Guest Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I've never experienced anything like this before...and need some advise. Im 36 and the guy im dating is 39 and we have been dating for about 3 months now. I really like this guy as we have so many similar interests of things we love to do and things we want to try together. There are a few things about him that I would not chose for a lifetime commitment...but most of them I can live with...that is what a relationship is about..giving and taking, right? BUT one thing I am having a huge problem with is his lack of sex drive. I mean he has NONE!....not to mention he has no passion, as far as passionate kisses or hugs or even touches. He would give me excuse after excuse on why he couldnt have sex with me that night. I started to worry that he had no sexual interest in me personally...so I have had a pretty serious discussion with him on the subject, as sex and intimacy are very important to me in a relationship....I mean I would love to be with my man twice or more a day. He told me he has insecurities about his size and that holds him back and that he is fairly inexperienced, but that he is definitely interested in me sexually. I assured him he had nothing to worry about and I would help him thru anything.....that we could both give a little. Well...it got alot better for about a week or so....having sex like every night to every other night.....and it was great!! But here I am, back where we started....with every excuse in the book on why he cant. I was going out of town for a few days the other night and the night before i was leaving told him I would love to make love to him before I left...and his response was "i am tired right now but I will make sure you get it before you leave" (???HUH???) ...and another comment he made when I was cleaning out my refrigerator and was throwing away a cucumber and I joked and said 'hmm...i should keep this', as i was laughing, and he said..."yea, then I wouldn't have to do anything' I'm not looking to force him to have sex if he doesn't want to...and I've told him that. He assured me that wasn't the case. I'm just not sure what to do anymore as I've never experienced this before. Can anyone give me some advise???? My heart is breaking and I'm breaking down in this relationship because of this. Thank You!!!!
norajane Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Is he depressed or on anti-depressants? That can kill a sex drive. Does he have an erection problems? He might not be able to have an erection, or stay hard, and he's too embarrassed to tell you. He might have other medical issues that are interfering with his interest in sex. Has he ever discussed this with a doctor?
D-Lish Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 OKAY, I read your post and I too dated someone with this problem. We dated for a year and rarely had sex. He could have an erection no problem, he just didn't have the drive. We were dating for 2 months, and we went away on a four day romantic vacation and got snowed into our chalet.... and we had sex only ONCE! ONCE during those four days. We'd go days and days without it.... then he'd have periods of seemingly good progress where we might do it a little more often. But you know what? I always felt like crap about myself, and sex became a huge problem in the demise of our relationship. When we did have sex, I though he was doing it only for me, and not because he wanted to...like it was a chore to shut me up. I began to feel unwanted and unattractive. Could be a host of factors... like depression, or meds, or age, or low testosterone count. A simple Dr's test would measure his testosterone levels.... I don't know about you, but I couldn't reconcile with his lack of sex drive. It frustrated me like crazy and drove a big wedge between us. Never had issues with my partner not wanting to have sex with me before him. You have to decide if you can handle it or not~ cuz it only gets worse, it doesn't get better. A frank, open discussion and urging him to see a doc may help, but it may be a problem getting him to see a doc. It's embarrassing for them I'm sure, but it's bad for us too.... because of how it makes us feel. Sex=intimacy, and it's hard to acquire a certain level of intimacy with someone if they aren't sexually interested. I hope you two can talk this out and come to some sort of understanding. I couldn't do it, it just got too much for me too handle. I was lonley and frustrated and it ate away at my self esteem. I internalized that the problem was me, and it made me increasingly more angry and bitter towards him for making me feel that way. We talked about it often ~ I brought it up, but I think that made him feel attacked and pressured and I think he began to resent that in me as well. I know what you're going though. He dumped me by the way!! lol. I became so bitter and frustrated I started getting bitchy all the time... and yes, it was because I really felt unwanted and unloved. I hope your situation works out better. D
Guest Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 well...he doesnt have an erection problem, and he is not on any medication. I am wondering if he has had issues with 'size' in the past, like teasing or something, that has turned him off of sex. I even asked him what turns him on or gets him in the mood so I could make him feel good. He said he didnt have anything!!! hmmmm thanks for the replys so far! very informative...and right in my line of thinking...there might be some resentment in the future, if not already! I have talked to him...and will continue to. Would still love more input!
D-Lish Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Hey guest, Sure, there are many issues that can affect sex drive. But if he can have an erection, it is probably a low testosterone count. Psychological issues would most likely affect an erection... I think, the "worried about my size" excuse is just that... an excuse. He doesn't understand why he doesn't have the drive, so he comes up with excuses... he's probably learned to do that over the years. My ex had the problem since puberty...said he had never been that interested in sex. Only thought about sex once and a while and rarely masterbated.... odd for a guy! They usually think about sex constantly! He did go to the doctor, and the doc told him he fell within the "normal" range for sex. But I don't think he was forthcoming with his doc. It's embarrassing for them, ya know? I couldn't take it anymore... I hope you guys can talk/work through this! D
Prim&proper Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Guest, I feel your pain. I am in the same boat, except my bf and I have been together for 10 months. He's 35 and I'm 31. I have never had this problem with any other bf or guy before except him. He doesn't have problems getting erect, just he has very little desire to. He's works a lot and his job is demanding and he travels a lot. I would be happy with sex about 3 or more times a week, but we are averaging about 1-2. I am debating whether i should let him go. It's really tough. I had all the feelings the D-List had, feeling undesirable and unattractive and having low self-esteem. I am beginning to think why even bother being in this relationship.
D-Lish Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 It really does make you feel like crap about yourself... You love them and you want to express that physically, and you want to be desired, but their lack of interest doesn't make you feel wanted. It's a difficult situation. I was peaking to a co-worker about it one day and she confesses her husband had this problem- that it started out with a little bit of sex- then progressed to NOTHING. She said he still loved her, but he just had absolutely no desire to have sex at all. SO what happened? She loves him, but she has affairs now and then to satisfy her ego and libido. When I heard that story, it made me realize things would never get better. She is 45 and her husband is 46. My ex was 33-34... Stress, depression, all of this can affect the drive... but it could be a testosterone defficiency. I'm telling you- it killed me to be with this guy. I found myself bitter and angry all the time near the end.... D
dropdeadlegs Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Here's my second husband story. While dating we had what I suppose is an average sex life 2-3 times weekly. We married one year to the date we met. He didn't have kids and I agreed to that and I got pregnant immediately. Sex became less and less. He also started drinking more and more, so alcohol could have been a factor, but I felt it was that I was less desirable to him while pregnant and it was very difficult for me. It never got better, even when he stopped drinking altogether. Eventually we were going for months without sex. With three children (two from a former marriage) I had so much responsibility that at times I didn't even care about sex myself, but once the baby was older the problem still persisted. It was so painful to feel so undesirable and I often blamed myself. I wasn't pretty enough, still had some extra pounds from a pregnancy in my thirties. It had to be me that was causing the problem since when I was skinnier things had been better. It never got better and I eventually found out from his mother that he had been subjected to some sexual abuse as a child. It's a long story, but apparently as a child he had been forced to watch his father have sex with a man. When I asked him about what his mother had said he absolutely denied this had ever happened and said he didn't know what his mother was talking about. Mother in law said she was glad he didn't remember and only wished his sister could forget. I believe this was true, but I didn't know his sister well enough to even talk to her about it. We all lived in three different states and I had only met her once. What a terrible way to dealt with something like that, to be glad he didn't remember. I think it was the root of so many problems. There is a really horrible ending to the story, but that's a whole other thread. We are here to talk about the effects and possible causes and solutions to a low sex drive. I wish I had answers for your situation. My marriage didn't work out and I was left one big emotional mess with barely any self esteem. The sexual abuse is probably what caused our lack of intimacy, because lack of sex was only a portion of our entire non-intimate history. I feel like I'm rambling, but I guess I wanted you to know that alcohol and a repressed past were the culprit in my situation. I'm so glad to now be with someone that likes sex and needs intimacy of every kind as much as I do. He is the silver ling in one very black cloud. I hope you can work things out, but I would probably cut my losses and move on if I was facing this problem and he didn't make serious efforts to at least try to change. I also have a friend in a marriage to a man with low drive. She also has had several affairs on the side. That makes me sad for her because I can't imagine cheating would make me feel very good about myself. Her husband is definitely a great guy on every other front. Good luck to you!
D-Lish Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 That's the problem with dating someone with a low drive... It affects us in the worst kind of ways. I used to think it was me he didn't find attractive, and I was screaming for attention from him. I even got sickly thin, went from 115lbs (at 5'7") to 100 lbs....and you know what? He never noticed. I felt so unattractive, that I felt it necessary to starve myself because I thought he didn't like my body... it was brutal on the self esteem. You just have to realize that it's not you.... it's really not. You also have to decide if you can deal with the consequences of your own well being. I told my boyfriend about a week before he dumped me that I couldn't do it anymore- couldn't stand to be in a relationship without sex.... a week later he dumped me. Honestly? I was going to do it anyway. I wish you the best... D
Guest Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 D-Lish.....you have hit the nail on the head!!! Everything u say is hitting home with me and my situation!!! I think there are deeper issues there for him....depression, etc....I have actually found that out this weekend. (Someone mentioned sexual abuse....and I never thought of that....I do know he had a verbally abusive step father....) Something way more going on inside of this guy....and you know what....I think I am thru. I am sick of being not happy and frustrated. All he is doing now is making smart ass comments to any of my questions or comments. He's been really really low this weekend on himself....and I have tried to offer my sincere help and love and support on trying to get him to feel better and laugh and smile a little. But he has shot me down left and right....NOTHING absolutely NOTHING I have offered or said has he been responsive to. He cant even offer a sincere 'thanks for caring'. And then I am damned if I do something or ask something and damned if I don't. So I told him that I am just not going to talk to him until he is in a better mood, because everything I say there is a smart ass remark to or worse. So...of course....now I'm being yelled at for not saying a word. What the F ever!!!! I can go on and on with this story...cuz there is so much to tell. But I think its in my best interest to walk away....(altho its been really hard for me to just do it for some reason) THANKS SO MUCH for giving feedback and letting me vent on this!!!!! xoxo
D-Lish Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 It's unfortunate~ but the sad truth is that you'll never be satisfied in a non-physical relationship. I know I need the intimacy in order to stay interested in someone. The more he doesn't want to have sex, the more you'll feel rejected. Eventually, you'll start looking elsewhere for attention. OR, you'll just grow to feel so bad about yourself that you'll make yourself miserable. It's such a tough situation. And he doesn't sound like a caring, happy partner... I wish you luck. It sucks to feel unwanted...it sure doesn't do much for the ego! D
IpAncA Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 It's unfortunate~ but the sad truth is that you'll never be satisfied in a non-physical relationship. I know I need the intimacy in order to stay interested in someone. The more he doesn't want to have sex, the more you'll feel rejected. Eventually, you'll start looking elsewhere for attention. OR, you'll just grow to feel so bad about yourself that you'll make yourself miserable. It's such a tough situation. And he doesn't sound like a caring, happy partner... I wish you luck. It sucks to feel unwanted...it sure doesn't do much for the ego! D Well there are other ways to be intimate with someone besides being physical all the time. But I will say this, I think that low sex drive people should date those who have the same drive and that goes for high sex drive people too. It works out better and no one is left out.
dropdeadlegs Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Well there are other ways to be intimate with someone besides being physical all the time. But I will say this, I think that low sex drive people should date those who have the same drive and that goes for high sex drive people too. It works out better and no one is left out. I couldn't agree more. There are other ways to express intimacy. I immediately call to mind Dana and Christopher Reeves. After his accident he couldn't have sex, but they enjoyed many years together before he died (and tragically she followed soon thereafter.) Finding someone who shares your amount of sexual drive is definitely appropriate and important.
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