almostthere Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I have decided long ago that I dont want to have anymore kids. somehow this always comes up on first date conversation from the men i am dating probably because i have two kids already. I am always honest and say no more. step kids are different. but no newborns from me and him together. My current bf knows this and my dr wants me to get off the shot. We agreed orignally before we got together that neither one of us wanted kids. now i would like to get the essure proceedure done. Because we arent married and no talks of engagement he is just my bf. And he lives with me. how much say so does he have in regards to my fertility? He changed his mind on the kid thing and would like us to have a kid together someday but we have 5 right now and i have 8 years of school left. Not to mention i really dont want any more. I have one year left of child care and then it goes down and i save $400 a month (I CANT WAIT)! What do you think? I kind of think since there isnt any formal commitment between us and because we originally agreed we didnt want any kids together this should be ok for me to want.
Mother of one Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Girl, you better do what you have to do. Don't let anybody railroad you into something that you don't need or even want. Once my child passed 10 years old that was it for me, I do not want to start all that up all over again. So any man of mine had better understand that I'm done and if he's with me, so is he. Otherwise he won't be a man of mine. Girl, do you!
bluescreenlife Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 If he hasn't had kids I could see this being a pretty major issue... if you shut down the ovaries, making a long-term committment to you would mean he'd essentially never have kids. and having kids is pretty high on the life to-do list for a lot of people, so if you can't help him with that he may find someone who will. But you say you have five kids - so three of them are his? He's had that life experience already and is still having it. Maybe he wants to start the cycle again - newborns are pretty amazing after all - but I think he might just want to know he has the option. Given the mind-changing and the "someday" I don't think he really knows if he wants another child or not, so that might be something for him to figure out. If he doesn't, then there's no problem. If he does, "someday", then staying on birth control might prevent a lot of conflict and he may never ask you to actually go through with it. on the other hand, you shouldn't be pressured into such a big life decision, you have the right not to want any more kids. but if it's a really big deal to him (which I doubt, like I said he doesn't seem too assertive about it) you may find yourself single again. maybe he's testing the water for a longer commitment and wants to know how much influence he has in general over the relationship - if that's the case he's picked a pretty big issue to assert himself on. staying on the birth control might be a good compromise, but shouldn't be a submission, especially since it's your body and you seem to feel more strongly about it than he does. so there's my two cents...
norajane Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 What do you think? I kind of think since there isnt any formal commitment between us and because we originally agreed we didnt want any kids together this should be ok for me to want. He's changed his mind since then, so you can't take what he said before to justify your decision. It's your decision, but if you think you'll be married or will spend the rest of your lives together, then I imagine you'd want to consider his opinion on this. If he really wants a child with you and you make that impossible, it may jeopardize your relationship. If have this procedure and you break up with this guy, some day you may fall in love with a man who has no children but really wants them. In that situation, you may not be able to be with him since you can't have any more kids. Think outside your current situation - it's a lifetime decision, right?
crazy_grl Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Your bf has the right to tell you how he feels about the decision, but the choice is ultimately yours. If he doesn't like it, he's free to leave though. Decide which is more important to you.
dropdeadlegs Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 My opinion differs greatly from those who have posted thus far. You don't mention your age and if you are under 30 that would definitely factor into my answer. Opting for permanent infertility should be undertaken only with the certainty that you are absolutely positive you will not regret the decision. That considered, in your current situation, ie: you both have kids, have no immediate plans for marriage, and you laid your cards on the table from the beginning; I don't think he has ANY say so. Yes, he may choose to leave you, but is he worth you having a child when you don't want any more? I think every woman considering a child should be prepared to raise the child alone. Even with a supportive father, one who spends quality time with the child and provides adequate financial support, the bulk of the responsibility of raising that child will fall on the mother should the relationship crumble. HE changed HIS mind, but it doesn't appear that you changed yours. This issue would be a deal breaker for me. Sure, reopening discussion is fine, but I would not be pressured into a child if I didn't want one. That's just too much to ask of me and no amount of love for a man would make me change my mind. It's too big of a commitment, a lifelong commitment and I don't see that he has offered you anything on the same scale. There is give and take in all relationships, but this would be too much to "give" for me.
crazy_grl Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 My opinion differs greatly from those who have posted thus far. You advice is pretty much the same as mine. I guess since that wasn't obvious, maybe mine came across wrong. This issue would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't see it as a deal breaker unless he were demanding I not do it. I fhe were just asking, then there's no harm in him expressing his opinion. If I were making the decision for myself, I would probably chose to get the procedure and let him decide if it was a deal breaker for him or not. Someone above said not to get it because of the possibility of not being able to be with some guy in the future who wanted to have kids. That doesn't really seem like a good reason not to to me. After all, if the guy wanted kids, I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. If anything, getting the procedure lets future guys know that there's no point in changing their mind, and it would avoid another situation like this.
norajane Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Someone above said not to get it because of the possibility of not being able to be with some guy in the future who wanted to have kids. That doesn't really seem like a good reason not to to me. After all, if the guy wanted kids, I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. If anything, getting the procedure lets future guys know that there's no point in changing their mind, and it would avoid another situation like this. That was me who said that - I was thinking she might change her mind about wanting kids if she was with someone else...someone who didn't already have three kids of his own, someone who wasn't obssessed with his psycho ex-wife, someone who could afford to raise a family, someone whom she fell in love with and actually wanted children with... Almosthere, I've read many of your other threads, and I'm afraid you're making this decision because of your current circumstances. I can totally see why you wouldn't want more kids in your current situation with this guy. I'm not his biggest fan, and I believe there's better out there for you. I believe you deserve better than him. I believe you yourself might change your mind about having another child if you were with a different man...you're only 27 years old, right? This is a permanent decision, and your relationship...well, you change your mind about it all the time.
dropdeadlegs Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I wouldn't see it as a deal breaker unless he were demanding I not do it. If he were just asking, then there's no harm in him expressing his opinion. If I were making the decision for myself, I would probably chose to get the procedure and let him decide if it was a deal breaker for him or not. That is exactly what I meant by "deal breaker." You clarified it much better than I did, crazy_grl. Two heads are often better than one.
dropdeadlegs Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Woah, there, I'm out of the gate too fast. As I stated above, age definitely factors into my assessment of your situation. I would not recommend a permanent loss of your fertility at 27. Personally, I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted at that age. But I definitely thought I did at the time. After my first divorce I was DONE with having kids in my mind, but eventually did decide to have two more. (Bad man, but great kids I wouldn't send back if I could.) I chose sterilization at the age of 39 with four kids. Even with two kids in tow sterilization is a very serious action. While some have had successful reversals of the process it must be considered a permanent procedure. Norajane, thank you for allowing me to step back and reassess my post. As a new member I had not read any of the OP's other threads and posted based only on the given information.
crazy_grl Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 That was me who said that - I was thinking she might change her mind about wanting kids if she was with someone else...someone who didn't already have three kids of his own, someone who wasn't obssessed with his psycho ex-wife, someone who could afford to raise a family, someone whom she fell in love with and actually wanted children with... Ah. I see your point. I haven't read any of almostthere's other posts. I agree that if the decision is based on the circumstances with the current partner, then it's probably best to hold off.
Author almostthere Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 Thanks for all of your replies on this. Here's how I am looking at it. I am 27 yrs old but I have been married, had two children with the man I loved at that time. I have owned nice things and lived that way of life. I have also lost all of which was part of that life. Since then I have been raising 2 wonderful children on my own for the past 4 and half years (mostly working two jobs because I havent gotten any child support) and I know what divorce does to children and the moms trying to raise those children. I look at all angles of situations. Probably why I go back and forth on my current or previous relationships on here and with friends in conversations. But sadly the divorce rate is at 75% (almost) for second marriages. Not to mention I gave up school for my marriage before. I feel although I have done everything backwards up until now (had a child right out of high school, then got married and got the house, divorced, and now going to college with two little kids 8 and 6 years old) I think I have finally done it. I feel that I am completing some major life goals for myself. I cannot expect my next marriage, if there is one, to last. Nor can I expect it not to but judging from what i know about divorce I really dont want to go through this single mom stuff with a young child again. It is so rewarding but so hard at times. And the constant guilt for leaving their dad (no matter what the reasons were) tear me up sometimes. I dont want anymore children to have to go through that situation. I have been in a few situations with different men since my divorce that were on the way to living together and from the start I was very honest in not wanting anymore children. I feel that i have earned my right to move forward with my career now. Fortunately I cannot afford the proceedure right now so no decisions need to be made yet. BUT i do feel that my and my bf should start to talk about it now so when i do have enough money saved no one is surprised with my decision. I like to plan ahead.
Stunner Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 Ok, my two cents. I am 38 and have four...I'm done! I haven't had the permanent thing done but have an IUD. My current love interest has had a vasectomy and I am thrilled...he likes my children but neither of us want more....he's 45. Should this turn into a permanent relationship I will simply have the IUD taken out. If it shouldn't be permanent I will have the surger in another couple of years. I think it sounds like you know what you want and there is no reason why you shouldn't do it. You are making a responsible choice and taking a new direction in your life. I think you should honor your own decision and stick with it. Since you both agreed on this originally and proceeded with the relationship in that manner you have not disregarded his feelings in sticking with what you want.
Author almostthere Posted November 10, 2006 Author Posted November 10, 2006 Thanks for all your input. We talked briefly about it but he mentioned it on my way to work the other day. He knows my yearly exam is coming up and i want to talk to my dr about it. he also knows how badly I want to get off the shot but i dont trust any other method. He must have really been giving this a lot of thought over the past few months because he asked me to compare the differences in him having it done or me having it done. he is willing to get a vasectomy done if this is what we choose. I still have to think about it. but i really respected his thoughts on it and appreciated his offer of having the proceedure done on him instead of me. All i know is that we should really think about where we are in this relationship because I dont want more kids..with or without him. He seems to want more with someone he marries. If i am not the one he marries I will feel that I took that away from him. moral dilemma....
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