Baileykeg Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Hi everyone. I haven't been on in a while. For those of you that need to catch up on my saga...my MM and I started dating after he separated, we've been together for close to a year. He still hasn't filed for divorce. We agreed that a deadline and some time apart would allow him to do what he needs to do to get the paperwork filed. We set a deadline of Nov. 4th for him to have filed the paperwork. We weren't supposed to be talking until then but we've both broken the NC and have seen each other. He told his entire family about his plans for divorce and that he was dating me. We've talked about children, marriage, future plans, etc. I've told him repeatedly that if Nov. 4th comes and the papers haven't been filed that he doesn't need to come to see me. He says that it will be done by then. I have dinner plans on the 5th that he has said he wants to come to and bring his brothers. He's made plans like he will be here but the problem is that the papers haven't been filed yet. He says he is clear now on what he wants and that he knows he needs to file the papers. He says he will. I had a trip out of town last weekend that he surprised me and showed up at. Our mutual friends helped him coordinate the surprise. He made a huge effort to get there for me (flying several hours and then driving 6 more). Am I naieve to think that he would do stuff like that, telling his family about me and making future plans if he wasn't going to have this done by the 4th? It's only a couple of days away!! I'm so panicked! I'm trying really hard not to bring it up and ask the status between now and then but I need to know before he plans to come into town if he's done it or not. I have to hold strong to my decision that if he doesn't do it by the 4th as we agreed then I have to walk away and TRULY have no contact. He knows this. What should I do?
Jane Doe Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Actions speak louder than words. If he knows what he wants, then he will do what it takes to make it happen. Stick to your guns. Otherwise, you'll be in the same boat you're in now indefinitely. If you cave in and continue seeing him after the 4th (if papers aren't filed) you've lost all credibility.
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 If he hasn't filed by Nov 4th, end it. Him making future plans with you, telling you he wants to have children with you means nothing unless his words are backed up by action.
Art_Critic Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 You may be dating him.. but he isn't dating you.. he is married.. he is having an affair with you. Separated = Married No matter what context you put it in it still holds up true.. until the judge lays down the gavel he is married to another and spoken for. You need to stop making deadlines and make a good healthy decision for yourself and dump the married guy... He is stringing you along
NoIDidn't Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 You may be dating him.. but he isn't dating you.. he is married.. he is having an affair with you. Separated = Married No matter what context you put it in it still holds up true.. until the judge lays down the gavel he is married to another and spoken for. You need to stop making deadlines and make a good healthy decision for yourself and dump the married guy... He is stringing you along What AC and Whichway said. The 4th is a Sunday, how exactly is the filing supposed to work? If it isn't done by Friday evening, you know what you have to do. Don't hold your breath. Start making plans to be single. All he has to do is file some papers and if it hasn't been done by now, its an afterthought. He is stringing you along, and his family is watching.
SoleMate Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Am I naive to think that he wouldn't ...tell his family about me and make future plans if he wasn't going to have this done by the 4th? Yes, you are. Lots of MM attempt to take their fantasies all the way. They'll rent apartments, fill out divorce papers (but not file), being around family etc. This is all window dressing to snow either the OW or the MM himself. Take it from someone who is divorced...if you want to get divorced, you can. It's similar to filing your taxes. It's a lot of paperwork, but you'll do it if you have a good enough reason.
PoshPrincess Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Bailey, I am with the others. If he hasn't filed by 4th then you must go NC, otherwise this will just drag on and on and on and will seriously affect your mental health. You need to stick to your guns on this and not keep shifting the goal posts. I know NC won't be easy (I am 3 weeks now - yay!) but at least then you know you are on the (slow) road to recovery. If you don't end things with him it will mess with your head big time. I wish I had the strength to end things with MM long ago but now I know I am finally ready for the healing process. It dragged on over four long months before I got this far...... You have to allow him to know what he's missing and what he has to lose. Will be thinking of you on the 4th. Have everything xd for you and sincerely hope that it all works out x x
Guest Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 So what happened bailey? Did he file or was he stringing you along?
Author Baileykeg Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 Hi everyone. He went to the courthouse to file. The clerk said that he has to wait until Nov. 25th (actually the 29th because the 25th is a Sat.). There is a 6 month residency requirement and it won't be 6 months until Nov. 25th. He is committed to filing on the 29th. We are proceeding forward with making plans for our future once the paperwork is behind us. He says that he is 100% sure that he wants a future with me. I've told him that I am still reluctant to just blindly go forward until the paperwork is actually filed. I am being as guarded as I can until that happens. I want so much for everything he's said to be true but I guess I have to wait a little longer to see if it is true. I'll keep you posted.
Chapter2 Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 I'm very relieved for you BK. I wish both of you the very best. Pease keep us posted:) Hi everyone. He went to the courthouse to file. The clerk said that he has to wait until Nov. 25th (actually the 29th because the 25th is a Sat.). There is a 6 month residency requirement and it won't be 6 months until Nov. 25th. He is committed to filing on the 29th. We are proceeding forward with making plans for our future once the paperwork is behind us. He says that he is 100% sure that he wants a future with me. I've told him that I am still reluctant to just blindly go forward until the paperwork is actually filed. I am being as guarded as I can until that happens. I want so much for everything he's said to be true but I guess I have to wait a little longer to see if it is true. I'll keep you posted.
Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 Let me get this right.. He must not have an Attorney if he is speaking to the clerk ? I think he is pacifying you.. But I'm playing devils advocate here.. Filed doesn't equal divorce or even equal wanting to get a divorce.. A case can stay filed for months on end without her even being served.. She wouldn't even have to know about the filing... So he could file and tell you how he wants to move on and really he isn't. Now if he has to retain and pay for an Attorney then the chances are a little higher that it might go through.. A man wanting a divorce goes out and gets one.. I know.. I had to do it.. Most guys also don't have a GF beating their ear to get one either. Until the judge slams his gavel don't count your chickens.. he might not be divorced for years with his obvious ability to snow you over.. Just playing Devils Advocate as to keep your eyes open and open wide.. Art
November-Rain Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 You may be dating him.. but he isn't dating you.. he is married.. he is having an affair with you. Separated = Married No matter what context you put it in it still holds up true.. until the judge lays down the gavel he is married to another and spoken for. You need to stop making deadlines and make a good healthy decision for yourself and dump the married guy... He is stringing you along I agree with art_critic, you need to move on. MM is stringing you along.
Guest Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 The part about him filing without a lawyer concerns me. However, that aside, where I live, there is a minimum 1 year separated status required if there are children involved, before you can file. I have been separated for more than 2 years. We have not filed yet because of financial reasons only but believe me, there is no relationship between us other than what is required for the children. Legally separated means separated. There is a legal document that we abide by and I have no obligations to my ex other than stated in that document. I am not cheating on him by being with another man. (this has been upheld in court by a judge in respect to a friend's situation. Her ex was told by the judge in no uncertain terms that as of the date of the separation, her personal life is hers and he has no input about it. Period.) Best of luck to you!
BenThereDunThat Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 Trying this again. If it shows up twice, I apologize. When I went to see my lawyer, that was it. My divorce was filed THAT DAY. Granted, it was pretty simple, we didn't have kids, the house was in my name only. But still. My lawyer told me that since I was the Petitioner, there's "no stopping this train." And he was right. No matter what HE wanted, as long as I wanted this divorce, it would happen. Whether he showed up in court or not -- which he did. I don't know where you live, but if it's in the US, I wouldn't think the states differ a whole lot. If a person wants to get divorced, it will happen. Period.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 It took over a year for my D to finalize and where I live the soonest you can be D if it is not contested is six months from the file date...It may be different in other states...I speak for myself but the day I separated was the day I was D in my heart and I never went back...if there are assetts and children and a fight over anything or if one partner wants to drag it out, it can be done...and for years... I say if you think it will go in your favor and that you trust what your MM is saying then by all means go for it...Good luck...
lasan Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 I ran into the same thing with my divorce. Luckily in my state even if one spouse drags their feet, after a couple years the divorce will be granted anyway.
PoshPrincess Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 I say if you think it will go in your favor and that you trust what your MM is saying then by all means go for it...Good luck... Bailey, I agree with GEL. Go for it! I have no experience of divorce and I suspect it would be different in the UK anyway so cannot give you advice re that. Only YOU know your MM and your relationship. You are wise to be cautious until the 29th but if you love each other enough it will all work out in the end. I personally don't think he's stringing you along but that's just my opinion. Lots and lots of luck to you both and I hope we soon hear all about the happy ending you deserve x
a4a Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 It appears he is stating residency is the issue for the delay....... did you check this fact out? Your divorce laws should be availble via internet. Check it out. Something does not seem right at all. Sorry.
lasan Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 a4a- When I got divorced, that was exactly my Ex's hold up. He had to wait because he didn't qualify for residency. Ours is six months too. She might want to check to be sure, but 6 months seems to be the norm for residency to file a divorce.
Author Baileykeg Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 Thanks everyone for your concern and support. I appreciate all of your words of warning and believe me I am not going into this with my head in the sand. I'll try to answer some of your questions. First, he is an attorney and is able to file the paperwork himself. The laws in our state require a one year separation and that one of the parties be a resident of the county in which the paperwork is filed for 6 months. The W moved to the county where the divorce will be filed 5 1/2 months ago. My boyfriend moved back from Florida 5 months ago. We're waiting for the 6 month mark from the date that W moved to the county. I am in the legal field also and have verified everything that my boyfriend has told me. He has consulted with an attorney and has obtained the necessary forms for him to file himself. As far as service, he will have W served once the papers are filed. She knows it is coming. Everything is out in the open. This has been a very difficult and painful process for all of us. I believe in him and I believe that he will do what he says and put that part of his life behind him so that he and I can move forward. We're still not there yet but each day brings us closer to having what we both want. I thank all of you for your support during this rollercoaster ride!
Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 I thank all of you for your support during this rollercoaster ride! Thats what we are here for Keep coming back.. you are at the beginning of this rollercoaster ride and not the end.. I would suspect that once the W gets served that things are going to get real emotional..
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