GiveHimAChance Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I've got a delima. I met a guy online and have talked twice to him over the phone. There's already a huge list of "red" flags. 1) he works the night shift. Although it's a job, he's basically up when every one's asleep, and asleep when everyone's up. 2) he has a daugther who he doesnt live with and in fact lives very far from him 3) he lives in his parents basement apartment 4) he has a criminal record that he doesnt want to get into just yet, but reassures me it's nothing serious and he was falsely accused 5) he's divorced On top of all this, we barely have anything in common. And talking with him over the phone has been difficult. He has a bit of social awkwardness. I hate to cut the guy down, but he's either really nervous and trying way way too hard, or this is his personality and there's no click. He's already complimented me twice over the phone already, and although the gesture is sweet, the compliment comes out very forced and not natural. I feel like crap for judging him so soon and I'm in a bit of a difficult spot. He wants to meet up for coffee. I agreed at first, but after our second conversation, I think I should change my mind. He's already showing signs of over-eagerness and it's making me uncomfortable. I know he's the type to keep calling unless I'm very direct, and yet I dont know how to be direct without it sounding mean. "Although we've talked twice, I dont want to hear from you again?". Sounds kind of harsh Should I meet him for coffee and then ditch him or ditch him b4 coffee? And how do I do it without being too mean?
luvtoto Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I've done enough casual dating to know that it doesn't sound like things will work between you two. He's just not what you are lookin' for. so, which scenario sounds better to you?? You going for coffee with him and feeling uncomfortably-uncomfortable the whole time?? Then, ditch him at a later date. Or You telling him in advance that you just aren't feeling a connection, and cancel the date?? Done.. over with. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind. Don't put his feelings before your own. You don't owe him anything at this point. I think this is probably your own intuition warning you.
GiveHimAChance Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 There is nothing wrong with changing your mind. Don't put his feelings before your own. You don't owe him anything at this point. I think this is probably your own intuition warning you. Thanks luvtoto. This is one of my problems. I never know the best way of wording things without hurting people. I'm also not sure if it's my own intuition or I'm just scared to get close to someone. I always empathize with those guys who complain that women dont give them a chance and I feel bad and just wonder if things would get better if I did give him a chance. But I realize even if it wasnt for his social awkwardness, all the things I've listed already are important to me, and having them all add up in one package, I wouldnt be giving him a chance. I just dont know how to let him down? The chicken way is via email, but i think that's probably the easiest way for me.
luvtoto Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 The chicken way is via email, but i think that's probably the easiest way for me. Haha! I've done that before. I am not that direct or forward either. But, have been on a couple dates were I wished I would've cancelled before hand. So, just do what you feels right to you. If he has a problem with that then...well, that oughta tell you something.
melodymatters Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 This is an easy one. If you've only met him online so far and feel no connection, be really sweet on the phone or online and tell him you met somone in PERSON ( your sisters Bf's best friend, a guy from work etc) and your a one woman guy, and you REALLY want to give this a chance, and it was So great talking to him and you wish him well. No ones ego can be bruised for being dumped for a "real life" guy when they've only been an e-mail/phone guy
Guest Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 There's already a huge list of "red" flags. On top of all this, we barely have anything in common. Plenty of reason to not give him a 'chance'. I know he's the type to keep calling unless I'm very direct, and yet I dont know how to be direct without it sounding mean. Simply say 'based on our discussions so far, we have too little in common to make a go of it. I hope you find someone who suits you much better'. And then don't continue the conversation - say you have to go someplace or something. Should I meet him for coffee and then ditch him or ditch him b4 coffee? And how do I do it without being too mean? Don't meet him at all. If he's that eager and that socially inept, he's potentially one of those guys you cannot get rid of.
fishtaco Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Sure, ditch him. Guys get ditched all the time, even ones without criminal records and are relatively normal. If a guy can't get used to that, he better stay out of the dating scene. But just have the etiquette to let him know he's being ditched. So many women would just disappear. That's lame.
shawn_68 Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Should I meet him for coffee and then ditch him or ditch him b4 coffee? And how do I do it without being too mean? I'm not sure I've seen much from your post about him being "needy" or too much of a "nice guy." Although he did compliment you twice. Is THAT needy? He does sound socially challenged if you will. And there are other things that are not desirable. Anyway, part of dating is choosing the person that you want to spend your time with. If you're sure about your decision, there is no reason to go for coffee. I think the best policy is to be honest with him. You're, apparently, not compatible. If he asks for reasons, which I doubt, just tell him the reasons that you've given above. If you're honest in these things, you'll be much more likely to be honest later on in a meaningful relationship about other things.
GiveHimAChance Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Ok, email sent. I dont believe in telling white lies and making up a "new" guy or disappearing without notice. I've got burned on that in my youth and learned my lesson to just be upfront and honest. shawn_68, it's not the compliments specifically, it's how and when they came out. Plus the way he asked things. It was just socially awkward. Too polite. Too eager. I dont know how to explain it. On top of that, he hogged most of the conversation and barely let me finish sentences before he started to talk again. He was probably nervous or anxious but it's scarying me away. And on top of that, he's got all these other indesirable traits. I think I was just feeling guilty for not giving him a chance due to his awkwardness, but truth be told, I wouldnt have given him a chance with those other traits. And I wouldnt have felt guilty at all. We'll see how things go... Hopefully his criminal record did not involve stalking
Rooster_DAR Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I've got a delima. I met a guy online and have talked twice to him over the phone. There's already a huge list of "red" flags. 1) he works the night shift. Although it's a job, he's basically up when every one's asleep, and asleep when everyone's up. 2) he has a daugther who he doesnt live with and in fact lives very far from him 3) he lives in his parents basement apartment 4) he has a criminal record that he doesnt want to get into just yet, but reassures me it's nothing serious and he was falsely accused 5) he's divorced On top of all this, we barely have anything in common. And talking with him over the phone has been difficult. He has a bit of social awkwardness. I hate to cut the guy down, but he's either really nervous and trying way way too hard, or this is his personality and there's no click. He's already complimented me twice over the phone already, and although the gesture is sweet, the compliment comes out very forced and not natural. I feel like crap for judging him so soon and I'm in a bit of a difficult spot. He wants to meet up for coffee. I agreed at first, but after our second conversation, I think I should change my mind. He's already showing signs of over-eagerness and it's making me uncomfortable. I know he's the type to keep calling unless I'm very direct, and yet I dont know how to be direct without it sounding mean. "Although we've talked twice, I dont want to hear from you again?". Sounds kind of harsh Should I meet him for coffee and then ditch him or ditch him b4 coffee? And how do I do it without being too mean? You had the answer to what you should do by all the negative comments you made about this guy in your original post. Just tell him your done and be done with it. Regards,
magichands Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 troll troll troll Oh come on...three trolls couldn't come up with anything this creative.
dgiirl Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 troll troll troll how a troll? unless you are the guy she's describing?
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