robert2007 Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Dear everyone, I value your piece of advice a lot. I wish she could come on this website to explain her experience and understand how much of a change she needs. What happened is the following: I met this woman, early 30s, a few months ago. We fell in love very rapidly with each other. When I asked her when was the last time she had a relationship, she told me 6 months ago. Good time to start something new... However, after a month, she tells me she's probably married. She doesn't know for sure as paperwork takes time to process where she comes from. Then now she's telling me she's married and decided to go back to her husband. But then she came back, and it's only when her husband read an email that we had sent to each other, that she decided to really cut the rope. I've tried all I could to get her back, and I am so afraid that I'll feel too weak and tell her husband. Her husband is a prick, with nothing for himself, he was violent to her and cheated on her 10 months ago. I know she had another relationship with another man before me and I suspect that what she's having at home is so unsatisfactory for her that she needs to find another man. When the man confronted her, she denied. When she had confronted him 10 months ago, he had denied as well, even if she had some evidence of him registering on some shady website. I know I've known her for just a few months now, and I believed her deep in my heart. Now that I love her and want her back, I don't know what to do. I wish she could be honest, to him and to me. This would solve so many problems and she'd find finally a happy life, be it with me or another man. I talked to some of her friends who also don't understand why she's with him. I know she's seeing a therapist, but I am not sure she's not manipulating them also. As she's from an asian family, she also has to bear strong pressure from her parents, her church and her friends. There's nothing that could make me appear in good light in her social group as I'm just an affair. Moving on is so hard for me as well. I feel I could offer her the love she really needs, and when she's with me, she makes me feel so good too. Why do people stay together for social comfort? Why do people lie? Why do people refuse to face their responsibility and be honest, particularly if they claim they love one another? What should I do....
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Bottom line, she's married. If she and her husband ever divorce, then that is the time to see if a relationship is worth happening. But, until then, you must move on with your life no matter how much it hurts. Why do people stay together for social comfort? Why do people lie? Why do people refuse to face their responsibility and be honest, particularly if they claim they love one another? What should I do.... She probably has too much give up, which is why it will stay an affair. You'll be second best, and not getting the love you deserve. That is what happens when someone gets involved with a married person. The married person is SELFISH to want to have TWO relationships, having all their needs met.
LakesideDream Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Welcome to the world of the "back up guy". I have no advice for you. Either you are willing to be a back up, or you are not. One thing I can tell you, it's not a very satisfying position to be in.
FlyingHigh Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Welcome to the world of the "back up guy". I have no advice for you. Either you are willing to be a back up, or you are not. One thing I can tell you, it's not a very satisfying position to be in. All right Lakeside, Are you still the backup guy? Do you still have that unlimited account with the florist? You haven't gotten 2x4 by veterans on LS yet?
aprilrain Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 May be she is confused. May be you had made her so confused. May be she is not with her husband anymore and she just does not want you to know. May be she needs some time totally away from you and any other man to see what the hell she wants to do with her life. Or how do you even know may be she has already told her husband. May be she is hurt more than you can ever imagine. May be you have never loved her anyway and you are the selfish one here. There are too many may be to mention. But if you truly love her she should trust you. It seems that it is not the case anymore. She has lost her trust in you. How can she ever be with someone that she can not trust anymore? If you want go ahead and tell her husband yourself .. that way for sure you will loose any chance of you two being together. why don't you ask her. We are here and we post stuff but half of the things we post probably has no value not even to us cause ewe are not in your or her shoes. So our posts may not even be helpful to you. obviously you do not care about her...you never had.........
LakesideDream Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 All right Lakeside, Are you still the backup guy? Do you still have that unlimited account with the florist? You haven't gotten 2x4 by veterans on LS yet? FlyingHigh, No, or I don't know, or what the hell, it doesen't matter. There hasn't been any contact since early August, and I haven't made any attempts. Am I a "back up guy"? Maybe. Why? Cause I love the woman. I love here enough to let it be. I love me enough to let it be. If she called or wrote tomorrow that she was lonely, and wanted a "visit" I'd be very tempted. IF she wrote and said she was seperated or divorced, the sign would go on the house and I'd start packing.... guess that's a back up guy. It sounds a lot sadder than it is. I am certainly past the point of making a play for her without serious encouragment. As for the florist... I would guess I proved up my bona-fide's over the last five years or so, I doubt they would ignore an order.
Flyin in Clouds Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Uh, I can only tell you from my own experience is that you'd probably be best to move on... Second gf was engaged when we hooked up. She cheated and lied to him and eventually cheated and lied to me. part of her character. So since your woman is leading a double life, tells lies to both you and her H, so even if she left her H don't be surprised if she could also cheat on you someday.
confusedinIL Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Robert, Married people look outside their marriage because of SOMETHING they are lacking at home. Could be physical ,emotional or spiritual. I know this because I have done the same, never had a phyical affair, but fell in love with a co-worker and now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I you do feel your in love with her after knowing her for a couple of months, then I can tell you this much. Stop the sex, support her in every way as she decides what she wants. But, as you said "I know she had another relationship with another man before me and I suspect that what she's having at home is so unsatisfactory for her that she needs to find another man." , that should tell you something about her ! "I wish she could be honest, to him and to me. This would solve so many problems........" Thats your second clue! I could say something like your best bet is to...... But if your second guessing your own judgement now, maybe its time to step back from your current situation and move on.
Romeo Must Die Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I think you were lied to and used. Move on with your life and stay away from this married trash. Flyin In Clouds is right on. Its her character to lie and decieve and play the victim. Dont let her make you one! PS I disagree with confusedinIL. Married people who cheat (EA/PA) are not missing something in the marriage, they themselves are broken inside. They look to others to fix what they (much less their spouse) cannot. Having a crush on your co worker will not resolve your problems. You will only create more problems and you might end up regreting it someday. Peace
Flyin in Clouds Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Robert, Married people look outside their marriage because of SOMETHING they are lacking at home. Could be physical ,emotional or spiritual. Kind of all wrong... Sometimes people look outside their marriage because they are sluts (male or female). They just want something different, which I guess one could say was missing at home. The BS simply can't be someone different and can't provide the thrill of a new conquest that the OW/OM can. And people look outside their marriage when they THINK they are missing something at home. It is the WS's thinking that drives them to the affair, not the actually failings of the BS.
crazy_grl Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Why do people stay together for social comfort? Why do people lie? Why do people refuse to face their responsibility and be honest, particularly if they claim they love one another? What should I do.... Why are you so desperate to have a woman who you know is a liar and manipulator? Why do you want a relationship that's so filled with drama after only 6 months? Those are the more important questions. She's made her decision and it's time for you to move on.
FlyingHigh Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Am I a "back up guy"? Maybe. Why? Cause I love the woman. I love here enough to let it be. I love me enough to let it be. If she called or wrote tomorrow that she was lonely, and wanted a "visit" I'd be very tempted. IF she wrote and said she was seperated or divorced, the sign would go on the house and I'd start packing.... guess that's a back up guy. It sounds a lot sadder than it is. I am certainly past the point of making a play for her without serious encouragment. As for the florist... I would guess I proved up my bona-fide's over the last five years or so, I doubt they would ignore an order. She got you hooked still, huh? So what do you love about this married woman (after all the lectures you do about "back up") that you would be willing to settle. Don't you want to have the feeling of having something planned and to look forward to? For instance, for the Holidays, a trip or a cruise; someone to go home to, etc. C'mon Lakeside, you need to venture out more..... I mean this sincerely in a good way. Just try...and hey, if it doesn't work out, she can always be your "back up" gal....
LakesideDream Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Nah, she doesen't have me "hooked", that's my "choice" actually it's just a fact. What do I love? Just about everything.. can't think of anything I'd change. Been that way for a long time. I'm sure part of it's the romantic aspect. Funny, that's exactly what I'd like. Someone to have fun with. I've tried, a lot for a long time. I'm open to any situation. My "standards" are a little high I think. After the 25 year disaster I'm a lot cautious. Sooner or later I lose interest in the gals I'm dating. Dating isn't a problem either. I'm pretty stable, good income, no debts, no attachments. I even keep my "baggage" to myself. I usually know "it's over" when I start missing my cat at midnight or so...
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 people don't realize they are the 'back up' and that's because the other doesn't want u to know that...the thing that has helped me is as soon as someone says they are out...for whatever reason....so, am i...because as i have discovered over the last 5 years....when someone tells u nothing that means there is something behind the nothing and it is always complicated and being the dumb ass that i am....i like things simple...great family, great friendship, great love and sex, and great dreams...simple....i know that is stupid...but i really don't need anything else. and no-one wants to be a back up....as soon as u are...shown that's how they see u....poof! gonzo.... not being harsh - just being real
crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 What do I love? Just about everything.. can't think of anything I'd change. How about the lying, cheating, and manipulating? Is that what you look for in a woman? I'm sure part of it's the romantic aspect. Clearly. I've tried, a lot for a long time. I'm open to any situation. My "standards" are a little high I think. I realize that I don't know this woman, but from your description, I think your standards are anything but high. Sooner or later I lose interest in the gals I'm dating. Dating isn't a problem either. I'm pretty stable, good income, no debts, no attachments. I even keep my "baggage" to myself. I usually know "it's over" when I start missing my cat at midnight or so... What is it about them that makes you loose interest but that's kept you running after this woman?
LakesideDream Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Crazy_grl, I don't mind the critisism. Comments on my situation have been exchanged between me and FlyinHigh for months. It's pretty much in fun. "Lying, cheating, manipulating"> Yea I've thought about that. I've known the woman for 40 years. It concerns me that she's forced to do those things. "High Standards". Well, I usually "bail out" when a woman see's someone else, or tells to many untruths. Asking to borrow money is a deal killer too...
FlyingHigh Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Married people who cheat (EA/PA) are not missing something in the marriage, they themselves are broken inside. They look to others to fix what they (much less their spouse) cannot. Having a crush on your co worker will not resolve your problems. You will only create more problems and you might end up regreting it someday. Peace You hit the bulls' eye!!! It's easier to have somebody fix them because it's quicker than trying to fix themselves. People who cheat have a strong sense of entitlement which is why they rarely feel remorse....only when they're caught.
Author robert2007 Posted November 5, 2006 Author Posted November 5, 2006 thank you guys for your answers. Although my rationality tells me it's better to move on, I sincerely have fallen in love with her. As you guys said, maybe I can just become her friends and support her in anything, but not have any intimate relationship with her. Solving her problems could bring her towards me, or even more towards her husband. I've heard so much bad about him, either from her telling her friends, or from her directly, that I'm wondering: why would a woman who's so young, with no kid, want to stay with a man who checks her schedule constantly, shouts at her, controls her and is sometimes violent ? Is there a woman who can explain that to me? Is she just staying with him because she can't take the courage to leave him and if that's the case, how can I at least show her that her relationship is really not normal.
FlyingHigh Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Crazy_grl, I don't mind the critisism. Comments on my situation have been exchanged between me and FlyinHigh for months. It's pretty much in fun. "Lying, cheating, manipulating"> Yea I've thought about that. I've known the woman for 40 years. It concerns me that she's forced to do those things. "High Standards". Well, I usually "bail out" when a woman see's someone else, or tells to many untruths. Asking to borrow money is a deal killer too... Sorry, Lakeside.... Yeah, folks...it's all fun. I give him a hard time because I know and he knows he'd be better off going home to a woman than his cat... :D All right, I'll lay off you for awhile. :D But I think you're happy and all cozy with this arrangement because deep down inside, maybe you really don't want a full time committment. I once worked with a woman in the same boat as you. Single, lives in Florida, boyfriend in California. Relationship lasted for 40yrs and still going. And yeah...she also has a cat..... So folks, he's pretty much made up his mind. :D He's hopelessly "in love".... I don't think we can save him!!! :D Next???? :D
LakesideDream Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Flying_High, Can't save the true believer! As for fear of committment, you've got it all wrong there. I know that I am happiest when I have love and stability in my life. As for being a "lost cause" maybe. However... truth be told, I haven't reached for the phone, gone Christmas shopping, or sent an email her way since we started our Jousting (Flying_High and I). There were a couple of holidays thrown in there too... can't remember missing one before. At the least LS has been an emotional release for me.
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