cardinalmaninus Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Hi all. First time posting here (unfortunately). I have been reading this forum for the past couple of days. Thanks to all who give their advice. Let me explain the situation at a high level. Been married just over a year to my wife whom I have dated for 7 years previous. We had always had a wonderful relationship. However, things have taken a turn for the worse. The first 6 months of marriage were OK. Went on several nice vacations, enjoying each other's presence. However, the past few months have gotten really bad. We are both in our mid/late twenties. She has stated that she 'missed out' on her younger years and wished she had the chance to date other people (even though she probably would have still chosen to marry me). But about two months ago, I got the infamous 'I love you, but I dont think I am in love with you anymore' line. She then proceeded to avoid coming home until late at night. She said she wanted her space, but I refused to leave our home. Well, last week I caught her talking to another guy on the phone. After a huge argument, she ended up spending the night at the other guy's house. She assured me that she is not cheating (at least in the physical sense) and that she was just talking through some issues with this guy. I called him on one occasion, but he hung up on me. The next four nights she stayed out at friends houses, not returning home until the morning before work. Fearing for her safety, I agreed to spend the night at her parents for the week. She officially owns our house, as she purchased it before our marriage. Therefore, I don't think I have the ability to throw her out. By no means have I officially moved out, as all my belongings are there. I think she just wants to end our marriage, but I have been able to get her to a couple of counseling sessions. Next week we see the counselor individually. But here is the issue I am having problems with in the meantime. Do I confront her again about this guy? From everything I have read, its better to keep any contact short and positive. I could always tell her family about this guy, but that would pretty much end any shot at saving this marriage. I truly love this gal and want to live the rest of my life with her. I am not sure the feeling is mutual. I do know that she probably is still talking to this guy and he is not helping the situation (grass is greener type of deal). So, please fire away with opinions. I appreciate it!
Guest Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 But here is the issue I am having problems with in the meantime. Do I confront her again about this guy? From everything I have read, its better to keep any contact short and positive. I could always tell her family about this guy, but that would pretty much end any shot at saving this marriage. that all sucks man. its easier said than done, but if i were to offer you any advice it would be to not say anything. if she is having an affair- she is having an affair. nothing you say or dont say will make any difference. hold your dignity and see how it all goes. pull back a bit and see where it leads. act a bit indifferent to it all. we always want what we cant have and it would probably do you some good to not be so available to her right now. sounds like shes acting like an insensitive beeyatch. give her some time - just dont be played a fool for too long. she owes you way more respect than that.
jimchildofgod Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Yes, she owes you much more respect than that. It is Soooo difficult to do, to pull back when you care so much. Believe me, I have been in the position. Collect yourself - you will always have YOU - and practice going through the motions of life. Get counsel if you can. Just do not chase anybody - it all turns out the same in the end. If you chase you lose your dignity. Then, if you can work things out, that loss of dignity will haunt your relationship forever. You will only have to be in pain for a while. Hang in there.
FlyingHigh Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 EXPOSE! EXPOSE! EXPOSE! I followed MB principles in exposure. You can find it on this site: www.marriagebuilders.com. Read "Surviving an Affairr", "His Needs, Her Needs". Understand the Plan A and B and start putting it into action. There are success stories, even after an affair. Exposing the affair to both sides, her family and the OM's, and yes, his wife or SO! Once I found out about STBX's affair, I exposed him to his family. Did the Plan A & B. Went to 4 months couseling. We even went on a cruise for the first time. But the bastard was a leopard who never changed his spots. He kept lying and cheating. Caught him that did it for me! Divorce is in the process. He never moved in with his OW as he "promised" her. They actually deserved each other. His OW's XH of ten years cheated on her. He cheated on me 6 months after we got married. And then she cheated on him with her next door neighbor. Perfect couple don't you think? Affair thrives in secrecy. Exposing it to the light of day is your only chance in killing it. No matter what you do, cheaters will never blame themselves. They have a strong sense of entitlement. It's all about them!!! Affair will either destroy a marriage and make it stronger. There's a lesson in it for both. Good luck. We know what you're going through.
LakesideDream Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 FlyingHigh, good advice I think. After 25 years my then wife got fed up with hiding here "main" long term affair (on and off for 24 years) and gave me the "I need to find out if I can do it for myself" line, (I was a decent provider and faithfull spouse). I had suspected infidelity on and off for about 6 years. She professed constantly that she "hated" homewreckers, and cheaters whenever it came up with friends or on TV. It took her two weeks (still living in the house) to "come clean". In a hour of meanness some months later I contacted her honey's spouse.. and forever became the bad guy. Even my daughter "couldn't forgive me" for hurting her mom. (Son didn't care, he was angry too, another story). Be carefull with that exposing stuff. I gained nothing, and lost much for it.
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