anyguy Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Some background info: One of my good mates has an on-off relationship with this girl who is in her early twenties while we (me and my mate) are in our early thirties. We all met on the same college course about two years ago. The problem is my mate's gf always puts me down or insults me in some way whenever we all meet up together. It is not just me she treats this way - another bloke in our circle of friends was told by our mate that his gf told him she did not want to see him (the other mate) again. Basically she seems to be very jealous and controlling of anyone whom she perceives as being a potential rival for her bf's (my mates) attention. This is even though they spend loads of time together and us blokes only occassionally meet up. I have never deliberatley said or done anything to upset my mate's gf but she very often has a dig at me out of the blue on the odd occassions we are all together. I know how to stand up for myself and to make respectful assertive responses to such provocations. It is just that it is very tiresome having to be on my guard all the time whenever she is around. I am just trying to understand where she might be coming from. I think she may be trying to provoke me into saying something rude back to her which she can use a pretext for telling her bf (my mate) that he should have nothing more to do with me. The thing is I smoke and drink alcohol which my mate's gf is vehemently against and my mate has given up both of these habits since he has been with this girl. Which is great. I still enjoy smoking and drinking and these are just a couple of things this girl constantly has a dig at me about. Basically, has anyone else been in a similar situation where a jealous/controlling partner of one of your mates has been a problem and how do you suggest handling it?
norajane Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I've been in that situation many times over the years as my friends have partnered up and gotten married. There is no handling it, because your friend is making his choices. If he were upset with his girl because of her behavior toward his friends, he'd do something about it. It's not your place to do or say anything. Basically, what happens is you end up spending less and less time with your friend. If he notices and it bothers him, he may ask you what's up. That's when you be honest and tell him that his girl is making it difficult for you to enjoy spending time with him. Odds are, though, he won't notice or he won't say anything, and the friendship will just fade away. One day, he'll not have any friends, just her and her friends, or the friends she approves of. If he's ok with that, he'll let it happen. If he's not ok with it, he'll do something.
alphamale Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 just stop hanging out with your mate and his g/f....
Author anyguy Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 Thanks for your comments. I had pretty much come to those conclusions as well. I guess all I can do is stand up for myself as I would to a put down from anyone else. What if my mate and his gf are going through one of their "we're just friends" phases? Would it be acceptable then for me to say I did not enjoy her company and did not want her to come round to my place when my mate visits? My approach is that if two people are actually in a relationship then I will welcome both of them to my home but I think if they maintain that they are "just friends" then as the host I have the right to veto who comes to my home. Do you agree with this or would I just be stooping to her (my mate's gf's) level? Overall I have to say I agree that it is not really my place to do or say anything about others life choices unless it adversely impacts on my sense of wellbeing...
Cheshire Cat Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 My approach is that if two people are actually in a relationship then I will welcome both of them to my home but I think if they maintain that they are "just friends" then as the host I have the right to veto who comes to my home. It sounds very reasonable to me, but an immature or easy-to-manipulate person might hold it against you. Or inform her that you said such a thing, which would cause even more hostility between this girl and you, expecially if they got back together again. I guess it comes down to what kind of person your guy friend is. Also, I would point it to your mate's attention that it is not coherent behaviour to be rude to you, put you down *and* hang out at your place. Why next time she insults you you do not tell her something like "please stop taking advantage of the fact that you are my friend's girlfriend to get away with rude behaviour"?.
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