juk Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 After 10 of the best years of my life, the best thing that ever ever happened to me as left me (my wife) When we first met and for many years after that we become inseparable, almost everything we ever did was together. It was more then just marriage she was my best mate and the only person on this planet i wanted to be with. Problems started to happen when she become self obsessed with the way that she looked. Continuely looking in the mirror, asking me if she looked good (of course i always answer yes) the self obsession got completely out of hand that is was becoming tedious. Then one day she was sitting on the sofa watching TV with her mobile in her hand, i thought it was strange to be clutching the phone so i asked her if she was excepting a call. She got defensive and said no, at that point i knew something was up so grabbed the phone and read the inbox, i was totally blown away and devastated to find out she was having an affair. I left her for a week then rang her and we decided to give it another go for our son's sake who's 2. I asked why she did it and she said i never gave her enough attention and when she was younger she always felt liked she would be the last person to be picked by the boys. Because she was looking fantastic she started to get noticed more and more, i could sense this when we was out, men always looking at her and she loved it. I was more proud of her then anything else. Well we tried to make things work between us for 3 months but i couldn't help myself but call her some nasty things when things got heated up about the affair. No women wants to be called nasty names, and i regret it more then anything in the world now. She says shes not giving any guarantees if we will get back together or promises. I want her back more then anything in the world i have tried everything this week to get her back. I can't handle it i really can't, i want her and my son back so much its making me physically ill. She rang the other day to tell me she was going out on the town, i was absolutely gutted she told me that, i know how easy it will be for her to get the attention from the men. My problem is we live in the same town, i cant handle the thought of seeing my wife with another man. I can't really move away because i wouldn't know where to move to. It's been a week now and i feel lost, scared, heart broken and embarrassed to tell anyone. The house is eerily quite its all so surreal. Sorry to go on but it's helped a little me typing this and letting my feelings out.
jmargel Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Well from your post I can see that she has some maturity issues. From what I understand from you that you two were inseperatable but she tells you that she didn't get enough attention from you. Was this just the past few years this has been happening? Her bringing up the past about kids not picking on her, makes me think that she needs some counseling. Kinda like re-living those younger days again, whereas now she has the looks, whereas before she didn't. Honestly if I were you I would play the tough love routine. I give that advice often because it makes them face the consequences on what they are doing. There is no excuse for her cheating, period. Calmly talk to her, let her know you still love her and you want to goto Marriage counseling with her. However if she doesn't then let her know that you won't be dragged through the mud like this and move on. If you continue to play her game she'll keep making it worse. Right now she knows she can come back anytime, so why not have fun in the meantime? Alot of this is her immaturity and as long as you roll over & piddle she'll continue to disrespect you.
anna13 Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I'm sorry you are going through what you are , I know how it feels to be in a sureal after world. she says no guarentees that she will be back with you ? that sounds like she doesnt want to lose you she just wants to go out to test the waters out there, I think she is insecure with herself especially if she is asking you if she still looks good why would she care what you think if it was all about the other man ? ... . the advice I would tell you is that no matter the pain you have inside you have to try to find away to not let her see it. in fact make it a point to show her that you are moving on , meaning your going to go out with your friends stay out later , and when she knows you know she is coming home for a little bit make it a point to leave and say you got things to do , and dont explain. maybe it will open her eyes a little bit. If she feels that you will be there for her no matter what she will continue what she is doing cause she has nothing to lose. that is just what i got in my head right off the bat when I read your post . continue to come here and get support from us. hold your head up high . I know it hurts but try .
Author juk Posted November 2, 2006 Author Posted November 2, 2006 Thank's so much for your replies. You know your right it is down to being immature. She is a 33 year old married mum, now she thinks she's 18 again and all she wants to do is go clubbing now were not together. Nothing wrong with going out now and then but when you got kids your supposed to grow up. You are dead right about her knowing she can come back when she wants, so im going to be strong and make out im moving on with my life (easier said then done) i hope to god that she see's sense and we can work it out. It's not fair on me that in her words "make sure that i want to spend the rest of my life with you" so she can play the field for a while and then decide? Its just so difficult for me to be abrupt with her when she makes contact, as when i hear her voice i instantly feel good. I know i have to be stronger but shes got me round her little finger, i never used to be like this, she has taken alot of my self confidence away from me. Wow i was typing this and she just rang so i just told her i was busy right now and she went mad, "what do u mean your busy? talk to me? you dont care now is that it?" That was really tough to do but maybe now ive pushed her further away, for god sake im so confused, shall i ring her back?
LakesideDream Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Sadly Juk, it may not get better. I was divorced from my long cheating wife six years ago. I hated her for the first 5 years or so. Every morning I would wake up and give myself a certain time to "hate". At first it was an hour. Later a half hour, finally 15 minutes or so. The daily "hate" continued until I just forgot to do it (I didn't care anymore). Don't get me wrong. When the subject comes up.. (the ex) I can still work up a good hate. It just doesen't come up often.
jmargel Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Thank's so much for your replies. You know your right it is down to being immature. She is a 33 year old married mum, now she thinks she's 18 again and all she wants to do is go clubbing now were not together. Nothing wrong with going out now and then but when you got kids your supposed to grow up. You are dead right about her knowing she can come back when she wants, so im going to be strong and make out im moving on with my life (easier said then done) i hope to god that she see's sense and we can work it out. It's not fair on me that in her words "make sure that i want to spend the rest of my life with you" so she can play the field for a while and then decide? Its just so difficult for me to be abrupt with her when she makes contact, as when i hear her voice i instantly feel good. I know i have to be stronger but shes got me round her little finger, i never used to be like this, she has taken alot of my self confidence away from me. Wow i was typing this and she just rang so i just told her i was busy right now and she went mad, "what do u mean your busy? talk to me? you dont care now is that it?" That was really tough to do but maybe now ive pushed her further away, for god sake im so confused, shall i ring her back? See, now you are catching on. This is what a child does when the mother doesn't give it attention right away. The child will start crying or acting up. Definetly call her back. If she asks about why you didnt talk the first time, just let her know that you were busy at that time, and then let it drop. Things like that are now making her think. If she asks stuff like 'you don't care do you?'. Tell her you do but you need to talk with her one on one. Talk to her about counseling and how you believe you both need it. When talking to her don't place blame on her, or try not to get her into a defensive state. If she starts laying blanket statements on you or getting hostile tell her 'Im not going to talk to you until you calm down some, we'll finish this later' then say goodbye. Let her know that this is now going to be on your terms. Give her a path to follow. Definition of insantity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results. Don't fall for her puppy dog eyes or anything she knows that will pull your heart strings. This isn't a game. Just remember there is a difference between tough love & being harsh. If she says she loves you, reply back with the same. However don't say it first, don't beg or grovel. It's time to put confidence back into yourself, while she needs to deal with her maturity issues.
Gunny376 Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 You're getting some really good advice here from all that's posted here. I'm a retired United States Marine, and before a Marine gets deployed to a combat zone they train and train like no other, trying to cover every possible contingencey, and then they do it all over again. They do it in the early morning, they do it at high noon, they train in the evening, they train at night, they train with two hours sleep after having gone days without sleep, food, and being exposed to the elements. My point? That all washes out the window, as soon as you're in country. That's when the "vet" comes over and tells you, "You need this, this and that, you don't need this, this and that, you need to do this, and you need to do that, and when I do this or that ~ then you need to be on my cue like ugly on a ape? The peopel that are posting here, have or are going through what you're going through. They're the vets. This isn't some talk show host, nor some 'pop-pyscholgist" We've been drug through the mud the blood and the beer. Kissing her azz isn't going to bring her back. If crying couldn't make her stay ~ it sure as Hell isn't going to bring her back. Flowers, long love letters, begging, pleading, lamenting that you've changed or will change ~ none of that will work. A lot of the problem just simply isn' t you! Its her, and her own insecurties and immaturty. And, therefore there's nothing that you can do about it ~ and Brother I mean nothing. Sure part of it is the "Ugly Duckling" syndrone, indeed that is part of it. Another part of it is "hormonal" and what I mean by that is that most women don't reach their sexual peak until their in the their thirties. For instance its a fact that the nerve endings around a women's vagina isn't fully developed until they're in their thrities ~ now tie that in with their biological clock ticking (regardless of how many children they've had or haven't had) and you've got a dangerous cocktail. So it one part hormonal (for the record men can be and are just as much a slave to their hormones as women are ~ so lets not get into that debate) its one part socialogical, and its one part physological. None of which you have control over, and none of which you can do anything about. You're best course of action No. # 1 is to dump her and move on with your life. Oh! Forgot! Your in love with her. Well that's bio-chemical as well, but I won't get into all of that for the moment. Except to say that brain scans have proven that being in love is much akined to being addicted and similar to the same brain scans as people that suffer from Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder, ( Ref: National Geographic Feb 2006, and the book "Brain Sex") With that having been said, be and stay balanced. Get and keep control of your emotions. If your not in control of your emotions ~ they're in control of you. Search on LS for my post and find "tha' list" from "DivorceBusters. Print them out and read them as many times a day as necessary to get them permantely imprinted into your deluxe brain housing group! No begging and no pleading, no crying and no whinning ~ just let her go. But let her know that if she wants this relationship that she's got to earn your love and respect back, and that there's a price of admission to get back into your heart, your life, and your marriage. And that ~ that is a long and narrow road, that gets longer and narrower as time goes by. She's got it in her mind that she's got the supply and you've got the demand ~ you've got to flip that. You're the one with the supply and she's the one with the demand. And if she's not in the market for your goods and what you've got, someone else is. And, that's a damn fact. What one would abuse ~ another could certainly use. I was where your at sixteen years ago. Now? I look at women, and I think what have you got to offer me? What are you bringing to the table that I can't get just as good as, if not better, just as much as if not more? What have you got to offer me besides a $6.50 an hour job work at the 7/11, a car load of youngin's by another man that isn't paying child support, and a drawer full of bills. What are you bringing to the table besides a nice body, and a smiling made up face? What have you got to offer me that the other three point 5 BILLION other women on the planet have to offer me? One of the most prolific things I've ever read was written on the walls of a bathroom where I was a supervisor of work-release inmates. It said, "Don't be a weak-minded ****** (You'll have to use your imagination) I had a one of those moments with that statement ~ and its so true! Don't be weak-minded! The keys to this you hold in your own hand, you can set yourself free at any moment! The choice is yours! The time, effort, energy, money you would expend on getting this one back would net you ten others. Is it really worth it?
dropdeadlegs Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I know it sucks to be where you are at. To my knowledge I have never been cheated on in marriage. At least not in the physical sense, but I did experience a perceived mental cheating once. That's another story. My current boyfriend was cheated on by his only wife. I can only offer his experiences. I think their daughter was 3 or 4 at the time. He tried to forgive his wife, but says it was very hard. Every time she went out alone, to the store or to run an errand of some sort, he was worried that she was gone too long. He was worried that she was with "him." It tore him apart and they separated. He lived alone. He desperately missed his daughter running up to him when he returned from work, showing all the affection the world had denied him throughout the day. He was miserable most of the time. His wife eventually (after a relationship with the man that she cheated with) wanted to reconcile, stating they needed to "work out their problems." He had maintained a no begging, no pleading philosophy throughout their separation. That is referred to here as no contact, or NC. And he grew strong and realized that he was actually better off without his wife during this time. He didn't feel he could ever trust her again with his heart. He had more money, even considering child support payments. His finances were in better order because he was handling them himself while she had been handling them before. He told hi wife that he had worked out any problems HE had. In time he found other women found him very desirable exactly as he was. He diligently spent his every other weekend visitations devoted solely to his daughter, anything else, including his girlfriend at the time, took second place. Today his daughter spends every weekend with him and would probably choose to live with him, except her school would change. She is now 17. And he is in a very loving relationship with yours truly. We do not live together but adore each others company and spend the time our separate lives allow together. We are happy together, not that we haven't had bad moments. But they were MOMENTS. (And one of mine brought me here to LS.) This is not advice, just one man's story in his girlfriends words. You are hurting and rightly so, but hurting doesn't mean the end of one's future happiness. I have learned that through my own relationshup tribulationships. In my first marriage I was the one who wanted out, in my second marriage I was blindsided, although further reflection tells me I was simply blind. You may very well be able to reconcile with your wife, but the journey may be difficult. I want to offer you nothing but hope, however your situation works out.
Guest Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 shw might be due for a date with Mr. Rebound. You better act fast buddy; no hesitation and no bull****. Sounds like she listening to Molly Hatchet and is driving down that road and flirtin' with disaster. Best of luck and keep in touch. ~J
Author juk Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 Thank you all again for your kind words of wisdom. Just an update on the situation: We have had a heart to heart on the phone today without the arguing. She told me that we want different things out of life now and she cant give me the family life that i crave. She told me that the person that she has become is selfish because she has had to do that for herself. I told her that going on about what bar or nightclub your going to at the weekend or what your hair looks like (and that is the only conversation you can get out of her lately) is selfish and immature. She said that is the person she has become and needs to see if that is what she is missing in her life and not to wait for her as it would not be fair on me (of course once she goes down that road that will be it between us in my eyes) Looks like married family life was not for her, maybe she got bored, heck im not boring but im not obsessed with myself or talking about what bars or clubs to go to at the weekend (done all that in my teens and twenties) It's heart breaking to see someone you love begin the path of destroying themselves ( i mean if she starts to sleep around what will respectable people and her family think?) We have a 2 year old son, i told her he should be her priority, she said he was but still has this urge for getting out and having fun. It isnt like she has missed out, she was a party girl in her twenties maybe that never went away in her and she never really grew up. I have a really big issue now with how to cope with people that know us as the "happy married couple always smiling with their little boy" To my wife becoming a weekend girl down the bars sleeping around, how do you cope with that? She wasnt "loose" when i met her quite the opposite but i can 100% see that is what she wants to be, because she is craving the attention. I have to face up to it, be a man i guess, and let her go, this is going to be a real tough time. thanks again for listening.
jmargel Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 She hasn't hit bottom yet, she will one day when she wakes up, looks around and sees that everything is gone. All her party friends have wised up and now acting like adults, while you have moved on with your son. IMO if people ask where she is just say 'She has decided that married life is not for her right now, so it's just me & my son'. Nothing you can do at this point. She has to want to change and she doesn't. Next time she starts talking about the bars or partying just say 'I don't care to hear about any of that', then just say goodbye. Make her face the consequences and even though she says 'Don't wait around', she expects you too. I would go as far with her as talking about divorce proceedings. I think if anything would wake her up, that would be it.
Gunny376 Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 She hasn't hit bottom yet, she will one day when she wakes up, looks around and sees that everything is gone. All her party friends have wised up and now acting like adults, while you have moved on with your son. IMO if people ask where she is just say 'She has decided that married life is not for her right now, so it's just me & my son'. Nothing you can do at this point. She has to want to change and she doesn't. Next time she starts talking about the bars or partying just say 'I don't care to hear about any of that', then just say goodbye. Make her face the consequences and even though she says 'Don't wait around', she expects you too. I would go as far with her as talking about divorce proceedings. I think if anything would wake her up, that would be it. Vets know Vets. She's wanting her cake and eat it to. (aka ~ immaturity ~ in-security) Dump this woman and get on with living your life. You can do better, you deserve better. When I went through this with the XW sixteen years ago, I was trying to get her to understand, that yea its hard! We're still in the starting out part. We can play now ~ and pay later, or we can pay now and play later. Live life like no one else does ~ and then later your can live life like others don't. Now? I'm retired from the Marines, got all the bennies, making more money than I've ever made, got a sweet low stress, no stress easy job, working for and with people that smile, and laugh, and cut up. I'm not where I want nor need to be (although fast approaching that point) but the investment of time, effort, energy I made in my youth is starting to pay off in spades ~ and its all gravy, nothing but pure gravy! Its all good. I went through some hard and tough times in the Corps, but because of it, I'll always have a roof over my head, food to eat, medical and dental. The nut I've got to crack each month to pay my bills is only about $500 over my retirement check. I tell you this, not to brag ~ but to share with you where I was at when I was 33 and the XW (party girl) was 35. Now? She's the 51 y/o lunchroom lady living in a trailer, driving a used car. Who we are tomorrow depends upon the choices we make today. Cut your losses and move on and forward with your life. There's no shortage of good women who are looking for and appreciate what you've got to offer. The time to get real about your life is right here and right now~!
ilmw Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Welcome juk... As you probably have already seen from your own thread.. you have come to the right place.... Keep coming back and posting.. as it will help you get through this (difficult time)..... so many of us are going through... or have gone through this... so allot of us can relate to you... and you can learn what not and what to do.... Maybe not right now... but it will get easier... I was wear you are back in the spring... lost... confused... broken... but from reading many books.. personal reflection and growth... and LS ( ) I am at a level that I have never been at in my entire life... Now is the time to learn... grow... get proactive... k take care ilmw
Author juk Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 Just to give you an update and hoping i could have some more words of advice, it's really helping me to get through this. Well i have tried the NC and boy it's easier said then done. We have a little boy so it makes it very difficult to not talk. Anyhow we seemed to have made some (in her words) "progress" we have spent some time together with our little boy and had a meal together at my house and got on just fine. The heart renching thing is the coldness i get from her, i mean if i try (without being pushy) a cuddle it's like theres no response from her just a quick soft hug that has no feelings at all. She however does most of the phone calls to me and it's not just about our little boy it's just idol chat which makes me think she still wants to know me. She still wears our wedding ring and when i asked her why (in a nice way) she said because that's the finger the ring always goes on (was hoping she'd say because we are still married) She want's me out of the house once i can find somewhere to rent as she needs to decide if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and the only way she can do it is live on her own for a while. Since she has left she has been living at her mum's so had loads of fussing over her so she really hasn't experienced what i have over the last month living on my own. I have tried and tried to get her out of my head but my love is so intense for her still and my son that it's making me still very ill because of the rejection. Tonight she came to our house and we had dinner together, i played with my son it was a fantastic night. But as soon as i mention "us" she just says "who knows what the future holds, we might get back together we might not, you have to make your own life now and see what happens because if we get back together then great but if we don't at least you are strong" Is that just a way of letting me down gently? I get signs from her that make me think its going to be OK then she says stuff like that and it really hurts. I'm just as confused as the day she left, i could tell her only talk to me if it's about our son but im scared she will think well if thats your attitude then sod you im not even going to try. Sorry to sound like a whingher but this is the hardest and most difficult thing i have ever had to go through in my life.
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