We all live together!

[aubrey_25_99]

Help! I am an OW with a unique problem. About 2-1/2 years ago my best friends invited me into their marriage. I was seeing someone else at the time, but I felt the same way they did and so I entered their marriage. I tried to maintain my other relationship for a while (about a year), but found that 3 lovers was too many to juggle,

 

and I really just wanted to be with my friend's husband. I told him that I was tired of juggling so many relationships and that I wanted a one-on-one relationship instead of a polyamorous relationship, and he decided to be with me instead of his wife. THe problem?

 

We all live together in the same house. The W knows about us wanting to be together but she won't leave. It's like some kind of sick game. The MM and I sleep together in a seperate room from her, we barely speak to her at home, and we do things independant from her.

 

The MM won't ask the W to leave, and the W does not seem inclined to leave on her own. She engages in many mind games both with myself and the H, but does not communicate with us verbally. She is very passive agressive towards me and does things on purpose to mess with me. (i.e. she went through the house while no one else was home and packed everything she wanted to keep to herself up in boxes and hauled them off to storage, including many things that belonged to me!!

 

I mean, if she's going to leave then she can take whatever she wants, beleive me it would be a good trade, but to pack up all of this stuff and hide it away JUST so I can't get to it is asinine!). Also, his family like the W a lot and he is afraid to tell them that they are no longer together and that he is with me. They did not know anything about our polyamorous relationship and the W and MM have borrowed money from his parents and he is afraid that it will all fall on him if they get divorced and he tells his parents about me.

 

As a result, everytime there is a family event, she goes with him and not me. She loves to rub this in my face. And she lays it on extra thick, especially in front of the MM's parents. Like I said, she goes out of her way to make things difficult. Pile on top of that the fact that we all own a business together and have to see each other every day at the shop. We barely talk while we are there, too and it is affecting our business.

I don't know what to do and I am at my wit's end here.

 

I know he loves me. He sleeps with me every night, he goes out of his way to show me that he loves me and not her; he did not even buy her a birthday gift this year. There is no indication to me that he still wants to be with her romantically, but he is too afraid to take the steps he needs to take to make a happy life for the two of us.

 

There is no possible way to have a normal relationship with someone who is asking you to hide your feelings whenever his family is around, and it is equally impssible to have a relationship while your man's (hopefully) soon-to-be ex-wife is "in house", not to sound too eager, as I know it may never happen.

 

I guess, I am really looking to find someone, anyone, out there who has been in any form of similar situation. I can't be teh only one, but I feel like I am. Every day I wake up and I am either so angry I could spit or so sad I could just sit down and cry. I have tried to reason with the MM about how stupid it is to hold us in this ridiculous situation and all I can get out of him is "I'm sorry" and "I love you". That's a great start, but he needs to step up to the plate and either do right by me or go back to her. Something's gotta give here.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Anyone who wants to bash on me about getting involved in someone else's marriage or about infidelity, or poyamory, or anything related to that will be swiftly ignored.

[Guest]

Why the hell should she leave? Its HER house. Do you pay rent? Hell, her H hasn't even asked her to leave. You entered their relationship deceitfully and now you are upset that she won't leave. You state that you really only wanted him. Does he have a great insurance plan or something?

 

She won't leave because she knows that she has all the power. You can try to wait her out if you want but it won't get you anything. In the eyes of the law, you are nothing more than a ROOMMATE. If he kicks the bucket, I hope you will have the decency to not have your hand out.

 

When you get tired of the drama, YOU will leave. But boy, this is some way to treat a woman you described as a "best friend".

[BUTAFLY]

what do you want him to do? It would be a start if you guys moved out together. Yes the wife has taken your things but I would consider that a trade for what has went down- cut your loses on the trinkets.

 

This is a very unique situation to say the least. I have only been in something similar to this many moons ago, when I was 22 and dating a guy from our job (we all worked for the same company), I introduced him to my roommate, we all started hanging out, then they started hanging out without me. We broke up and the next thing i know she was effing him in our apartment a day later. He continued to comeover to see her, they snuggled on the couch, cook meal together, after they were done having sex he would come out of her bedroom in boxers, walk past me in the kitchen and take the food and drinks I bought back in the bedroom for them. Pretty much they acted as I didn't exist. I know after a while I couldn't handle it anymore so I moved out.

 

But it sound like the Wife his holding her ground. Do you guys live in a house? maybe she feels like its her house and she shouldn't leave. How long have you and mm been together as a couple...maybe she will break down leave. I wouldn't pressure mm because this is huge.I would say he is very angry with W to do such a think in front of her like this and is looking to stick it to her for some reason or the other. When push comes to shove he may realize this and decide to stay with W. Not because he doesnt love you, but because it may be easier that way (nothing to divide, don't have to deal w/ repaying the loan himself, no stigma from family ect ect).

 

keep us posted this one is a real doozie!

[a4a]

Why dont you just move out and let MM follow you or stay.

 

I think you are participating in this power struggle and being just as passive aggressive as the W. So is the MM.

 

Just move and if he comes with you no more problems..... buy out her share of the business or learn to keep business business.

[noforgiveness]

Yes i agree. You need to move out. The two of you together fine but it is you who needs to move not the wife.

 

Odd situation but your attitude that you get to stay since he wants you and the wife whose home it is is silly.

 

Oh and of course she is bothering you. What do you expect. You readily admitted this was supposed to be polyamouros or whatever but said you really just wanted to be with the husband. You moved in on false pretenses, replaced the wife and now you just want her to shoo.

 

Do you realize how selfish this sounds? You and him need to start packing NOW and leave the wife some peace. HER HOME.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What is MM's reason for not wanting a divorce from his W?

[lindya]

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Anyone who wants to bash on me about getting involved in someone else's marriage or about infidelity, or poyamory, or anything related to that will be swiftly ignored.

 

The problem is that your post is highly critical of the wife's behaviour - to the extent that you seem to view yourself as being the wronged party. Like it or not, the place you are currently residing in is her home not yours - and the fact that you share a bed with her husband doesn't alter that.

 

You have two choices. Either you continue in an incredibly unhealthy situation, and you carry on hoping that if the pain gets sufficiently intolerable for this woman she will move out of her home. Or you can move out...letting your lover decide whether he wants to follow you. If you opt for the former, then basically you're screwing another woman over in her own home. There's bound to be a price to pay for doing that...so I guess you'll just have to put up with paying that price.

[aubrey_25_99]

Yes i agree. You need to move out. The two of you together fine but it is you who needs to move not the wife.

 

Odd situation but your attitude that you get to stay since he wants you and the wife whose home it is is silly.

 

Oh and of course she is bothering you. What do you expect. You readily admitted this was supposed to be polyamouros or whatever but said you really just wanted to be with the husband. You moved in on false pretenses, replaced the wife and now you just want her to shoo.

 

Do you realize how selfish this sounds? You and him need to start packing NOW and leave the wife some peace. HER HOME.

 

Thanks for the quick response!

I know that this whole situation sounds selfish of me, but I did not explain all the bad stuff that went down to get us to where we are.

 

First, about the house, It belongs to the parents of the MM. THey bought it for him to rent long before he married the W. If they got a divorce, the house would continue to belong to his parents, and therefore to him. So, it is not like their family home that they bought together when they got married. Even if I were not around and they split up, the house would be his parents house.

 

Also, I did not get invloved in their marriage just to steal the H. I did not move in on false pretenses. I was equally interested in the W when we all got together. for over a year we were a trio, we did everything together as a unit: vacations, dinners out, movies, etc... etc (and, YES, we all slept together in the same bed). We got along great. But, as I said in my first post, I was also trying to maintain another boyfriend and this got really time consuming. I broke up with the boyfriend because I found myself wanting to spend all of my time with the married couple. After I broke up with my boyfriend and started spending more time with the married couple, she started treating me like a bag of garbage. The MM had been begging me for months not to go to my BF anymore because he was jealous and after I broke up with him, the MM started to give a lot more attention to me. Don't get me wrong here, the W got a lot of attention from him too, but she did not like the attention I was getting and we started not to get along. She stopped wanting to give me attention and I stopped wanting to give her attention. This grew slowly and through a lot of mind games into what it is now: we can't stand eachother. What I am trying to say is that I did not just swoop in and take this gal's H and I had no intention of doing so, ever. I was her lover, too. I wanted to be with them both at first, but It did not work out between the W and I, and the H decided he wanted to be with me and not her because he saw all the crazy, uncouth things that she was doing to me (I would get in to examples, but it seems so petty to dwell on these things. Let's just say they were childish and selfish on her part). He did not realize that she was this kind of a person and he did not like it.

 

The bottom line here is, they BOTH invited me into thier marriage. This worked out great until I no longer had a "primary" boyfriend of my own. After I broke up with the BF I got too close for her comfort. I don't know if I was too overtly bi-sexual for her or what. She acted like she was ashamed to be with a woman all of a sudden. She started treating me like a throw away. She did not want to be intimate with me anymore, she did not want me around anymore. She broke up with me. She also started giving HIM the cold shoulder. Not talking to him, not wanting to be intimate with him, playing her silly mind games, etc. She just completely shut down.

 

If I seem too critical of the W it's because of all the stupid games she tries to play with me and all the ridiculous things she does to attract attention to herself. We were plucking along just fine as a trio, and she caused it to come to a screeching halt when she started acting deviant. She tries to make me look bad on a daily basis. She has made herself out to be a "scorned wife", but the reality here is that she pushed us away. And try to remember, she is also my ex-girlfriend, not just the W of my MM. She thought she could control my emotions and her H's emotions, but that is a mistake no one should make. I was in love with her, too. But I cannot stay with someone who does not want me. She left our situation, we did not leave her.

 

I hope this does not all sound b#@chy and selfish. I am terribly hurt by this woman. I trusted her and loved her, but she was obviously looking at me as some kind of "toy" that she could just put on the shelf when she was done with it. I guess I should have explained all of this in my first post, based on the responses I got. It did sound terribly selfish of me the way I posted it the first time. My appologies.

 

Thanks again for your time!