The most pathetic OW story ever

[Guest]

I am a regular poster here but I'm going undercover because I'm so terribly ashamed of my stupidity that I'm afraid no one will ever take my advice or opinion seriously again after reading this. I hope you'll forgive me for going anon.

 

Over 4 years ago I met a man online in a chat room. I was/am married and it's been a sexless marriage for many years. No kids. He was/is married with kids. Neither of us meant for it to happen (who ever does?) but we grew close quickly. The next month I drove 11 hours to meet him. He professed his love to me repeatedly and said that he wanted to have a life with me, have a child with me and wanted me to move there. We didn't have sex because he was unable to (from thinking of his wife, I presume).

 

Within 3 weeks of me leaving to come back home, he got his wife pregnant. They now have 4 children. I was devastated and reeling. I had believed with all my heart he was sincere, as he told me hundreds of times how much he loved/wanted me.

 

For the last 4 years I've mourned and pined over him. We never spoke on the phone; only via online messenger. He would contact me, we'd chat a few times and then we'd always end up in an argument and he'd disappear. We'd go for months at a time with no contact and then he'd show up online telling me he still thinks of me and loves me. We went for a year and a half with no contact whatsoever and then in Jan. of this year he showed up online again. I asked for his email address and he avoided the subject. Finally he gave me one but it was a fake one. More no contact. Through all of this I've hung on with a stupid illusion that he loves me. He still maintains that he thinks of me daily and can't get me out of his mind.

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. He contacted me again after 2 months of silence. He read in my blog that I'm going to be in a nearby town on business next month. He actually asked me to call him (at work). That was a milestone of sorts, since I haven't heard his voice in over 4 years. On the phone he told me that I've affected him like no other, he loves me, I'm in his heart, etc. He also said that he loves his wife and that he can't leave his 4 kids. He told me that if I wanted to stop by on my way to my destination he would love to see me.

 

Like a complete fool I jumped at the chance. I've made reservations at a nearby hotel for 3 days. Last night we spoke online and he didn't seem all that excited that I was coming. I felt like he was possibly regretting asking me. He kept telling me how busy he was, how he didn't know how much time he'd have to spend, etc. I can't help but wonder if it was just an ego trip for him. Could he have just asked me to see if I'd say yes? We ended up in another fight online last night and now I've heard nothing today. I can't help but wonder if he'll disappear until after I've returned from my trip and then turn it around saying I didn't want to see him.

 

Please help me get some perspective here. I want so badly to get this man out of my system. It's been going on for FOUR years. I can't believe how utterly pathetic and dumb I've been. I'm not an unintelligent or unattractive person but this has stolen my self-esteem completely. All this time I've been hanging onto typed words from a computer and nothing else. It's not even a sexual relationship, nor does he really bring up sex. He was definitely attracted when we met in person, but it never went all the way.

 

I want to tell him to get lost once and for all. We've ended things a million times, yet he knows all he has to do is send me an instant message and all is forgiven. I have no pride, no strength, no self control, and no common sense left. I forfeited it all for a married man and father who only wants me as an online distraction when he's bored at work. I feel desperate and without hope.

[norajane]

Delete all contact information, IM addy, email addy, etc. Delete all his emails. Delete everything about him from your life! Block him so he can't IM you. Block his email so you can't get mail from him.

 

Either work on your marriage with MC, or end it. You're currently living in limbo and have nothing to look forward to - that's why this "relationship" with chat room guy is so compelling. You deserve more in your life than this.

[Mythical]

Delete all contact information, IM addy, email addy, etc. Delete all his emails. Delete everything about him from your life! Block him so he can't IM you. Block his email so you can't get mail from him.

 

Either work on your marriage with MC, or end it. You're currently living in limbo and have nothing to look forward to - that's why this "relationship" with chat room guy is so compelling. You deserve more in your life than this.

 

I agree 100%

It probabaly only feels so special because the thaught of him fills that viod that you have. You either need to fix things with MC or end it asap.

You don't need to hurt someone you love and end up getting nothig n the end.

[NoIDidn't]

I think I know who you are, and you certainly would not lose any respect in my eyes. It takes a big person to reveal the above.

 

I have an XBF like this. Every couple of months to years he contacts me hoping to start things up, but we argue and it ends badly.....until the next time. For years I thought maybe if the timing was right, but the truth is it won't ever be. I was arguing with him b/c he treated me badly as a BF and worst as a friend disrespecting my M. My EX I have come to see fits COMPLETELY the profile of a narcissistic personality.

 

Delete him and take a computer holiday. Cancel the hotel and don't go see him. Ignore him if he contacts you.

 

I met up with my EX as a friend to say hi about 9 years ago, and he tried to set me up by leaving stuff in my car hoping my H would find it and question me. Then he said to me that my M must not be all that because I met him (in my mind as a friend). He will turn this to you being a chaser. Let him go.

 

 

Sounds like bad news.

[Freedom Now]

You will get no judgement here. These affairs are incredibly difficult to extricate oneself from.

[smartgirl]

Guest, I'm a BS and normally do not have much in the way of good feelings for an OW. But as a woman, I feel for what you are going through. In a previous post you wisely said that no one in an A comes out without being hurt. It is an unhealthy situation for all because there is so little honesty or ability trust - no matter who you are. There has to be a man out there for you that is not so encumbered and unlikely to give you what you want. Yes, 4 years is a long time. But the rest of your life is a lot longer. Someone suggested you change all your numbers and contact info - they are right. You are addicted to this guy. People who smoke sometimes don't especially like it but they can't give it up. Because you are addicted doesn't mean you are happy. You can't be happy until you are someone's one and only. EVERY woman deserves that. Please find a good therapist. I have finally found someone that is helping to guide me to a better place. You need someone who will help you without judging you so you can build a life of your own - not one you are sharing with someone else. I wish you luck Guest.

[pricillia]

if he e-mails you again, tell him you want something of substance, and that you can not get that from him and never will.

I don't know who you are and it does not matter, we all have the longing to find that certian someone.

[travellingman]

too obvious that you need to let this guy go, he's fu-king with you and you're taking the bait like a lab rat

 

but bigger issue is what to do about your marriage, you need to either fix it or end it, it'll make you miserable in other ways if you don't

[Adunaphel]

It is great that you decided to post about this, and I don't think anyone worth listening to would lose respect for you.

 

Whether this guy meant it when he told you he loved you years ago (which I doubt, he was probably not thinking or perhaps even playing you), is now irrilevant.

 

- he does not respect you. If he respected you, he'd be acting differently.

 

- he does not trust you - he wants to be in control, he is the one contacting you, he even gave you a fake e-mail address!!!

How can a guy who treats you with the same lack of trust he'd treat a rabid dog love you??? Giving you a fake email is one of the most offensive things a guy can do in such a situation, imo.

 

- for all you know, he might have been feeding you lies. His W might be not pregnant/with a 4th child, he might be cheating on her with a lot of different women and feeding lies to all of them. How convenient it is that he can't leave his wife.

So he can fully exploit the "I love you" bullsh*t line without paying the consequences or taking responsability.

 

 

Like a complete fool I jumped at the chance. I've made reservations at a nearby hotel for 3 days. Last night we spoke online and he didn't seem all that excited that I was coming. I felt like he was possibly regretting asking me.

 

When are you supposed to go see him?

Please, please, do not go.

 

But (this is not an option) do not agree to meet him anywhere, expecially in a hotel room, until you know as much as possible about him.

You met him in a chatroom, so let me guess... you might know not his family name. He might have given you a fake name, fake surname, fake information about him. the fact that you have already caught up is irrilevant.

 

Have him fax you a xerox of his passport (or whatever). Have you call him from his *real*phone number before you meet him. Make sure you have *real* information about him.

 

Well, such a request might make him disappear again. Which would be useful actually.

 

Do you realize that to see him *you* would be the one trvelling, booking a hotel room and such?

He is probably considering you a safe, easily gullible, unexpensive booty call.

 

Is this what you want to be?

 

 

Feel free to PM me anytime. If I can be of a little help, I would be glad to. And I can quite relate to some aspects of your situations.

 

 

Oh, and you can be very, very intelligent and end up in such a situation. brains have nothing to do with it, please do not feel dumb.

 

You are only *acting* dumb because your sense of reality is clouded by this guy. And what you are running after is just a fantasy!!

[Guest]

I am a regular poster here but I'm going undercover because I'm so terribly ashamed of my stupidity that I'm afraid no one will ever take my advice or opinion seriously again after reading this. I hope you'll forgive me for going anon.

 

Over 4 years ago I met a man online in a chat room. I was/am married and it's been a sexless marriage for many years. No kids. He was/is married with kids. Neither of us meant for it to happen (who ever does?) but we grew close quickly. The next month I drove 11 hours to meet him. He professed his love to me repeatedly and said that he wanted to have a life with me, have a child with me and wanted me to move there. We didn't have sex because he was unable to (from thinking of his wife, I presume).

 

Within 3 weeks of me leaving to come back home, he got his wife pregnant. They now have 4 children. I was devastated and reeling. I had believed with all my heart he was sincere, as he told me hundreds of times how much he loved/wanted me.

 

For the last 4 years I've mourned and pined over him. We never spoke on the phone; only via online messenger. He would contact me, we'd chat a few times and then we'd always end up in an argument and he'd disappear. We'd go for months at a time with no contact and then he'd show up online telling me he still thinks of me and loves me. We went for a year and a half with no contact whatsoever and then in Jan. of this year he showed up online again. I asked for his email address and he avoided the subject. Finally he gave me one but it was a fake one. More no contact. Through all of this I've hung on with a stupid illusion that he loves me. He still maintains that he thinks of me daily and can't get me out of his mind.

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. He contacted me again after 2 months of silence. He read in my blog that I'm going to be in a nearby town on business next month. He actually asked me to call him (at work). That was a milestone of sorts, since I haven't heard his voice in over 4 years. On the phone he told me that I've affected him like no other, he loves me, I'm in his heart, etc. He also said that he loves his wife and that he can't leave his 4 kids. He told me that if I wanted to stop by on my way to my destination he would love to see me.

 

Like a complete fool I jumped at the chance. I've made reservations at a nearby hotel for 3 days. Last night we spoke online and he didn't seem all that excited that I was coming. I felt like he was possibly regretting asking me. He kept telling me how busy he was, how he didn't know how much time he'd have to spend, etc. I can't help but wonder if it was just an ego trip for him. Could he have just asked me to see if I'd say yes? We ended up in another fight online last night and now I've heard nothing today. I can't help but wonder if he'll disappear until after I've returned from my trip and then turn it around saying I didn't want to see him.

 

Please help me get some perspective here. I want so badly to get this man out of my system. It's been going on for FOUR years. I can't believe how utterly pathetic and dumb I've been. I'm not an unintelligent or unattractive person but this has stolen my self-esteem completely. All this time I've been hanging onto typed words from a computer and nothing else. It's not even a sexual relationship, nor does he really bring up sex. He was definitely attracted when we met in person, but it never went all the way.

 

I want to tell him to get lost once and for all. We've ended things a million times, yet he knows all he has to do is send me an instant message and all is forgiven. I have no pride, no strength, no self control, and no common sense left. I forfeited it all for a married man and father who only wants me as an online distraction when he's bored at work. I feel desperate and without hope.

 

 

Delete everything tie you have to him and he has to you.....

[Guest (orig. poster)]

- for all you know, he might have been feeding you lies. His W might be not pregnant/with a 4th child, he might be cheating on her with a lot of different women and feeding lies to all of them. How convenient it is that he can't leave his wife.

 

I do know that he is who he says he is. He has a somewhat high profile job and his picture is in his local paper a lot. Also, I read the birth announcement when his child was born 3 years ago.

 

Thank you all for your kind advice. I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner to thank you.

 

We have spoken once more on the phone since my last post and have been back and forth arguing. I am supposed to see him in less than two weeks. We spoke on the phone last Tuesday and that night he sent me a message saying that every time he hears my voice he can't get me out of his mind. Last Thursday he sent me an offline message asking me exactly how long I was going to be in town so he could make arrangements. I answered him back saying I would be there three days and I've had NO contact with him since. He never replied.

 

I'm feeling sick to my stomach. I have the gut feeling I've been played AGAIN big time by him. I feel like he invited me to stop by his town on my way just to see if I'd agree and now that the time is drawing near he's cut off all contact with me again. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to send him an email letting him have it but I know that he'll only play innocent and turn it all around on me. He does this EVERY time. He never takes any responsibility for the fact that he'll go weeks and month on end with no contact. The other part of me wants to ignore him completely. I feel 100% certain that I'll eventually hear from him again.......probably AFTER the deadline of my trip. He knows that he can always get a reaction out of me and I'll come running back. How great it would be if I could give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him the way he's ignored me so many times.

 

I feel desperate right now. I want to be strong but I don't know how. I feel like he's yanking me around by the nose and I let him every single time.

[Spinderella]

The other part of me wants to ignore him completely. I feel 100% certain that I'll eventually hear from him again.......probably AFTER the deadline of my trip. He knows that he can always get a reaction out of me and I'll come running back. How great it would be if I could give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him the way he's ignored me so many times.

 

I feel desperate right now. I want to be strong but I don't know how. I feel like he's yanking me around by the nose and I let him every single time.

When a situation or person makes you feel powerless, its easy to believe that you are powerless. You aren't though. You CAN ignore him like he ignores you. There must be a reason that you are hanging on to a situation that gives you nothing but pain, and that reason has to be most peoples biggest motivation-fear.

Really think about what letting him go for good, means to you. What hopes did he offer, that you are afraid to let go of? What needs and dreams did he appear to have the potential to fulfil? Did he give you an escape from something that you find unbearable to face?

Face up to whatever the fear is, but first you have to identify it. It may not even be so bad as you think. Is it perhaps that you want out of your marriage, but are afraid to take those steps alone?

In any relationship with a dysfunctional individual it is important not to take things personally. He was married anyway, you have not failed at this relationship, it never was going to be a relationship anyway.

[lindya]

II'm feeling sick to my stomach. I have the gut feeling I've been played AGAIN big time by him. I feel like he invited me to stop by his town on my way just to see if I'd agree and now that the time is drawing near he's cut off all contact with me again. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to send him an email letting him have it but I know that he'll only play innocent and turn it all around on me. He does this EVERY time. He never takes any responsibility for the fact that he'll go weeks and month on end with no contact. The other part of me wants to ignore him completely. I feel 100% certain that I'll eventually hear from him again.......probably AFTER the deadline of my trip. He knows that he can always get a reaction out of me and I'll come running back. How great it would be if I could give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him the way he's ignored me so many times.

 

I think you have to figure out what it is that you're getting from this situation that you weren't getting before he came along. Is it purely sex, or is there some other need that all of this is fulfilling for you? Until you figure out exactly what the needs he's fulfilling are - and, from that point, start finding alternative (if, perhaps, less exciting) ways of getting them met - the temptation to maintain contact with this man is goig to keep getting the better of you.

[Guest (orig. poster)]

Really think about what letting him go for good, means to you. What hopes did he offer, that you are afraid to let go of? What needs and dreams did he appear to have the potential to fulfil? Did he give you an escape from something that you find unbearable to face?

 

I think in my mind I thought he was someone who really "got" me and who understood what's in my heart. I felt he was the first and only to do that. When I get into reality, though, I see that's not even true. If he TRULY understood and got me, he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. I guess if I really analyze the whole thing, I'm simply repeating abandonment issues from my childhood. Perhaps I'm trying to relive and "fix" things that were done to me as a child.

 

Lindya, it's definitely not a sex thing. We've never had sex. I met him once in person over 4 years ago but we weren't intimate. He tried but couldn't. Since that meeting I've only spoken to him 3 times over the phone. That's 3 times in almost 4 1/2 years. All other contact has been online.

 

See, that's what's so utterly pathetic about this whole situation. He's not someone I come in contact with daily or someone I speak to often. He's hundreds of miles away from me. If I don't go online he doesn't really even exist. If only I could get him out of my mind.

[Spinderella]

I think in my mind I thought he was someone who really "got" me and who understood what's in my heart. I felt he was the first and only to do that. When I get into reality' date=' though, I see that's not even true. If he TRULY understood and got me, he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. [/quote']

I think we are all alone really, at the end of the day.

I know what it is like to meet somebody who seems to "get" you though, and how hard it is to let that go. Maybe he did get you, but, what you are living are the realities of him in your life, and it doesn't sound pleasant at all. It isnt going to change either. So how important is it to have somebody who "gets" you, and what sacrifices and compromises are you willing to make to (maybe) have this?

I guess if I really analyze the whole thing, I'm simply repeating abandonment issues from my childhood.

Perhaps I'm trying to relive and "fix" things that were done to me as a child.

These things are kind of pointless as you can't change them and analysing them only consolidates them as a part of your identity IMO. You can let go of them by just being self aware as much as possible. That is by being calm and looking at where you are really coming from in every situation. Again IMO.

 

See, that's what's so utterly pathetic about this whole situation. He's not someone I come in contact with daily or someone I speak to often. He's hundreds of miles away from me. If I don't go online he doesn't really even exist. If only I could get him out of my mind.

All of this makes it so much easier to keep it there as a fantasy.

[lindya]

Lindya, it's definitely not a sex thing. We've never had sex. I met him once in person over 4 years ago but we weren't intimate. He tried but couldn't. Since that meeting I've only spoken to him 3 times over the phone. That's 3 times in almost 4 1/2 years. All other contact has been online.

 

See, that's what's so utterly pathetic about this whole situation. He's not someone I come in contact with daily or someone I speak to often. He's hundreds of miles away from me. If I don't go online he doesn't really even exist. If only I could get him out of my mind.

 

It's not pathetic. Fantasy is a very powerful thing, and developing this online situation is a potent way of feeding into your fantasies.

 

Is there anyone you're able to speak to in real life about this? I ask, because if your only outlet to talk about this is online I'm not sure that will necessarily help the situation. Actually talking to someone in the flesh, who you can trust, could be a way of forcing you out of cyberspace mode and into real life mode....and will maybe help you to develop a more realistic perspective about this.

 

Four years is a long time to be in touch with someone on this kind of basis. I think it'll take a fair bit of effort for you to break out of this strictly cyberspace relationship, but I'm sure if you can identify some offline support you can get there there.

[blind_otter]

It is so much easier to be in love with a fantasy person, isn't it?

 

because you aren't in love with a real person, not really. Not with this man who is married with 4 children. You love the idea of the romance because you feel so sterile and empty IRL. This is not a chastisment, just an observation. I've done it, too.

 

Socrates said, "know thyself." Do you really? Would you want to really examine why you are irresistably attracted to a man who doesn't exist in reality?

[Adunaphel]

I do know that he is who he says he is. He has a somewhat high profile job and his picture is in his local paper a lot. Also' date=' I read the birth announcement when his child was born 3 years ago.[/quote']

 

It is good that at least you know who he is. Yet, the fact that he gave him a false email address a long time ago (when he was claiming to feel in love with you) is still *very* disturbing.

 

This is going to sound bad, but would you be as fascinated with him as you are if he had a very average job? I am asking not only because it can be quite easy to fall for an "important" guy (not because of how much they earn, but because of the "such an important guy who would have no problem getting sex with no effort from a lot of women chose to hit on me, I feel very special" factor. Which is an extremely tricky one!!!).

 

We have spoken once more on the phone since my last post and have been back and forth arguing. I am supposed to see him in less than two weeks. We spoke on the phone last Tuesday and that night he sent me a message saying that every time he hears my voice he can't get me out of his mind.

 

Ha. This explain why he did the vanishing act, doesn't it? He just disappeared because he would have otherwise been unable to get you out of his mind...

 

This sounds like standard bullsh*t line to me.

 

Last Thursday he sent me an offline message asking me exactly how long I was going to be in town so he could make arrangements. I answered him back saying I would be there three days and I've had NO contact with him since. He never replied.

 

Please, please, please, tell me he hasn't contacted you yet.

 

If you are lucky, he just realized you are emotionally involved and wants no trouble. So he disappeared - again.

Which would be the closest you can get to an happy ending....

 

I'm feeling sick to my stomach. I have the gut feeling I've been played AGAIN big time by him.

 

Listen to your gut. Gut feelings are always rigth!!!

 

I feel like he invited me to stop by his town on my way just to see if I'd agree and now that the time is drawing near he's cut off all contact with me again.

 

Or just to see if he can have a quickie with you and say goodbye to -perhaps -reappear after three more years.

 

I really hope -again - that he *actually* backed off.

 

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to send him an email letting him have it but I know that he'll only play innocent and turn it all around on me.

 

If it is going to make you feel better, send it. If it helped making him detach from you it would be great. I just hope he would not come up with some how-can-you-think-that-I-am-really-in-love-with-you line that you might fall for...

 

He does this EVERY time. He never takes any responsibility for the fact that he'll go weeks and month on end with no contact.

 

How mature.

 

The other part of me wants to ignore him completely. I feel 100% certain that I'll eventually hear from him again.......probably AFTER the deadline of my trip.

 

Hopefully after....

 

How great it would be if I could give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him the way he's ignored me so many times.

 

You would not hurt either him nor his ego much.

His ego, perhaps. just a little.

It will be great when it will come natural to you to ignore him!!!

 

 

I think in my mind I thought he was someone who really "got" me and who understood what's in my heart. I felt he was the first and only to do that. When I get into reality, though, I see that's not even true. If he TRULY understood and got me, he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. I guess if I really analyze the whole thing, I'm simply repeating abandonment issues from my childhood. Perhaps I'm trying to relive and "fix" things that were done to me as a child.

 

It is a really, really good sign that you are managing to analyze the situation. Whether you analysis is accurate (I think it is, btw) is not as important as the fact that you are not completely blinded by the attraction for this guy.

 

Lindya, it's definitely not a sex thing. We've never had sex. I met him once in person over 4 years ago but we weren't intimate. He tried but couldn't. Since that meeting I've only spoken to him 3 times over the phone. That's 3 times in almost 4 1/2 years. All other contact has been online.

 

Was the episode in any way unpleasant for you?

I am asking because if it was it might be useful to think about it again.

Also, I think you were very lucky.

 

See, that's what's so utterly pathetic about this whole situation. He's not someone I come in contact with daily or someone I speak to often. He's hundreds of miles away from me. If I don't go online he doesn't really even exist. If only I could get him out of my mind.

 

I think that not having real life interactions with him just makes it worse for you. It enables you to imagine him as you like....and reality does not necessarily comes forward to crush your fantasy of him, as it would be bound to do if you were around him on a daily basis.