What kind of a game is this??

[Treadstone]

My ex deliberately left some of her stuff here when she dumped me for another guy and moved out. She came back a week later to pick the rest up. I found out to my horror after she left that day that once again she did not take everything.

 

Its been 2 months now so I contact her yesterday to let her know that I'll like to drop off the rest tonight because I want to tie the loose ends and fully move on. She insisted that she will rather like to come here and take them herself but I said no.

 

She calls me up tonight to say that she is on her way. I told her no because I'm just leaving the house myself to drop the stuff off. That's what we agreed on yesterday. She continues to insist that she wants to come over. Then she claimed that she doesn't live where she used to live anymore. I said fine where do you live now? Then she saids a "new place". I told her that I couldn't care less where she live I just want to drop the things off and that if she's thinking that I want to know where she live then she should meet up on a park nearby or wherever she choose. But she's not coming to my place. She begins to run her mouth so I said look I don't have time for this so I hang up. Then she calls back but I didn't pick up the phone.

 

The things are still here. What kind of a game is this? Why is she doing this and what are her intentions? I just want to go there and drop them off her place but if has moved (which is quite likely) then there will be no point. I don't know where she live now neither am I in contact with any of her friends so I could leave it with them. What should I do? Should I just throw them away, burn them or drop them off at her workplace?

 

Damn, this bitch is driving me nuts. She has a new bf and she's suppose to leave me alone to carry on with my life. Why isn't she doing that? Wouldn't it rather be in her interest if we completely severed ties so she can enjoy her life with her new b/f? Is she too dumb to realise that?

 

D-Lish, Bendit, Amour, Dr. Strangelove, Kamille, everybody please weigh in on this because I'm raging and ready to explode right now. Why is she behaving like this?

 

Treadstone

[bendit]

Forget about "Why" she is doing this. She is doing this to Abuse you. Take the focus off the whys.

 

You have met up with a nut and now you have to figure out how to get her out of your life and stay "gone". We can't help you with this strategy. You know the situation and you have to call upon your creative energy to Fix This once and for all. It's time to act with Finality.

 

If need be, let her pick the stuff up. Hand it to her then close the door. Don't be hung up on Where this happens. Its how you behave with her. Its how you react. You can still have 100% control if she comes over. This is about You and how you act. It's not about her unless you let it be about her. If she comes over, if you act correctly, it will be over in 30 seconds. If you don't act with strength and determination, you are inviting more misery.

 

You must get some testosterone up and Think and be a man and take charge and stop letting her run your life. She is setting the tune and calling the shots. You need to Think and Act and take charge and get this stuff to her, or throw it out.

 

Stop playing her game. Otherwise I am going to wonder about you and whether you want to play the game with her. This is not you dodging bombs in Iraq. This is some leftover stuff that apparently is not important to her.

 

Man Up and take charge and tell her what is going to happen. Part of the problem is that we don't Stand Up to these abusers. They Cower when you stand up to them and confront them.

 

See, you never did this while you were together. She never feared consequences from you because you are passive and don't take charge.

 

If you take charge and confront her and send a message that the abuse is going to stop, It Will. Don't get Angry or raise your voice. Simply tell her calmly what you are going to do, and if she does not cooperate tell her that the stuff is going in the garbage.

 

Be a Man and stand up to the abuser. End her reign of abuse to you now. She won't stop as long as you continue to play the passive meek role you play that lets her dictate your life.

 

She is going to keep contacting you so you need to figure out how you are going to stay "gone". If you start to stand up to her and show that you have STRENGTH, she will get the message and stay away. If you remain passive, she will continue to abuse you.

 

Do you understand me?

 

regards

[KittenMoon]

Tread-

 

I never quite agree how bendit tosses around the word "abuse" but his advice on how to handle this is appropriate enough.

 

Some recently shared this quote with me in relation to politics, but I think it's appropriate for many situations, this included:

 

"Don't put down to maliciousness that which can be attributed to stupidity."

 

In many cases, someone may simply not recognize the damage they're doing to another person.

 

That doesn't mean, of course, you should put up with it in any way, shape, or form if it makes you feel bad. So choose not to.

[dr strangelove]

Hmm I dunno, im not really in her head so Im not sure.

 

let me change the subject.. is your nickname anything to do with tires ?

 

Another question

 

what do you feel like doing? And why does it bother you if she wishes to drop by?

[dr strangelove]

Way back when

 

my ex first had my stuff. I was like Id like to drop by and get it

 

No no you cant come here

 

Ok well Ill send someone

 

No no no

 

uh ok

 

Then I remember what she said

 

If you get your stuff you will never speak to me again

[littlekitty]

I'll play Devil's Advocate here....

 

If you want her out of your life so badly, why did you argue with her? Why didn't you just let her come over and get her stuff from you? Then you'd have what you wanted - no more reason for contact.

 

What you've done is prolong the issue by arguing with her. Is that what you really wanted?! Perhaps you really want to stay in contact? I know if I didn't want to continue contact I'd have just let her come over and grab her crap. What difference does it really make?

 

Sounds like you were sticking to your guns for no reason other than to draw the whole situation out longer? You put the phone down, you refused to accept her coming to get her stuff (it had to be your way), you refused to answer when she called back, and now you say:

 

Wouldn't it rather be in her interest if we completely severed ties so she can enjoy her life with her new b/f? Is she too dumb to realise that?

 

Errr didn't she try?!

[D-Lish]

Does she still have a key to your place?

 

I would just tell her it's okay to come by and get her stuff, arrange a time, then leave it all out front and be absent when she comes. Problem solved.

 

She is probably wanting to talk to you~ to appease her guilt over how things ended. I understand the need to get the things out of your place. You want to move on, and her stuff is just sitting there, reminding you of the pain.

 

But, yeah, if you truly want her things gone... agree to her terms, and then leave her things outside and be away when she comes.

 

She wants to talk obviously. If you don't want to talk to her, that's the best way.

 

My ex left his keys/passport and a whole host of things here after our break up and he avoided picking them up for a long time. It pissed me off because I felt he was denying me closure.

 

Hope you can sort this out!

D

[bendit]

Here's my version when it comes to matters of the Heart.

 

"Don't put down to stupidity that which can be attributed to maliciousness."

 

Do I think they intentionally want to abuse you? No. They could drive you away if they were overtly abusive, and they don't want to drive you away. They really just want to use you. They must pretend to be the caring interested X.

 

The reason they do this is because they lack the ability to be empathetic. They look out for number one, and don't really CARE about you as a person. You are more like a thing to them, an object. You are a thing that they can use or not use, to create drama and intrigue.

 

She may want to keep you in reserve or she may want to triangulate you off of her new BF. They would prefer to use you because it makes life exciting; and that's why they keep a hook in you.

 

She is not sufficiently developed as a person to know how to act right. Would someone who really cared about your welfare do this stuff to you? Would they "toy" with you like this? Would they have a new BF days after breaking up with you, then make sure you found out about it? Would they do things, even when you tell them not to, that delay your healing? No they would not.

 

Is this "stupidity"? I don't really think its the right word. Plus, it takes the responsibility for being a decent human being off of them. "Oh they are just "stupid". They don't know any better."

 

No. In matters of the heart, people act with purpose, and forethought, not because they are dense. This person does not care about you and thus has no problem toying with you like this. It makes her life exciting. She wants to use you while you are still naive and weak enough to allow it.

 

People wise up eventually. I hope you do.

 

regards

[KittenMoon]

 

Is this "stupidity"? I don't really think its the right word. Plus, it takes the responsibility for being a decent human being off of them. "Oh they are just "stupid". They don't know any better."

 

I didn't want to alter the quote. Is it stupidity, per sé? Not really, rather like you said, a lack of empathy in understanding how much they can hurt you.

 

Not to say there aren't truly malicious people out there when it comes to matters of the heart, but each person here has to make that decision on their own, since they know their exes (or whomever) better than we ever will.

 

When it is malicious, THAT'S when it's ok to call it "abuse".

[bendit]

Right. It's not a great quote even turned around, because Malicious is not really the right word either. They aren't really malicious. They simply have needs and they want them filled, and they Will use you to fill them. That's it. Much of it is beyond their own awareness because of their extreme ego-centrism.

 

I agree with you that not every break up traverses this dynamic. But we don't get driven to the LS Coping forum after every break up do we?

 

regards

[KittenMoon]

Right. It's not a great quote even turned around, because Malicious is not really the right word either.

 

Just trying to make the point to not overact and turn one thing into something else.

[Ssheena]

Get all of her stuff out of your space, put it in a box or whatever, call here or email her and say, all your stuff is outside of my place, either pick it up by the end of business day (love that saying) or it's getting tossed.

You don't have to see her, have any contact with her and best of all, you don't have the reminders of her in your space anymore.

[Kamille]

Must warn you : i have a terrible head cold and I took a lot of meds, so I'm not sure if what i wrote here makes sense.

 

I think it's clear there are unresolved issues on both sides - and that the stuff thing is her way of having a reason to keep in touch with you. As it is something that holds the promise of you seeing her again. And so, considering how messy the situation is becoming about it, I think you are right in wanting to get rid of it.

 

You say you don't have any contact with any of her friends, but maybe you could get one of your friends to drop the stuff off (or arrange it so she can go pick the stuff up at your friend's place).

 

Or maybe, like D-Lish said, she wants to talk to you for reasons of her own. If you feel this to be true, then you could say that you will get in touch with her when you feel ready.

 

And I don't believe all that mumbo-jumbo about maliciousness. letting go of someone we shared a life with is really hard for both dumper and dumpee and leads us to loose perspective as we try to comprehend how the separation could happen. Any break-up is a form of betrayal : the betrayal of the promise to love and be loved. And so anger, resentment and mixed emotions are a natural result of breaking up. Part of the process of healing is recognizing when we are speaking and acting from an emotional space and avoiding those instances.

[johnnytable]

I think it's clear there are unresolved issues on both sides - and that the stuff thing is her way of having a reason to keep in touch with you. As it is something that holds the promise of you seeing her again. And so, considering how messy the situation is becoming about it, I think you are right in wanting to get rid of it.

 

Yes, this needs to end ASAP.

 

Or maybe, like D-Lish said, she wants to talk to you for reasons of her own. If you feel this to be true, then you could say that you will get in touch with her when you feel ready.

 

This may be true, but that is her problem. You have no obligation to talk to her. She left and is with another man remember? You also have no obligation to tell her that you will get in touch with her sometime in the future. You may never feel like it, and there could be guilt if you tell her that you were going to when you were "ready" yet never do.

 

And I don't believe all that mumbo-jumbo about maliciousness. letting go of someone we shared a life with is really hard for both dumper and dumpee and leads us to loose perspective as we try to comprehend how the separation could happen. Any break-up is a form of betrayal : the betrayal of the promise to love and be loved. And so anger, resentment and mixed emotions are a natural result of breaking up. Part of the process of healing is recognizing when we are speaking and acting from an emotional space and avoiding those instances.

 

Of course it is hard, of course there are feelings. But that doesn't mean that you attack the other person, speak angrily towards them, try to manipulate them, try to control them, try to tell them what to do, etc. Those words and feelings are for your friends, family, therapist, etc. If one has strength within themselves and empathy towards the other person, they simply leave them alone.

[johnnytable]

Treadstone,

 

Why did you wait two months to contact her about her stuff when you found it the next day? Why did you prolong this instead of either a) returning it to her or b) getting rid of it? Were you hoping for this to happen? To keep the drama alive? I'm asking these questions because you may not realize that this may be what happened.

 

JT

[Treadstone]

JT, to answer your question - her stuff remained here for two months after the breakup because I was in NC with her and didn't want to initiate any contact with her whatesoever. Regardless, she contacted me several times anyway and on the rare occasion that I picked up her call to arrange to have her stuff she will find an excuse to avoid picking them up. On one or two occasions, she came over to pick them up only for me to found later on that she left some behind.

 

Anyhow, I've been listening to you guys here so this morning I decided that she can have her way once and for all. I called her and told her that if she insist on coming to pick them up here herself then she should come and pick them up. I told her that I have them all boxed up and ready to go. She freaked out and told me to throw the things away. I said fine, that serves my purpose alright. I don't care where they go as long as they are not at my place.

 

I'm so ready to throw them out but now I have another delima. The girl that I'm currently seeing is strongly advising against throwing my ex's things away. I've told her that my ex said that I could throw them away and so I'm going to to but she wouldn't have none of it. Her reason being that my ex was annoyed when she said that so she did not mean it. I told her I couldn't care less because I just want this whole debacle gone.

 

Anyway, I didn't want to argue with my current girl so I've sent all the stuff in some ****hole in the basement. I want to throw them away and I probably will when my current girl has forgotten all about it in a few days. What do you guys think? will I be justified in throwing them away? Should I just ignore my current girl's advise and throw them away anyway?

 

Treadstone

[johnnytable]

What kind of stuff is it? Replacable? I would toss it if so. I would probably toss it otherwise also

 

It is my opinion that your ex just wants contact with you. The same thing happened to me over a $10 hairdryer. When I refused to meet with her and rather shipped it to her, she went off raging at me like a banshee.

[KittenMoon]

Unless this stuff is irreplaceble, your ex has given you permission to get rid of it. HOwever, if it's in decent condition, why not donate it instead of just trashing it?