Pearls of wisdom?

[Guest]

Hi there,

 

Long story short... Going through a slow painful seperation (although hubby says he wants to move out but doesnt follow up with any action). I have been trying to adhere to these rules as much as possible:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

 

etc etc.....

 

And whilst I am doing this he seems happy to remain. I found out this morning that he has been lying to me about his whereabouts and has even asked a friend of his to aid in his lies (no other women are involved - he just didnt want me to know he was up the road at his mates house). wtf??? I dont even ring him anymore!

 

I am really angry and I feel like just telling him to get lost. Infact - I kinda have. But surely, whilst its all well and good adhering to the divorce-busting rules above, surely I should expect to at least not be lied to? Am i wrong in reacting badly to finding out this news? I dont hassle him, follow him, ask him invasive questions - yet he still feels the need to lie to me? I just lost it this morning with him. I didn't yell or cry - I just told him what I knew. He lay there and looked at me without saying much. I feel really disrespected and rather foolish. Any ideas?

 

I've been lurking on this site for a few months now and some of the advice that is forthcoming is absolutely amazing and spot on. infact, I am sure that if it wasnt for you guys i wouldn't have made it through some days!! So I also want to take this opp to say thanks - this is one hell of a site.

 

 

x

[dgiirl]

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job! It takes a lot of strength to be able to do all of that. I know I didnt do very well until it was too late.

 

As for him lying. By the sounds of it, I personally think you did a good job. There's a thin line between not pushing and demanding him to be in this relationship, and at the same time, standing up for what you believe. Him lying to you is disrespectful, and i think it's important to tell him that is not tolerated, while at the same time, keeping your cool.

 

Another good book you might want to read is "Love must be tough" and the stuff over at marriage builders website. The general idea is to show him the benefits of staying with you for a few months, and then pulling yourself out completely from the situation. You do need to keep your backbone and stand up for your own rights. If you back down and let him do anything to you, he'll continue to do it, and will eventually lose respect for _you_ and wont want to come back either. This is why it's a very delicate line. Not pushing him away with your anger, and not letting him lose respect for you.

[Gunny376]

Marriagebuilders aside for the moment ~ he's dis-respecting you, and you don't and shouldn't put up with it. This is where you need to draw the line in the sand and just flat out tell him where he goes and what he does is ultimately up to him (that can be good and bad choices) and that you've all that aside you will not stand for being a doormat and being disrepcted.

 

If you can't or don't want to tell the truth ~ then keep your damn mouth shut, and simply say nothing. But don't be dis-respectful of me and playing me for a fool! Don't put up with it and don't stand for it. Its intolerable!

[FlyingHigh]

AND while you're doing your best to adhere to your list, start using reverse psychology on him.

 

1. Look your best whenever you see him. You want him to see what he's about to lose. In other words, "work it". Look like a knock out without looking like you're trying too hard.

 

2. Don't make yourself too available. If he calls, let it kick in to your voice mail/recorder. Don't call right away. Make him wonder a little about your whereabouts.

 

3. Treat/pamper yourself. Do things that you wouldn't normally without him.

 

Most women won't go to dinner on Saturday nights alone because they feel embarassed of being perceived lonely and alone. But, hey, for all they know, you're on a business trip. I did. I went to Mediterranean restaurant in my home town, sat outside, had a glass of wine, watched people and met a nice elderly couple next to me. It was no big deal! I plan on doing it again this weekend. I'm going to try a different restaurant which I love to do.

 

4. When you're feeling in the dumps, call an old friend and reconnect, or just come here and vent out. Just don't change your thread otherwise you'll lose continuity with us.

 

5. Reinvent or revamp yourself. You might surprise yourself and decide you don't want him, after all. Hello!

 

Good luck.

[FlyingHigh]

Marriagebuilders aside for the moment ~ he's dis-respecting you, and you don't and shouldn't put up with it. This is where you need to draw the line in the sand and just flat out tell him where he goes and what he does is ultimately up to him (that can be good and bad choices) and that you've all that aside you will not stand for being a doormat and being disrepcted.

 

If you can't or don't want to tell the truth ~ then keep your damn mouth shut, and simply say nothing. But don't be dis-respectful of me and playing me for a fool! Don't put up with it and don't stand for it. Its intolerable!

Gunny,

 

I like your no-nonesense approach.

 

But like a lot of people on this site blinded by love, lust, desperation to hold on, infatuation, yada-yada-yada, no amount of 2x4 of keyboard pounding from us is going to do it. They have to experience the "fall" or reach their maximum force of pain until they "decide" to cut their losses and move on.

 

I agree with you to some respect. The problem with giving ultimatum is that you have to be willing to follow through. This is where Guest has a problem:

I am really angry and I feel like just telling him to get lost. Infact - I kinda have.

She can't give anymore ultimatum unless she'll follow through with it. And as long as she wants to hang on, ultimatums will only backfire.

[Guest]

Gunny,

She can't give anymore ultimatum unless she'll follow through with it. And as long as she wants to hang on, ultimatums will only backfire.

 

 

Thanks for the comments ya'll. Yeah, giving an ultimatum was the last thing i wanted but it just came out in the heat of it. im fed up i guess.

 

Obviously it doesnt take one person to ruin a marriage, normally blame is to be had on both sides right? There have been times during the first 2 years where i have let him down.

 

But right now he's only here as a shell in this house and reserves all his conversation and energy for his mates. he's broke and i've been paying the rent and most of the bills over the last few months. I was alright with this situ because i love him - he's my husband! i wanted him to clear his debt (sidenote: despite being married for 3 years we have kept finances mostly separate for reasons proved true).

 

Through the past year i've watched my hubby change or fade away as it were. There was a time when he was really wonderful. A kind intelligent man. i cant remember the last time we even kissed. i'm a (reasonably!) successful woman working in London central, 30, attractive and fit (we don't have kids). I make an effort to look nice for him. Have even tried to seduce him recently and got knocked back - very embarrassing! (and surely thats an emotion that shouldnt occur between hubby and wife!?)

 

*sigh Im totally fed up. I guess i've just had enough but i'm so scared to leave him for lots of reasons. I dont want to "fail" this committment, i dont want to disappoint the family (cosa nostra!) and most importantly i dont want to be without him. and i dont want to screw him financially - hes really in debt and i'm not. Its awful making a decision to leave someone you love or not but this just isnt healthy anymore and i dont know what else to do. has anyone ever called bluff? i'm considering ordering divorce papers (online) just to shake him up - but does that then make me just as deceiving?

as much as i hate to admit it, love is not enough. do i hang in there or give up? I feel really stuck.

[Gunny376]

Thanks for the comments ya'll. Yeah, giving an ultimatum was the last thing i wanted but it just came out in the heat of it. im fed up i guess.

 

Obviously it doesnt take one person to ruin a marriage, normally blame is to be had on both sides right? There have been times during the first 2 years where i have let him down.

 

But right now he's only here as a shell in this house and reserves all his conversation and energy for his mates. he's broke and i've been paying the rent and most of the bills over the last few months. I was alright with this situ because i love him - he's my husband! i wanted him to clear his debt (sidenote: despite being married for 3 years we have kept finances mostly separate for reasons proved true).

 

Through the past year i've watched my hubby change or fade away as it were. There was a time when he was really wonderful. A kind intelligent man. i cant remember the last time we even kissed. i'm a (reasonably!) successful woman working in London central, 30, attractive and fit (we don't have kids). I make an effort to look nice for him. Have even tried to seduce him recently and got knocked back - very embarrassing! (and surely thats an emotion that shouldnt occur between hubby and wife!?)

 

*sigh Im totally fed up. I guess i've just had enough but i'm so scared to leave him for lots of reasons. I dont want to "fail" this committment, i dont want to disappoint the family (cosa nostra!) and most importantly i dont want to be without him. and i dont want to screw him financially - hes really in debt and i'm not. Its awful making a decision to leave someone you love or not but this just isnt healthy anymore and i dont know what else to do. has anyone ever called bluff? i'm considering ordering divorce papers (online) just to shake him up - but does that then make me just as deceiving?

as much as i hate to admit it, love is not enough. do i hang in there or give up? I feel really stuck.

 

If you need a miracle in your life get off your azz and create it! If there's something your needing in your life, go out and get it. The power to do so lies within yor hands. The reason Saint Michael isn't bailing your out of this mess is becuase He knows you've got what you need and takes to handle it yourself!

[a4a]

If you need a miracle in your life get off your azz and create it! If there's something your needing in your life, go out and get it. The power to do so lies within yor hands. The reason Saint Michael isn't bailing your out of this mess is becuase He knows you've got what you need and takes to handle it yourself!

 

Holy shyte if those are not the words I live by!!!

 

exception of the Saint stuff. for me personally.

 

Gunny you got it! BAM!

[Guest]

If you need a miracle in your life get off your azz and create it! If there's something your needing in your life, go out and get it. The power to do so lies within yor hands. The reason Saint Michael isn't bailing your out of this mess is becuase He knows you've got what you need and takes to handle it yourself!

 

The "miracle" I want is to be happy. How do I create that? By leaving him and hope he comes back, or I can be happy on my own. Sounds simple huh!

 

Big but coming... even though he treats me with so much disdain and contempt - I can't leave him because he will be 100% screwed with cash. How can I do that to him? He has nowhere else to go (although he does seem to have a million friends that I don't know about). He keeps threatening to leave and then doesnt. Why??? I try and say what I mean and mean what I say but i know its not easy. Still, i think he should err on the side of caution when throwing those kinds of threats about.

 

He is showing absolutely no interest in wanting to reconcile (and worse, hes invited his mother to come and stay with us on Monday - thats a form of torture unto itself). He says "i need time". OK fair enough. I've tried to do that over the last few months. And now my thoughts are turning inwards - "what about meeee?" i want to shout. He told me last night that no-one would ever love me. That hurt and was totally unneccessary. He also told me a few days ago that he doesnt want to make love with me either (its been about 4 months now). I mean its OBVIOUS right? Its obvious he doesnt want to make love - because he HASNT made love - why does he feel the need to shove that down my throat? (no pun intended)

 

Being ignored has got to be one of the loneliest sensations in the world. I feel like i am stuck between two nasty scenarios. Neither of which are appealing right now.

[ilmw]

Holy shyte if those are not the words I live by!!!

 

exception of the Saint stuff. for me personally.

 

Gunny you got it! BAM!

 

There good words to live by...