ralph124c Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Hi, I'm the one who started the 'so many reasons to end it, but I can't' thread on the Second Chances forum. This is another long one.... sorry. After encouragement from friends and on this site, I took the step. I e-mailed her yesterday. I explained that by bringing this other guy into the picture and even saying she doesn't know how long she can wait before going to him, it put me in a position of having to make decisions based on negative things, like jealousy, not wanting to feel the pain any more etc. A decision to be with someone should be based on positive things, right? Demonstrations of love, understanding, respect, patience etc. none of which I was getting. I also told her that her INTENTIONS when she drove 2 hours to see that guy were really significant even if she did stop herself out of love for me, especially when we were supposed to be 'seeing how things go,' if we could start the relationship again and slowly give room for it to grow. I took a lot of time and care, tried not to accuse or blame, and told her that even though I still think about her all the time and feel this core of love for her, it's irrelevant because of all the disrespect, bad behaviour, and misery I get. I said that I've tried so hard to find a way through all her contradictions and conflicting excuses, to reconcile her actions with her words, to find a way to feel comfortable that giving it another try would be right and healthy, but I can't. I ended it by saying that we shouldn't have contact anymore, and that probably the most loving thing we can do now is to let go and stop giving each other pain. She responded half an hour later with one word: 'OK'. Then she texted later to clarify if it was forever, and I said I can't say anything about 'forever' but that it's hard to imagine a way. The problem is, every time I think about her I get that sinking, unpleasant butterfly feeling in my stomach and know she is probably going to be with that guy soon. I don't know how to cope with the jealously, and with the longing to be with someone I know I can't be with, who treated me so badly so many times, and created so much distance. The thought that I could be on the phone in a second to reconcile and she'd be here in five minutes is almost too much to bear.... but so is the thought of her actually being here and trying to have a relationship with her again. Also, we live in a VERY small town, and it will be almost impossible to avoid seeing each other. There is very little possibility of meeting anyone else here (it's a student town with mostly young undergraduates. I'm 39 and have now learned my lesson about much younger women!) and I won't be in the position to move until Spring or Summer, probably. Whenever I go out with friends, there's the possibility I'll see her. If I go to the shops, library, movie, whatever.... My friends and familiy are so sick of hearing me talk about it, and seeing me stressed and upset; and I'm actually sick of myself about it. I made this step, but now I feel like I'm cut adrift on a life raft. And she's sea water, which could quench my thirst for a moment but will ultimately make me sick! The worst thing is that when i broke up with her in May, I spent the whole summer dealing with it....and now I've allowed it to happen all over again. I was doing well and feeling positive when she came back, and I guess that's what made me vulnerable.... Anyway, any advice or input would be great.... thanks.
Ssheena Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I know it's hard but you did the right thing for you and ultimately we are responsible for ourselves. It will get easier and if she really does run to that guy right away, that will show you about her character. You gave her plenty of chances and opportunities and you deserve better than that. Good luck and welcome to the roller coaster, it may go down a hill right now but if you look ahead you will see a up hill in the distance.
Author ralph124c Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 Thanks, Ssheena. I just got an e-mail from her, asking if I will still do her favors of reading her work before she submits it (English is not her first language). She said it would just be through e-mail, and she won't bother me with anything else. Great deal for me, huh? Jeez. The way her mind works is totally beyond me.... She must not think before she speaks or writes -- everything is just instinct, whatever is going to benefit HER. Even so, I'm finding it hard to say 'no', though I will....
ideal Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 WOW.. although the age difference is smaller. she 19 me 23. I am going though something very similar with my now Ex of 2 days. She has the same flawed and conflicting logic and i have worn myself so thin being with her. i have given her chance after chance to change. I heard that same line about going to therapy, along with the same Complete sweetness to complete selfish b*tch in a moments time. and now that i finally ended it i can't help but feel a longing to hold her again. all i would have to do is call her and she would come but i would be regretting it the day after... Stay strong and don't let this girl back into your life at all. if she is anything like my ex, she will show you a side of her that is so innocent and sweet, that your knees will go weak and your trapped with her all over again. i know this really doesn't help you at all, but i just wanted you to know there is at least one other person out there that can feel your pain.
AriaIncognito Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 I know it provides little comfort, but you took yourself and put yourself first, and that's most important. It will suck for a while. I'm 2 weeks ahead of you in the healing process and well, each day is different. Some days I cry, some I don't. Some I feel absolute depression, and some I'm ok. Just come here and vent. Get out as much as possible with friends. No need to get out to "look" for someone else. Get over this one first. As much as I want to be with someone, I know i twouldn't be fair if I weren't yet over the last. I'd assume the same to hold true for most people. So anyway, you did a good thing. You're going to regret it at times, but try to keep in focus all that you told us and your reasons for putting yourself first. Someday, the reason all this happened will be clear, for all of us.
Author ralph124c Posted November 4, 2006 Author Posted November 4, 2006 ideal, it looks like we are in the same rotten club! You're absolutely right, and I hope you can follow the advice you gave me. Good luck! We haven't managed NC yet, but the contact I've had just makes me more clear that this is the right thing to do. She's still being so persistent about me doing these favors for her, and I told her to imagine what it would be like for me to have these constant reminders that it didn't work out, of the disappointment, and thinking she's probably with someone new. She replied that she probably won't be with anyone because she's so focussed on her studies! Then why did all this about the other guy come up in the first place?! Her reply to that: "it's my decision and has nothing to do with you"! When confronted with her own contradictions, she just lashes out and accuses me of 'giving her sh*t' all the time. All she cares about are her own wants and needs. Thanks, ariawoman, too. I think the reason these things happen are probably healthy ones in the end -- we're looking after ourselves for once, and not letting someone else's negativity rule our lives and emotions anymore. Funny how it seems better at night, but in the mornings I feel so awful because it's like remembering and re-living the whole thing all over again....
AriaIncognito Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Thanks, ariawoman, too. I think the reason these things happen are probably healthy ones in the end -- we're looking after ourselves for once, and not letting someone else's negativity rule our lives and emotions anymore. Funny how it seems better at night, but in the mornings I feel so awful because it's like remembering and re-living the whole thing all over again.... Interesting you should say that....night is worse for me. I can be OK all day, but at night is when i go insane. I think about it a lot more, and get more sad. Maybe because I'm a night person, so I'm most awake then (as evidenced by my posting at 151am)
Teacher's Pet Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 ....night is worse for me. I can be OK all day, but at night is when i go insane. I think about it a lot more, and get more sad. Maybe because I'm a night person You know me. I'm the same way. I was miserable on the way home tonight from the event......almost midnight on a Saturday...driving home alone from a lame "party"...wondering where SHE was...and who she was with..and what she was doing.... without me. -tp not there yet
Author ralph124c Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 I saw her yesterday outside a shop as I was crossing up the road. I Hesitated, then she looked away first and I kept going. Then she e-mailed, asked how I felt when I saw her and walked away, and I told her I felt lousy. She said she had seen me earlier, and was waiting outside the shop for her friend hoping to see me again. She couldn't understand why I don't just feel relieved to no longer be with her (good point, actually!), told me how she was thinking of me as she watched one of the most beautiful sunsets of her life the other day. Then she wrote this: > I'm glad that I was able and had the chance to really > love one person in my life. I don't know whether this > feeling will happen one day again, however, > I appreciate that I had the opportunity and found a > person who was there for me. I have to accept that this > person doesn't want me and I messed it up. And I also > have to understand that this person is not > replaceable. You are unique, I told you that before > You deserve to be happy and I hope you > will be soon. I wish it was with me though. > >Take care. What the hell am I supposed to do with all this?! I haven't replied. Don't know what to say. I can't believe it's all still so hard...I'm still thinking about her all the time. Whoever said 'love conquers all' was an idiot! There is definitely love here, but it seems so screwed up and unhealthy.... Any thoughts? Why can't I let go? Either can she, I guess. On some level it's ridiculous for two people who feel this way to not try to be together; but on another level there is so much negative baggage, and so little indication it could work out.... (I also posted about this in 'Second Chances' so apologies to those who read both threads)
Ssheena Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I didn't feel relieved when I broke up with my bf one time. I was miserable. If I saw him I wouldn't have felt relief either. I would have felt sad. It's probably best if you don't reply or if you really want to write it but don't send it - wait a few days, reread it and then see if you want to send it. Jeez, I think about my x all the f*ing time. I miss him. I try and figure out how he can switch my breaking up with him around to him breaking up with me and how he can seemingly be so nonchalant about it. It's not easy at all. That's why I'm on here all the time. Soo.. what have you told a few people? Go back and read the best way to get over someone or how to cope thread and that's where I'm going and rereading and rereading and then I'm going to read about Reese and Ryan's breakup and lose myself in trash. It's all baby steps, what is that Buddist saying.. the journey of a 1000 miles starts with one step or something along those lines. Who knows, you may want to get back with her again and the same thing may happen again and you might find yourself in the same situation or maybe you two could go to couples therapy together and work on learning how to communicate and be a better partner or maybe she is just to immature ... you will have to figure it all out yourself. I know it hurts and I don't know what I would do if my x came back to me and said, hey, I've been in therapy, I've learned a lot, I want to give it another go. I know I still love him. I know I want him to be happy. I know I want him to grow up and stop trying to be everybody else and learn who "he" is and that that's ok. There are pluses and minuses to everything - everything, everything, everything. Being single, being a couple, having kids, not having kids, living in Canada, living in the UK, breaking up, getting back together. Take awhile to figure out how to respond or what you want to do about it. It will either work out...(now) or it will work out later (your life)...either way you win. Hope this helps or at least makes you feel like there are others around who know how you feel.
Author ralph124c Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 Well, I did reply, and told her how sad her e-mail made me feel, that she couldn't realize all those things and act on them earlier; and that it's so hard for me to reconcile words like that with other things she's said and done. Maybe not the best thing to have done.... Particularly because she has not replied which is very unusual for her, and I'm thinking she might have gone out of town to that guy. I don't know how to cope with that, even though it was my decision in the end to not take her crap any more and finish it (I think she made the decision to end things, though, by actions she knew would drive me away). I still feel so jealous and betrayed by her, even though I know it's irrational. It literally makes me feel sick. It's just so hard to keep perspective and feel like ANYTHING is normal.... I think she's just too immature, and I can't imagine how I could give her a second chance (or more like 11th chance!) as much as I'd like to on some level. I'm trying to be clear about that, but I keep getting overwhelmed by thinking that it's still a POSSIBILITY and that it's my choice. Everyone I know (including my therapist) would advise me against it, and at this point would think I was completely stupid and insane. On a rational level they'd be right; but my heart is still stuck in this spiral of unhealthy love, jealousy, nostalgia, longing, resentment, loneliness, etc.
ideal Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 Hey Ralph, All the feelings your going though reflect mine to a great degree, i have also had the regrettable experience of communicating with her though E-mail but today is the last day i will allow myself to do that! I dropped off her stuff the other day and last night i am pretty sure she went to a concert with the guy that she was flirting with and going to meet behind my back. You have to remember and force yourself to see that everyone around you is right, this girl will do nothing for you in the long run. she is just a bad habit you have to break. Also i bet if you really think about it. your not really missing this girl (because half the time she treated you like crap), your just missing having someone. just remember you will have someone again, and the next person you will let into your life will be someone that is deserving of you. whenever you start wondering what she is doing, block it out with what you want to do with your life. don't let her decisions have any effect on your life anymore. go join a jim, get in shape, find a hobby, just do something to improve yourself and do it for yourself. you will be surprised how much better you will feel when you start changing you life to better. as a good little exercise that really helped me out last night. sit down and wright out everything you want in a woman. then look how your ex compares, I'm sure she wont live up to half of the things you wrote. and you deserve better then that. i just hope i can follow my own advise, so far i haven't done so well but i haven't done to bad ether. but i know if i stick to this i will be looking back on the time i was with her and slamming my head into a wall wondering why i cared so much for someone who only gave a scrap of happiness and a plate full of pain. good luck and stay strong
LakesideDream Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 Thanks, Ssheena. I just got an e-mail from her, asking if I will still do her favors of reading her work before she submits it (English is not her first language). She said it would just be through e-mail, and she won't bother me with anything else. Great deal for me, huh? Jeez. The way her mind works is totally beyond me.... She must not think before she speaks or writes -- everything is just instinct, whatever is going to benefit HER. Even so, I'm finding it hard to say 'no', though I will.... And when she asks you to go grocery shopping with her, or change the oil in her car... maybe help her with the sticky garbage disposal, what are you going to say then? As long as she is something, or has something you want you are vulnerable to manipulation. Broken up, is broken up. You don't need to be flexible unless you just want to be a doormat that she can shake out whenever it's soiled.
Author ralph124c Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 Thanks, Ideal. You know, I hope you really take all this on board and don't get into a similar situation in your late 30's! You're a smart guy, so I'm sure you won't. Wish I had your insight when i was 23. Pretty much everything you said is true -- like just missing having someone. But also this whole jealousy thing. I find it so hard to cope with, no matter how much I rationalize and remind myself that I don't really want to share my life her etc. I guess it will pass with NC, and eventually meeting someone else (though slim chance of that where I am at moment!). I'm hoping to spend a lot of time away over the next few months, so I'm sure that will help. Right now it doesn't feel like it, though. So hard to have perspective when you're going through all the emotions. "a scrap of happiness and a plate full of pain" -- yep! Half the world is made up of the opposite sex -- why do we end up fixating on just one, especially such unhealthy ones! Sounds like you're doing well. 19 is really way too young for anything serious, except maybe for a rare, really exceptional girl.
Author ralph124c Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 So, there's been NC contact from her for a few days, the last was that e-mail which she ended 'take care'. This is what I want and need to get over it, I know this. And I know the NC hasn't been long at all. And after all, I;m the one who ended it and said there should be NC. But I'm taking the silence and the finality of the 'take care' as indicating she's probably now 'freed herself' to move on, meaning she's probably with that guy. I KNOW that's not really my business and on some level should be glad that it's another step towards really realizing and feeling that it's over.... but at the same time I find myself thinking about it all the time, imagining her with this guy, laughing, having fun, sex, "she's probably in bed with him right now" etc. and it makes me feel sick. How do I stop doing that? How can I stop feeling so jealous about someone I don't even want to be with (except for about 20% of her!)? I know it's mostly my imagination, because I don't even know for sure if she's with him, and know I shouldn't care. Meanwhile, I'm living alone, feeling totally isolated and like the lonliest, saddest, most pathetic b*stard in the world. The jealousy stuff makes it all so much worse. I think I mentioned before there's almost no chance of meeting someone in this small town. Even if there was, probably not a good time for me to be able to go into it in a healthy, sane way....
Author ralph124c Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 She just called, let it ring twice and hung up. Was it a mistake? Did she change her mind? What's going on? It made my heart jump, gave me this flash of irrational, foolish hope, then left me feeling scared and shaken again.... No way am I going to call her back, but don't know if I can keep from talking to her if she calls again.
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Ralph - You're going to have to go no contact with her! Not be friends, not help her out at all. I know this hurts but it's obvious you can't handle being 'just' friends with her (atleast for now) because already you're mind is full of thoughts and feelings that really don't serve you much purpose, except bring on pain. Hang in there, keep busy and know you've done the right thing. You deserve someone who will focus on YOU only and not want someone else too.
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