Could have been...

[BannaBee57]

Well, today would have been three years with my ex. It hurts that it's on a day like today (Halloween) because that was just such a fun time of year for us.

 

Last year today we were signing the lease for our apartment together. We moved in and then everything went downhill from there.

 

I feel like I am doing much better than I thought I would have today. It's been exactly three months since the breakup and about 1.5 months NC. I am tentativly interested in another guy that I used to work with many years ago and always had a mini crush on.

 

I know everyone says it's hard to be friends after a breakup but I miss him in my life so much sometimes and I feel like for the last 4-5 months of the relationship all we were was friends/roommates anyway (until I changed my mind and wanted to try again). We were sleeping in the same bed but were never intimate and we talked all the time and hung out at home together but never went out as a couple during this time.

 

I can't stop looking at his myspace page lately and it doesn't look like his life has been so great lately (blogs about being stressed out and upset/sad music playing). In a way that makes me feel better but I know I need to stop looking at it!

 

I guess I'd like some advice on one thing though. I'm expecting him to call next week to get the cell phone plan straightened out as it is the end of our contract. We will have to meet to do this and some of my friends think I should initiate some sort of friendship with him and see what happens. I don't want to lose him from my life but I don't know if seeing him will trigger my emotions from day one. Is it a bad idea to try being friends with him? I'm not going to lie...I would take him back if he wanted to give it another go.

 

Ugh, I hate this!

[bchlvr]

BB-

 

You deserve a lot of credit for getting through the past 1.5 months with NC. When something triggers the good memories, like a holiday, it's natural to wonder if a second chance is possible. There's nothing like remembering the fun times to stir up the feelings of attraction and the qualities you loved about this person.

 

It must be very difficult after three years together not having his companionship every day.

 

I think that making the transition to a friendship requires a lot of detachment. But for now, the urge to find out what is going on in your ex's life from myspace sounds like more than just a passing curiosity. I hope you can honor the fact that you are grieving a significant loss. It's very hard to be in the early process of grieving someone and trying to create a new kind of relationship with them that will probably look very different from the relationship you had together.

 

I would be concerned that creating a friendship right now could be a set- up for disappointment if your ex moves on to new love interests, or does not reciprocate in the ways that you hope for.

When you are a little farther down the road in terms of moving on, and as for my space, you can take or leave it, then perhaps you will have enough emotional distance from your ex to explore what a friendship might look like.

 

Your friends are obviously well intentioned to suggest that you develop a friendship at this point. But there is also a reason that you've maintained no contact. I don't think there is an urgency to pursue a friendship. But there is the priority to do the things that contribute to healing from such an experience and to restore our sense of wellbeing.

And no contact is one of those things.

[D-Lish]

If I'm reading between the lines of your post correctly~ it seems like it's not really a friendship you're pursuing, but are hoping for a reconciliation.

 

Could you actually be friends with him and watch him date other people, or hang out with him and know he doesn't feel the same way? That would only prolong the agony I think.

 

No contact really does help you get over it. What was wrong with the relationship in the last 4 months? Why weren't you intimate? What were the problems? Are they something you could work out? Or are you just missing the companionship and stability?

 

Why not be honest and tell him how you really feel.... and see if he's interested in getting back together? And if it's something he doesn't want to do~ at least you'll know and you'll get some closure.

 

There's nothing wrong with one meeting and a sincere discussion. But, if you want to reconcile and he wants to move on... would you settle on just friendship? I've stayed friends with some exes, but I wasn't able to do it until a long while had passed, and I was sure I didn't want to get back together with them.

 

Friendship doesn't work with all exes, but it can work in some circumstances- usually when both people are emotionally over each other. Otherwise, problems arise.

 

No harm in telling him how you feel though.

Good luck.

D

[BannaBee57]

Thank you bchlvr and D-Lish for your responses.

 

To answer your question D-Lish, the last few months of the relationship were that way because we had both lost interest in the relationship and got caught up in our own busy lives...there's a little more to it and I explained it all in a post in the second chances forum but I don't know how to link it up here, sorry. I did tell him that I wanted him back but by that time he said he would rather see what else was out there. Basically, he said "It's not that I don't love you, I just don't want to try again right now. But, who knows what will happen down the road?". I think what he said there is the main thing that is keeping me from moving on completly. Yes, I would love to reconcile but he has made his point so theres not much I can do but either persue the friendship to see if he changes his mind in the future or forget it entirely to move on.

 

I just can't help but feel that this isn't the end of our story. But, I bet everyone feels that way for a while after a long term relationship. I guess what I have going for me in hopes of a future reconciliation is that I didn't make a fool of myself or cry, beg and stalk him. We never broke up in the 2.5 years we were together (no off and on stuff) and had a generally good relationship without cheating, abuse, or lots of fighting.

 

So, I guess time wil tell with this. I just don't know how to stop hoping and start moving on with my life.

[Guest]

BannaBee57, I just read your earlier post about the hypothyroidism. It helped me to read what you said, because I felt like I was the only one who was going through this.

 

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me this summer because he couldn't handle my depression, anxiety, moodiness and suicidal thoughts. He was massively frustrated because in his mind I didn't do enough to get help for the psychological problems because I kept getting worse by the day. The more I pushed him for reassurance that he wouldn't leave me (I was sooo paranoid), the more he pulled away. I was literally going nuts and had no idea why the psych meds weren't working. Eventually he dumped me while in the midst of a panic attack.

 

Things got really ugly from there. I was so suicidal and kept emailing and contacting him begging him not to leave me. Finally, four months later, I went to another doctor for swelling in my neck. They ran blood tests and said it was thyroid disease and put me on the thyroid hormone replacement. It took a few weeks but I'm finally back to myself.

 

The problem is that during this time he felt forced to get a restraining order against me because I was so relentless with all the emails. He even accused me of keying his car, but if that did happen to his car, I think it was some punks in our neighborhood who have vandalizing a lot of cars, including mine. It sure as heck wasn't me, because all my anger and destruction was turned inward toward me.

 

Anyway, when I saw him in court he seemed so angry, which made me really sad. I explained to the judge how I went undiagnosed for so long and that I have great regret for bothering my ex, but that I have no intention of contacting him anymore. The urge to contact him ended about a month ago when the medication started to work. The judge seemed sympathetic to my situation and only extended the order for six months, not the two years my ex was asking for. Regardless of that, I have no intention of contacting him, because the fact is he wouldn't have gone to those lengths if he ever wanted to talk to me again.

 

The thing that I struggle with so much is that he has terrible idea of who I am -- because none of the things I said and did was the real me. I was horribly sick, and the situation was made worse by some outside things that were going on at the time....death in the family, job loss, family issues, etc. It makes me so sad that he would look back on the real me as some sort of crazy person, which I'm not.

 

I'm so angry at the several doctors I saw during that year that never bothered to run the right blood tests. And I'm sort of angry at myself (even though my friends say I shouldn't be) that I couldn't fight off the psych symptoms. I just wish that I'd never gotten sick...then maybe we'd still be together. And I still miss him and love him. I don't know how to change that. It's so hard being well again and not having him here.

 

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack your post, but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone.

[BannaBee57]

Hey Guest, thanks for your reply.

 

It's so easy to blame yourself or your sickness for the demise of the relationship. But, I think of it this way...if they can't be with us when we're having a hard time in life, like a medical issue, then how will they react down the road when something else that is serious comes along.

 

I've reached a point where I am greatful that he didn't wait to show his true colores somewhere down the line, like after we we're married or had a family.

 

My thyroid is under control now and my panic attacks/depression have subsided greatly. I hope you are doing well too!

[miss snoopy]

Guest - I'm pleased (although a bit sad) you posted your story. My boyfriend left me for similar reasons to yours, he thinks I'm mentally unstable as I got so paranoid about his ex and about him leaving me, and started having panic attacks.

 

Hugs to you BannaBee57 and everyone going through a difficult time right now - I can only recommend staying away from your ex for some time as contacting them isn't going to make them change their minds.

[BannaBee57]

"I can only recommend staying away from your ex for some time as contacting them isn't going to make them change their minds".

 

Here, here! He's done all the contacting so far and it makes me very proud of myself!

 

He called a couple days ago about the cell phone, like I knew he would. We had a nice little chat and he said if I wanted we could stay on the plan together since it's a really good deal for both of us (actually a better deal for me). So, I guess thats a good sign that he's not going to be cold towards me in the future or anything.

 

In a strange way talking to him has put my mind at ease and I've been feeling pretty good the past few days. Though, this also may be due to some extra male attention from the guy I'm a tad interested in!

 

Thanks for all the kind words and shared stories guys!

[D-Lish]

It's really hard for someone looking from the outside-in, to have any empathy for things like depression, anxiety, etc. All they see is the irrational behaviour and instability.

 

Some people just don't have the patience or insight to deal with that.

 

I have anxiety, and started meds at the onset of my break up with my ex. It sucks, because he left because my anxiety caused him to lose patience with me. Now, three months later, I'm a different person and I only wish he could see me now. I too struggle with the guilt that my ex thinks I'm a bad person. The last memory he has of me is of a big fight. I hate that it ended that way.

 

We can't change the past~ but we can learn from our past, and move forward with the confidence that we won't repeat those mistakes.

 

I still pine for a second chance, but I think the damage has already been done. I don't contact him or reach out anymore, and I only did it a few times initially after breaking up. I'm still hoping that he will one day come to his senses and realize he has made a big mistake. Know what else I hope? I hope I find someone more deserving of my love by the time he realizes his mistake and reaches out.

 

Break ups are frustrating- and they do a number on your ego.

But regardless of what mistakes or influences that caused us to make mistakes... we deserve a second chance at a loving relationship with someone new.

 

What pisses me off a whole lot is that my ex bf made me feel so awful for having anxiety. And when I compare my actions and behaviour with my friends, and friends girlfriends- I was never that bad. Like everyone, I have a warm, friendly and generous side...as well as an anxiety induced irritable side. When you love someone, you should be able to love all of them- not just the good without expecting imperfections. I too am thankful that I figured out after a year of dating him that he lacked the ability to support me or accept my shortcomings. Afterall, I accepted his.

 

I'm not ready to date again, my heart is still broken... but I'm just continuing to work on what I need to do to better myself. It gets a little easier every day.

 

Good luck to you guys.

D

[miss snoopy]

Well done Banabee57 and I hope something great comes out of this new guy - sometimes it's good to just start on a clean slate. I wish I had a guy to distract me!

 

D-Lish, I could have written your post.. in fact I remember looking at old posts when I joined and saw a letter/email you wrote to your ex and it was like I had written it, it was just 100% my thoughts. Our "stories" are so similar except I've got situational anxiety which only occurs in a romantic relationship when I feel I'm being abandoned, so not amenable to meds. And I have a tendency to unconsciously sabotage relationships when they're going too well - for e.g. my b/day was coming up and I silently told myself "don't, don't, DON'T, just hold out until your big day - but I couldn't, I made my trademark paranoid, catty remarks and kept going until he had had enough, then went crazy sobbing, begging him not to leave etc. How I wish I could turn back the clock...

 

You raised a very good point which is something I think of all the time - they're our boyfriends/husbands/partners, they're meant to love us warts and all. So why don't they? But are they?

 

Let's imagine a healthy, strong relationship is a building. We start relationships off on a blank slate with physical attraction and all the other bits you get to find out on the first date (smart, independent etc) as the foundation. Then based on how we are with each other we build, and build, and build... trust, generosity, respect, kindness, happiness.. all these feelings and emotions are what we begin to foster in each other, and that's what builds up into love = healthy, strong relationship. When this is built, it takes a lot to destroy it, hence old aunt Mavis looking after uncle Dave even after his accidnet which made him quadriplegic...

 

However the more drama and trauma (or issues and tissues as I like to call them) that happen early on, the longer it takes to get to that strong, healthy place, and things like insecurity, negativity, irritability, lack of trust and the tense atmosphere that comes from one's unpredictable psyche just chips away at the "building" until the cons outweigh the pros and the other party wants out.

 

Often the OP initiates NC immediately to protect themselves from a return to the "toxic" environment as they know they are weak (because the foundations are still there) That's not to say the other party is blameless, most of the time they don't do enough to make us secure, and this comes from their own experiences, often from their previous relationships. My ex for e.g. had not fully got over his ex when we started seeing each other, and made no attempt to reduce their contact to give our relationship a really good chance. But I don't think he was consciously aware of this. So fundamentally it may be a case of it not being a perfect match to begin with, but how can any of this be obvious during the "gorgeous woman/man you fancy to bits kinda likes you too" stage?

 

I'm just thinking aloud and it does help...maybe I need to stop analysing stuff so much!

[D-Lish]

Hi MS,

 

The wanting to turn back the clock is my trademark regret in most of my relationships. I fall in love and the very thought of being vulnerable makes me a difficult person to be around. I'm an awesome carefree gf until I fall in love. then my brain goes crazy and I start to worry about getting hurt and being abandoned, so I shove them away. Then I plead for a second chance.

 

It's a crazy cycle, one that I have never been able to break, even though I recognize and have insight into why.

 

It's funny because I am fun and smart and generous, and I have all these great qualities to offer someone. But I too sabotage, I become this person that I don't want to be.... then this wonderful guy wonders where that awesome girl he first met went.

 

I'm working on it though. And my ex wasn't perfect. Far from it actually!

 

It's just that you just end up beating yourself up for your inability to control your actions, and that guilt stays with you long after the pain of the break up goes away.

 

So, I hear ya...

Thanks for validating I'm not the only one that acts this way in relationships!

:-)

D