cutegirl Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Me and my bf used to live together but we've been fighting a lot so I've been on my own for the last couple of days. I checked my bank statement on-line and I noticed $500 missing that I don't recall withdrawing. So I asked my bf and he said he took it out to pay for his tickets he got. I gave him my pin a long time ago because he does the grocery shopping and buys food for us a lot but it's still my bank account. First of all his ticket doesn't cost $500, it cost around 200'something. Plus he never asked if he could take out $500, he just did it. Around two weeks ago he took out another $800 out of my account. What happened was that I agreed to let him borrow around $300 or so, but he just took out another $500 extra to spend it on something I don't agree with. He's paranoid, I think he has Paranoid Personality Disorder and he used it to buy a spy sweeper (to check if anyone implanted cameras or recording devices or tracking gps) on his car. And he also hired a detective to sweep his car personally. It's a long story but he was having problems at work and thought that someone was after him. He's not working right now so he's unemployed. He's staying at his moms house due to another fight we had that's unrelated to this. I was about to take him back until I just saw that money missing and it really made me angry. I kind of brought it on myself because I don't feel like I'm confident enough to date a guy who is successful and can support himself fully so I consciously go for a guy I have to support because I feel more in power this way. And it kind of backfired because this guy is a bit much of a mooch. Anyways, I find it totally disrespectful what he did. But in a way I'm weak too, I'm not rich but I make money and sometimes I feel like I'd rather lose a few grand and have him than be completely on my own. I'm really attached to him. I don't talk to my family and don't have any friends barely, it's like he's all I have so I'm really used to him.
tikigods Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 First change your pin. What he is doing isn't right at all, its not like he went and got some food, he is taking big sums of cash from you, and even more so without asking, heck I don't even buy things over 100 dollars without talking to my husband first! You need to get the backbone to break up with him cause this isn't fair to you
MadDog Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Boy friend who's unemployed + takes money from your account without asking = very dumpable dude. Dump his ass! What are you waiting for? MD
riobikini Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 re: CuteGirl: ... I was about to take him back until I just saw that money missing and it really made me angry. I kind of brought it on myself because I don't feel like I'm confident enough to date a guy who is successful and can support himself fully so I consciously go for a guy I have to support because I feel more in power this way. And it kind of backfired because this guy is a bit much of a mooch. " Girls like you (kind, generous -but thinking they have to "give up" something to remain in a "comfort zone") are gems for guys who *don't care* who they hurt, or take from. And let's call what your bf did what it really is: it's stealing -whether it's stealing your money, your time, or your heart- it's wrong of anyone to take advantage of your weaknesses to benefit from them -besides not caring about you, too boot. Still, you offered the opportunity to him, practically, on a silver platter. In a very real sense, you are robbing yourself. It's sad for anyone to feel the way you do about yourself: that you have to reach for the rotten apples in order to feel in "control". It *could* be looked at, as *you* taking advantage of their weaknesses, if one was insane enough to twist it to that extent. One eye-opening perspective is that, in choosing the rotten apples, it only places you *slightly* above them, because, with your need for dominance steering you and driving your choices, no one really has to do -or be- very much in regards to character, in order to make them appear attractive to you. You're voluntarily lowering personal standards that you may have developed and recognize as ideal to achieve a level of "ease" for *some* reason. And that creates a kind of conflict for you, -one where you never win the boxing match because you opt for the easier route and allow your appetite (your need) for power to be "fed". Whatever it is that's causing you to seek power at the expense of your personal wealth, and the suppression of a more balanced *you* in your relationship(s) should be the deeper query, here. Until it's dealt with, it's only going to continue to be a problem for you and the relationships you form will continue to always feel "contrived" -and for the most part- unfulfilling, as well as probably turn out, at the least, disappointing -right before the almost always expected exit. I'm all for changing your pin number -but I'm also urging more change- change that you already *know* is needed. Take care. -Rio
littlekitty Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 He stole your money plain and simple. My SO has my PIN number, I've given it several times to him. This doesn't however mean he's at liberty to just help himself to wads of my cash whenever he so choses. Doing so would be stealing, and I can not imagine that he would ever even consider taking money without my knowledge and ok. I'd be dumping this guys ass and be asking him to repay the money he stole from me.
Walk Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 My ex drained my bank account twice the last year we were together. He said it was to "pay bills", but amazingly the bills never got paid. $4000 bucks that I'd busted my ass for and he blew it on stupid stuff. Things we didn't need.. HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I blew my top. And that was the end of the relationship. I'll give someone my last dollar, and the shirt off my back if they need it, but ASK first. I don't tolerate strangers stealing from me, why would I tolerate it from the person closest to me?? hell, it's worse when it's the person close to you. Dump him, and don't ever talk to him again.
Island Girl Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 With the money that he took from you, you could have easily enrolled in some classes, art classes or whatever your into -- you could have taken some dance lessons, whatever. My point is you could have done something for yourself where you could possibly meet people and have fun at the same time with $1300.00 of your own money. You can not be seriously pondering taking someone back who did this to you. I know you say that you choose a guy you have to support so you can feel more empowered. Have you thought about the fact that this is a guy who chooses girls he can take advantage of, walk over for his own gain, who has no respect for you, and doesn't see the relationship with you as valuable? He is out for what he can get while he can get it. Expect a lot more of the same until you come to your senses and dump his a**!
Art_Critic Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 He stole your money plain and simple. right on...He has stolen money from you.. no different than if he lifted it right out of your purse.. you are NOT married so your money is not his. Change your pin.. take your card away from him and DUMP HIM.. guys like that ( users ) are a dime a dozen..
jerbear Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Taking money for tickets and personal sweeps of a car while unemployed would mean he will still be unemployed. Feeling empowered due to being a provider is not going to help you in the long run. Being somewhat dependent on each other is ok but when one is slacking off and mooching it is another issue. I feel the first action item for you is to change the pin; then change the locks on your heart and then your home. I had my share of a gf using to much and I put a limit on a card; she was not happy but I said it had to be done to control the expenses.
riobikini Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 re: Jerbear: " Feeling empowered due to being a provider is not going to help you in the long run. Being somewhat dependent on each other is ok but when one is slacking off and mooching it is another issue." Same feelings, here. In addition to that, I raise eyebrows in most relationships where *only* one of the partners are "providers" (bill-payers). Much too often, I see (esp. younger folks) in relationships where the bf practically lives 24/7 at the home of the gf -but never buys so much as a tube of toothpaste or a loaf of bread. I think it's a two-way street and, although, some men still believe it's "their place" to be the primary provider (commendable, btw, if you can afford to) tradition *can* get out of hand and overtstep boundaries, sometimes, and create a situation where only one partner carries all the financial burden and the other winds up resting on his/her sorry behind too much of the time. I realize there are relationships out there where the partners have made the decision to live on only one income -but aside from these- it's the lop-sided relationships that become abusive in regards to who winds up always paying the bills that makes me shake my head in wonder over *why* they allow it. -Rio
Buttaflyy Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 No, it is unforgivable. He's a theif. Get rid of him!
hindsfeet Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 instead of just dumping him, you should at lease try to get something back from him first. if you dump him, you'll prob never get your money back unless he used your card number over phone then you can possibly have bank press charges for him using your card .
Buttaflyy Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 instead of just dumping him, you should at lease try to get something back from him first. if you dump him, you'll prob never get your money back unless he used your card number over phone then you can possibly have bank press charges for him using your card . Then she should sue him.
Art_Critic Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 instead of just dumping him, you should at lease try to get something back from him first. if you dump him, you'll prob never get your money back unless he used your card number over phone then you can possibly have bank press charges for him using your card . He is unemployed and a user.. the money is gone.. It is always better to just cut your losses and not create more expenses at this point..
Author cutegirl Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 When I first asked my bf if he withdrew it he said he doesn't remember but later he admitted that he took out it when we got in a big fight and I kicked him out of the house. I don't think I really kicked him out but it got to the point where he wanted to leave too so he did and that's when he took it. He later came back to get some of his stuff and left me card where he found it. He said he is sorry and he admitted that what he did was wrong, but he said it's not like he emptied my bank account or did something EXTREMELY terrible. Anyways, I'm stupid because I forgave him I guess and he is on his way over. I'm going to teach him a bit of my business and what I do so he can make some money and then pay me back.
Author cutegirl Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 instead of just dumping him, you should at lease try to get something back from him first. if you dump him, you'll prob never get your money back unless he used your card number over phone then you can possibly have bank press charges for him using your card .[/quote I actually gave him the pin number so it's not like I can press charges. When we live together he uses it to pump gas and buy food for us and things like that.
Author cutegirl Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 re: Same feelings, here. In addition to that, I raise eyebrows in most relationships where *only* one of the partners are "providers" (bill-payers). Much too often, I see (esp. younger folks) in relationships where the bf practically lives 24/7 at the home of the gf -but never buys so much as a tube of toothpaste or a loaf of bread. I think it's a two-way street and, although, some men still believe it's "their place" to be the primary provider (commendable, btw, if you can afford to) tradition *can* get out of hand and overtstep boundaries, sometimes, and create a situation where only one partner carries all the financial burden and the other winds up resting on his/her sorry behind too much of the time. I realize there are relationships out there where the partners have made the decision to live on only one income -but aside from these- it's the lop-sided relationships that become abusive in regards to who winds up always paying the bills that makes me shake my head in wonder over *why* they allow it. -Rio Actually I see the trend now that a lot of women are the breadwinners and the guys live off the girls money. My bf DID have a job but when he did he did not pay rent and bills consistently. Back at the old apartment rent was 1300 a month. My bf makes less than me so whe agreed that he would only have to pay $250 and I would pay for everything else including utilities and for some reason he couldn't even manage that. I think he was spending all his money on eating out, and my bf cannot eat fast food, only seafood (his preference), and he was eating out everyday. He stopped paying rent since Februaury and when he was paying it, it was always on and off. He claimed he didn't pay rent because he found out I was sending my mom money each month and he was angry because I didn't tell him about it. He says that partners are supposed to tell each other everything when making a big financial decision like that. And he was especially mad because I don't get along with my mom but send her money. (I was estranged from her for years). So he got really jealous and thought "Why is she giving money to her mom but bitching about rent to me? F--- that. Since she hid it from me, I'm not going to pay sh--- either..." I didn't tell him because it was my money and I didn't feel like I have to justify on what I spend and he feels betrayed because of that too. I think that is part of the reason why he feels he can take my money, because he is supposed to be my partner and if I give my mom something he thinks I owe him the same amount AT LEAST.
Author cutegirl Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 My bf is also always saying that I "take a lot of energy away from him", I guess he means by bitching or nagging so therefore I owe him something in return.
littlekitty Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 And you've forgiven this douche bag?!! Why?!! Why not go back and re-read what you've just written. He feels justified to take your money. He down played the seriousness of stealing from you. You discounted his rent for him, and yet he was still unable to regularly pay you, preferring to spend it on going out to eat - seafood.. his preference. WTF?!! Although he is contributing nothing financially, he still believes he has a right to tell you what you may or may not do with YOUR money. "He got really jealous and thought "Why is she giving money to her mom but bitching about rent to me? F--- that. Since she hid it from me, I'm not going to pay sh--- either..." Surely this isn't the kind of man you want in your life? Someone who resents you, steals from you, uses you?!
RecordProducer Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 He's paranoid, I think he has Paranoid Personality Disorder and he used it to buy a spy sweeper (to check if anyone implanted cameras or recording devices or tracking gps) on his car. And he also hired a detective to sweep his car personally. It's a long story but he was having problems at work and thought that someone was after him. Just because he was afraid of someone at work (probably with legitimate reasons; people can be very cruel and do all kinds of pointless things), doesn't mean he should be diagnosed as paranoid. I have a feeling that you also want him to be ill so he can depend on you completely. I don't want to sound harsh, but frankly, I think you are more harmful for your BF than he for you. Just a joke. Anyhoo, I am on the original posters' side so I am on your side. You don't manipulate him by giving him money. You let him - as weak and unemployed as he is - control YOU. You need him and whenever we need someone, we are in their hands. So don't fool yourself that you have the power. The desire to be taken care of is often much weaker than the need to take care of others. The money thing is not cool. He should have discussed it with you or at least let you know before or after the withdrawal. In any case, as long as you're helping him, he won't be able to stand on his own feet. You need to know that someone wants you for YOU not for your hotel room with full service.
magichands Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Everyone is overreating - it's only money. When you're in a relationship it's all about sharing. Maybe you could get him his own card - with a manageable credit limit - so that you can monitor his spending. Just a suggestion.
Author cutegirl Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 Just because he was afraid of someone at work (probably with legitimate reasons; people can be very cruel and do all kinds of pointless things), doesn't mean he should be diagnosed as paranoid. I have a feeling that you also want him to be ill so he can depend on you completely. I don't want to sound harsh, but frankly, I think you are more harmful for your BF than he for you. Just a joke. Anyhoo, I am on the original posters' side so I am on your side. You don't manipulate him by giving him money. You let him - as weak and unemployed as he is - control YOU. You need him and whenever we need someone, we are in their hands. So don't fool yourself that you have the power. The desire to be taken care of is often much weaker than the need to take care of others. The money thing is not cool. He should have discussed it with you or at least let you know before or after the withdrawal. In any case, as long as you're helping him, he won't be able to stand on his own feet. You need to know that someone wants you for YOU not for your hotel room with full service. I really do think he has paranoid disorder. Its' really bad! He made us MOVE to a new apartment because he thought his boss was after him. He would not talk in the house but write things down on paper in case someone bugged the house. He was a security guard, I seriously doubt he is important enough for someone to bug the house or plant something on his car! He said my life was at risk and "they were gonna come after me." I know volatile things can happen in the workplace but this guy REALLY has paranoid disorder. I'm not making it up. He is just paroind about anything and everything.
Author cutegirl Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 Everyone is overreating - it's only money. When you're in a relationship it's all about sharing. Maybe you could get him his own card - with a manageable credit limit - so that you can monitor his spending. Just a suggestion. He already has his own credit card but he doesn't want to go over a certain percentage of his credit limit because it's not good for his credit. He just needed cash and I think some of it was probably to pay for the credit card and other bills including cell and tickets.
RecordProducer Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I really do think he has paranoid disorder. Its' really bad! He made us MOVE to a new apartment because he thought his boss was after him. He would not talk in the house but write things down on paper in case someone bugged the house. He was a security guard, I seriously doubt he is important enough for someone to bug the house or plant something on his car! He said my life was at risk and "they were gonna come after me." I know volatile things can happen in the workplace but this guy REALLY has paranoid disorder. I'm not making it up. He is just paroind about anything and everything. Oh, jesus, why didn't you say right away? I think you are right!
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