she would give me a month to work on us. She continues to see this guy, although she says they've never done anything more than kiss. I asked her to stop seeing him so that we can work on us but she told me that by saying that, I'm making her choose now, and that if she chooses now, she'll choose him. Today, she said that she wants us to try and save our marriage so she's going to stop seeing him after she goes on a date with him tonight. This is absolutely killing me. There have been times this past week where my wife and I were talking and she's been exchanging text messages on her cellphone with him. I almost feel like she's already made her decision but is only saying she'll work on us to placate me, not because she really wants to. I'm dying here and I don't know what to do. I don't see how she'll really just end everything with him, especially because of her actions since she told me. I want to save our marriage more than anything so I'm trying to be patient with this but I don't know how I'll be able to trust her after something like this. What should I do?
Guest Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I also forgot to mention that 6 months after my wife and I were married, I left for 8 months for military training. After I left the military she told me that while I was gone she had cheated on me with somone but that it had been a singular incident. Well, the same night she told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, she told me that she had actually moved in with the guy she had cheated on me with. She said it was because she had a drug problem and that he provided easy access to the drugs. She said she didn't feel anything emotionally for him. She also said she didn't tell me all the details because she wanted to spare me the pain. Obviously, after she had told me about this, the first time, we had some severe trust issues. After several years I began to trust her more and more but I still felt I couldn't trust her 100%. She's telling me now that she did everything to earn my trust back but that because I never fully trusted her, that contributed to where we are now. She said that I would routinely bring up her infidelity and that it killed her inside. The only times I would ever bring it up is when I would have a recurring dream that she was cheating on me and I would tell her about the dream. I feel like she's using that as an excuse to make me feel bad for her cheating on me this time. I feel like, if she was hurt because of my lack of complete trust in her, how is her falling in love with another man going to fix that? I hate to say this but, in my mind I feel like I should just let her go, but in my heart I can't bring myself to do it. I still love her so much and can't bring myself to let her go.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Today, she said that she wants us to try and save our marriage so she's going to stop seeing him after she goes on a date with him tonight. I know you're upset, but hopefully even you can see the contradiction in that sentence. Having seen how hurt you are, your wife sounds like she is trying to let you down gently. For your own well-being, give some thought to the reality of the situation for there is much potential for you to be used (probably both emotionally and financially) while she sorts things out. You mention "family" but not kids - are there any? If its just the two of you, your focus should be on staying strong and protecting your own interests. In the long run, that also best serves any chance you might have of repairing your relationship with her. Good luck and sorry for your pain. Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 I just don't know what to do. She said she wanted to "date" both of us so that she could decide who she wanted to be with. I feel like she's being extremely selfish for doing this but she's my wife and I don't want to let her go. I love her so much but I know I can't force her to love me. Either she stays married to you and you two go to marriage counselling and fix thing or you two get a divorce so she can go be with the other guy. She CANNOT have it both ways and see how things go with him, then come back home to you. Nope. That IS selfish and cruel. And, that is not what marriage, let alone marriage vows are all about. She can't continue living with you as a wife and then date someone else. That is something one gives up when married!! Sorry for your pain.
Flyin in Clouds Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 She said she wanted to "date" both of us so that she could decide who she wanted to be with.She's been watching too much Grey's Anatomy... Turn about his fair play. Find a woman to fool around with and date while you decide if you want her. Two can play her game. Why do women dare to give this kind of crap to a guy? I don't get it. She thinks she's some kind of princess or something? Frankly I'd kick her out. I love her so much but I know I can't force her to love me.Yeah, guys get hopelessly hung up on a woman and then the woman feels they've got you over a barrel. Screw her. Well, I mean leave her sorry ass behind. she said that she wants us to try and save our marriage so she's going to stop seeing him after she goes on a date with him tonight. This is absolutely killing me.WTF? What is wrong with you? Why didn't you tell her no, you can't go and if you do don't come back. And if she did put all her cloths in the drive away and light them on fire. Oh, you might need a burnging permit first... After I left the military she told me that while I was gone she had cheated on me with somone but that it had been a singular incident. Should have left her right then. You're hopeless dude. Once a cheater always a cheater... get used to being her good little cuckold or get rid of her. I know it's hard, but kick her out. Don't even think about taking her back or fixing the marriage. She's not worth it and she'll do it again.
PCB Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 You have been too good to her, and you failed to notice over the years that she is selfish and cruel. She just got bored, some projects of hers failed, and she feels she can make herself happy with a new teddy bear. Marriage ain't shopping: you can't return or exchange your spouse. My advice: 1. Be composed. Life doesn't end here. Plan for your future. Be careful how she spends your money, etc. Protect what you have. 2. Gather evidence of her infidelity. She said it was only a kiss? Do you believe her? Anyway, it's infidelity too. Take pictures, record stuff, archive emails. 3. If you feel like doing it, find yourself a lover. Be discreet, don't let your wife know about it, because she'll get evidence of your infidelity. You too can have your chance of making up your mind the second time. Maybe you'll open your eyes and see that your wife is actually below the average. My background: my wife "discovered" she's in love with a different man. She wanted the time to find out whom she wants, but had no chance, because I moved out and demanded a divorce. Now I'm after the divorce and my days are just so much more peaceful. Now I'm seeing some nice girl. And she's so much different than my ex-wife. She's carrying, appreciating, sweet, and more serious about life. I was a fool to settle for my wife. There are so many better women around. Cheer up! If your marriage fails, you'll be better off. I'm a lucky one compared to you: I was married to my psycho for 3.5 years. You have been for 10... I'm sorry. You have kidz? Good luck!
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