Within my right & what to think at beginning of dating someone

[caring guy]

Hi

I have dated this girl from Russia that lives in my city in UK.\

We've talked about the "Russian bride thing" & how sad it is & she has friends that have been 'bought' more or less!

 

Ok, so i'm not going to interrogate her as to who her friends are, who is calling her, who she sees at her work & College.

Each date has become more feely & touchy & we're now at heavy kissing, holding hands, hugging & i had my hand on her leg in Cinema tonight & she snuggled up to me. So all is going well & we're officially dating but not proper gf & bf yet.

She's open & i was fretting initially at how to take certain things she said, the language thing is sometimes tricky, but is ok.

 

She got a call as i walked her to the bus, it was a guy, she said he calls her & she doesn't want him to & told him to leave her & she had been to cinema with me &, i could hear him asking her this & that. She said i don't want to talk now.

She got on the bus, & i walked to mine.

I saw her on the phone!

It got me thinking, it could be someone else, it could be him & her telling him to get lost, or she could still be seeing him.

 

What should i do.

I say WITHIN MY RIGHT in my title because i said i don't date 2 girls at once as i wouldn't like to play second fiddle & wouldn't like that to happen to me. I think i was in my right!!, she said ok!

 

Any advice on the above appreciated, without me doing the thing that would push her away- interrogating her, afterall, it's based on trust i assumed.

We like each other, but i want to know the truth & not have this hanging in my head!!

cg

[caring guy]

anyone, should i bring this up to rid my suspicions.

It's all about trust, i know, but i don't know wether she is dating someone else too.

She could have got this call & when i saw her on the bus on phone again on phone it could have been all innocent, ,like someone else calling her or her girl flatmates, parents or anything.

Do i ask?

cg

[littlekitty]

If it's bothering you that much then just ask her about it. But don't accusatory when asking. Just say you were slightly concerned and wanted to make sure you are both in the same place in your 'relationship'.

[dgiirl]

Yes, it's about trust... but trust in _yourself_ to be able to handle the situation if what you fear is happening. It's about your need for control to prevent things from happening. And you simply cannot control every single situation. You need to have more confidence in yourself to do the right thing if it happens.

 

The girl was simply talking on the phone and you seem to be freaking out. Why?

[caring guy]

It just seems weird that we are walking together & she gets a call & as with cell phones, you can here what the guy is saying whilst i'm wakling with her & he's asking where she's been & with who etc.

She says i 'can't talk now' to him & then then says to me it's an ex that keep calling her!

If i was her i'd have told him to get lost & put phone down.

Then when i saw her on bus, she was on phone.

I texted her saying it was a nice night & talk soon & got nothing.

It just seems a bit strange.

I did say that when i date i don't date 2 people at once & i asked her to respect that & do the same & she said ok.

She seems sensible, but there's an 8 year gap & i wonder if she gets off on the attention.

I took her out to cinema, bar & restaurant, spent money, i don't wanna do that if she's seeing someone else too as you probably can understand.

I know i get a bit paranoid about this as i've had it happen before.

0nce bitten twice shy!

cg

[dgiirl]

I took her out to cinema, bar & restaurant, spent money, i don't wanna do that if she's seeing someone else too as you probably can understand.

 

Are you doing these things because you _want_ to do them? Or because you expect something in return? Right now, you are jumping to conclusions and would feel stupid/remorse for doing these acts _if_ she was cheating on you. That's why it's important to never do anything you dont truely _want_ to do. If you want to take her out to the cinema, then it's something that makes you happy just by doing. If it turns out she's cheating, doing the act itself shouldnt cause you much remorse. You were being yourself, doing what you wanted to do. She's the one who was in the wrong, and that's her problem, not yours.

 

 

I know i get a bit paranoid about this as i've had it happen before.

0nce bitten twice shy!

cg

 

You might be shy of getting bitten, but unless you drop your paranoia, noone will be around at all.

 

A lot of people who are cheated on tend to get scared of the same situation happening again, and falsely believe that if they pay attention, they can prevent it from happening. Instead of punishing the one at fault, they take the situation on personally and punish themselves for the faults of others. Listen, that girl in your past cheated. SHE cheated, not you. SHE was wrong, not you. You dont need to carry around her cross and have it infect all your future relationships. Is she really worth it to give her that power to ruin your future?

 

I dont know if your current girl is cheating on you or not. If you dont trust her, then get out. If you cant talk to her openly and honestly, then get out. If you cant trust yourself enough to walk away if she cheats, then get out. Walking around with eyes behind your head, looking for every single act of betrayal will only exhaust you. Do you really enjoy the feeling you feel right now? It's your choice to let go of other's peoples issues. Trust yourself and believe in yourself. You will be OK even if the worst happens. So stop worrying about it until it happens. Then confidently walk away knowing you did no wrong.

[caring guy]

dgiirl

thanks, your words are right.

No, i'm not taking her out because i expect things back. I like her company & fancy this girl & enjoy her company.

I believe in treating a girl well & try to show her a good time as 1st impressions last, i am a romantic, i was gonna buy her some flowers, i thought that may be pushing too much & i'd wait.

I know if she likes me, anywhere would do, a bag of chips in the park lol etc!

But yeh, i wanted to impress her & show her a good time, i didn't expect her to ask me back for a night of passion after, maybe if i took her to Mcdonalds for a meal on 1st 4 dates, it wouldn't have gone down well, tahts something you do after a while & your an item.

 

I want to take it slow & i don't think she would have accepted my advances & me touching her knee if she wasn't into me or let me kiss her, unless she was the one thanking me for a nice night & spending money etc!

I just hope she isn't kissing me, letting me hold her etc & holding hands isn't like some payment for me taking her out & she gets off on it!

That would hurt, as i am doing this because i'm into her & enjoy the company & chat we have, as well as the intimacy.

Just sick & tyred af getting hopes up, getting that heart pumping & butterflyes when i see her & enjoying her company & then finding out what i feared. Maybe i'm just thinking too much!

 

This is funny, i've learned to stop wanting to know what the situation is, like 'are we or arent we'. She brought that up by asking me what i think of her!!

I said what i thought & that i'd love to carry on seeing her & see what happens, she knows my qualities! (except some yet )

At the end of the date after a passionate kiss, i said "i told you i don't say stuff like this, but i guesss we're dating now", she said, "well i'll say it then, we are!!"

See what i thought shouldn't be done, i.e asking the situation, she did! So at least that icey bit has been broken & we can be open that way.

cg

[dgiirl]

It sounds like you're having a lot of fun There's not enough fun in the world, so I'd enjoy it while it lasts instead of trying to predict reasons it should end.

[caring guy]

It is fun dgiirl, i just have an incline i'm being used & that hurts as i like her company & am very attracted to her & her signs are that she feels the same way or she wouldn't have let me do what i did!

 

I don't want to think this. She seems genuine, just this call she got & after i texted hers saying it was great night & company & talk soon & got no responce, i guess i'm thinking as to what i would have done.

 

You seem to be experienced in posting! She works nights like 10pm until 8am, she says she's working Sat-Mon & her patents are coming Thursday, should i instigate the meetings as i doubt i'll see her when her parents come! (if thats true).

There's many things we have in common & talked of doing & how often should i text. I guess i'm being childish.

I just feel like saying hi occasionally & should i mention the phonecall she had on the bus! Why she said she couldn't talk now when i was there to a supposedly ex bf that called her occasionally, that gets to me! She might as you say think i'm interrogating her .

I guess when you fancy someone, all normal thinking goes outa the window!! hehe

cg

[dgiirl]

CG, my impression is she was being very polite. She seems to like you. If I was with a guy I liked, and my ex called me on my cell, I'd be very short with him too. I would not chat on the phone, I'd tell him that I couldnt talk. Which is what she did. But I would also NOT want to get into any confrontational argument with him over the phone telling him I never want to talk to him ever again with my new guy listening. It's rude. And I think that would put me in a bad light in front of my new guy, and in the beginning of a relationship, I'd want to spare him that.

 

However, this is all speculation and you really do not know what's going on with her. It's possible that her exbf is giving her complications and she's confused on how to handle it. My bet is she's also picking up on your insecurities too. And so she might be withdrawing a little from both of you. You really need to get your fear under control, otherwise she's going to pull away.

 

And even if things dont work out, it doesnt mean she used you. Why cant you just have faith in yourself that you are good company and she was enjoying herself while out with you? It seemed like she was.

 

You mentioned that she didnt return your call. How long has it been since you called her? Phone ettiquette is tricky. You want to show your interest, but you cant come across as too pushy or needy. I would recommend waiting a few more days and then trying to call her one more time. In the meantime, try not to let your mind go too crazy and focus on other things in your life.

[caring guy]

dgiirl

your probably right about that her not wanting to talk right now, it just shows you that i see things from the bad side & not the good which is a fault of mine i need to address:o

 

I don't think she sees any insecurities in me. When together, it's all very relaxed & lots of chat, humour etc!!

She instigated the 'how we feel' & how i feel about her, she knows i have the hots for her, i told her she was great company & beautiful, i'm a flatterer & i guess she liked that. I was quite surprised as these things normally aren't talked about, like 'what we are!!'.

She also said i have the qualities most women would want, which i was flattered with.

Of course she knows i want the relationship, in time to progress & by her body language, i feel she does.

 

After the last bar, & big kiss, i said 'i don't say this normally, but i assume we're dating', she said, 'ok, i say it, we are, but not bf & gf yet'.

 

I usualy in past dates too, on my way home, send a text message saying 'thanks for a great night & company & talk soon', i expected a reply, didn't get one, but i guess there was no 'question'!

 

If things don't go further, which i doubt! , i think i'd feel a little teased as things have naturaly progressed & lead to a passionate kiss & touching legs etc.

We said we could meet Saturday or tomorrow, i'm not OTT with texting, i said we could go for a walk sometime, an un material day out as opposed to the bar, restaurant cinema thing. I suppose thats a test as if it's me or the materialistic things.

A guy on here said that if she didn't pass the lip kiss test on 1st date, it wasn't worth progressing, i think thats rubbish personally! & i ignored his advice.

cg

[caring guy]

I was just wondering about the dating thing & how often a couple like in my situation should see each other. Is it bad if she says she's busy this weekend with work & her parents are coming this thursday to visit & i said i'd like to see her before!

I seem to instigate meets most of the time, i know if i smothered her with asking her every 5 minutes when we can meet, it wouldn't be good, but when dating, is the time between dates different to when bf/gf. Whats the difference?

The last time we met, she did as much of the hand on knee stuff & holding & hugging as me, but if we didn't see each other for say a week, would that intimacy be shot & have to start all over again, or should i just carry on as normal with a lip kiss.

Also, i feel it only right to date 1 person at a time, i do! It's only fair as it plays with emotions & is bad to play second fiddle.

cg