She's getting fat

[daved823]

Me and my girlfriend have been goin out for almost 3 months now. Wen we first started goin out she already had a little meat on her but nothing bad and she still looked good but i feel that now that weve been goin out for a while she's startin to care less about her appearance.

 

I've tried talking her into working out before be she says she doesnt want to and comes back with somethin like "Are u saying im fat?" and i of course say no i just think us working out together would be a good thing. but now i would really like to see her shed some pounds and just run a littttle bit i just dont know how to tell her i think shes a little over weight because saying shes not obviously doenst work..

 

please give me a lot of feed back. preferably from girls unless your a guy who has done this successfully before

[Walk]

THere is Absolutely nothing you can say or do that will convince her that you have good intentions towards this. Since you want her to look a certain way for YOU. She already suspects that your being a superficial jerk. That's why she's saying "are you calling me fat?" Cause that's how you're coming across... in your words, and probably through your actions too. If you had other intentions besides superficial ones, then that would come through... but it isn't.

 

Now.. if you're concerned for health reasons, fine. If you have sports you enjoy and would like her to participate in, fine. If you want her around for 100 + years and that's your desire for her to be healthy, then fine.

 

If this is only for superficial reasons... then NOT FINE. Go get a new girl becaues you don't love this one. You already want her to change and you've only known her for 3 months..

 

Besides... why does she have to go to the gym? Couldn't you suggest bike rides, or walks, or ask her to go joggin with you because you want the company? Maybe go for hikes through the nature trails, or canoeing, or rock climbing. Go horse back riding, snowboarding, cross country skiing, down hill skiing... etc. There are a million and one fun activities that require physical exertion to some degree... why can't you try to interest her in something she's going to actually enjoy. But some people don't like the atmostphere of the gym, and don't like the monotany of jogging by themselves. If you're really concerned for her health and mental well being, then find something both of you can enjoy .. Not just what you want to do, and then force her into the mold you want. It'd be far less frustrating to you to just find someone who already enjoys those things, and date that person.

[Guest]

Its very very normal for girls to put on weight when their in a relationship because they think they no longer need to put so much effort into their appearance because they've found someone their happy with. Your girlfriend has probably gained weight for the reasons. Before you starting going out she wanted to look as good as she could so she could find someone and once she did she felt she could relax. Theres NO way you could tell her AT ALL that she needs to lose weight. Any attempt to do so will leave her upset and you in alot of trouble, and us women will pick up on it if you even suggest it, or hint it.

 

The other problem is by saying she needs to lose weight, no matter how nice you say it all she hears is: your not good enough the way you are and I want you to change. As the above post says if you want her to lose it for superficial reasons then I question whether or not you have true feelings for this girl. If you want her to change then change your habits too and do stuff like cook dinner and make something healthy or suggest you should go for a bike ride or walk round the park one morning. But don't suggest for her to diet or join the gym cause ull only upset her

[MadDog]

If you aren't attracted to girls with extra weight, just go out with a girl who's naturally skinny instead of trying to make your girl something she's not. Trying to change your partner will lead to all sorts of unhappiness.

 

MD

[ICS]

You really can't make her someone she is not. Besides, she would never be happy that way. My ex-girlfriend put on some weight gradually during our relationship. And yes of course it would be nice if she was in a better shape, but think about it, would you rather have her live a happy life in which she is happy about herself and her body, or one in which she is unhappy and anorexic perhaps? I'll take the slightly overweight girl over the extremely self-consious, unhappy, unhealthy twig-like girl anytime... because it really creeps me out, in more ways than one.

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

Daved823, I will bet you beans and walnuts that weight gain is not the issue. It is only a byproduct.

 

You have been going out for a mere, 3 months. Apply the brakes.

 

I think, it is out of context, to jump to conclusions with respect to your girlfriend's weight issue.

 

You are in the premature stages of a relationship. You have a choice.

Are you willing to conform to the issue -and ones yet to arise, in the relationship and be a supportive boyfriend? OR Bail out of the relationship because weight gain is a dealbreaker for you?

 

I guarantee you that she is gaining weight because there is something/someone disturbing her mental state of mind in her life.

 

Take a piece of white paper. Sit down on a desk by yourself. Write down all the things, you have observed and noticed in the last few months that may be causing change in your girlfriend.

 

Look over the list. You will be surprised.

 

Then, discuss your point of view with her.

 

Coming here to ramble about your girlfriend is step one. Isolating, and treating the issue is step two. You have a decision to make.

 

Best of Luck.

Sand&Water

[MadDog]

My ex-girlfriend put on some weight gradually during our relationship. And yes of course it would be nice if she was in a better shape, but think about it, would you rather have her live a happy life in which she is happy about herself and her body, or one in which she is unhappy and anorexic perhaps? I'll take the slightly overweight girl over the extremely self-consious, unhappy, unhealthy twig-like girl anytime... because it really creeps me out, in more ways than one.

 

I don't I agree with this. You're implying that fat girls are happy because they get to eat what they want and don't care about their bodies while skinny girls are unhappy because they are on diets and self-conscious. I've met plenty of hot, skinny girls who are happy and eat whatever they want and plenty of fat girls who are miserable because they are unhappy with the way they look. It's all about genetics.

 

MD

[rainfall]

You really can't make her someone she is not. Besides, she would never be happy that way. My ex-girlfriend put on some weight gradually during our relationship. And yes of course it would be nice if she was in a better shape, but think about it, would you rather have her live a happy life in which she is happy about herself and her body, or one in which she is unhappy and anorexic perhaps? I'll take the slightly overweight girl over the extremely self-consious, unhappy, unhealthy twig-like girl anytime... because it really creeps me out, in more ways than one.

 

I don't see how you can imply that fat chicks who eat whatever they want are happier then other people. I am so much more happy now that I eat healthy, work out, and weight less then when I was fat and ate anything I wanted. I was miserable when I ate whatever I wanted because I looked bad and didn't feel good about myself. However now that I really never get to eat what I really want I am very happy. My happiness comes from more then food.

[Guest]

if it such an issue just joke about a bit an she will click on thats what my boyfriend did to me.. he was saying stuff like phwoar check your love handles.. when i asked him am i getting fat he was just honest & said no but you have put some meat on. But to be honest he never said to lose it because i was a 8 when i met him and still am just i finally got the bumps in the right places if you get me.

 

if u love her then u should feel comfortable in telling her how u feel.. be yourself if she cnt deal with it then it her problem.. just say u only telling her so she aware that she dnt get 2 bad and become unhappy of herself in the end.. say i dont want u to feel insecure about yourself if u notice u getting bigger.. anyways m8 i lied 2 ma boyfriend ages ago saying i wasn't smoking but he caught me out im an emotional wreck now how can i rebuild his trust again i would never hurt or lie 2 him again cuz i realised that was a huge mistake i made.. !!!

[amaysngrace]

I can understand how her getting heavy is bothering you. Not to sound shallow or anything, but I'm a bit disgusted when I see fat people, especially those I care about. And it's not for health reasons, although they do come into play, but it's more of an appearance issue for me. I think it looks bad.

 

But you really need to take into consideration a few things. For one, where do you live? Has the weather changed from summer to fall? I know a lot of people who naturally put on a few extra pounds as the weather cools, myself being one of them. I think it's something to do with keeping warm for winter. At least that's the conclusion I've drawn because it happpens every year and every summer the weight comes off. And that keeps me cooler.

 

Another thing to think of is she being neglected by you in some way? Are you being kind to her when approaching the issue of her weight gain or are you being a bit cruel? If you are insensitive, that will just complicate things and she may eat for emotional reasons.

 

My BF told me he prefers girls with meat on their bodies, and basically told me a while ago that I could stand to gain a few pounds. This made me happy to hear. Maybe if you use the same logic and let her know you've noticed she's put on a little weight but are glad about it, because you thought before she could stand to gain a little but now think she looks perfect, she will do her best to maintain it. And at the same time, she will feel as though she is accepted by you.

 

You really shouldn't be too critical to women about their bodies, especially those you hope to get laid with.

[DanielMadr]

THere is Absolutely nothing you can say or do that will convince her that you have good intentions towards this. Since you want her to look a certain way for YOU. She already suspects that your being a superficial jerk.

 

Oh come on. And why girls and boys go to gym? Applying make up and show skin? Brush teeth, shave and simply take care of themselves? To be attractive and appealing to opposite sex too. There is nothing wrong with that. It is about looks ALSO.

 

He has no bad intentions. To look a certain way for HIM? And for who else? I dont know if he is superficial jerk. Being jerk he would dump her already telling her she is fat.

 

Put it another way. You have a boyfriend. He is in good shape etc. Then he becomes lazy and chubby, doesnt shave, brush teeth because he thinks he HAS you for granted and he doesnt have to make efforts anymore. IT IS SELFISH.

 

People care of themselves because of themselves and because they know their partners have pleasure of it.

 

Why you tidy your place? To give a good impression and because you want your visiting friends to feel comfortable.

 

I dont think it is bad to become fat...its hard for some not to but it is bad to be lazy and dont cope with it.

 

He certainly made a mistake telling her. Now it is power struggle. So if you hate to being indicated you are fat...dont be fat or laugh it off and do something about it.

[Kamille]

Body-image issues seem to be a theme on this forum recently!

 

There are a lot of interesting theories as to why she might have gained weight, and here is me adding mine, mostly because I don't believe in the my girlfriend is letting herself go now that she snagged a good guy theory :

 

"the boyfriend 15". It's those extra pounds women put on when they are in a new dazzling relationship where they change their regular diet because of a higher proximity to richer food which are a part their boyfriends' diet. Boyfriends who have a much higher calorie intake then they do. I know at the start of any new relationship, I seem to be presented with many much more pizza, fish and chips and popcorn then usual.

 

She knows she's put on weight and is feeling self-conscious about it and that's why you get the : "do you think I'm fat?" reaction. So your job is to reassure her that you're there to support her through thick and thin (haha!). If you feel confortable enough you could tell her " Sure I have noticed you've put on a few pounds but no, i don't think you're fat. you're the sexiest woman I know." (The order is very important. Finish when an honest heartfelt compliment). She won't like it - women and body image issues- but then you can at least know how she feels about those extra pounds and offer your support IF she wants to shed them. Once the discussion is open (and if you manage to successfully open the discussion), then she can tell you how and if she plans to deal with the extra pounds and you can support her.

 

Or you could wait until she brings it up herself. And then show support. Or you can wait until you two settle into your relationship and she gets back to her regular eating habits.

[westernxer]

At least you aren't married to her.

[DanielMadr]

At least you aren't married to her.

 

Do you know what becomes of a girl after 10 years of marriage? She becomes your fat friend

[Walk]

Oh come on. And why girls and boys go to gym? Applying make up and show skin? Brush teeth, shave and simply take care of themselves? To be attractive and appealing to opposite sex too. There is nothing wrong with that. It is about looks ALSO.

 

He has no bad intentions. To look a certain way for HIM? And for who else? I dont know if he is superficial jerk. Being jerk he would dump her already telling her she is fat.

 

Put it another way. You have a boyfriend. He is in good shape etc. Then he becomes lazy and chubby, doesnt shave, brush teeth because he thinks he HAS you for granted and he doesnt have to make efforts anymore. IT IS SELFISH.

 

People care of themselves because of themselves and because they know their partners have pleasure of it.

 

Why you tidy your place? To give a good impression and because you want your visiting friends to feel comfortable.

 

I dont think it is bad to become fat...its hard for some not to but it is bad to be lazy and dont cope with it.

 

He certainly made a mistake telling her. Now it is power struggle. So if you hate to being indicated you are fat...dont be fat or laugh it off and do something about it.

 

Listen Daniel, I don't know why you have to pick a bone on every post I make, but irregardless... I don't equate a couple extra pounds to "fat lazy slob". And yes, when I met my bf he was in great shape. Since that time he's gained a pot belly and love handles. He's probably not going to win any "GQ" contests this year.. But it doesn't matter to me. I'm not with him for his outter appearance. Plus, I look at it as he's comfortable around me and it makes me feel good that he does feel comfortable in that way. He regulates his weight because he doesn't want to get too fat, but he does that for himself. Not for me. He gets uncomfortable over a certain weight and doesn't like how he feels. He also understands that I'm not going to judge him based on some extra's around the middle.

 

And where did you get "thinks he HAS you for granted and he doesnt have to make efforts anymore. IT IS SELFISH" ?? Where in the original post did it say anything about the girl not making any effort toward being presentable in other ways. He never said she stopped brushing her teeth, or stopped shaving, or anything.. All he said was, and I quote "i think shes a little over weight".

 

I don't clean my house to make my friends feel comfortable. I clean it so they'll have a place to sit... But it's how I act, and respond that causes them to feel comfortable or not. Not the appearance of my apartment.

 

If he was stating that he had a problem with her not working out because her self-esteem was suffering from the additional weight, then it'd be different. But nothing was said about how the girl is affected. Which makes it HIS issue. Not hers.

 

And I'm sorry, but people gain weight. It's fairly normal. It doesn't mean you don't care about the other person and are taking them for granted. I don't get where you're getting that from. I enjoy being thin, but honestly my bf doesn't care. I don't stay thin FOR him, I do it for me. Because I like how I feel. If he were to throw a fit and start trying to get me to lose weight every freakin' time I gained 10lbs, I'd have to seriously think about ditching him. If he can't trust me enough that I won't turn into jgood year blimp then maybe we shouldn't be together. And IF I were to change that greatly during the course of our relationship then he has ever right to ditch me. But to freak out because I gained a little weight???? Hell.. I gain 10lbs in water weight every freakin' month. He'd be in for a seriuosly traumatic relationship if he panicked every time that happened.

 

I'm just not getting where "gained some extra weight" equates to disgusting slob who no longer cares about the guy or the relationship.

[JamesM]

Trust me...it is a sign of things to come. People including you gain and lose weight. What you need to decide is...do I lover her the way she is or does she now turn me off?

 

If she turns you off, then your attraction is purely physical. If you still want to spend alot of time and be seen with her, then accept her for whom she is. When she feels that you love her as she is, she will be more inclined to lose weight for you. But if she feels she is losing weight to keep your love, then your relationship will be on rocky ground.

[ICS]

I don't see how you can imply that fat chicks who eat whatever they want are happier then other people. I am so much more happy now that I eat healthy, work out, and weight less then when I was fat and ate anything I wanted. I was miserable when I ate whatever I wanted because I looked bad and didn't feel good about myself. However now that I really never get to eat what I really want I am very happy. My happiness comes from more then food.

 

A happy life comes from a healthy lifestyle; excercising, eating well, and a good feeling about oneself. Even then, you can still be out of shape, but it doesn't mean that they are neccessarily less happy than the rest of us. I guess what I was trying to say is, if they are happy about themselves, you should be happy for them too- unless they are eating so much that it leads to health problems. For me, personality always comes before looks. Looks don't last, but personality does.

 

Of course, the media also has alot to do with how people think about their bodies. So now, who doesn't want to be in good shape?

[rainfall]

I personally don't see the problem with him wanting his girlfriend to try and maintain a certain weight. Yes looks should not be everything in a relationship but looks do matter. That is why in porn and movies the lady is always beautiful and usually on the smaller side.

 

People should make an effort to look decent for their partner whether they have been together for 1 day or 15 years. I just don't think its fair to people that they get in a relationship and then suddenly gain a bunch of weight and expect their partner not to want them to lose the weight or work on looking better.

 

I agree that some (not all) women let themselves go once the relationship becomes comfortable. They tend to gain some weight or slack of in some other area. I do not think a man should be told he is a shallow pig just because he gets upset if his women gains weight.

[DanielMadr]

Listen Daniel, I don't know why you have to pick a bone on every post I make....

 

I'm not with him for his outter appearance.

 

I don't clean my house to make my friends feel comfortable. I clean it so they'll have a place to sit... But it's how I act, and respond that causes them to feel comfortable or not. Not the appearance of my apartment.

 

 

1. Maybe I like you

 

2. Because you are woman. Men go for looks...not only but more than women do.

 

3. Come on. Are you telling me that smelly socks on sofa will make your friends comfortable? Im trying to say that we care about ourselves to attract mating partners, to feel good (not ashamed) and even if we are totaly independent (I am sure you are one) people, yet we try to please our partners.

[mental_traveller]

And I'm sorry, but people gain weight. It's fairly normal. It doesn't mean you don't care about the other person and are taking them for granted.

 

It isn't normal to significantly gain weight a mere 3 months into a relationship, and then use EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL when this change is pointed out to you. Is it? Answer honestly now. We are not talking about someone gaining 20 lbs in 5 years during a steady relationship, and taking some steps to stay healthy when it's pointed out. We are talking about someone who, as soon as she's bagged a man, has let herself go, and is very touchy indeed about the subject, to the point of being a complete ******* instead of debating it in a mature fashion.

[GFGONE]

My GF also gained weight over our 1 1/2 yr relationship. During this relationship, I felt that I had become out of shape, and i began a regular exercise program. I encouraged her to exercise as well. I always thought, and told her that she was pretty, but that she could be even prettier, and healthier, if she exercised.

 

I always cared for her, and still do, but my sexual attraction to her decreased. She never did start regular exercise. Our relationship ended on good terms, but I still feel the same way; that is she is pretty, could be prettier, and should start exercising not only to improve her body, but improve her health.

[Guest]

Take her for walks

Cook her nutritious low calorie meals

Buy her fitness magazines

Take her for walks

Make a date at the gym

Take her for walks

Exercise with her

Buy her some really nice workout wear in HER SIZE NOW

Take her for walks

Make your date activities biking, skiing, and swimming

Play basketball with her

Buy her a jump rope

Buy her 2lb weights

Take her for walk lol

Come on people quit arguing among each other and give the guy ideas to get her moving