libertyjen Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I never thought these words would come out of my mouth but I'm cheating on my husband. My husband goes to school and work full-time. I go to work full-time. We have a 1 1/2 daughter. We've been together for 7 years, married for 2 of them. I don't know if I fell in love too early, if I'm getting back at him for continuing to promise not to look at porn but still does, if it's because I had a miscarriage and he didn't grieve with me, or if I just don't love him anymore. I don't feel anything when we hold each other, kiss, or have sex. I know this is breaking his heart and it hurts to hear it in his voice but I don't know what to do. Meanwhile, I've fallen in love with a man at work who has the time to listen to me, talk to me and hold me. He's not sure if he's in love with me but he feels close to it. I want to make my marriage work for my daughter but my husband has made it clear he doesn't want to be in a love-less marriage. I want to be with this other man but I want to know him more. I don't know whether to leave a man who loves me but that I no longer love or let go of a man I love but isn't sure he loves me.
Sup Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Have you told your husband about your affair? If not, he deserves to know so he can make his own decision about his life as to whether he wants to stay married to you or divorce you, don't force him to live a lie.
Author libertyjen Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 No, I haven't. I heard that unless he asks you if you're cheating you shouldn't tell him because if you do it, you would be telling him just to cause chaos.
Sup Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 You also may have exposed him to an STD, he has the right to know about what YOU may have given him. He has the right to know what kind of person he's living with as well. Basically, you're wasting HIS time to find someone else who will respect him and be faithful to him, by the way, there is NO reason to cheat PERIOD!
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I... if I'm getting back at him for continuing to promise not to look at porn but still does, So looking at porn - an unreal fantasy - is somehow the equivelant of a real life hard core sex affair? What am I missng here? if it's because I had a miscarriage and he didn't grieve with me, or if I just don't love him anymore.Men may greive differently than women. Some hide their feelings to avoid showing anyone they are vulnerable and weak. It is unmanly to cry. I don't feel anything when we hold each other, kiss, or have sex. I know this is breaking his heart and it hurts to hear it in his voice but I don't know what to do. divorce him. At least have the decency to let him find someone that can be faithful and love him the way he deserves. And regardless, if you have cheated, he deserves to have other women as you have had other men. I mean he should have an equal chance to get an STD from someone other than you... Meanwhile, I've fallen in love with a man at work who has the time to listen to me, talk to me and hold me. He's not sure if he's in love with me but he feels close to it. Yeah, go marry him and then cheat on him when the fire cools down as I'm sure it will. I want to make my marriage work for my daughter but my husband has made it clear he doesn't want to be in a love-less marriage. You mean he doesn't know about the other man - yet? Of course he doesn't want a loveless marrige. Who would? I want to be with this other man but I want to know him more. I don't know whether to leave a man who loves me but that I no longer love or let go of a man I love but isn't sure he loves me.Aw, gee, ain't life tough... decisions, decisions, decisions.... How about letting your H make the decision for you. Tell him about your affair. You also may have exposed him to an STD, he has the right to know about what YOU may have given him. Yeah, it's kind of like you raped your husband - focring him to have sex with everybody the other guy has ever had sex with... eeewwww.... there is NO reason to cheat PERIOD! Oh, come on Sup how can you be so judgemental.... of course there are reasons to cheat. None of them good reasons but there are reasons. Cheaters all have them.
FlyingHigh Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Flyin and Sup- You two took the words out of my mouth!!! Not much else to cover. Take a step from this infidelity forum and go to "Separation/Divorce" so that that you can get a glimpse of a dose of reality of what cheating has done. You seem like an intelligent woman and articulate. BUT you have yet to articulated youself the honesty and respect for which your husband deserves. Affairs is a fantasy. It's an illusion. You're in love with an illusion. Do you know the problem with an illusion? It has NO flaws. It doesn't account for STDs, humility, pain of betrayal, loss of job especially if you two work for the same company and financial consequences. Not to mention, your OM going psycho on you. And if he's married or has a girlfriend, his SO may go psycho on you and your family. AND if you live in a "fault" state, your a$$ is grass if your H divorces you! Those who "consciously" engage in extra marital affairs like you are like drug addicts. You get your fix whenever you see, talk, email, smile and have sex with the OM. And like a drug addict, once your fix wears off, you mischieviously arrange your schedule when you can get another fix. You lie to your family, friends, your child and husband. You may miss a bedtime story or cut it short because you and your OM scheduled to give each other the needed fix. Instead of planning a nice dinner for your family, you decide for take out or drive thru because, oops, you have to have your fix. Overtime, like a drug addict, you perfected the art of lying and cheating. Does this make you feel good about yourself? IF you don't come clean, this is what I did to my cheating xh once I found out. I exposed him and his OW to the world and their respected employers. I sent copies of her deranged emails to both sides of the family. Did I love him enough to try to make it work? Yes! But 4 months of marriage counseling didn't work because the bastard continued to lie and cheat. Final kick was 9/11. Divorce is in the works. THIS IS reality of the aftermath cheating leaves behind. Luckily, we didn't have kids. You work with the guy? Expect one of you will/may lose your job because of it. That's reality!!! Do you honestly think this OM is going to want a long term relationship with you? Get real girl! You're cheating on your husband with him!!! You don't have integrity, self-respect and respect for your husband and marriage! You say you want to make your marriage work. Then have the guts to come clean. Affair is a symptom of what's lacking and not working in your marriage. If your H is able to forgive, your marriage may have a shot especially since you two have a child together. You may want to take a peek on www.marriagebuilders.com to further help you why you decided to cheat. Consider this your life lesson. If you don't take the time to learn it now, it will come back until you get it right. OK, I lied...there was a few other things that needed to be covered.
some_guy Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I think FlyingHigh is right, that you need to understand why you are doing it. It sounds to me though that it's going to be very difficult to continue with your husband. I know people say that marriage has it's ups and downs and you have to try to make it work, so is this what they mean? That at times you will lose the love and desire but if you work hard you'll get it back, or just get used to not having it? I also think that affairs are not always just a quick fix. If you weren't married then no-one judges you if you meet someone else, fall in love with them, and leave your current boyfriend or girlfriend, but it is a sin to do it if you're married. It happens though, you can meet the perfect person for you after you are married, which is a sad thing to happen but it happens all the time. Of course it's true that early on in a relationship things are always more exciting and passionate, but if you can see past that maybe what you have is real love and the person really is the right one for you? So, I think this is what you need to ask yourself. Imagine yourself with the other guy in 5 years time. Imagine being with him in ordinary situations and try and decide if he really is the perfect guy for you or whether it is just to replace something missing from your marriage. If it's something missing from your marriage then can you get it back if you both try hard? I am cheating now, but I believe it's for someone who is the type I want to marry, it's not just to fill a gap in my own marriage. I have thought it through logically and know the concrete reasons why I am so attracted to this lady. The stress of cheating now after some time is too much to do it just for the sex, I would only do this for someone I love (OK but not at the beginning, back then you can say all of the bad things you can say about a cheater). You need to talk to the other guy though. If he is not sincere then he could be leading you on. I don't believe all cheaters are rotten and are not sincere, and I don't believe that I am like that, but I suppose a lot of them are and are doing it only for the physical aspect and will lie to get it After all they are already lying to their spouse.
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 No, I haven't. I heard that unless he asks you if you're cheating you shouldn't tell him because if you do it, you would be telling him just to cause chaos. So if he finds out on his own, snoops or someone else tells him, it would be easier on you then? If you don't love him anymore, END the marriage. Go be with the other man. Don't stay in a loveless marriage! Cheating and still having your husband in your life isn't fair to him! HE is losing out, not you and that is pure selfishness on your behalf. HE is missing out on being with a woman that will love him and not cheat on him. He'll respect you abit more if you tell him that you've met someone else and are having an affair. Yeah, he'll be upset/pissed off, but atleast you'd be honest with him on what is going on, instead of living a lie.
FlyingHigh Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 So if he finds out on his own, snoops or someone else tells him, it would be easier on you then? If you don't love him anymore, END the marriage. Go be with the other man. Don't stay in a loveless marriage! Cheating and still having your husband in your life isn't fair to him! HE is losing out, not you and that is pure selfishness on your behalf. HE is missing out on being with a woman that will love him and not cheat on him. He'll respect you abit more if you tell him that you've met someone else and are having an affair. Yeah, he'll be upset/pissed off, but atleast you'd be honest with him on what is going on, instead of living a lie. Agree with you WWIP! Cheaters seem to always have the answers for everything why they're cheating....kinda like a narcissist.
LakesideDream Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Like many women, you keep a "book of wrongs" at least in your head. After working full time, and going to school (to provide a better life for you all), you husband looks at some porn. And... he didn't greive at a level acceptable to you after your miscarriage. Maybe you "fell in love" to early.. or just fell out of love. Those are just excuses for your Infidelity. You have taken everything good from your marriage and are dragging it in the mud. It isn't a lack of love you should be feeling it's shame. Either stop seeing the OM, and never do it again so your children can have a stable home and a mom and dad.... or tell your husband, file for a divorce and become the single woman you are acting like. From your decription, you husband is not to blame.
FlyingHigh Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Like many women, you keep a "book of wrongs" at least in your head. After working full time, and going to school (to provide a better life for you all), you husband looks at some porn. And... he didn't greive at a level acceptable to you after your miscarriage. Maybe you "fell in love" to early.. or just fell out of love. Those are just excuses for your Infidelity. You have taken everything good from your marriage and are dragging it in the mud. It isn't a lack of love you should be feeling it's shame. Either stop seeing the OM, and never do it again so your children can have a stable home and a mom and dad.... or tell your husband, file for a divorce and become the single woman you are acting like. From your decription, you husband is not to blame. Another great one! Now....I'm really speechless....
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