why are there a bunch of rules?

[remedylane]

Why do some of you rely on a lot of rules in dating and relationships? I don't get it. Why should love be this hard and this complicated and this silly? So what if a girl looks at you 10 times in one day, just go and talk to them! Why do we have to keep wondering whether they like us or not. So what if a girl doesn't give you her number or want to hang out with you at first, but then why would you two get together a couple months later?

 

So why all these rules? I just don't get it! lol We shouldn't have a bunch of little techniques to get into a relationship. I have a hard time believing these rules.

 

any comments?

[MuNky]

Maybe its fear: We are afraid to get hurt, so we follow "rules" to ensure safety from heartbreak. Or if you are not easily hurt, fear of wasting time & energy (or money if you have shoestring budget).

 

Sometimes "rules" could be the most effective/quickest method to reach what you want with that person: either marraige, getting laid, casual fling, long term, short term, friends-with-benefits, plutonic friend etc.

 

I know that last statement sounded harsh, but we are all basicaly selfish (in the beginning), as soon as you start caring what the other person feels, well that is called love. Then my first statement is in play.

 

IMHO, nice philosophy discussion on this forum, I would love to see other comments.

[DanielMadr]

Why do some of you rely on a lot of rules in dating and relationships? I don't get it. Why should love be this hard and this complicated and this silly? So what if a girl looks at you 10 times in one day, just go and talk to them! Why do we have to keep wondering whether they like us or not. So what if a girl doesn't give you her number or want to hang out with you at first, but then why would you two get together a couple months later?

 

So why all these rules? I just don't get it! lol We shouldn't have a bunch of little techniques to get into a relationship. I have a hard time believing these rules.

 

any comments?

 

You have to compensate for your excited emotions....tame them a little bit. It gives you at least some objective statements.

 

Ofcorse its refreshing when you meet someone who can bent his rules for you. Kiss on first date. Bongo bongo on second. Marriage on third....etc.

[Guest]

'Rules' are used by people who may be unsuccessful in relationships because they make bad choices or because they have issues they need to deal with but they prefer to blame their lack of success on 'technique' rather than look for real reasons. So they play by 'rules' that are promoted by 'seduction gurus' thinking their dating problems will magically be solved.

[skimmy]

I think the "rules" you mention are more like unwritten ones, like etiquette. What's considered normal, what's considered polite, etc. Like breaking up over a text message is kinda rude depending on the situation, or saying the L word right after sex is not a good idea, etc. I think these unwritten rules are based on a human instinctive agreement that we don't want to go out of our way to hurt people, but treat others well. Of course, rules are broken all the time, hence the necessity for forums like LS.

[Moai]

I think that it is more of a question of how humans interact.

 

There really are no "hard and fast" rules about anything as far as humans go, but there are certain things that humans respond similarly.

 

I think that when you are a youngster and are first becoming interested in the opposite sex, you "learn" what works and what doesn't as far as attracting others. Some learn faster or "better", and of course some haev more tools to work with, just like anything in life.

 

Any activity that humans engage in is learned to some extent, and you can improve yourself in all these areas. If you look at successful people and emulate them, you can be more successful yourself.

 

That said, everyone has their own hangups and needs and wants--that's why most people tend to go after the same kind of person, with the same results.

 

What makes the most sense to me is if you have confidence and treat yourself in the manner you want others to treat you, you will usually make the right move and you will have happy, healthy relationships. Or something close.

[remedylane]

I think the "rules" you mention are more like unwritten ones, like etiquette. What's considered normal, what's considered polite, etc. Like breaking up over a text message is kinda rude depending on the situation, or saying the L word right after sex is not a good idea, etc. I think these unwritten rules are based on a human instinctive agreement that we don't want to go out of our way to hurt people, but treat others well. Of course, rules are broken all the time, hence the necessity for forums like LS.

 

that's the thing, IMO, and I don't mean to offend or blame anyone here, but our western form of thinking is corrupt when it comes to love. I like to blame the media for this too because they encourage all these small rules and whatever with movies they put out and stuff like that.

 

Anyways, why should people believe in different things like if a guy is too nice he's not worth pursuing or if a guy has low confidence you should avoid him. That is just flat out RIDICULOUS imo. Seems like love for one another just doesn't exist much.

 

I just don't buy these rules. I have a hard time believing them.

[gfto]

When I was unattached, I had certain rules I followed in order to weed out women who were uninterested/serial daters, or had attitude problems, so that I wouldn't waste my time with them.

[IWalkAlone]

Women tend to look for certain qualities in a man and men tend to look for certain qaulities in a woman.

 

But since men and women think differently, many men and women don't intuitively know how to conduct themselves with the opposite sex to create the impression they'd like.

 

Do the "rules" are ways to create the impression & feelings we want.

[DanielMadr]

Women tend to look for certain qualities in a man and men tend to look for certain qaulities in a woman.

 

But since men and women think differently, many men and women don't intuitively know how to conduct themselves with the opposite sex to create the impression they'd like.

 

Do the "rules" are ways to create the impression & feelings we want.

 

Good explanation.

 

For example...Guy puting himself down is viewed as stronger by guys. It certainly doesnt work this way with girls.

[Guest]

We make use of 'the rules' because we're hoping that the collective wisdom of everyone's experience is going to help us do better than we've done on our own so far.

 

 

I think the "rules" you mention are more like unwritten ones, like etiquette. What's considered normal, what's considered polite, etc. Like breaking up over a text message is kinda rude depending on the situation, or saying the L word right after sex is not a good idea, etc. I think these unwritten rules are based on a human instinctive agreement that we don't want to go out of our way to hurt people, but treat others well. Of course, rules are broken all the time, hence the necessity for forums like LS.

[Island Girl]

Anyways, why should people believe in different things like if a guy is too nice he's not worth pursuing or if a guy has low confidence you should avoid him. That is just flat out RIDICULOUS imo.

 

I have never seen a "rule" that if a guy is too nice he's not worht pursuing. In fact it ALWAYS seems to be the opposite. --- But there is a misconception in the man's mind (sometimes) that nice means being a doormat.

Which is not generally attractive to any human being male or female.

 

While the nice doormat guy might be a great guy in a woman's head -- inside, where the primal stirring or attraction starts and lives, it feels unattractive even gross depending on how sickenly weak the man comes across.

 

The "rules" should be used as tools for those men and women out there who have problems maintaining a separate sense of self, healthy self-esteem, and tend to see another person as a need for them to feel whole. A healthy relationship is two people coming together because they want to be together not because they are looking for self-fulfillment, etc. or whatever is wrong in them to be fixed.

 

The "rules" should promote behavior that exudes self-confidence, etc. Hopefully by feeling what that is like those people can start gaining that perspective and come to the behavior naturally.

 

Seems like love for one another just doesn't exist much.

 

It exists. Rare yes. But it exists. Too often broken people are getting together all over the place and creating broken, twisted, needy, horrible, hurtful relationships.

 

But the healthy ones are out there too. You're just not going to hear so much about them because there generally is less (or no) DRAMA...

[Island Girl]

For example...Guy puting himself down is viewed as stronger by guys. It certainly doesnt work this way with girls.

 

I have always known men and women percieve situations, communications, etc. differently but I never knew about this one.

 

Perfect example.

 

Being a girl, I have always viewed this kind of self-efacing behavior as weak. I had no idea men view it as strength!

 

When a woman puts herself down it is viewed as weakness by other women as well. How do men view a woman putting herself down? --

[ilani]

i think people set "rules" or "boundries" to maintain some kind of consistency.

 

and when you start breaking your own rules for someone, it shows that you might like this person more than you thought you could.

[remedylane]

see the thing with all these rules is that they create too many expectations and way too much pressure on us. Why can't we just be ourselves regardless of how we act? If someone humbles themselves in front of women, why should women think those guys aren't worth it?

 

In all honesty I think society is not heading the right direction when it comes to these rules. They create way too many expectations.

 

I personally believe the reason why some of us think in terms of these rules is because we were fed these rules by our peers and by our media. So we start to carry them on and feed others with them and create more expectations and pressure. Why can't we just get rid of these rules and start thinking in a different pattern?

[CurvyGurl]

I have never seen a "rule" that if a guy is too nice he's not worht pursuing. In fact it ALWAYS seems to be the opposite. --- But there is a misconception in the man's mind (sometimes) that nice means being a doormat.

[\QUOTE]

 

Sometimes people say 'nice' when what they should say is 'doormat' or 'pushover' or 'weenie'. A man who lets a woman push him around and tell him how to dress and what to think is a weenie. A man who allows himself to be trampled over and doesn't demand respect for himself is a doormat. A man that won't stand up for himself won't stand up for you, either. A man who isn't strong enough to feel good about himself will likely seek your approval and use it to guage his self esteem-- making YOU his therapist. It's not a good idea to get involved with people who have a lot of self-work to do, unless you like 'build a boyfriend'.

 

"Rules" are set forth to help women especially mete out emotion and common sense. No matter how blissful iti is, some women just don't have the experience or the sense to not jump in head first into something. As well, sometimes women allow men to get away with uncouth or rude behavior. When we allow this, we teach peopel (men) how to treat us.

 

Some of the rules seem like more 'games' than a guideline on how to conduct ourselves. MOST of them come with a caveat to experience and what will work for you, and are based in common sense and decency. Every rule is bendable. It is not recommended to break them, unless you just have no use for them at all.

 

I prefer that a man is a gentleman. My rules are geared toward meeting and spending time with gentlemen. If you can't engage in chivalry and be a gentleman, I don't have time for you. My rules remind me of this, and keep me from settling or going overboard.