Mrs. Emo Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Hello everyone! I'm interested to hear your opinions on this... Let me give you a little back round on my husband first, he has a big ego that needs constant stroking and is very flirtatious. He works at a supermarket, so of course there are a lot of young women that work with him. He has always tried to downplay his interactions and conversations with them, but if finally being more honest about it. I do not know any of them personally, just their names and little tidbits about them. I recently put a photo in his wallet of me and the boys and asked him to show it off. I did this because after a discussion we had, (which will probably be my next thread) I told him I felt that no one at work seems to know I exist. They do know he is married, but he refers to me as "the wife". To be honest, this was my way to let the ladies know he does have an attractive wife. The first day I asked if he had shown the pic to anyone and he said he did not have the opportunity...he wasn't going to just go up to everyone and say "see my family". A couple of days later, I asked about it again and he became upset. He said this was "bull****", and I wouldn't be happy until I changed him and he did not like to share his personal life with people at work. I said showing a picture is hardly sharing personal details and I know he has talked about our son to one of the girls. I told him it would just make me feel good to know he likes to show me off. A couple of days later, he said he showed the pic to Becca. I asked how the opportunity came up and he said he made a purchase at the service desk and since his wallet was open....thing is, he makes his purchases at the S.D. everyday and there is a different lady friend working at the desk everyday, so why the first lame excuse? So, what is up with not wanting to show the picture to his female co-workers? What about those excuses? I'd really like to hear what you folks think about this, especially the married men out there.
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 To be honest, I think you are having some insecurites and him working with primarily women is why you're upset... DO you believe he is cheating on you? Or is he just enjoying his time at work, flirting abit and having some fun to make his day go by faster? They ALL know he's married, and I don't know too many married men who just flip open their wallet and show off a photo their wife/kids - UNLESS asked.
Touche Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Does he have an office? Maybe he can just display pics of you and the family in his office. I think you're being silly and showing a lot of insecurity in telling him to show those pictures in his wallet. Why do you care what they think about how you look? And if it's that important to you, why not just go to the store where he works sometimes? But really, stop trying to find something to fight about. That's not a good idea if you want to have a great marriage.
magichands Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Does he have an office? Maybe he can just display pics of you and the family in his office. Great idea! Everyone has a large framed picture of their family on their desk. Well, almost everyone.
JamesM Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Ditto WWIU. There is something about guys that you may not know. We don't go around showing our family pictures off. How often do you show pics of children and husband? Alot more than I do. I have a picture of my wife and maybe a child or two, but the only time they get shown is if someone asks to see them. That is rare. This does not mean I don't love my wife or children. It just means that I don't think that this is any benefit to anyone but me. Do I think my wife is beautiful? Yes. Have I "flirted" before? Yes...depending on what flirting is defined as. Would this woman have responded less if she knew what my wife looked like? No. Why would he be so eager to now show pictures of his wife and family when he has been there so long? Have you ever visited him at work? Can you? This may quicker put your concerns to rest. Personally, whenever I have had a new secretary, I introduce them to my wife. Usually this "backfire," they not only become HER friend, they also become HER watchdog. I remember one girl I worked with who purposefully introduced herself to my wife. She said later that it was to show my wife that she was "safe." That is not because I flirted with her. But then when I talk about the people I work with, she not only knows who they are, she knows their personality. I have always thought that when my wife has met these women, they have a harder time of seeing me as anything but married and a father. If everyone there knows he is married, then only the women who don't care that he is married are going to chase him. If he wears a wedding ring, then these women will have made the choice. He is responsible for his actions with these women, and I don't think that they or him will decide not to act upon any flirtations based on seeing your picture.
a4a Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 why the need to have him show the picture? Then once you figure that out why not communicate with him about the real issue.
quankanne Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 … and THEN go visit his workplace every so often and just love-love-love on him
Pink_Tulip Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 ...he has a big ego that needs constant stroking and is very flirtatious... He has always tried to downplay his interactions and conversations with them, but if finally being more honest about it. This right here sounds fishy, and I imagine the root of your insecurity. Do you mind sharing what, exactly, he is being more honest about? It might help us to understand the situation better. How far has he gone?
Author Mrs. Emo Posted November 4, 2006 Author Posted November 4, 2006 Thanks everyone for all the input. I realize it seems silly and insecure of me to want him to show off my picture. I just really feel like he doesn't want me to be part of that world. I do not have a problem with his flirtatious nature...he has always been that way and I know it is harmless, but I can't help but feel he tries to make me seem non-existent at work. I showed up once at his store and he did not seem happy at all about it. On his day off, he use to drive to his store which is 45 minutes away to pick up his check and hang out there for a while. He would never invite me to go along with him. One day I said I was coming along and he was aggravated the whole ride up there and wouldn't talk to me. Once we got there, he grabbed his check and immediately wanted to leave, cutting my conversation short with the girl at the service desk. Other little things that make me feel like this is, if he mentions me, I am "the wife", not D..one of the girls there suggested they go out for a beer some time and his reply was he always gets out of work too late..no mention of me. I also know they talk about sex to him. One of the girls said to him, "I use to want to **** you, but that was because I couldn't have. I don't want to anymore...you missed your chance." I just wanted to feel like he wanted to show me off. The fact that he got angry about it and gave a BS reply of not liking to share his personal life at work didn't help much
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 How is the rest of your marriage minus this one situation about his work? Does he treat you well at home? Do you two have a good sex life?
Pink_Tulip Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Hey Mrs. Emo, thanks for the additional info. Personal story: H and I had a really hard time several years ago. Long story I am not going to repeat again here, but the straw that broke the camels back for me, as far as leaving my M was this. We were with a group of friends, and the guys were all talking about a couple actresses and arguing over which one was more attractive. They all look over to one of the guys who hasn't responded yet, and he says, 'those girls have nothing on (his wife).' I remember tears welling up in my eyes, thinking how neat it must be to be his wife and hear your H talk about you in front of friends like that. I was so jealous. So a few days later I remind my H of that conversation and tell him it would really make me feel special if he said things like that about me too. His response was, 'you know that's not my personality.' Ouch. I know how you feel. BTW, H and I spent a lot of time in counseling and are doing awesome now. I don't know what's going on with your H, but him not liking you to go to his work bothers me. Have you sat down and talked to him about this? I mean really talked, not being accusatory, just telling him your feelings? What has he said?
Author Mrs. Emo Posted November 4, 2006 Author Posted November 4, 2006 Exactly, PT...it's those little things that can mean so much. I have spoken to him. As a matter of fact, I mentioned a few things to him last night. I asked him what the girls talk to him about. He said school, boyfriends, nights out on the town...just general stuff. He said he had asked "K", the one who invited him out, if she had fun at the club she had mentioned she was going to the other night. What hurts me, and this is what I told him last night, is that, obviously, he is quite pleasant and charming at work for these girls to search him out and chat with him or invite him out, but yet I cannot get him to hold a five minute conversation with me. He can make a point to ask her if she had fun, but when he gets home from work, he never asks me how my day was. I told him sometimes I wish I were one of his co-workers rather than his wife. Here is an opportunity he had to be like that guy in your group...he asked "K" if she was dressing up for Halloween. She said she had bought a couple of costumes...lil bo peep, snow white...Now, he could have said, "my wife went as catwoman last year" instead, this is how the conversation went: Him: are you going to wear them to work? Her: nooo, they're too small Him: oh, so they're slutty costumes, eh...*chuckle* Her: no, not slutty, just sexy Him: oh, then you should definitely wear them to work! then, to top it off, i noticed in the pc history that he was checking out sexy costume sites, which i thought he was looking for one for me. Then when he told me about his conversation, i said "oh, that's why you were checking them out" as far as what he had to say about my feelings last night, same ol' same ol'...."I'm sorry", "I'll try harder"
Cheshire Cat Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Sorry, but this does not sound okay to me. I agree with WWIU about the fact that many guys (and women) would feel unconfortable showing off pics of their partner (or their kids, friends, pets, house, whatever) unless they had an excuse to do so. And I thought that the advice of showing up where he works and possibly get to know his female coworkers was excellent. The fact that he got upset when you showed up or went with him to get his check makes me wonder whether he has anything to hide. I don't think he is necessarily cheating. But he might have been flirting more than you think, or he could have told one of those girls something about you you might be nconfortable with. Or it might be just that he does not want you to take territorial pisses in his flirting playfield - if you will forgive the expression. I would certainly be unconfortable too.
Romeo Must Die Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 I dont think it's an issue you should worry about, men easily seperate work from family so they can focus on their job. If it is that important to you, why dont you get him a portable digital media device so he can show his co-workers the family photos, in a cool, kinda off handed way.
Author Mrs. Emo Posted November 4, 2006 Author Posted November 4, 2006 Or it might be just that he does not want you to take territorial pisses in his flirting playfield - if you will forgive the expression. BINGO! My insecurity has been mentioned here, but I think he may have insecurities of his own. I've noticed for some time now, that he seems to have a need to seek out female friendships. He will only befriend very attractive females, so you can be the nicest girl in the world, but if "you ain't pretty, he ain't bothering". I think the extra attention makes him feel more attractive and virile. He doesn't want me to get to know them or meet them because they are "his" friends, knowing only the sides of him that he chooses to show. He doesn't want this to happen....Usually this "backfire," they not only become HER friend, they also become HER watchdog.
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