leopardprint Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=101663 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=100328 I am absolutely freaking out right now. My chest is throbbing and I can hardly breathe. I don't know if I can physcially take this any longer... I don't know what to do, who to turn to, how I can get help. I feel lost and hopeless and I just.. I just need someone to talk to... to tell what to do to stop hurting. I don't know what I am to him anymore - I don't know what I am in his life. I can't stop thinking about how happy we were, about what we wanted for a future, about everything we had planned and dreamed of. And I can't stop thinking about how he doesn't want any of that anymore, how he might not love me anymore, how he might end up learning to hate me, how he doesn't want anything, any future, anymore. I feel like I'm killing him. I feel like I'm the only reason he is even questioning being with me instead of leaving because I constantly bring it up and I constantly want to talk about it and deal with it. He claims he would feel this way either way, but I don't know if I can believe that anymore... I don't mean to, I really do NOT mean to, but I keep keeping him up at night, both of us having the same conversations, sometimes I end up crying, sometimes he does, sometimes I end up getting a bit angry, and sometimes he gets VERY angry and offensive. Last night, he did NOT go to sleep - he had stayed up ALL night with me and only hung up to go to work. He tells me I'm not forcing him to stay up, he doesn't want to leave me hanging, he doesn't want to cut me off, he sounds so sincere, but I can't help thinking it might all be out of pity, and I don't want him to ruin his life for someone like me who is so lost right now. I feel like I'm being so selfish. I could NOT handle that I kept him up all night last night. I couldn't breathe for the rest of the day - it felt like a 300lb man was sitting on my chest. I was panicing. I was having nightmares and tossing and turning all morning as I tried to get some rest. I felt like I was ruining his life, making him tired, ruining his days, because of my feelings for him and my want to be with him still. I can't help but think I should just block him on all my instant messengers, block his email address, block his phone number, delete him from everything in my life so he can be free of all of this. And at the same time, maybe it will just help me forget everything so I won't feel this want to be with him, so I won't feel so inlove with him, so I won't feel so rejected and hopeless about it all. But I don't want to do that. I don't. I want to stop hurting, but I want to be with him. He kept telling me last night he does not want me to just throw it all away; delete everything, never talk to eachother again, and claim that we will NEVER be together again. He said he doesn't want to tell me there's a "maybe" because it's not fair if I end up waiting for him to "better himself" for the next 3 - 4 months, but when I suggested we just say it's all over for good and move on with our lives, he didn't want to. I feel like he will never know how much I really do love him. I'm so scared of lossing him from my life, but I'm even more scared of watching him move on and end up with someone else. I know if I see any of that, I will be crushed, but I just can't let go of him either. He constantly tells me he doesn't even think of being with anyone else, let alone, wants it, because of all the problems in his life right now he wants to fix. But I can't help but look at his online profiles and such EVERY second of the day, and freak out every time a he adds a new girl or a girl leaves him a comment. I am so insecure about other women in his life now, which was something I NEVER had to deal with. I tried to go NC, and I broke and, and he said he was thinking of doing so too. He told me he had a dream where I was getting married to someone else, and he went to stop it, but I wouldn't have him, and when he woke up, he was angry, but starting getting scared. I don't know what to do with any of this information. He says he needs his time, but I don't think he means it in terms of figuring out things with me. He asks me why he doesn't know when all this time has gone by. Why is this so hard? Why doesn't he know what to do or how he feels? I never know what to answer, but I always just want to shout, "Please just feel you love me and you want to be with me and we can go back to being happy and fix everything that was wrong and just... be each other's other half like before!" but I can't! It's been months now and I feel like everytime we have these talks, I feel I only push him further and further away, but at the same time, he can tell when something's wrong, and tells me I can confinde in him, and I can tell him anything, and he only wants to be here to help me through all of this. I know he is sincere, but I can't help but think by spilling my guts out, and telling him my thoughts, hopes, and feelings for us and him, I'm making things worse! He tells me I'm not, but I don't even know how to read him anymore. I have no idea. He said he's so scared of so much. He said he's scared of letting go completely, he's scared of not being ready to jump into anything right now, etc. I don't want him to be scared of me, I don't. I want to be there for him, and I want to help in any way I can. I WANT to keep loving him. Is that wrong? Sometimes I feel it's wrong. I don't know if I should give up on us completely, forever. Do I erase him from my life - block him, ignore him, leave him? Do I stay by his side and be whatever it is he needs, even if it means I might get hurt if he finds someone else down the line? Or do I stay, and hope over time, he does better himself, and that all the feelings I had for him and our future are true, and we end up side by side again? I feel so lost, so hopeless, and so pathetic. I love him to death, but can I love someone who doesn't know if he wants to be with me? Can I love someone who is scared of me or a relationship with me? Can I love someone who doesn't see how much he means to me and how much I love him and how I would never hurt him? I feel so underapperciative, but at the same time, I'm hoping this is just all a learning experience for the both of us, bad timing, or just a long hurtle we can get past. Am I lying to myself? What should I do?
KT18 Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Hey Babe, I am here in Adelaide, Australia, feeling the same way you are. How do you mend a broken heart? This is so hard. Just take some consolation in the fact that there are others out there hurting right along with you. KT
justagirliegirl Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 I read back through your other threads and this guy has been stringing you along for months. He is getting HIS needs met at your expense. He doesn't want to stop being friends because he is getting something out of it but he doesn't seem to care that remaining friends is hurting you and preventing you from moving on. As hard as it may be to do, you have to let him go. Erase his number, block hiim from im, iow do whatever it takes to go NC. I see you have tried NC but folded as soon as he contacted you. I'm not saying it is easy but look how miserable you are because of this. You are the one who has to put a stop to it.
Author leopardprint Posted November 1, 2006 Author Posted November 1, 2006 Just take some consolation in the fact that there are others out there hurting right along with you. Thank you, KT, and I can only hope you're heart mends asap and doesn't feel half as crushes as mine. As hard as it may be to do, you have to let him go. Erase his number, block hiim from im, iow do whatever it takes to go NC. You are the one who has to put a stop to it. justagirliegirl, thank you for your response. I guess I'm scared of doing NC because he has expressed it is something he does NOT want, and that he is scared of finding out in the future he has made a mistake in letting me go, and it being too late. I'm scared of pursuing NC because I'm scared of making things worse; if he does realize he wants to be with me, but can't because I pushed NC when maybe all he needed is time. I don't know I'm so confused. I don't know if that's the right thing to think, considering it HAS been a long time and he STILL doesn't know. Maybe he will never find out, or maybe he will never want to be with me, and I don't want to bling to him and the notion that things might turn around one day forever - for my sake and for his. At the same time, he IS my bestfriend and I would hate to hurt him by suddenly cutting him off from my life like I don't care. I don't want him angry or upset with me, or thinking I hate him or don't care for him. Would you suggest, if I were to go NC, to cut him off completely without warning, or say a goodbye and explain what I'm doing and why I have to do it.
Author leopardprint Posted November 1, 2006 Author Posted November 1, 2006 A little update... Yesterday, I did call him on his way from work to class to make sure everything was alright. I had had a nightmare during the day, which involved him in it, and when I awoke, I felt this horrible notion like something was wrong. When he answered, he sounded a little out of it, but I could feel that he was upset with me; a bit cold. It was a short conversation, he said everything was fine but his phone was going dead. So that was what. Fast forward to last night... I feared all day that he was upset and angry at me, and that he would not be speaking with me. I was a bit angry myself, since it was another night nothing got solved, but at the same time, I was more hurt because I kept him up and hurt him again with my conversations. Everytime I think telling him how much I love him and care about him, I think I'm expressing my love and doing something good, and it always seems to do the opposite. I gave him a call, and no answer. I IMed him twice, and knew he was purposely ignoring me. I'm not one to play games, so I sent him a message saying that if he didn't want to speak to me, to let me know, so I'm not sitting around expecting to speak to him for now on. Personally, I'd rather someone tell me they would not like to speak to me so I'm not sitting by a phone or worrying on whats wrong. After 5 minutes, he IMed me back saying he was fine and that he was just tired. I told him I wanted to apologize for that night, and went on and on telling him how I hated hurting him and how I can't handle being someone negative in his life. He seemed so cold last night... He told me that last night took a lot out of him, and that he was so upset in the morning, and since, he has been nothing but tired and out of it. Somehow we switched into talking about me http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103115/ (there are other issues in my life right now that have been taking a toll on me, which he knows of and has been very supportive and helpful). I didn't tell him about going to see a doctor or that I've been researching into clinical depression, but I did tell him how I was feeling; like I had no drive to do anything anymore, like I have no goals, like I'm throwing my life away. I didn't know who I was anymore, and I suddenly felt like the tables were turned. But his response... his reponses was not to my liking... him: life isnt over yet me: i know but... him: in life everyone is equal him: we all displace an equal amount of space on earth him: sounds scary that we are all equal him: but at the same time that should be almost empowering him: you can create him: anything him: with this small space you are given him: dont think about it him: just do it me: i see what you're saying.. me: i just, i dont even feel a... me: i dont have the drive, i guess, to keep going or to better or to create me: and THAT scares me me: and depresses me me: that i dont have that him: make it him: there isnt a such thing as I dont have me: how do you create drive? him: you just do him: you gotta make yourself focus him: instead of going him: well i dunno well i dunno him: just say him: well yeah I want to him: get that done him: then move onto the next hurdle him: keep jumping till your legs get so strong you can jump even higher him: otherwise limbo will get you nowhere I was shocked; I felt like he was just repeating my exact words. I know what he was saying, but it was like he was mimicing everything I have told him about our situation for the past 5 months. Everytime he would ask me "What do I do? Why don't I know? Why is it so hard? I'm so lost... No, it's not that simple..." etc, I would tell him the same thing about making decisions, not fearing the result, not staying in limbo, doing what you want, to stop saying "I don't know" and just do what you want, etc. How can he say all of this to me, and tell me he has applied it to his career all of a sudden, but with me, someone who loves him and will never do him harm or hurt, he won't? Why does he just stay with "I don't know", won't put effort into finding out, and lets the insecurities and fear keep him in limbo about us, about me? Am I not as important? Am I not that much of a priority in his life anymore?
Author leopardprint Posted November 2, 2006 Author Posted November 2, 2006 Just bumping this because 104 views and only 2 replies.
D-Lish Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 The only way for him to figure out if he mises you or not is if you stop reaching out to him and go into NC mode. It's the only way. You're right- you will end up pushing away if you keep leaning against him to lament about yout break up. Two people can't break up and then continue to support one another through it. I know, because I was with a man for 7 years, we got married, then shortly after things fell apart and he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. Then what? We struggled through another 2 years just holding onto one another, supporting each other, talking every day on the phone. It was unhealthy. He was living and working 400 miles away and would come back to our home we shared once every 6 weeks, and it would always be the same "I don't know what I want"... so he strung me along for 2 years until I finally had the courage to put the house on the market and force the seperation. It was so unhealthy for me. he had no other friends, and we had become best mates during our time together...so we hung on to one another foolishly. It wasn't until we sold the house and moved our things out and went our seperate ways that the closure began to happen for me. ABove poster is right~ he's stringing you along, unfairly. Pushing him to talk and continuing to instill in him that your life is nothing without him might make him feel guilty... but that isn't in your favour. Let him truly see what life is like without you. get help for the depression, start working on the things you need to work on... then revisit the topic of reconciliation down the road. You truly need a break to figure this out. Remember, people find confidence attractive, they are drawn to it. Get that back for yourself by getting a little help for the depression and he will take notice. For now, stop with the contact. I know that sounds harsh, but you have to do it to get over this. He will appreciate the space and respect your progress once you are in a better place to reinitiate communication. I don't mean two weeks from now- I mean a couple months at least. D
Author leopardprint Posted November 2, 2006 Author Posted November 2, 2006 Thanks for your response, D. We have sorta turned out exactly as you said with your exhusband... We had become one another's only and best friend, and now, he is moving on and making new friends (sort of feels like he's replacing me), and I'm left in a new town, with no friends, and still thinking he's still my best friend. Remember, people find confidence attractive, they are drawn to it. Get that back for yourself by getting a little help for the depression and he will take notice. Funny how I thought I was showing him I was truly in love with him and was truly sorry and truly wanted to work on things and make them better between us; when all he will see is a lack of confidence and how upset and miserable I am. That's not what I wanted at all. He will appreciate the space and respect your progress once you are in a better place to reinitiate communication. I don't mean two weeks from now- I mean a couple months at least. Do you honestly think he will notice a change in me at all, or respect it, or want anything from me after all of this, or after all that time? I feel like even if I do that (which I thought I was doing a few months ago), as time goes by without one another, first off, he won't see the change to take notice, and secondly, he might move on and have no feelings for me and end up with someone else.
Author leopardprint Posted November 2, 2006 Author Posted November 2, 2006 I guess I don't know what I should put more priority on; what I should be more concerned with: Working things out with him, loving him, being there for him and showing I care, Or... Walking away, moving on, and possibly making my way to the next man, hopefully someone I could find security in, a future with, etc.
D-Lish Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 LP, I think there's always a chance someone may move on during a break up. Who knows, you may meet someone else. My ex husband and I had a great and wonderful bond. At some point, I just realized we couldn't be leaning on one another anymore. It became unhealthy. I think saying you love him and pushing the issue of a reconciliation might just push him away further. Him knowing how despondent you are without him will make him feel guilty, and he will begin to associate those guilty feelings with you, eventually, inevitably, that guilt will turn to resentment. We always think it's important to remain high profile in their lives to keep them remembering us, when the opposite is actually true. We need to be absent for them to miss us. I have anxiety and depression... and it had a negative impact on my past relationship (not my ex husband, different ex). He saw glimpses of a girl who needed rescuing, and he didn't find that image attractive. He liked the confident, self sufficient girl he had met when we first started dating. So yes, I do think it's important for you to find that confidence and independance on your own. Like you said- he's moving on, finding new friends and focusing on his career. He's bettering himself, expanding his friend group and building his own confidence. What he'll be looking for is someone who compliments that process, not holds him back. Don't get me wrong- I know you don't purposely hold him back.... but he may see it that way if he thinks you're not working on yourself... does that make sense? I think that having NC will take the pressure off both of you. Did he have issues with your depression? Was it even an issue in your relationship? What were the issues that you think caused the break? Maybe that will help get you more feedback. D
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