moredeborah Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 This popular girl from high school (lets call her Pamela) has always been nice to me, but I cannot stand her. I'm 24 now and we knew each other when we were freshmen and for 10 years, she's been trying to start a friendship that I really don't want to have. There are 4 major reasons why: 1) In high school, we were after the same guy. She got him eventually but then after a few months, he wanted to date me instead. There's where the rivalry started. 2) My boyfriend at the time (we've broken up by now) took a photography class in college and the assignment was to photograph a person. He had asked her to be his subject (not me!). This is after he knew me and Pamela were rivals! 3) Pamela and I run in the same circles, but she and I don't hang out together. We see each other at clubs and parties all the time. People ALWAYS mix us up because we have similar styles, look similar and used to have similar jobs. 4) Now I know that these 3 reasons are stupid reasons but this one is the kicker. One of my best friends passed away recently. I went on myspace the day before her funeral and Pamela had put out a bulletin saying that one of her best friends had passed away (the same girl, she used her name) and she was really depressed about it. My deceased friend was not fond of Pamela because of other reasons, and they were NEVER friends. I was so sick to my stomach when I saw Pamela crying at her funeral. I am so pissed at this Pamela for disrespecting my friend like that! Okay so all this stuff had happened but in between, Pamela always asks me to go out. She always trys to get my number to hang out. She is always nice to me, and I am cordial back, but I don't ever try to hang out. I don't like her. So, now Pamela works with one of my good friends (lets call her Britney). Pamela had brought up to Britney that she doesn't understand why I don't like her. She knew that the photography incident had bothered me, but other than that, it really distresses her that I'm not her friend. Britney quoted Pamela saying, "I just don't understand why she doesn't like me when all I've been is nice to her." So there's the dilemma. Pamela is right. She has always been nice to me. But I just don't like her. Pamela is that sort of person where EVERYONE has to like her. And most people do because she's very sweet and very good looking and knows everyone. Most people would be flattered that she wants to be their friend. I'm not flattered. I'm disgusted. I think the fact that I'm not responding the way she wants bothers her. I just would like her to be off my back after 10 years. What should I do?
Cheshire Cat Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Tell her something like "Thank you for calling me/asking me to go out - I appreciate that you asked me, but I will be honest: I'd rather not hang out with you because I feel unconfortable in your company. Sorry about that. Anyway I would like you to know that I consider you a friendly and easygoing person - you are always *really* nice to me". The infamous "it's not you, it's me" line, and all its variations could actually come in handy in such a situation like this one. Make sure to use it profusely.
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Sorry to rain on your situation but 'GROW UP'. It is obvious that you can't stand her because you are jealous of her. You feel she is competition. What you are complaining about is so darn immature.. Study up on psychology and learn what jealous is all about and get a heart. You need to build up your self-esteem and get yourself in a position where you don't judge other people inappropriately.. This whole complaint isn't about Pamela its about you...... Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you would want to be friends with YOU. She hasn't done anything wrong. She hasn't done anything intentionally against you.. You are rejecting her because you feel like she has more going for her then you do. Your afraid that she will steal everything away from you if you are close to her. Or Maybe you carry to much guilt for being mean to her when she didn't deserve it just because you find her a threat. Or is this because you envy her so much that you can't stand the thought of not being able to obtain what she has----a big and good heart for all people??? I seriously think you are acting very immature and inappropriate. Your not being fair because of your own fears. If she only knew how you reject her and why she wouldn't want to be friends with you. I wouldn't want to be friends with you.
Cheshire Cat Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 I do not think moredeborah needs to "grow up" - and it does not sound like she blamed anything on Pamela. She might be jealous - if so, so what? She just does not like her. You do not always need an obvious reason, or any reason at all, not to like someone - unless of course you are one of those people who just *have* to be friends with everybody. I would find it more immature (and quite sad) to pretend to be friends with and hang out with someone whose company you do not like just because he/she is nice to you. My advice is do not spend time with people whose company is not good for you. You can still be nice and polite to them, and it needn't be anyone's fault if you do not click with them.
Author moredeborah Posted November 5, 2006 Author Posted November 5, 2006 Sorry to rain on your situation but 'GROW UP'. It is obvious that you can't stand her because you are jealous of her. You feel she is competition. What you are complaining about is so darn immature.. Study up on psychology and learn what jealous is all about and get a heart. You need to build up your self-esteem and get yourself in a position where you don't judge other people inappropriately.. This whole complaint isn't about Pamela its about you...... Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you would want to be friends with YOU. She hasn't done anything wrong. She hasn't done anything intentionally against you.. You are rejecting her because you feel like she has more going for her then you do. Your afraid that she will steal everything away from you if you are close to her. Or Maybe you carry to much guilt for being mean to her when she didn't deserve it just because you find her a threat. Or is this because you envy her so much that you can't stand the thought of not being able to obtain what she has----a big and good heart for all people??? I seriously think you are acting very immature and inappropriate. Your not being fair because of your own fears. If she only knew how you reject her and why she wouldn't want to be friends with you. I wouldn't want to be friends with you.\ Okay dude, I know what jealousy is and this is not about jealousy. I admit, there was a time where there was jealousy, but I've gotten over that, but that doesn't mean I have to be her friend. So what that she's good looking and has lots of friends? If you knew me, then maybe you'd say the same about me. I'm not here to compare anyone. I came here to tell you that this girl has been in my life for 10 years, we see each other all the time and she has done something that bothered me to the point that I don't respect her. (did you even see the part where she made this big deal about the death of my good friend that she barely even knew?) And yes, I would want to be friends with me. I respect other people and I'm an honest person to myself and others. I learn from my mistakes. I don't pretend to be something I'm not to get people to like me. You don't know me and you definately don't know her. She has no respect for people. She tried to get attention by telling people that she was good friends with a best friend of mine because she passed away. Think to yourself. Would you want to be friends with someone that cried at your best friends funeral, and you know that your best friend hated her for STEALING HER BOYFRIEND? No. You wouldn't. I want so badly to just tell you exactly how I feel about you, but that would just be me assuming the worst in you. I guess I see your point. I admit that I USED to be jealous of her. But that was erased when I saw the real Pamela. The one that lies to get attention. The one that has no respect for other people. Before then, I didn't want to be her friend because there was too much awkward situations between us, I didn't feel confident that I could get over them. After my friend passed away, I didn't want to be her friend because I don't want a friend who will do anything to stay popular. Just, do the world a favor and stop giving bad advice.
Author moredeborah Posted November 5, 2006 Author Posted November 5, 2006 I do not think moredeborah needs to "grow up" - and it does not sound like she blamed anything on Pamela. She might be jealous - if so, so what? She just does not like her. You do not always need an obvious reason, or any reason at all, not to like someone - unless of course you are one of those people who just *have* to be friends with everybody. I would find it more immature (and quite sad) to pretend to be friends with and hang out with someone whose company you do not like just because he/she is nice to you. My advice is do not spend time with people whose company is not good for you. You can still be nice and polite to them, and it needn't be anyone's fault if you do not click with them. Thank you Cheshire Cat. I was afraid that someone would assume that I would be jealous of Pamela. I'm so sick and tired of the people that try to post their own judgements on people here. I try to help people out in this message board. People don't ask for advice just to be talked to meanly or to be judged. People usually just have a problem and would like just someone to help them out. I think I will try to give her just and honest way of saying "It's not you, it's me." But I wish someday I could let her know that my friend who passed away was still angry that Pamela stole her boyfriend (they cheated on my friend) and it was very insensitive that she used her death for some kind of self-promotion. GOD. Maybe I should just forget about it. It really isn't that big of a deal. Thanks though. Thank you very much.
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Pamela is that sort of person where EVERYONE has to like her. I think the fact that I'm not responding the way she wants bothers her. I just would like her to be off my back after 10 years. What should I do?Warning: I'm a mean-arsed bastard and you should take this advice with a grain of salt. I'm a big fan of the "ignore them and they'll go way" approach. If that doesn't work then I would go for constructive honesty. Yes, honestly. I have had people give me the awful truth on more than one occasion in my life, and whilst it hurt to hear it, I'm so happy that I did. (Otherwise I would be an even meaner mean-arsed bastard.) But, of course, some people are beyond constructive criticism, and just fall back into denial. (Lucky that I'm never living in denial of the truth, haha.) Just, do the world a favor and stop giving bad advice. You tell that mean-arsed bastard (it takes one to know one, you see). Definitely bad advice. And from yet another Guest. Got to love a gestalt.
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Oh yeah. And with honesty comes the risk of being brandished as mean in front of her entire group of "friends" (I use that term loosely). That's not a risk in my book, though. Life is too short to waste too much of it pussy-footing around.
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