Found out a few weeks ago

[Sharp Stick]

I found out three weeks ago that my wife had an affair with her boss for about 10 months in 1998. They worked and traveled together, so it was easy to hide. She moved on to another job a few years after the end and he has since moved to a different city. She says she ended it because she loved me and wanted to work on our marraige.

 

It all came out because he called her cell and I happend to be standing by the phone and saw his name. She was concerned that I would think she was having an affair and came clean. She assurs me that it ended in 1998 and she has not had intimate contact with him since, but they remained friends and spoke on the phone from time to time.

 

Background:

We have no kids. We dated for almost 10 years before getting married in 1994. I am 38, she is 36. If you add all this up. We grew up together. She is my only sexual partner. I am evidently not hers now.

 

Now I have good days and bad. Down time when I'm driving for long trips is especially tough. I have been trying to recreate time lines and figure out when and where and what, but it was so long ago. I can't seem to piece it all together. Not sure why that matters.

 

I guess my questions to the forum are,

 

1. when do you stop the obsessed thoughts? I have flashes of them together and my stomach sinks. These are getting better but I still have times when I can't shake it.

 

2. Am I being unreasonable because I'm not sure I believe it ended in 1998, and certainly don't believe they had no intimate contact since. They were still traveling together for a few years after, and they maintained contact up until a few weeks ago.

 

3. Right now I don't see divorce as an option. Will I get to a point where I can't take the pain and decide to start over with someone else? I hope not.

[hardrock]

I found out three weeks ago that my wife had an affair with her boss for about 10 months in 1998. They worked and traveled together, so it was easy to hide. She moved on to another job a few years after the end and he has since moved to a different city. She says she ended it because she loved me and wanted to work on our marraige.

 

It all came out because he called her cell and I happend to be standing by the phone and saw his name. She was concerned that I would think she was having an affair and came clean. She assurs me that it ended in 1998 and she has not had intimate contact with him since, but they remained friends and spoke on the phone from time to time.

 

Background:

We have no kids. We dated for almost 10 years before getting married in 1994. I am 38, she is 36. If you add all this up. We grew up together. She is my only sexual partner. I am evidently not hers now.

 

Now I have good days and bad. Down time when I'm driving for long trips is especially tough. I have been trying to recreate time lines and figure out when and where and what, but it was so long ago. I can't seem to piece it all together. Not sure why that matters.

 

I guess my questions to the forum are,

 

1. when do you stop the obsessed thoughts? I have flashes of them together and my stomach sinks. These are getting better but I still have times when I can't shake it.

 

2. Am I being unreasonable because I'm not sure I believe it ended in 1998, and certainly don't believe they had no intimate contact since. They were still traveling together for a few years after, and they maintained contact up until a few weeks ago.

 

3. Right now I don't see divorce as an option. Will I get to a point where I can't take the pain and decide to start over with someone else? I hope not.

 

1. You stop obsessing when you get a clear reality of the hows, whys, whens, and wheres. Only when there is radical honesty on her part, and a plan to make your marriage better.

 

2. Not unreasonable. You may never know the absolute truth on every situation, since it was so long ago. But I can almost guarantee with a little time she could tell you 95% of it. Since the contact never stopped, this could be bad. Make sure she does not try to leave out things to NOT hurt you, because not knowing is the hardest part. Wayward spouses just do not realize this.

 

3. You must not rule out divorce until you are satisfied this can work. Don't give her a definitive answer yet. You have been traumatized, and this sends the subliminal message that it is ok to cheat on you. If you want to this to work out, she needs to feel a little insecure and you need to be "chased" a bit. Also, don't go to a marriage counselor until all contact has stopped, and you feel she has responded in a manner that leaves no doubt that she wants to work on the marriage. It will do you no good, trust me.

[Sup]

Why don't you see divorce as an option, Imean up until 3 weeks ago your life, marriage had been nothing but a LIE. If I were you, she would be gone.......

[Sharp Stick]

Hardrock,

I appreciate your insite, she is still in the stage where she will do anything and say anything to make this right. I am sure more will come out as we move forward.

 

I keep thinking to myself that this was long ago, we are different people now. Like I said before, we grew up together. The 'best friends' cliche really fits us. I love her deeply and I can't remember feeling as solid in our relationship as I have the last few years. With the exception of the current situation, of course.

 

I have made no promises to her concerning divorce, it is just something I will consider as a last resort. If I can't get past the pain I will have no choice. I would rather focus on making this right, then go into divorce mode than jump the gun on a divorce that I can't take back.

 

She has cut off contact with him. I watched as she sent a letter through email and I have access to he cell account to check. She just walked in as I was writting this and I think it upset her to know that I am participating. Better go check on her.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry what you are going through. I almost guarantee you that you have not received the full story. It seems unreasonable to believe she was screwing him for 10 months in 1998 and then stopped but continued traveling with him for a few more years. Come on you can't really believe that? The fact that she has continued to stay in contact with him for all of this time is a huge slap in the face to you. It again seems unreasonable to believe that the sex stopped when she was traveling with him.

 

The fact is that she has cheated on you for an extended time, put your health at risk for STD's, lied to you for all of this time and continued to stay in contact with her affair partner. My friend if the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would believe the crap that she has told you? She is putting the best spin she can on it. The fact that she never broke contact with him is a total insult to you and your marriage and is the smoking gun. I think she is scared of losing her material life. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions of all of this time remaining in contact speaks volumes. You can bet the affair continued as long as they were travelling together which is why she has remained in contact the whole time. I am sorry but it sounds like she trying to pull the wool over your eyes. I am very sorry for you.

[whichwayisup]

The friendship between them has to end completely. No calls, no emails. No contact.

 

I think you need to find out why she did this and make sure SHE understands what's she done. (Meaning your love, faith and trust in her isn't the same since she told you.) And to help you both through this go to marriage counselling together. It may help you as well to go one on one counselling because of your pain and anger.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

 

1. when do you stop the obsessed thoughts?

 

When you put a bullet in your brain or when you have another women of your own...

 

Go find some women and enjoy them. She did, you deserve it too. Don't fall for this crap about how that won't help rebuild your relationship. You can be selfish too, not just your cheating wife.

 

2. Am I being unreasonable because I'm not sure I believe it ended in 1998, and certainly don't believe they had no intimate contact since. They were still traveling together for a few years after, and they maintained contact up until a few weeks ago.

Oh, no they played you for a fool once, why assume they are still being bad people? Of course they changed..

 

Why do you want to stay with this woman? Are you so ugly she's the only woman that will hop into bed with you? She's the only woman in the world that might give you a little love now and then when she's not busy with someone else?

 

3. Right now I don't see divorce as an option. Will I get to a point where I can't take the pain and decide to start over with someone else? I hope not.

Why not dirvorce? You like being a doormat? Your wife should never see or talk or have any contact what so ever with this guy ever again. Not once! If she's still working with this guy that means she quits. Finds another job. Man... stop being such a duffus...

 

She is my only sexual partner. I am evidently not hers now.

Change that... and soon. Maybe you can live with that for the rest of your life, but I know I couldn't.

 

she needs to feel a little insecure and you need to be "chased" a bit.

a little insecure --- no I'd say a lot insecure.

 

Why on earth would you want it to work out? You deserve better than her that is for sure.

 

she is still in the stage where she will do anything and say anything to make this right.

you mean she'll tell you any lie to make this right...

 

Tell her you are going to have sex with other woman and see what she says about that! I would make it very clear to her that she's had another man (and are you sure it's just one?) , so you can have other women. If she's not willing to accept that, ask her why it was OK for her, but not OK for you. I'd really like to know her answer to that one.

 

The 'best friends' cliche really fits us.

So just to clarify, you are best friends with benifits - not husband and wife. You are really just roommates not lovers.

 

Better go check on her.

Doormat. You have to check on her feelings after she's done this to your marriage? geez...

 

I know, her affair was all a long time ago, in the past.... but then your affairs will be in the past after you have them too, so no big deal...

[Sharp Stick]

Flyin in the clouds,

I am about half drunk at this time and am not dealing well. But i do have a question? what situation would you see as an ameanable situation? What would be a case where it could work out and live a long life together? Is there any situation where you could be cheated on and reconcile?

[hardrock]

Using Clouds harsh methodology, no one is suitable for a relationship. Makes some good points, but it's lost in the strict obtuseness.

 

What have you found out so far the past few weeks? Has she given you the information you need, or is there still many doubts? Has she opened up her cell records, all email accounts, credit card bills, etc.

 

I will tell you one thing that is totally my opinion. If she ended the affair, it was one of two reasons.

 

1. The guy just wasn't who or what she thought he was. Most affairs end this way after that much time. The fantasy land she had 10 years ago stopped for some reason. Find out why.

 

2. The guy stopped the affair himself for some reason and she couldn't continue. She probably knows why, but probably won't admit it for some time.

 

Remember, the guilt didn't stop it. It went on for 10 months, and no one (presumably the other spouses) knew about it. Sure she has guilt now, and probably then too, but not enough to persuade her not to proceed. She has to reassess her boundaries and figure out what allowed her to lower them. You need to see this process and hear her say it.

 

I'll be honest with you too. The length of contact looks really bad. To have been intimate with someone, she had serious emotions for him. To have maintained contact for so long, and to have hidden it so well, it would have been easy to keep any trysts hidden. You don't have kids, so there is nothing binding you together but love, trust, and faith. You have lost 2 of those already.

 

If you don't have kids, I promise you it will be on easier YOU to move on. You will see what I mean in 2 years. If you do have kids, I think it's better to improve your marriage and work through the pain, if both spouses are committed to make amends. No one can tell you what to do, but I wouldn't let her off and take her back without some huge changes.

[only1life]

To stay or leave - it all comes down to you deciding if your life with her is going to be better than your life without her. You can forgive everything, but you'll never forget. No, you just have to learn to live with the past. But you'll have to live with that regardless of staying or leaving. And while "revenge is sweet," it doesn't make things better, it only makes you as low as she was. One thing, if you break up, getting back together is nearly impossible. But if you give it a try and stay, and it still doesn't get better, you can always leave.

 

Assess your situation. If you feel like things are better with her in your life, and if she's willing to open up all her hidden communications / emails / travels / accounts, and she's willing to work to repair the damage she has done in order to make you begin to trust her again, give it a try. It can work. I know, personally.

 

And about that "it was over in 1998" stuff, forget it, it wasn't over, if it was, they wouldn't have kept in contact. Maybe the sex was over (maybe not) but the affair continues, until she stops thinking and feeling for him, when she should be thinking and feeling for you.

[Sharp Stick]

only1life

''To stay or leave - it all comes down to you deciding if your life with her is going to be better than your life without her. You can forgive everything, but you'll never forget. No, you just have to learn to live with the past. But you'll have to live with that regardless of staying or leaving. And while "revenge is sweet," it doesn't make things better, it only makes you as low as she was. One thing, if you break up, getting back together is nearly impossible. But if you give it a try and stay, and it still doesn't get better, you can always leave.''

 

This hits home for me. Thanks. As stated previously, up until I found out about the past, I was incredibly happy with my marriage. We had even started discussion of adopting a child, definite hold on that for now. My life is better with her and leaving will not take away the pain.

 

My problem now is the 'not believing'. Like another poster has stated, I find the continued contact unsettling. According to her cell records they talked about every three weeks. She says it was usually work related, they enjoy ripping on past coworkers. It doesn't matter. Things like when and where really don't matter, but I don't believe what she tells me. That is the trust issue and that is where I get stuck. If she is still lying to me about any of this, then I'm in trouble.

 

I do believe her when she says the physical contact stopped long ago. We started marrage counseling the month she says it stopped. She says she ended it because I was willing to work on our marrage. Came out of counseling in pretty good shape and haven't really looked back.

 

The counseling was her idea and she had asked me to go several months before I relented. I don't know why she didn't bring this up at that time.

 

Had a little hitch when she suspected I was having an affair with one of my coworkers. I guess a boomerang effect, if I'm not trustworthy then neither is he. I'm not sure if she used that as an excuse to do anything. I suspect, but she says no. I was not having an affair, by the way, but had she brought this up in counseling I may have. There was opourtunity, she was probably right to be suspicious.

 

I think she has been working hard to take a look at herself and what about her character flaws allowed such a vial breach of human decency, that may be harsh, and I think she is really down on herself for what she sees. She has broken down on several occassions the last few weeks and been really hard on herself, and I let her, but I feel for her. She has committed to do whatever I need to make this right. I don't know what I require, we shall see.

[FlyingHigh]

SS,

 

Been there where you've been. Not easy. My stbXH created a perfect and stellar image for himself. Along with his colleagues, friends and family, I was fooled. He managed to live a double life for 2-1/2 years of our 3 yr marriage. He started cheating just six months after our wedding. I would have never known of his affair had he not hooked with a stupid and desperate OW who threatened him that if he didn't leave me for her, she would've come to our home and tried to hurt me. This is one of those consequences cheating spouses don't take into account when they decide to cheat.

 

Over time, cheaters perfect the art of lying and sneaking. Like you, I loved my H and wanted to make the marriage work. He seemed genuine in his efforts. We went to counseling. But he continued to lie. He even convinced his individual counselor and our counselor how he changed. Yeah, right! It was all show because it gave him the perfect alibi to everyone that "he tried". Ex H to be even swore on his dying mother's death bed that he stopped contact with the OW. Then, caught the lying ba$$$tard redhanded. And he backpaddled with more lies. I was done!

 

But, here's what I did that helped kill the affair. I EXPOSED it to the light of day to his family, friends, to the OW's family, email contacts and co-workers. I found XH email password account and copied his OW's deranged, fatal attraction type emails to me which I attached to everyone I exposed to. Thanks to www.marriagebuilders.com for this recommendation.

 

I followed the Plan A&B principles. When the first exposure didn't work, and learned that XH 2B was negatively characterizing me to his friends AND boss, I reexposed the lying b$$$stard to those whom he bad mouthed me to including his boss. At that point, I just didn't care anymore. XH wasn't capable of being honest.

 

Check out www.marriagebuilders.com. You will find a myrad of pointers and advice. There are success stories when the cheating spouse "recommitts him/herself to the marriage. Mine was committed to no one else but himself. Divorce is in progess.

 

Here's some pointers that might help you know if your wife is still lying. Consider this necessary snooping.

 

1. Follow your gut instinct. They're there for a reason.

 

2. Check her purse, briefcase, car to see if she has prepaid calling cards. I found 4 in various places.

 

3. Your wife may have created another email account, ie. hotmail.

 

4. Is her cell turned off at night or leaves it in the car? Is it turned off when you two go out or are together?

 

5. If you're computer savy or know just enough to uncover deleted emails.

 

6. Pretend to go out of town on business and see if she disappears the vnight you're supposed to be gone.

 

7. Is her cell turn off or does it kick in to her voice during the times you used to be able to reach her?

 

8. Is she distracted constantly, ie. forgetting things? Usually a sign that she might still be cheating.

 

Here's another leverage that you might have. Since she had an affair with her boss, check to see if there is a company policy against affairs between management and their subordinates. Companies frown against this because of potential lawsuits. Cheaters have lost their jobs as a result. In military, cheaters are court martialed and face dishonorable discharge. Ya think this would be good enough reason to NOT cheat? Apparently not.

 

If the OM is married, expose him to his wife.

 

Expect the emotional roller coaster ride you are going through. This is normal for any betrayed spouse. You are grieving for the "loss" of the solid marriage you thought you had. Seek some counseling if you need to. Some betrayed spouse opt for anti-depressant just to get through. Try not to. This is temporary. And it does get easier as time goes by.

 

Expect you can't make your wife "understand" why she cheated in the first place. It's her responsibility. But it is BOTH of your responsibility learn and understand your marriage if it has any chance of surviving. You marriage will not survive if only one of you is 100% committed.

 

Don't try to make sense of what happened otherwise you'll just beat yourself up for it. There is no rational explanation. Cheating is a selfish act. It has nothing to do with you as a person, man or husband. It has a lot to do with your wife being "broken" which she tried to fix by cheating.

[only1life]

Well, every situation is different. I respect FH's position, but they'd only been married 6 months when the affair happened. My case, we'd been together over 25 years, and we'd built up quite a life together, a lot that I wasn't ready to just walk away from, (or kick her out from) although I did (and sometimes still do, the hurt goes away very very slowly) consider that as a very real option.

 

You situation is somewhere in between. Honestly, staying together won't be easy, but you have to estimate what your life will be like between the 2 choices, and go with what you think will be better. Sounds like your wife wants to rebuild, and that's one requirement for rebuilding. And it sounds like your wife is probably not one of those repeat cheaters who make a lifestyle of cheating. But it is up to you now. If you have ever wanted an "out" you now have the perfect opportunity. But if you feel you have a good shot at a nice future with her, then put everything into it and give it a try.

 

There's a lot of good books out there. I read one called "After the Affair" by Janis Spring, it was an easy read, and it pretty much put things in perspective, cause at that point, there was a lot of confused thoughts in my head.

 

If you go to counceling, make sure the counciler has experience in this field, otherwise you're throwing away money to have someone sit and listen, but can't give you any useful advise back, or worse, doesn't understand the severity of the situation.

 

Good luck.

[FlyingHigh]

Well, every situation is different. I respect FH's position, but they'd only been married 6 months when the affair happened. My case, we'd been together over 25 years, and we'd built up quite a life together, a lot that I wasn't ready to just walk away from, (or kick her out from) although I did (and sometimes still do, the hurt goes away very very slowly) consider that as a very real option.

Good luck.

Affair after 6 months or 25 years of marriage, the pain of betrayal and breach of trust is still the same no matter how you slice it.

 

The choice of walking away or staying to rebuild the marriage is still the same...a choice, whether the affair started 6 months or 25 years of marriage.

 

The emotional roller coaster ride during the entire process of rebuilding the marriage is still the same whether the affair started after 6 months or 25 years of marriage.

 

The timeline for recovery following a divorce may vary by individual, but it's still the same whether the affair started 6 months or 25 years of marriage.

 

Just because the affair started 6 months or 25 years of marriage, affair is an affair. Cheating is still cheating. Any marriage breached and tainted by an affair has equal opportunity of surviving or being destroyed.

 

The difference lies in the committment of both spouses. Historical length of marriage does not determine the success of rebuilding or survival of the marriage. It comes down to COMMITTMENT, the one thing that was destroyed by the cheating spouse AND the ability or willingness to FORGIVE by the betrayed spouse.

[Sharp Stick]

When I first found out about this, my initial reaction was, who knows? She has many close friends who I would suspect she would talk to about this. She told me that none of her close friends knew, she was too embarrassed to talk to them, she knew they would not approve. She did tell me she talked to a mutual friend about it years ago. Turns out our friend was beginning an affair of her own at the time and my wife tried to talk the friend out of going down that path, and encouraged counseling for she and her husband before it was too late.

 

I contacted the friend because I was having trouble moving beyond the time frame stuff. According to the friend, my wife told her then, years ago, that it was the dumbest things she ever did in her life and regretted it from the start.

 

The friend wasn’t really able to help with time frame, but I know the affair was over at least 5 years ago, that is when our friend's started. Our friend subsequently was caught and ended up divorced and we haven’t had any contact with her for about two years. I am sure my wife was not able to ‘coach’ her in any way. The friend's time frame ignorance and the fact that the wife had no way of knowing I would attempt to contact the friend tells me the friend was telling the truth. I checked phone records to be certain. I am confident what our friend says is the truth about my wife’s true feelings for me, that she has had a 100% commitment to our relationship for many years and she will do anything to making this right. However, my time frame issue remained.

 

In desperation, I contacted the other man. He was unwilling to go into times and dates, and I understand that. Probably unfair for me to ask, but I was feeling desperate. It did me some good to get a little of his perspective and close that option.

 

Part of my obsession and the reason I couldn’t move forward was because in the back of my mind I thought, ‘simply call these people and you will know for sure and can move on’. Well I did and still don’t know for sure, but I feel like I can move on because I have no choice, I will never know if she is telling me the truth. I believe what I believe and I can live with that.

 

Things are going really well. I have good days, bad days but can cope. It has been a little over a month, but I feel like I have moved beyond the real bitterness. I can now work on getting what I need from her and this relationship to forgive and build back some trust, but that part will take a while. I thought our marriage was great before I found out, but now I feel like working through this, that things will actually be better in the end. We will see what tomorrow brings.

[smartgirl]

I discovered by husband's affair in April. At that point the sex had been "ended" for about two months, but they still talked and saw each other daily.

 

My husband and I met when we were 16 and have been together 33 years, married for 27. I love him dearly and hate his guts for making me feel so bad. Still a mixed bag, but we are going in the right direction.

 

I have some practical advice:

o don't try to do this totally on you own. Find a good psychologist and both of you go! We went through two before we settled on the one we have now. They are not all the same, but if you feel better after the session and not worse, they are a good one.

 

o read everything you can. After the Affair by Abrams-Spring is an absolute must read. We both read it and it has been very helpful. The marriagebuilder.com site was also great.

 

o she must tell you everything you ask, even if it will hurt you. I tried to construct a vision of the affair that wouldn't hurt so much. But only now that I know how ugly it really was do I feel like I am able to go forward. Just know, once they come out of the addiction and infatuation that kept the affair going they become foggier on why they did what they did. It is an addiction - do some research on that.

 

o stay close physically. You both need it to get better even if you don't especially like the thought of it.

 

o at least she came clean to you right away and didn't try to cover it up. If she hadn't told you, you would never know that there was actually an affair. That shows she is ready to tell you the truth. It was probably a relief.

 

o carve out regular times to be together and set limits on when you talk about the affair. I was killing my husband and me by talking about it day and night. I offered to keep it to three specific nights of the week (weekends should be off limits). Then I felt entitled to bring it up and he didn't live in fear of being constantly ambushed by the subject.

 

o she must agree to sever ALL contact with him forever. No calls, emails, IMs - NOTHING! It will never truely be over until there is no contact.

 

o as long as she treats you respectfully, participates in the healing, tells you everything you ask (BUT be careful what you ask because you can't make the memory go away later) and you don't find out she has continued to lie (it will come out) you will be able to rebuild trust over time. This is something she has to earn from this day forward. She must be totally open and transparent - you should be able to see emails and check voicemails or whatever. You deserve the right to reassure yourself and she has to accept that.

 

o when you really start talking and reading, I think you will find that there was something lacking in the marriage. For women it is usually that they feel they aren't getting the kind of attention that they need. Be open to the fact that you may have played a role in how she was feeling at the time. It didn't cause the affair, but it probably contributed.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world. It isn't easy, not by a long shot. But if you meant it when you said "for better or for worse" then this is surely the worse and hopefully better is to come.

[FlyingHigh]

I will never know if she is telling me the truth. I believe what I believe and I can live with that.

That's just it. You will never know until she has earned your trust. Like my stbxH, she will tell you what you want/need to hear. In the cheater's foggy mind, it's their way of thinking which is to spare hurting you. Like they already haven't.

 

If you haven't already read "Surviving an Affair" on www.marriagebuilders.com, do so to help you better understand and cope.

 

Contacting the OM is pointless. They will lie just to cover their behind. Been there. In fact, contacting the OM can and will guarantee a contact by him to your wife just so they can both conspire to tell you the same story.

 

Things are going really well. I have good days, bad days but can cope.

You will continue to have trigger moments. Anything that will remind you of the OM will affect you the way you see and spend time with your wife. These trigger moments will sometimes cause you to be repulsed by the sight of your wife and thoughts of her being touched by the OM. Unfortunately, this is part of the emotional "roller coaster" ride. The irony to this is the OM/OW don't see their MW/MM in the same dingy thought. It doesn't cross their mind that once they've had their sexual fulfillment, their MM/MW goes home and do the same to their respective spouse---double dipping their wick.

 

Keep in mind that though these trigger moments are normal, how they affect you will determine if you will allow them. And how your wife behaves to earning your trust will determine the length of your ability/willingness to allow yourself to trust her again.

 

It is a tough road ahead. Check Dr. Phil's website as well. There's a section on infidelity that you and your wife should read.

 

Good luck.

[InaPanic]

I admire & respect you for giving your marriage the opportunity. This is coming from a wife who cheated & is fortunate enough to have a husband that is doing the same thing you are & i'm sure going thru the same emotions you are. Some here, tho not many, may try to make you feel bad, weak or less of a man than they are for staying...please ignore these people & their posts (you can block posts if you wish ) & concentrate on what YOU want. Not what your wife wants or what other people think you should want. This is your life & only you know at the end of the day what you want to happen. As another poster said, if you leave now the chances of it working for you two or reconciling is slimmer, but if you stay & find 6 months, a year, two years down the road you just cannot forgive her & move on then you can seperate/divorce.

 

YOU are such a strong, brave individual for having the backbone & emotional stability to attempt to see this thru. To just say f**k it & leave to me is the easy way out in a lot of respects. It would be the easy way out for her too (trust me, i gave lots of consideration to this because at times it did seem easier to just start over than to have to live with it every day in his eyes - i still deal with this sometimes). You hang in there. Also, I do think that it is possible for affairs to happen to people who have not really done anything wrong. My husband didn't, i can lay no blame that i'm aware of on him (i'm in counseling now) & i've never tried to blame him. I do think it was something missing inside of me, i'm not sure what yet but try not to blame yourself. You sound like a great guy.

[NoIDidn't]

I second InaPanic.

 

You do what is best for you. You do what you truly want. Lots of people advise to leave a cheater, until it happens to them.

 

You do indeed sound like a very thoughtful, considerate, reasonable, and kind guy. Your W's story sounds entirely believable and you could always check the phone records to verify if they were in constant contact. It could be that the old boss was getting lonely and decided to call her out of the blue looking to renew contact. She obviously doesn't want it and came clean. That takes a lot of guts.

 

Its a lot harder to stay and work past the affair. It takes a real coward to run with their tale between their legs. You sound like a brave guy. Get some professional help to help you with your feelings. Get into MC, or go through a good recovery workbook with your W.

[Sharp Stick]

My weekend was a little iffy. Basically only one person in our circle knows anything about this and she has been ‘exiled’ because of an affair of her own. Well, the wife and I are golfers and we hooked up with another friend to play some golf. This was our first outing with friends since all of this broke. The entire round, either she or I were wondering if we were projecting something that would give us away. I was thinking, what he would be thinking if he knew the whole story. She was thinking similar thoughts. She says she looks at people and envies that they have lives that don’t include this crap. He even commented on how great my wife was looking. Normally, something that would make me laugh, she was looking good, but this weekend it made me jealous. She has lost 15 lbs from the stress of all of this, I'm down a few lbs myself. Should write a diet book or something.

 

Background, I have a group of friends I have known since elementary school. I live in my hometown, this was one of them. We have been close our entire lives, I was standing outside the door when his children were born. He is close and would be a great support for me, but I can’t bring myself to make this public at this time. I think this issue would make a normal life in the future impossible for the wife and I together, and my goal is to make this work for us together.

 

After discussing some of my issues from the weekend, she began feeling terrible. Said she cannot believe she could do something to mess up what we have. She said she thought if she moved out I could heal. I disagree, one thing that keeps me going is the effort and support she has given me. We have had no problems being intimate, in fact as far as letting her chase me, she has and I have let her catch me, pretty much a couple times a day.

 

My feelings are dulled a little by the extended time since the affair. 8 years by her account, at least 5 by my worst case scenario. I almost feel silly to let something that happened that long ago jeopardize what we have. There are up and downs and we have been good at working through the tough times. Regardless of her awful mistake, she is a special person, and I love her very much

 

To the board, I appreciate your advice and support. We have followed all advice as to contact, support, and guidelines. I believe she is committed to me and I am sure this will work out if she can deal with my sometimes vindictive attitude. I get a little bitter from time to time.

[Sup]

Has she EVER stated as to WHY she had the affair, and WHY she kept it so long from you? That's a looooong time to live a lie. Also, have you contacted her BOSSES wife? I'm sure she would like to know, revenge or not, she needs to know, he needs to squirm himself! Why do I ask this? Why should he BANG your wife and get away with it? Have you thought about hurting him, I don't recommend it though......

[Sharp Stick]

The why for the affair is not important to me. Why has been a question for me since day one, but if she ever tried to justify or rationalize the affair I would explode. There is no why that could be good enough. To her credit she has stated the same and has not attempted to give me a why. Only that she feels horrible and that it was the biggest mistake she has ever made.

 

She says she didn’t bring it up years ago because she was afraid I would’ve said goodbye. She is probably right, and yes she was a coward, afraid to face the consequences of her actions. At this time, while she is hurting as well, she is probably relieved to get all this out.

 

I have not attempted to contact his wife because I would rather not add that dynamic to my situation. All I need is some pissed off guy trying to make my life miserable. I would probably do something I would regret if I had to deal with him daily. He has been cooperative as far as no contact with me or the wife. We were cordial when I contacted him about timeline. He never apologized, but he did play along and gave me a little more perspective on the situation.

 

As I told him in an email to let him know he would have no further contact with my wife, minus character, conscious, and a sense of morality, I could be in his shoes. I was set up for an affair of my own with a coworker but never followed through. What he does with his wife is his call. In the back of my mind, I wish I didn’t know about all of this….ignorance is bliss.

[Sup]

This guy make YOUR life miserable? He already has done that! Time to make his miserable! Just my view......

[reservoirdog1]

The likelihood of him doing anything further to make your life miserable is pretty small. By telling his wife, he'll likely have far too much on his plate to spend time trying to get in touch with your wife. Plus, his wife will probably be keeping closer tabs on him. Affairs thrive in secrecy -- exposure helps.

 

And finally... the f*ckhole deserves it. If that's the only revenge you ever take on him, he can consider himself lucky.

[Sup]

The likelihood of him doing anything further to make your life miserable is pretty small. By telling his wife, he'll likely have far too much on his plate to spend time trying to get in touch with your wife. Plus, his wife will probably be keeping closer tabs on him. Affairs thrive in secrecy -- exposure helps.

 

And finally... the f*ckhole deserves it. If that's the only revenge you ever take on him, he can consider himself lucky.

 

 

I agree..... The LOSER needs it!