DSC1974 Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Hi! I really need some advice, Oh! and I said ADVICE, not lecture,trust me I don't need one, I'm well aware this whole thing is very wrong as a matter of fact if any of my girlfriends were in my situation i would urge her to put her brains back on and hit the road, it's a whole different equation once you find yourself dating a mm, and in my case it was not planned at all, I'm not a marriage wrecker, my ex live -in boyfriend of 2 years, former love of my life ,left me for his coworker, I know how much it hurts and would never want anyone to go through what I went trough, and yet here I am being the ow ..isn't life interesting? I met him 3 1/2months ago, did not get physical until a month later,he's your typical gorgeous Latin man that has no problem getting any woman, I did not think much of our little fling and was basically satisfied using him only for sexual purposes as I was not ready to fall in love again after suffering soooo much from my last break up.He was very into me from day one and yet acted a little shady, showed up late and then apologized profusely, get very passionate and then take off at 2a.m, I figured he was a player and decided he was not worth my time.After I told him I wanted to move on he fought his way back to me then dropped the bomb:his being shady had nothing to do with his feelings for me he just happens to be married!!Of course I got the typical story:his marriage has been in a dead end for long, he's just procrastinating about leaving her yet knows he has to end this masquerade yadiyada. I kept on seeing him for a few days and gave him the boot again.In a matter of days he was seen by one of my friends with another girl.I wrote him a very to- the- point -e-mail , told him i hoped his 15 year old daughter never falls in love with a guy like him and did not expect to hear from him again.I was wrong, he , once again managed to get back to me(yes the sex is THAT great)and said he picked up a girl because he was upset I did not want to see him anymore and we had never discussed being exclusive anyway...I've heard better excuses but I did break up with him a few days before.Suddenly his behaviour changed for the better, he claims he's fallen in love with me, loves the fact that i challenge him to grow up and feels we have a chance to work out .He says he's found everything he was looking for in me and just never had the whole package before.He made his decision to leave the w and told her so.Of course she is not letting go of him,I know for a fact he is not lying about what is going on with her, he takes her phone calls in front of me and spends several nights at my house.Here's the trick:he is 2 months away from his final appointment with immigration (he's South American) which will grant him permanent residency. She agreed that he should move out, she's aware that he is having yet another affair but that this one is serious but committed to go to the interview with him anyway,then the next day she threatens to let him down if he ever walks through the door and to have him deported,and it goes back and forth every day.Basically she's got him by the balls, her parents are financially involved in the sponsoring process, he feels trapped.2 weeks ago he almost gave up everything to come and stay with me and chickened out at the last minute(!!).We have discussed the reasons both his marriages failed(yep! he messed up 2), and clearly he takes full responsibility for it (immaturity, not ready for a true commitment,was only 18 the first time,then was rushed into marriage so he could stay with her in the U.S the second time). She seems controlling and manipulative then again I understand her fighting to save her marriage.For some strange reason I believe him when he says he's ready not to repeat the same mistake.He is determined to move on but has a lot to lose therefore must act cautiously ,I convinced him not to move in with me right away and take some time for himself, he says he wants to do things right this time and does not want to fail again, I know he loves me and tells me the truth, but his situation is affecting me.I decided 3 days ago to take a break and told him I want to give him space and time to deal with his separation in a dignified manner,besides I can't participate in the lies anymore, I also said I'm willing to wait a couple of months and give us a chance.I urged him not to jeopardize his immigration status, he's 2 months away from his residency , he gave up everything back home to follow her, has a much lower status over here , this is not a case of getting married for the green card, he would not be here if it was not for her, their marriage did not work out, he did try to work on it but just does not love her anymore, he does want to stay here though.I explained that i want him to put his s#$% together before he starts anything with me.I am doing the right thing right? So why do I feel so awful?I can't stop thinking about him, I am terrified that he won't come back to me in 2 months, He texted me today, says he misses me and needs me by his side, I told him I would wait a bit just not for ever, but am I even waiting for something worth it. Is "once a cheat always a cheat" always true?Heeeeeeeeelp!!
frannie Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Hmmm well, I'm not sure I'm going to give you any advice. You already know he's immature, prone to lying (to you, even, to get you to sleep with him). He sounds like an opportunist with a smooth tongue. I wouldn't believe a word he said. And of course you're terrified you won't hear from him: last time you made it hard for him he picked up someone else. Your gut is quite rightly telling you that he's a man who will always be taking the easy ride.
BUTAFLY Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 You will become just like wife #2. This man needs to be alone for a while before he gets into an other relationship for your sake and his.
DSC1974 Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Your point is very valid and I am not overlooking the fact that he lied about his status for a whole month.He is immature and goes for the easy fix every time life throws a curve at him, but am I being foolish for believing that sometimes people really do change? They get tired of the games and the lies and their load of guilt and complication and for some reason,I believe he is honnest when he says he's realized what his problem is in relationships and that he is now ready to make a change to have a chance to grow with somebody.I can see why he and I are more compatible than he is with her, we have similar backgrounds and lifestyles, we love the same things, his w is a lawyer obsessed with her career, very conservative . My dilemma is the following:if he really means what he says, things could be good between us,of course that's once he moves out, makes the separation official .I told him he needs to live on his own for a while and everytime he brings up marriage I tell him is not being realistic, being a romantic is not always cute, he shouldn't be talking about getting married when he is not even separated and that I probably would never marry someone who's failed twice, but I would still give a try to a relationship.People do grow up sometimes...I did thanks to my ex, I was immature , needy and manipulative and I was a bit of a player too, i never actually cheated on anyone (actually I did once but left the bf right after it happened to be with the other guy who ended up dumping me for a man!!) but I always had my way with men until I fell in love with someone who did not put up with my s$%^& and challenged me to be accountablefor my acts. I learned respect and integrity with him...and he went and cheated on me with a coworker...But I did change and all the thoughts that my mm is having, i had, i relate to him, someone initiated a permanent change in me what if I can do the same for him?I do worry about him screwing me over although he says he does not want to fail this time and would do anything to make it work...So should I wait a couple of months see if he does move out or should i hit the road?
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 for you...if the person wasn't honest at the start and is putting someone else before you, they always will...i learnt that lesson the hard way....now i don't hang around waiting...that's a fool's game...they made the decision...and that's really all there is to it my 2 cents
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