hurtingkate Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I've been cheated on in the past (not in a serious relationship but lied to and betrayed anywaY) but never by my current bf. We've been together three years live together, I want to get engaged, he keeps stalling but thats another story. My concern is that my bf has an ex from eight years ago. They were together for 2 years, lived together were engaged and one day she just packed up her stuff and left their apartment. SHe didn't even tell him, she left him a note. From what he said he was very suprised/upset by this and later found out that she'd left him for another guy adn that she had been cheating on him because he worked so much and was never around. well eventually he became friends with this ex again and they said (according to him) that they woudl never get back together again no matter what (both their friends and family say they are perfect for eachother because they have a lot of the same interests etc). This ex was always friendly towards me and I never thought her much of a threat. We are total opposites, she is a tom boy type woman, she used to be very attractive with long blonde hair (when she and my bf dated) but since I've known her she is on the heavy side (no big deal) and has a hair cut like a man. She is pretty much the female equivalent of my bf as far as their interests and habits. She has been married twice in the last four years and my bf attended both of her weddings (the 2nd one with me) she got married about three weeks after her first divorce was final and now has a daughter with her husband. My concern is that she and my bf work together so they see eachother every day. Her husband was unemployed for the last six months or so adn basically did nothing but sit at home and they almost lost their house over this. She was understandably upset and confided in my bf several times at work. She told him how she was mad at her husband and that he didn't help her with their daughter or clean the house and since he wasn't working he could at least do that much. My bf said he listened to her. He came home and told me that she had confided in him. He also told her (at a later date) that anything she tells him he tells me. She was upset that he repeated everything she had said to him but isnt' this how a relationship is supposed to work? If she wants to tell him private details she has to know that he will share this with his significant other. I"m bothered by this because when she was going thru her first divorce my bf lied to me about calling her. (Her # was on his cell phone and he said it was his guy friend) he said he called her just to check up on her. If it was that innocent why didn't he just tell me? She also recently told him that she thinks I hate her. I"m not sure what would give her that idea as I don't even know her!! And I never see her. I guess I am worried that she may have another motive for confiding in my bf. I mean should a married woman be confiding in her ex about her current marital problems? This is really bothering me, I've been having dreams that he calls her behind my back and that they hook up. I know that is silly. I've talked to my bf about it and he says I have nothing to worry about. is it approriate for him to talk to her about her issues with her husband?
norajane Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 If all was peachy in your relationship with your bf, my guess is this wouldn't bother you so much. It still might, though. Anytime there's a woman telling her relationship troubles to another man - especially an ex - it's possible something could flare between them. The only way to deal with this is the way you've been doing it. You have been honest with your bf about your feelings and he's being honest with you about their contacts and conversations. I doubt you should be worried unless he stops telling you about their conversations and contacts. Maybe you could suggest to your bf that he suggest marriage counseling to his friend.
luvstarved Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 This is one of those red flag situations that needs to be monitored. It is impossible to say whether there is something brewing based on what you have written, but if it were me, I'd keep my eyes wide open for any further deceptions. Sometimes people of opposite sex really are just good friends, but I personally would not be comfortable with my H having this close of a relationship with another woman. As long as you are keeping him honest, and staying honest yourself, I think that watching the situation is all you can do. You might want to encourage him to try to gently extricate himself from this intimate a position in her life, but given the history, would probably backfire to try to get him to cut her out of his life entirely and/or abruptly. Good luck.
LakesideDream Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Answer is easy. There is two ways to handle it. 1) make him "registered owner" of the car, with you as sole leinholder. 2) just keep the car and insurance in your name, and let him write the check to the insurance company. The company doesen't care who pays the bill. If he won't agree to either of the above, he's up to no good. What is this car a Bentley? I can't imagine insurance being a large expense.
norajane Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Answer is easy. There is two ways to handle it. 1) make him "registered owner" of the car, with you as sole leinholder. 2) just keep the car and insurance in your name, and let him write the check to the insurance company. The company doesen't care who pays the bill. If he won't agree to either of the above, he's up to no good. What is this car a Bentley? I can't imagine insurance being a large expense. This must have been intended for another thread?
Mythical Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I think maybe she is jealous of you for having him now and maybe on her side wants to persue more, but I defiently think for him it isn't. He goes out of his way to tell you everything she tells him and than he even went to her and said that he tells you everything, so he sn't hiding anything. Him lying about calling her in the past was defiently wrong, but maybe he realized that and changed. I also don't see how he could want to pursue a relationship with someone like her , she has been divorced twice, cheated on him in the past and just took off out of no where! You seem way better than that. her getting mad at him for telling you everything is pethetic I agree that you should tell your partner pretty much everything. If he is smart im sure he has no intentions towards her, theres really no good about her, she makes it up that you dislike her, she gets mad because he is loyal and tells you the truth and shes mad she left him before! If I were you id probably be upset that he respects someone that did that to him in the past. But I hope you guys can work things out, I personally don't think she is a threat. Good luck!
JamesM Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 My bf said he listened to her. He came home and told me that she had confided in him. He also told her (at a later date) that anything she tells him he tells me. She was upset that he repeated everything she had said to him but isnt' this how a relationship is supposed to work? If she wants to tell him private details she has to know that he will share this with his significant other. I"m bothered by this because when she was going thru her first divorce my bf lied to me about calling her. (Her # was on his cell phone and he said it was his guy friend) he said he called her just to check up on her. If it was that innocent why didn't he just tell me? Based on this, I do not think you have anything to worry about. If however, your husband quits telling you about conversations with her, then you may need to ask how is she. Where I used to work as manager, we had a saying...it isn't when a couple is flirting and talking alot that you should watch, it is when they no longer do. Not always true, but many times when a work affair becomes serious, the couple try to hide it. In your case, he is being open with you and with her. If he begins to act like he has no conversations with her suddenly, this I would be a little concerned about. If he is lying to you, then it would be easier not to tell you anything. I"m bothered by this because when she was going thru her first divorce my bf lied to me about calling her. (Her # was on his cell phone and he said it was his guy friend) he said he called her just to check up on her. If it was that innocent why didn't he just tell me? Maybe because you would act like you are now? I think he is making sure this time that he is completely upfront to avoid the appearance of infidelity. I say...good job to him.
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