Trust

[Guest]

My husband had an affair for 3 years and we seperated and then we divorced. I bought a car post divorce and it is titled soley in my name.

 

We have begun reconcilling since July and we are now living together. Yes this is all happening very fast. This is our fourth attempt at reconcilliation and everytime "we" failed, he went back to the OW.

 

He said when we reconcilled he would pay all the household expenses, including my auto insurance. Since then, he has asked me twice now to title my car in his name to save $$$ on the premium, but I feel he is asking too much, considering he was engaged to be married to the OW just before we reconcilled. He broke the engagement to be with me again.

 

I think it's too soon to trust him with my only valuable posession, much less anything else right now. It's only been three months. I think he should try to proove himself to me first.

 

Right now he is pouting like a child because I dont trust him. I'm not a sucker I am not giving into this that easily. You see here there are many (many) issues involved, he is a cheater and he has shown the OW more faith than he has me in as many years. I wouldnt want to risk losing my car for a few bucks saved in insurance.

 

My question is: Am I wrong not to trust him KNOWING there is a VERY good chance that he could **** me and I could lose my car for being THAT stupid?

[luvstarved]

I dunno you sound kinda like a sucker to me. This guy is not trustworthy and never will be. Open your eyes.

[Romeo Must Die]

No way. Listen to your gut instincts, they are screaming at you not to do this. If you give him title to your vehicle then he will own it free and clear, and then what would you do if you found out he is still cheating with this other woman? If you left, he could take your car from you, too.

 

[a4a]

what does he need the car in his name to drive back to the OW?

 

a few extra bucks could have been saved if he did not cause the divorce with the affair.... so he has to pay more now...... so what.

 

Do not mix your finances...... he is high risk.

[tinktronik]

Don't title your car in his name .In fact you should say to him exactly what yo have said here .It may seem harsh , but its the truth and he has caused , so why shouldnt he have to live up to what he's created.

[jmargel]

He's lucky to even being living with you. Do not put the title in his name, sounds like he's with you for fiancial reasons. During these attempts on working it out, have you gone to marriage counseling? Is he still in contact with this OW?

 

Exactly what are you getting out of all of this? It's time to start thinking about you. As long as you tolerate his immaturity and his disrespectfulness, he'll continue to push.

[amaysngrace]

Don't give up your car. That would be the dumbest thing you could do. Next thing you know, the OW is in the driver's seat of the car YOU bought.

 

It sounds like you want him around to pay your bills. Is having the bills paid by him worth the stress and drama he brings into your life?

 

You only have one life...you should be content with it or change it so you can find contentment. If I were you I wouldn't worry so much about this car issue as much as I'd have to question myself on why I'm willing to keep on with this man.

 

You got divorced and had an out, but still you insist on keeping the door a revolving one. I just don't see the sense of it all...

[Kinger25]

"We have begun reconcilling since July and we are now living together. Yes this is all happening very fast. This is our fourth attempt at reconcilliation and everytime "we" failed, he went back to the OW."

 

I'm sorry to sound so preconceived but WHY OH WHY are you even trying to attempt to reconcile with this idiot AGAIN????? He cheated on you for 3 years, bad enough, but everytime you dont manage to pull things together he sods off back to his OW. Then gets bored of her again and comes back to you, then gets bored of you and goes back to her, then gets bored of her and goes back to you (you see this pattern yes??). I actually got fired down in a previous thread for dis-agreeing that women should take their partners back after an affair. I think once a cheat always a cheat, I really do, but I do understand the logic behind trying to make a marriage work again, especially if children are involved. But this. This is ridiculaous. This man must think he's the cat that's got the cream. He's not going to change, no way. Are there children invloved in this ??

 

"Right now he is pouting like a child because I dont trust him. I'm not a sucker I am not giving into this that easily. You see here there are many (many) issues involved, he is a cheater and he has shown the OW more faith than he has me in as many years. I wouldnt want to risk losing my car for a few bucks saved in insurance."

 

You arebeing a sucker by taking him back all of the time. Under NO Circumstances should you put the car in his name aswell, like another poster said, next time you have a row or dont get on and he goes back to OW, he'll take the car and you'll be walking down the shops with OW whizzing past you in the drivers seat of YOUR CAR. DO NOT DO IT. The situation you have found yourself in is unfortunate and I feel for you, but you must at least find strength enough to protect what is yours. When someone cheats and you decide to give your relationship another go, it has to start from the beginning again. Like when you first met. What I mean is that the trust needs to be re-built and this can take YEARS. When you met, you trusted easily but once an affair has ocurred, the trust is gone. You need to re-build the foundations of your Relationship up again bit by bit and make sure that you live for YOURSELF aswell. I wouldn't expect my BF to have opened up a joint bank account or put me as a joint name on his mortgage or credit cards a week after we met. It takes trust and the assurance of a stable relationship to do this and at the moment you have neither of those things. SO WHAT if he's "pouting like a kid" for you not putting his name on the car. Whats he gonna do? go back to OW cause you've not played his game? He probably will by the sounds of what you have said. Why hasn't this jerk got his own car anyway?

[Guest]

luvstarved. I am not a sucker, he is a fool to think that I am one.

 

romeo. I wont do it, I just needed to know I wasnt wrong.

 

Ama. I am not in it for the money. There is no amount of money worth this pain. I wouldnt do this for a million dollars.

 

a4a. the closest she will get to my car if she is underneath the wheels.

 

Klinger. We have five children. My two year old was cradiling her doll telling her doll that her dad was very very bad. I thought reconcilling would help me heal from this pain. To find answers to many unanswered questions. To learn to live again. I feel like I am in limbo.

 

Jmargel. We never went to see a MC, not even one time. He tells me to get over it. He re-writes history. He says I go on and on about it even though I dont speak about it much at all. He doesnt help me. He doesnt tell me anything.

 

In the last month, I had only brought it up twice. I was told by his BF that she phoned him. I ask DH about it and he says, that was two years ago. Either way. I didnt know about it and I dont like it. Then I find out his other BF and OW now work at the same place of employment and that friend helped the affair in the past. DH would phone her from his house and she would meet him places. Now he says I just go on and on about it. He is trying to make me feel like I have gone mad. I have only brought it up twice.

 

Tink. I took your advice and told him how I feel about it. He said he just wanted to save money on the insurance but. It led to a heated discussion about the cheating. With me being angry and him sitting on the end of the phone like there was nobody there. I may as well have been talking to a brick wall. I brought up all the times she has come between us during the (false) reconcilliation. He did nothing. I felt I had no other choice to leave because he refused to do anything about it. Then he says....

 

"It wasnt cheating anymore because you left me."

 

and this gem

 

"Things would be GREAT if you would just get over this NOW."

 

Great for him maybe, not so great for me. Finally. Some truth. His affair drove us to divorce. They both have done and said some pretty rotten things to me. I think so he could go back to her 'legitamitely' saying "see it just wouldnt work out, she couldnt get over it".

 

I'm re-reading her letters saying how he plotted against me and how all his friends despise me (demonizing) yet I'm supposed to blindly hand over my car.

 

It will NEVER happen.

 

I dont know what to do, my kids and me have been through so much of this. They cant take anymore and neither can I... I am at the end of my rope. I can't take it anymore. Maybe you are right and marriages can never be saved after infidelity. Not with only one person seeking reconcilliation and the other one seeking a free ride down easy street. In my car.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

We have begun reconcilling since July and we are now living together. Yes this is all happening very fast. This is our fourth attempt at reconcilliation and everytime "we" failed, he went back to the OW.

...

 

My question is: Am I wrong not to trust him KNOWING there is a VERY good chance that he could **** me and I could lose my car for being THAT stupid?

 

WTF? Come on... get away from this guy. Don't ever try to reconcile with him or give him anything that is yours. geez.... Why do some women go so completley stupid around a guy? Guess the same reason some men go completely stupid around some women... but come on... I wouldn't trust the guy with a buck let alone title to a car.

[Romeo Must Die]

To me, that would still be cheating and I would consider it a betrayal against you and your kids. The affair never ended if he could pick-up as easily as he left off again. How many second chances does this jerk need? I agree with J, he is lucky he is even with you. He certianly doesn't act like it if he is telling you to get over it when you are hurting. I think that is arrogant and disresepectful. He is a user and a manipulator & I think you need to get over him, fast.

 

[Ladyjane14]

"Things would be GREAT if you would just get over this NOW."

 

Great for him maybe, not so great for me.

 

 

Your ex-husband doesn't seem to understand that you need some help in order to be able to move on. A betrayal like the one you've been dealt is kind of like somebody sticking a knife in your back. Even if you're limber enough to remove the blade, how're you going to staunch the wound by yourself?

 

You need help. You need HIS help.

 

When a formerly wayward spouse insists that his betrayed partner 'just get over it already', he's refusing to give the assistance needed in order to heal the relationship. His partner sees his refusal as a lack of care... at a time when what she most needs is proof of his care.

 

Don't accept less from this guy than what you NEED. If you set that precident now... you'll be living thin for a long, long time. Better to set your boundaries and stick with them. For example, if you feel like you need marriage counseling in order to repair the relationship... that's a boundary that you should be prepared to enforce.

 

It's not unusal for a FWS to feel like he's being punished by these new boundaries and conditions. In his mind, he can't visualize a day when he won't be 'living in the doghouse'. And while it's true that some cheaters are just a*holes who are bound to 'repeat offend' in perpetuity, most are just scared that they're NEVER going to find forgiveness and normalcy in the relationship ever again.

 

I think it may be necessary to separate these issues so that your FWS can feel comfortable with the idea that asking him to do relationship work is not designed to be a punishment. It's something that you NEED from him in order to honor his request to "move on". You need reassurance of his commitment, and you need it for as long as it takes until you're feeling secure again.

 

You were absolutely right to set a boundary on the car. Don't be afraid to set whatever other boundaries you find necessary. While it's true that he may indeed 'flake out' and leave again, it's better to have that particular little piece of info sooner rather than later.

 

You don't have to 'ride his ass'... but you do have to get what you need from him. And by telling him what's required, you're giving him an opportunity to EARN his way back to you. You're giving him a chance to PROVE that he's worthy of the trust he's asked for.

 

I think it's possible that a FWS would find his own healing in embracing the process of rebuilding. As he gains trust from his partner, he reassures himself also of his worthiness to receive it. You know, sometimes when you observe toddlers at play... it's the child who bites, rather than the one who was bitten, that often needs the most comforting.

 

While I'm inclined to agree with the others that this guy is a conflict avoider who will continue to evade problems by bouncing back and forth from woman to woman... I don't see what's to be lost by giving true reconciliation a good old-fashioned try. With five kids, you're already heavily invested.

 

Just keep your peepers open and keep your boundaries FIRM.

[silktricks]

well, i wouldn't put the car in his name. it's your car. if he wants the car in his name, tell him you're ready to get married again --- unless, of course, you aren't

[klynnds]

He already took your ability to trust a person, now he wants your car.

 

Don't do it. Its not worth it, buying your own car is something you've done for yourself. Its not so much the car as it is for YOU.