Guest Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I wanted to try to give everyone here the "other" side of the fence and hopefully it's helpful or provides some insight to those who were "dumped". I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago. We had been kinda on and off for a couple of years. She was not very nice to me over the past year and made lots of mean and insulting comments to me. I was kinda looking around at other women. I was really frustrated with my ex. I happen to meet another women (my rebound??) and she was awesome (or so I thought) and told me how wonderful I was, how great I looked, how sweet I was. She told me all of the things I longed to hear from my ex. I just quit calling my ex. She called a couple of weeks later and left me a voice mail to say "hi". Later she left a text and asked me if I wanted some hot sex. A couple of months later she emailed and said she ran into my friends. I just did not care. I had this new woman and was totally into her. I wasn't even thinking about my ex anymore. I didn't respond at all to her. About a month ago my new woman and I broke up. She wasn't really what she appeared to be and had a lot of emotional issues. About 3 weeks after the breakup, I was going to send my first ex and email about how I was taking her off my club membership because it was expiring soon and I was going back to a single membership (I wanted to be a dick to her). At the time I just wanted to be totally done with her. I never sent the email. About a week later, I decided to go to the gym at a time when I thought she might be there ... maybe to just say "hi" and see how she would react. I expected her to be angry and a bitch. I came up and started on the cardio machine next to her. We said "hi" to each other. She smiled. She didn't seem angry. I was prepared for her "attitude" and to say "I knew this is how you would be" and walk off. We just talked about stuff; kids, work, what was going on, catching up for about an hour. We didn't discuss the relationship. I liked talking with her. She looked pretty. I was still attracted to her. I asked her if she wanted to go to Starbucks and we met there and talked somemore. I asked her if she wanted to go for a hike later that day. She did. So we went. We just hung out and got a little physical. Then she wanted to know why I quit calling her and what happened. I just said I was sure she would just get angry if I didn't call and never talk to me again (that is her M.O.) So we talked about it. She never got mad. Actually she said I really hurt her feelings. I had no idea. I felt guilty. I was selfish when I left and I didn't know it would hurt her. I felt like a heal. I apologized. Anyway, we ended up in bed and it was HOT. Opps! I know I was not suppose to do that! Anyway, we've been seeing each other and it has been better than it was. So, what I learned from all of this that might be helpful: 1. She was not angry at all. That surprised me. Do not be angry or defensive when you talk with your ex!! 2. She did not bring up the relationship right away and jump down my throat. Be cautious about bringing up the relationship too soon and getting too deep in conversation. 3. Make sure you're just enjoying each other's company before talking about the past, the relationship, where the two of you are going. 4. She had changed her behavior. She was very careful not to saying anything that I thought was mean and she was friendly. 5. She was not defensive nor argumentative. 6. NC gave me (and her) time to think and for a lot of very emotional issues to subside. 7. I found out that my idea about emailing her about the membership (even though I thought it was a way to finalize everything with the "bitch") and getting her out of my life for good, was really (I was shocked to discover) an attempt by me at contact (I guess with the idea of talking to her or getting back together). Glad I didn't send that email, it would have been over. 8. Be understanding. Bury your anger. Be emotionally soft or available. Be nice. Change your past bad behavior. Listen. Talk. Be empathetic. 9. Continue NC. Let them become less emotional. Let them come to you. Good luck to everyone!
gfto Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 By my math, it appears that this magical reunion with your ex began about a week ago. Let us know how it's going two months from now.
miss snoopy Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 By my math, it appears that this magical reunion with your ex began about a week ago. Let us know how it's going two months from now. Indeed, I could have written that. I got back with my ex and if I had found this forum then, I would have written a post like that. But he walked out just over a week later. Now I realise the reason he walked out so quickly was because the relationship had baggage. One cannot walk on eggshells all the time, the cause of the initial problems will have to be brought up at some point, and why should someone have to "play nice" just to keep a partner who left them anyway? I hope it works but I deeply regret taking my ex boyfriend back. I dumped him and initiated NC which I broke after a week after getting a chain email from him. Perfect opportunity to ignore as it was addressed to so many people.... but I rang him, and a so-called friendship started which ended up in us briefly getting back together, and here I am in this section trying to make sense of it all...
ab30 Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 As much as I've found this board a massive help over the last few months, there is a limit to how much comparrison you can take on board to your own situation. The same rules don't always apply to each relationship and just because some couple reunite and then split again, doesn't automatically mean this is the case all the time. It is, of course, good to read other experiences and perhaps learn from their mistakes but at the end of the day, only you can determine what is right for you. We all try to help eachother here but we can only give an outsiders point of view. The only people who can fully understand your situation and relationship is you and your ex - even your closest friends and family can only go so far. Each person has different boundaries and limits. No 2 people are the same. I believe that it's entirely possible for 2 people to reconcile after a break up and for the relationship to work - sadly, it's not always the case, but it can and does happen. The reason I write this is because I don't want to the OP to be scared by the last 2 messages. Although I'm sure what they are trying to say is that you should be careful and to take your reunion slowly as they've learnt this isn't always going to end where you think. I hope it does though and wish you well.
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 As much as I've found this board a massive help over the last few months, there is a limit to how much comparrison you can take on board to your own situation. The same rules don't always apply to each relationship and just because some couple reunite and then split again, doesn't automatically mean this is the case all the time. It is, of course, good to read other experiences and perhaps learn from their mistakes but at the end of the day, only you can determine what is right for you. We all try to help each other here but we can only give an outsiders point of view. The only people who can fully understand your situation and relationship is you and your ex - even your closest friends and family can only go so far. Each person has different boundaries and limits. No 2 people are the same. I believe that it's entirely possible for 2 people to reconcile after a break up and for the relationship to work - sadly, it's not always the case, but it can and does happen. The reason I write this is because I don't want to the OP to be scared by the last 2 messages. Although I'm sure what they are trying to say is that you should be careful and to take your reunion slowly as they've learnt this isn't always going to end where you think. I hope it does though and wish you well. I WOULD HOPE EVERYONE WOULD LOOK AT THINGS THE SAME WAY.. A FORUM LIKE THIS ONE IS JUST THAT...A PLACE TO SHIFT THRU THINGS IN YOUR HEAD AND REALIZE THAT WHAT U ARE GOING THRU IS NOT UNIQUE TO YOU, ITS UNIVERSAL...PEOPLE GET TOGETHER, BREAK UP, EVERY DAY AND GO THOSE THE SAME EMOTIONS...WE JUST THINK ITS ONLY US....NEVER IS
Ssheena Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Agreed. It's very easy to be cynical and say, uh, huh, well, let's see where you are in two months and I have to admit that was my first thought BUT I/we do not know. The OP(original poster) here is happy. Things are going well. I wish "guest" the best and hope it works out. If it doesn't, he is welcome back here. It's obvious that I'm not the only one who has taken people back and had it be great for awhile and then have it end again. It happens and sometimes, sometimes, things work out as well.
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Thanks for the responses. I don't know that we'll stay together or not and that was not the intent of my post. My point was that I wanted to try to help people that were "dumped" see how my ex's behavior made a difference in what happened and how it might make a difference in their approach with their ex. If my ex had been angry and argumentative, that would have been it. I couldn't have taken anymore attitude from her. If you have contact with your ex, be friendly, don't argue, don't bring up negatives, enjoy each others company, be understanding, listen and go from there. Just trying to give some people some insight from the "dumpers" viewpoint. Good luck to everyone!
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