SadBabyGirl Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 There is a problem I have and I think it is what has/have driven my guys and/or friends away. Its being too defensive. I dont know how to change, I've been this way since I was a child. For instance, when my mom was in a bad mood, I took it as she was mad at ME and I got defensive, told her she was mad at me and then she really did get mad at me just Because I kept pushing that on her. When boyfriends tell me something little " do you think you can do the dishes, I found them dirty several times this week" in a calm way, or you know just things like Can you not play your music too loud, or can you do this or that.. that I get so pissy, defensive, I bark at them 'anything ELSE"? I dont know why I do it... I know its a surefire turn off. Then I get depressed later and feel sorry for myself. Arrgh!
Mythical Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 There is a problem I have and I think it is what has/have driven my guys and/or friends away. Its being too defensive. I dont know how to change, I've been this way since I was a child. For instance, when my mom was in a bad mood, I took it as she was mad at ME and I got defensive, told her she was mad at me and then she really did get mad at me just Because I kept pushing that on her. When boyfriends tell me something little " do you think you can do the dishes, I found them dirty several times this week" in a calm way, or you know just things like Can you not play your music too loud, or can you do this or that.. that I get so pissy, defensive, I bark at them 'anything ELSE"? I dont know why I do it... I know its a surefire turn off. Then I get depressed later and feel sorry for myself. Arrgh! I don't really know how you can chnage, but I do understand. I think really the only thing you can do is slowly learn that ppl don't mean anything by these little comments and even if they did you just can't let it bug you. Try your best to know that they are either helping, giving you thier opinion or simply asking for help. Watch next time you are in this situation brush it off and take it as a good thing, than you can be proud of trying and you won't feel depressed and sorry foryourself. Sorry I couldn't really give you any help but I totally understand and wanted to try and give some advice. Good luck!
Walk Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Wow, I've been there. I get really defensive. Takes a lot of effort and a long time to curb that immediate reaction, but it is possible. It's also a lot more effective if you can get your SO, or family to help bring it to your attention when it occurs. I asked my bf to tell me when he felt I was getting defensive. The trick though, is to have a plan in place for how to deffuse your defensiveness once someone remarks that you're being that way. I had to write a paper for a communication class on defensive behaviors. That really helped me. Maybe you could give yourself some homeowrk to do. Write a 5 page paper on defensive communication in relationships and ideas on how to diffuse is. Not only would it really help you in your relationships, but in your career too. You'll be better prepared for how to deal with other people who react the same way, and instead of hitting road blocks you'll get results where others fail. From the book Interplay (textbook): Defensiveness suggests protecting yourself from attack. Seldom when you become defensive is a physical threat involved. If you're not threatened by bodily injury, what are you guarding against? To answer this question, we need to talk amore about notions of presenting self and face. The presneting self consists of the physical traits, personality characteristics, attitudes, and all the other parts of the image we want to present to the world. We try to project different selves to different people. When others are willing to accept and acknowledge important parts of our presenting image, there's no need to feel defensive. On the other hand, when others confront us with "face threatening acts" - messages that seem to challenge the image we want to project - we are likely to resist what they say. Defensiveness, then is the process of protecting our presenting self, our face. There's more, but it just goes on to talk about the people who are critizing and how to adjust language so the other person won't feel defensive. But the point is, you feel attacked when people say things to you that conflict with how you wish to be seen. The trick is to acknowledge when this defensive trait takes over, and to re-evaluate the situation from a neutral stance. That's hard though. And takes a lot of self-awareness on your part. That's why I suggest you use your SO and family to help you become aware of when you get this way. It's ingrained and you probably don't notice it until much later, when communication has seriously broken down. What I do.. when I realize I'm defensive. I first take several deep breaths and concentrate on relaxing my body. We get primed for the fight or flight response, and you have to break out of that. Then depending on the question or comment, I'll ask a question back. ie: how often do you think I should do the dishes? (said in a calm, questioning voice, not sarcastic) Or I'll flat out ask for a time out, tell the person I'm sorry but I'm defensive, give me a moment to get myself under control and then we can discuss this calmly. Then when I calm down I bring the issue back up. (don't ever just drop it and hope it goes away.. really bad idea) There's a lot of good research on the topic on the web. Just google "defensive communication". Or relationship+defensive. Tons of ideas, and ways to diffuse it from both sides of the spectrum. Good luck with this.. and it's really neat to see someone who's willing to work on themselves to have a better future. Don't give up on this. It's hard to break out of, and you'll probably fall several times, but it does get easier to control with practice.
Walk Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Hey.. if you want I'll dig out the paper and see if it's got anything you could potentially use. It did have some good stuff in there. Let me know if you'd be interested.
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 actually what i have discovered is this...first u realize that u are acting defensive - that's the first step - being aware of your actions. second, ACTUALLY LISTEN to what is being said and you will see its NOT ABOUT YOU its about the dishes [don't take little things as an attack on you]. next, make sure your partner realizes you have this tendency and helps you overcome your dumbass - and then show her/him you appreciate working together. and every time you catch yourself before doing something like that - make sure you reward each other with HOT LOVING! LOL
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