I'm lost . . .

[Guest]

I have read so many posts about infidelity on this site. Though I have not read them all, out of the ones I have read, I believe my story is different. I'm sure others would disagree with me, because everyone has their opinions, but to me . . . it's different. It will be a bit long, but perhaps someone out there likes to read and will be able to give me some third party insight on my situation. I thank you in advance if you read this all the way through. If anyone is to post a reply, I would really appreciate leaving religious beliefs out of your comments.

 

In two weeks I will be "celebrating" my 10 year wedding anniversary.

 

I love my husband. I love him very much. If anyone were to ever hurt him, I would spend the rest of my life in prison for ending that person's life. No matter who it happened to be.

 

He has been there for me for over a decade. Things have not been perfect by any means, but we have always stood by each other's side. He is not emotionally or physically abusive in any way. He can be neglectful and dishonest, but I consider myself very lucky to have been a part of such a wonderful person's life. He is the best friend I have ever had. Though he is neglectful, unappreciative, and dishonest with me at times, I have no intention of bad-mouthing him in anyway.

 

And though I have tried on several occasions to talk to him and tell him that I feel neglected, don't like the dishonesty, Internet porn, and feel he doesn't appreciate me or love me -- only to have him come back and say that nothing is wrong over and over . . . "I" am the bad guy. NOT him. I refuse to make excuses for my actions or try to justify them in any way. Regardless of whether or not I feel there is a reason for them.

 

I would die for him in a heartbeat. If a gun were pointed at him I would jump in front of it without ever taking even a moment to consider it. I love him. However . . . I love him in the same way one would love a family member.

 

I tried for so long to talk to him . . . to tell him my feelings . . . for 9 years I tried. I've also told him that the dishonesty has to stop. He will go out to lunch with women and then tell me he went with men and hide it . . . I find out later it was with a woman. But, alas, "I" am still the bad one in this scenario. I believe that with all my heart. I wish I could blame him for everything so that I could feel better about myself . . . but I can't. I won't.

 

I'm going to try to make a long story as short as I possibly can. I will leave out many details, but if there are any questions, please ask.

 

Part of the problem, I'm sure, is my husband proposed to me only 6 months after we started dating. I told him I did not want to get married. He told me that if I did not marry him, then our relationship was over. At the time, I thought I was deeply in love with him and I didn't want to lose him, so I said yes. Less than a year later we were married. Perhaps it is not the time frame that is the problem, but more the fact that I did not want to get married to begin with . . . but I also did not want to lose him.

 

 

In January of this year, I met a man who I have (reluctantly because of my situation) fallen deeply in love with. I know it isn't lust, infatuation or a feeling of excitement. It is LOVE. It is REAL. And though I tried desperately to not let it happen . . . it happened.

 

I have never wanted to have children, EVER . . . and though I still do not ever see myself as being a parent . . . I would have children with this man. I have never in my life felt for anyone the way I feel for this wonderful, amazing man I've met. I would die for him. He feels the same way about me.

 

More of a very long story short . . .

 

For 5 months I lived with this man in my home while my husband was working in another state. We were in the process of selling our home and I stayed behind while my husband went. I saw my lover every day and night. We have spent so many hours together, and each day has been more wonderful than the next. He is everything I've ever wanted and never thought existed.

 

I know I've only known my lover (such a naughty word to describe the man I deeply love) for less than a year, but spending nearly 24 hours a day together has to mean more time than dating someone you only see twice a week. We have spent significant hours together. It must account for more than the actual days allow.

 

Anytime a disagreement comes up, we do not argue. We discuss things calmly and maturely. Something I have never in my life experienced. Believe me when I tell you that this man is amazing, and if I had a crystal ball 10 years ago, I would be available to marry this man now.

 

Gosh, I feel like I've left so many things out and just blurted out what is happening now. But I know how long this would be if I didn't cut it short.

 

A lot of things lead up to my relationship with this man. We took things slow at first and to be honest, he did not know I was married until 6 months into our relationship. VERY unfair of me, I know. And very, very selfish.

 

The thing is, I do not view this man as an affair. He is moving here to be close to me. I am currently going to school for a Ph.D. and he is willing to wait until I am finished. I cannot support myself financially if I were to leave, and on top of that . . . I do NOT want to hurt my husband.

 

I want to live my life with this man I've met, but I just cannot build my empire on someone else's ruins. I want to do it slowly and as least painfully as I can. I do not want to tell my husband I met someone else . . . I want to tell him we've grown apart too much. I cannot, will not hurt him by telling him I'm in love with someone else.

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

I could stay with my husband forever and know that I'd have security. But I cannot let this man, the love of my lifetime go. I want my husband to be happy, and I am quite sure I do not make him happy. I do not want to lose his friendship. I do, however, want to see him with someone that excites him, that treats him the way he should be treated romantically. I have had no desire to have sex with my husband for a very long time. He deserves to be with someone who will love him like a man and not a family member.

 

I have spent so many hours agonizing over this. I know I started this post out well, but then blurted everything out afterwards. I'm sure I've not explained myself properly.

 

I feel so very guilty, but at the same time . . . I feel I belong with this man and that the man I am currently married to deserves to be as happy with someone as I am with this man in my life.

 

Infidelity is wrong. I know that. I would not want it done to me . . . therefore, I cannot and will not hurt my husband's pride, self-esteem, or anything else by telling him the true reason for my wanting to leave. I want to do it so that his dignity will stay intact. I want to remain friends. He has been a part of my life for nearly 12 years. I cannot hurt him like that. I just can't. I am so confused as to what to do. Do I give it time? I just don't know.

 

I want to start my life with the man I've fallen in love with, but of course, I don't want to make a mistake. Then again, would it be a mistake? I am not romantically happy with my husband. Doesn't he deserve a woman that will want to make love with him and excite him? Even though it would hurt to see him with someone else because of the years we've spent together . . . rather that than have him put up with a woman who is in love with someone else.

 

I feel horrible. There are no words to express just how horrible I feel about myself. I have always looked at cheating as the worse thing imaginable and have NEVER condoned it. My biggest pet-peeve (before it happened to me) was infidelity. I never understood it and swore I'd never do it.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my security or hurt the man I'm married to, but my God . . . I would live in a box with my lover, own nothing, and be happy.

 

I'm scared. I'm a coward. I'm the world's biggest ass, and I don't know what to do.

 

If you reply . . . please be gentle.

[Mythical]

Dear Guest,

 

I feel absolutely horrible for you and I don't think yuor a terrible mean person at all.

I don't really have any advice I just want you to know that I think the situation you are in made you make these decisions.

Do you know if your husband have ever cheated on you?

If I was in your situation and my husband lied to me all the time and made me feel like that id long for someone to trust and have that great relationship too.

Are you sleeping with the the guy you are in love with? I am guessing so.

I mean no matter what I would feel guilty for having this second life behind my husbands back, but I think the only thing you can do to not make this situation any worse, is leave your husband. You have to let him know how much you still care for him as a person but let him know you don't feel that "connection" anymore.

Maybe he will understand, I have a feeling he might feel the same way.

Maybe he is in the exact situation as you are and finding a way to tell you?

I hope things work out for you, I know i don't have any advice I just don't think you should be left feeling like you are a terrible person.

I am just like yu my NUMBER ONE thing is cheating I think its horrible.

So please end your marriage asap, so you can move on and your husband can move on also.

Good guest im sorry to hear this

[Romeo Must Die]

You are deciding on wether or not to throw away your husband of ten (twelve) years for someone you have only known less than one tenth of that time. I think since you created this mess, then you deal with it. You clean it up.

 

Your reasons for cheating are weak, shallow and they only serve your own self interests. You took advantage of him when he was not even around to do or say anything about it and now he is going to pay for that mistake big time.

 

I doubt your lover would have spent half the time with you had your husband been at home. Your husband wasnt mistreating you, he was working. And dont give me any of that business about never wanting to get married, or that you were trapped in a loveless marriage. It's just a cheaters excuse. You cannot justify what you have done. There is never an excuse for cheating.

 

People cheat because they are messed-up in the head and its alot easier to blame their partner than it is to look at themselves. If you were having so many problems you should have sought a counsellor or a family member or even a friend (not a lover) for advise. You have no loyalty and no respect. You need some serious help, lady Guest.

 

[Guest]

You are deciding on wether or not to throw away your husband of ten (twelve) years for someone you have only known less than one tenth of that time. I think since you created this mess, then you deal with it. You clean it up.

 

Your reasons for cheating are weak, shallow and they only serve your own self interests. You took advantage of him when he was not even around to do or say anything about it and now he is going to pay for that mistake big time.

 

I doubt your lover would have spent half the time with you had your husband been at home. Your husband wasnt mistreating you, he was working. And dont give me any of that business about never wanting to get married, or that you were trapped in a loveless marriage. It's just a cheaters excuse. You cannot justify what you have done. There is never an excuse for cheating.

 

People cheat because they are messed-up in the head and its alot easier to blame their partner than it is to look at themselves. If you were having so many problems you should have sought a counsellor or a family member or even a friend (not a lover) for advise. You have no loyalty and no respect. You need some serious help, lady Guest.

 

 

 

 

Wow . . . OUCH!

 

Obviously you didn't read my thread completely. I have been trying for 9 years with my husband, and I did not list all the reasons that led up to this. My husband has been neglectful and has been dishonest, and yes, he has not treated me very well. He is more interested in internet porn than he is with me. He is more interested in female companions than he is with me. However, I was trying to not bring up what he has done, but rather what I have.

 

Thanks for your input. I'm curious why someone that is so judgmental would be looking in the "Infidelity" posts, though.

[Sup]

Lady, YOU already HAVE hurt your husband, he just doesn't even know it yet. Tell him about your affair, and let him move on and find someone else.

[Bryanp]

Having your lover stay in your home while you husband works out of state is unbelivable. You say you do not wish to hurt your husband? Are you kidding me? It is a shame that your husband did not return to the home and find your lover. Truly you are a real piece of work. Why don't you try a new concept that seems foreign to you like honesty. Tell your husband the truth and I guarantee you he will not want to have anything to do with you. At the very least he deserves the truth so he can underestand what you have done and then he can move on with his life with no regrets.

 

Your have fallen for a man who had no problem having sex with a married woman and living in the house and bed while her husband worked out of state not knowing anything. He really sounds like quite a catch (sic). I don't see how he could ever trust you and if you think about how could you ever trust him. You both seem quite amoral. You actually have the nerve to think about staying with your husband for the security and never telling him about what you have done. You and your lover make a perfect pair. You both truly deserve each other.

[norajane]

I can see why you're all lost and confused - you're living a double life and lying all over the place. And you were upset because your husband was neglecting you and dishonest about lunch? You don't have sex with your husband and have a lover on the side...the duplicity and irony must be eating away at you inside.

 

Only way out of this mess is to get a divorce. Cut down on your studies and get a job so you can support yourself. Then see what happens with your lover.

[luvstarved]

Well I certainly don't think that you have handled this in a mature manner. I can understand falling in love and I can understand being married to someone that you don't really love the way you should love a spouse. I can understand feeling neglected, etc.

 

I have a harder time with lying to the new guy, waiting six months to tell him you are married, meanwhile virtually living with him while your unsuspecting husband works elsewhere. My sense is not that you are morally corrupt but that you are a C-O-W-A-R-D.

 

You need to cough up the nerve to come completely clean with your husband. I think that trying to avoid telling him about your lover to protect HIS feelings is bogus.

 

There is no question that you should get a divorce, for the sake of you and your husband. But the only honorable way to handle it is to give him the whole truth. Doing anything less puts him in the unwitting position of interpreting and responding to a reality that doesn't exist. And that just ain't fair...

[Romeo Must Die]

Guest. I am tough, but at least I will be straight with you.

 

I think you are seeking validation for yourself and your lover and I would bet good money that you could ask this same Q over in the OW forum and find the praise you are searching for. They will put you on a pedistal and tell you how great you are, much like the OM does. You see, you are just seeking attention all the time and that is what affairs are all about. It's because YOU feel so bad inside, you mirror the pain. You just don't see it.

 

Why would you degrade yourself, your husband, or your marriage even for love? Your story is no different than any other cheaters. I just hear a record player. If things were so bad at home, then you had nine years to seek a proper divorce and move on. I don't think internet porn or lunches with women are the problem here anymore, now the issue lies with you.

 

Cheaters have some distorted sense of belief about their BS. They arent loved or there is some other problem they seek to resolve with an affair, thus creating more problems. It's sort of like marriage suicide, you needed to escape but there were other ways out. The cheaters will re-write history thinking they never really loved their spouses, or that the marriage was always so bad. They never wanted marriage or children. It's a huge failure to communicate.

 

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

If you reply . . . please be gentle.

 

Do you deserve it?

 

I don't know what kind of reply you are looking for since you say you are lost, but your husband deserves to know - all the details he wants to know - and he does deserve a woman that will love him, and make him happy. And apparently that is not you. You just want to hang on to him for security. Selfishness.

 

I would suggest you divorce and move on. You've been struggeling to save a relationship for 9 years... long past time to give up I'd say. You should have divorced first, then found a new lover. But you didn't.

 

I don't know what your husband did but anything short of cheating on you certainly didn't justify your cheating on him.

 

What is done is done, can't be undone. Move on.

[quankanne]

I think you already know in your heart what to do, but are afraid to make that move. What do you really want out of your life? If you truly don't want to hurt the man you're already married to, how is staying with him when you don't see him as a true marital partner going make better the fact that emotionally, you're gone?

 

ideally, you'd have gotten out of your marriage and would be free to pursue an open relationship with the guy you're having the affair with, but you refused to let go the first opportunity you had and now you're stuck with this. Not sitting as judge and jury here, but merely reminding you that you already know what you need to do, but are mired in fear and chose inaction ...

 

if you care for your husband as a friend, then you prolly need to let him go so he can find someone who will love him and want to be with him, you know?

[PoshPrincess]

LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! This other man obviously makes you SO happy and even if he didn't, your husband doesn't! You BOTH deserve more. I was in a similar situation with my ex-partner and I ended up leaving him. I felt like a b**ch, felt guilty, etc, didn't want to hurt him (we had a child together which made it harder) but in the end I knew I wasn't being fair on him and that he didn't deserve to be cheated on. After 15 months apart he is now with someone else and realises that I was right to end our relationship. He admits he wasn;t happy either but would've plodded along fo the sake of our son. He is much happier and so am I.

 

Incidentally, I am no longer with the OM I thought I was SO in love with. You say you don't want to hurt your husband but in these situations someone will ALWAYS be hurt, the H for being cheated on/left, you for staying with H when you want the OM or the OM if you decide to stay with your H. Your husband will get over it, believe me. You say you don't think you make him happy either so in the long run you will probably be doing him a favour.

 

Lots of luck. You'll do the right thing. You deserve to be happy!

[peacelove]

Wow . . . OUCH!

 

Obviously you didn't read my thread completely. I have been trying for 9 years with my husband, and I did not list all the reasons that led up to this. My husband has been neglectful and has been dishonest, and yes, he has not treated me very well. He is more interested in internet porn than he is with me. He is more interested in female companions than he is with me. However, I was trying to not bring up what he has done, but rather what I have.

 

Thanks for your input. I'm curious why someone that is so judgmental would be looking in the "Infidelity" posts, though.

 

Please pay no mind to those posters. They're entitled to their opinion, but it's just their opinion. Don't take it to heart.

[Chapter2]

You'd certainly lose your money with me Romeo and I resent the broad generalization. Its sweeping categorizations like this that pit entire groups of people against each other. No two people are exactly alike therefore no two groups are exactly alike. Not bashing you, just resent the comment.

 

I would bet good money that you could ask this same Q over in the OW forum and find the praise you are searching for. They will put you on a pedistal and tell you how great you are, much like the OM does. You see, you are just seeking attention all the time and that is what affairs are all about. It's because YOU feel so bad inside, you mirror the pain. You just don't see it.

[Freedom Now]

Agreed Chapter2.

 

I would certainly NOT put this poster on a pedestal. And what she has done is certainly NOT great.

 

Sweeping generalization, Romeo. And I am insulted that you lump all of "us" women into one lump group. Not every OW/MM story is black and white. And we OW are NOT all the same.

 

Carry on....

[rossi]

Dear guest, my advise to you is: be honest with your husband, he will appreciated it more than if you keep lying to him. Open your heart to him and tell him all the stuff you just said here. It will be painfull the first or two months but after that he will appreciated that you were honest with him and he did not had to figure out or discovered the affair by himself.LEAVE him right away, if a man has a porn adiction, it means he cheated on you.

 

Five months are long time for both of you to be separete, he must have been having sex with someone else. Any person who has porn adiction end up having sex with few women, the image that this adiction proyect is the sexual act with diffe. women. They want to feel like the porn men star, who is having sex with diffe. women and sometimes with two women as well. Leave him now before you cause more pain to you and himself as well

[THX2000]

Agreed Chapter2.

 

I would certainly NOT put this poster on a pedestal. And what she has done is certainly NOT great.

 

Sweeping generalization, Romeo. And I am insulted that you lump all of "us" women into one lump group. Not every OW/MM story is black and white. And we OW are NOT all the same.

 

Carry on....

 

I hate to break it to you but every OM/OW/MM/MW story is the same. You just want it to be different because your story just has to be unique for you feel validated. Every OW/OM/MM/MW story involves all the same elements: cheating, lying, betrayal and most of all the choice of whether or not to screw over another person. The truth hurts....deal with it.

[Chapter2]

I was referring to the fact that I would not praise this poster as Romeo was betting. Which, I would not. Its not necessary for you to tell me to deal with anything as your bitterness shows you clearly have plenty to deal with on your own. You seem to be a lovely individual.

 

I hate to break it to you but every OM/OW/MM/MW story is the same. You just want it to be different because your story just has to be unique for you feel validated. Every OW/OM/MM/MW story involves all the same elements: cheating, lying, betrayal and most of all the choice of whether or not to screw over another person. The truth hurts....deal with it.

[Freedom Now]

I hate to break it to you but every OM/OW/MM/MW story is the same. You just want it to be different because your story just has to be unique for you feel validated. Every OW/OM/MM/MW story involves all the same elements: cheating, lying, betrayal and most of all the choice of whether or not to screw over another person. The truth hurts....deal with it.

 

 

And you are one bitter woman. How do you explain those of us who were innocent parties to the infidelity? Those of us who have fought the affair from the moment the marriage was revealed? Those of us who had to close our email accounts, block the MM, change our phone numbers and occasionally, move, to get away from the MM? Hmmmm.....what about us? And why, do you wonder, did we need to take such drastic measures to remove HIM from OUR life? Stop HIM from pursuing us? Seems to me, the only person who was and would continue to be cheating, lying and betraying (if WE didn't stop him) was the MM.

 

Unfortunately, not ALL infidelities are the same. But, believe what you want. And contrary to popular belief, some of us OW do not condone affairs. I, for one, certainly do not.

 

And if it provides some comfort to you to believe that all of us OW are just vicious, cruel women who set OUT to steal a MM, you are sorely mistaken. We are human beings, just as yourself. And, incredibly, some of us, too, were misled into an affair purely without our knowledge or consent. I am living proof of that.

 

And he is who is without sin can cast the first stone.

 

Just as every BS is not the same, every OW is not either. I get tired of the sweeping generalizations. There are no absolutes in life. And to believe otherwise is closeminded.

 

And I post on LS to empower other OW to remove themselves from these painful relationships. To find the dignity and strength within themselves to walk away and never look back. To never again settle for a relationship that is beneath their standards. You will not read that I am encouraging an OW to stay in her relationship with her MM. I do not condone affairs. I never will. But, I understand how they occur. And I am sensitive to all sides of the affair. I am sensitive to the BS' feelings and the OW's feelings. I have been on both sides of the fence in my life. And I wouldn't want to be in EITHER ONE's shoes. They both suck.

 

But, to flame OW and lump them all into one "type" of person is unfair. Perhaps a little empowerment instead of flaming would go a long way in bridging the gap between the OW and the BS. After all, we are all here for advice and assistance. And there is simply no sense in rubbing salt into already open, gaping wounds.

 

Good grief....why must it be a turf war? Can we not, as fellow WOMEN, stand in the gap for each other and support one another towards healing and healthy living? Must we label and point fingers at one another?

 

Why cannot we strive for peace?

[NoIDidn't]

I hate to break it to you but every OM/OW/MM/MW story is the same. You just want it to be different because your story just has to be unique for you feel validated. Every OW/OM/MM/MW story involves all the same elements: cheating, lying, betrayal and most of all the choice of whether or not to screw over another person. The truth hurts....deal with it.

 

Chapter2 and Freedom,

 

I understand what the two of you are trying to say, but you all seem to have missed completely what Shineshop was/is saying. All of the elements are there and are true, even in your situations - it matters not if you are not the person that did those things. The elements were still there, and that is all that she seems to be saying.

 

Calling a person bitter for simply stating the above is really low. Plus, Romeo was the one who originally made the statement, why jump all over Shine?

[NoIDidn't]

Guest

 

I didn't read the entire post, so forgive me if I contradict some of what you said (too long).

 

But the fact that you lied to your OM and have him in your marital home is bad form. Really. That is where most of us are getting hung up. Especially the fact that your H is off working and you have another man in your/his home.

 

I feel for you, but you have made some really poor choices and now have to see how this pans out. I don't think it will turn out good, but who knows the kind of H you have.

[Freedom Now]

Chapter2 and Freedom,

 

I understand what the two of you are trying to say, but you all seem to have missed completely what Shineshop was/is saying. All of the elements are there and are true, even in your situations - it matters not if you are not the person that did those things. The elements were still there, and that is all that she seems to be saying.

 

Calling a person bitter for simply stating the above is really low. Plus, Romeo was the one who originally made the statement, why jump all over Shine?

 

Shine went after me personally and insulted me. "The truth hurts...deal with it" is not a kind statement to make to anyone who doesn't know the entire situation. And I don't take well to people judging me without knowing me or my situation.

 

I don't like it when people are unkind to others and nothing in Shine's response to my post showed sensitivity or was stated in the spirit of kindness. It reaked of anger and bitterness. And, guess what? Maybe I, too, am hurt. And I don't need someone who doesn't know me to judge me and tell me that I am trying to validate my situation. NO ONE knows about what I have gone through. But to assume the worst, just because I was an OW in name is simply judgmental. It certainly isn't a role that I WANTED.

 

And as for Romeo's statement, I addressed that too.

 

Peace

 

Freedom Now

[QueenOfDenial]

If your husband hasnt made you happy for 9 years and won't even discuss anything with you, and lies to you about lunches with women and porn... what the the heck do you have to feel guilty about? You tried. He didn't. I was in the same boat in my first marriage. I knew he was in love with someone else, had cheated on me, and I still felt guilty when I left. Go figure.

You weren't going out of your way, looking to have some exciting, sneaky affair just to see if you could get away with it. You simply fell in love with someone who gave you the attention and affection that you weren't getting anywhere else. I would be completely honest with your husband. Tell him that obviously neither one of you have been happy, and you both deserve to be. If you suspect that he's had an affair, find out for sure so he can't go play the victim and make you feel guilty. If he's been having lunches with women and lying, messing around on the internet, and is not sleeping with you, it's pretty likely that's what is going on. It irks me when one person doesn't want to put any effort into a relationship, but they sure like playing the victim when they lose the relationship they didn't deserve in the first place. Life is too short. Be happy.

[Mz. Pixie]

Agreed Chapter2.

 

I would certainly NOT put this poster on a pedestal. And what she has done is certainly NOT great.

 

Sweeping generalization, Romeo. And I am insulted that you lump all of "us" women into one lump group. Not every OW/MM story is black and white. And we OW are NOT all the same.

 

Carry on....

 

Agreed. I used to be a OW, and I was fully supportive of you on your thread about how vicious your husband's ex OW is.

[Mz. Pixie]

Unfortunately, not ALL infidelities are the same. But, believe what you want. And contrary to popular belief, some of us OW do not condone affairs. I, for one, certainly do not.

 

And if it provides some comfort to you to believe that all of us OW are just vicious, cruel women who set OUT to steal a MM, you are sorely mistaken. We are human beings, just as yourself. And, incredibly, some of us, too, were misled into an affair purely without our knowledge or consent. I am living proof of that.

 

 

It's much easier to blame the OW or the OM that the partner. Because they love their partner and they'd like to believe that the person "ran after them" or "threw themselves" at their spouse- because that makes the whole thing easier to swallow- if they want to stay with their partner.

 

Honestly, it's hard for them to mend their marriage without being able to put the blame on the OP.

 

No one can be stolen unless they want to be, plain and simple.

 

The real person who should be blamed in this whole thing is the partner who cheated. Not necessarily the OW or the OM. The spouse is the one who made vows to that partner, period. They are the ones who lied to the person who trusted them most.

 

I think that there are people who set out to flirt with and get someone's spouse interested in them, yes. But I'd wager there are more women especially who have no clue the guy is married until later on. Then when they find out they are lied to "we're separated" and "we live separate lives and I'm just waiting on the right time to get a divorce" :rolleyes:

 

No matter how much flirting and such that the OW or OM does with the spouse, however, if they do not want to cheat, they won't.

 

I can tell you 100 percent that if my husband cheated, I wouldn't give a crap about the OW. My radar would be focused on him and him alone.