Guest Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 So they keep the door open a crack leaving you hanging on to there little "game" they are playing with your emotions don't they ever think that perhaps you are not as weak as they think and will shut the door for them?
Jane Doe Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Well, they're going on past experiences. When you break NC, when you forgive lies, broken promises, etc. it makes you appear weak and needy. They know at that point they have you and then the treatment becomes worse. By virtue of you even being an OW or OM they know you're willing to settle for less -- and less is exactly what you receive.
Guest Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 So why don't they end it rather than send you mixed signals and string you along?
Jane Doe Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Because it's an ego boost for them. They already have a relationship with someone else so they have the security, the normalcy, the place to go on holidays, etc. Having something on the side is like the icing on the cake for them. A lot of them love the power and control they exert over someone else, too. They get off on it.
herenow Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I'm assuming that he is married. Why would you want the door open in the first place? You should not only close the door, you should lock it. The door is open on both sides and you are playing the game as well if you don't close it.
Guest Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Because I have been in this relationship with MM now for 4 years and i have suddenly found myself in this"game" he has started to play with his mixed signals. He doesn't want to see me, but he calls. He wants to know what I am up too etc...But doesn't want to see me. I flirt and I feel like I am talking to a corpse. I tell him I am done and he calls 2 days later. i just don't get it....
Jane Doe Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 The question here isn't why he's doing this. The question is why you're allowing it to happen and why you don't feel as though you deserve more.
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Because for me to be able to get past it, I am trying to understand it. If that makes any sense......
Freedom Now Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Perhaps I can interject. He is keeping the door open because he WANTS you there. He is comfortable with you in his life, even if it is not at the level you want. You fulfill a need. Somehow, someway, you do. It is up to you to decide whether or not you are willing to accept the scraps he is offering you. I said a resounding NO. I am worth far more than that. I always was. I believe that credibility is lost when NC is started and stopped multiple times. When the door is closed by YOU with finality, and when he finally accepts that you are SERIOUS, the games will stop. Either he will come to you or he won't. But the games will end. ONLY because YOU end them. He won't. Why would he?
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Freedom that does make sense to me, I am still here for some reason, but it will take me to end the games.
Freedom Now Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 YOU need to end it. Not only is it the right thing for you, but it will give you the power that you have lost in this hopeless relationship. Because let's face it: HE has had all the power. He calls when HE wants, sees you when HE wants. He holds all the cards. By YOU stopping things, you have taken back your power. And that is a huge step in getting back your self respect and dignity. He no longer has the control. YOU do. YOU stopped him. YOU called the shots at the end. YOU are drawing the line. But, you must stand firm. You cannot fold under the pain or longing. You must stand firm in your belief that this is the BEST thing for you. For if you waver...if you respond to a call, answer a text, send an e-mail, your credibility is lost. Only when he believes that he is truly losing you forever will he come find you if he loves you. And if he doesn't, you still held the power at the end. You still made a step towards healing knowing that you ending things on YOUR terms. And that is never a bad thing.
BenThereDunThat Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 YOU need to end it. Not only is it the right thing for you, but it will give you the power that you have lost in this hopeless relationship. Because let's face it: HE has had all the power. He calls when HE wants, sees you when HE wants. He holds all the cards. By YOU stopping things, you have taken back your power. And that is a huge step in getting back your self respect and dignity. He no longer has the control. YOU do. YOU stopped him. YOU called the shots at the end. YOU are drawing the line. But, you must stand firm. You cannot fold under the pain or longing. You must stand firm in your belief that this is the BEST thing for you. For if you waver...if you respond to a call, answer a text, send an e-mail, your credibility is lost. Only when he believes that he is truly losing you forever will he come find you if he loves you. And if he doesn't, you still held the power at the end. You still made a step towards healing. And that is never a bad thing. Beautifully stated. Guest, I hope you take these words to heart. Memorize them. Print them out and stick them on your bathroom mirror if you have to.
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