Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I am not so sure I should be writing here - so many of the threads I have read have very good reason for suspecting. My problem is I cannot stop suspecting my gf of 3 months, though I have never found anything "wrong" (and sometimes when I have "thought" something was wrong, was almost certain, I have found it is really exactly as she says with not a doubt) and my gf seems to be a wonderful woman who has introduced me to all her friends. Things that make me suspicious are: 1) she only answers the phone about 50% of the time when I call. She has call display. 2) she is sometimes "dodgy" about what she did the night before and will try and deflect the question by asking what I did. 3) these times she is dodgy are most often about nights she has mentioned how a friend had a "problem" and she was going to try and chat with them over some beers. This obvious "you cannot come with us" followed by a reluctance to talk makes me...uncomfortable to say the least. 4) A "gay friend" of hers returned home from a month long trip about a month ago - she was late phoning me that night, when she did she left no message, and when I showed at her house (where they and her room mate were hanging out) was all eyes for him and was uncomfprtable touching me...the night prior to this was one of the times she was dodgy about talking about. 5) A week after he got home she got her hair done, did her nails, and got a waxing. 6) shortly after this (I brought up that I was uncomfortable about the situation with him at the house) she said it might be a good time to start making "dates" with eachother so we could "get things done in our lives". Admittedly we were pretty nuts and staying up extremely late and seeing eachother 5-6-7 times a week. Sje says it is better to plan and then we can both structure our lives better - I cannot help but think it also helps her plan something, anything....else. 7) she has started being more curious about what specific time I am off work or what specific time we will meet for the evening 8) last friday, after being adamant I not go to HER house after work - she would come to mine - she was EXTREMELY shy about me taking off her pants and "going down", which she has never been before. She said she wanted to build the tension while we were out with my friends rather than doing things before we went out. 9) Last saturday, as we were laying sleepy in her bed around 11:30 PM the phone rang and she did not answer. I checked the call display a couple of days later and every other call is there but that one. You see - they are all intensely minor things, most with very good explanations (maybe her phone is like mine and only stores the latest of each call from a specific number...erasing all previous calls, etc.) and I KNOW FOR SURE I have tendency(feels like a disease sometimes) to suspect people...especially when I really lilke them. What screws me up is - is it just my fear/paranoia that has me analyzing EVERY little action, statement, and occurence or is it because I really have something to worry about. We have talked a little about my fears and she has said she is willing to work with me, that she wants to keep an open dialogue. Prior to me, her last real boyfriend was 3 years ago...by all accounts (hers and her friends ) she is very much in love with me, as I am with her. Am I ruining a wonderful and healthy thing with my clinging/suspecting?? Should I stop trying to be junior detective and just live my life?? How does one make themselves trust another??? Sometimes I wish I could just slice out the paranoia, like a cancer in my brain...reminds me of a line from a song - "The salt inside my body ruins/everything I come close to". Sorry for the immense post, feel like I am going mad and that it is myself doing it!!!!!!!!! Any help would be appreciated...i REALLY want to make things work with her but am afraid if I tell her everything I've said here she will just be freaked/angry.
norajane Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Has someone cheated on you in the past that makes you so suspicious? Try for a month not to question and just believe and trust. I'll bet you feel a million times better that way.
Mythical Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 I don't really blame your for being suspecious, seems a little weird to me too. Did she have an ex boyfriend? How old are you?
2sunny Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 From my perspective - she doesn't owe you explanations for anything.... I'm sorry to say that. You two are not married... three months dating and you are trying to control all her time and whereabouts... who she talks to, goes places with, who calls her on the phone. That alone would make me shiver... Back off and stay busy with a few of your own interests so you don't think about her so much.
Guest Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Has someone cheated on you in the past that makes you so suspicious? Try for a month not to question and just believe and trust. I'll bet you feel a million times better that way. Norajane - yes, was cheated on in the past and beside feeling betrayed felt inordinately stupid - I now have this gross determination not to be fooled, which leads to all kinds of pointless thinking. I am just working through this now, trying to find out how much is MY creation and how much is "valid". As far as I can figure, fairly well none of my fears are valid. I am glad you said what you did - I try not "concocting" stories about what could be going on, but then that bit of me that doesn't want to be fooled again kicks in and says I am burying my head in the sand. I will try my best to do what you advise, ignore and not pursue those thoughts and hopefully find that rather than hurting me, abandoning them is BETTER for me; us. Hopefully I like to think I can get past the paranoia, and I like to think this woman can be MORE than just the woman who "helped" me get over it, but the woman I got over it for. Sometimes love does strange things with our lives. THanks again.
Guest Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 From my perspective - she doesn't owe you explanations for anything.... I'm sorry to say that. You two are not married... three months dating and you are trying to control all her time and whereabouts... who she talks to, goes places with, who calls her on the phone. That alone would make me shiver... Back off and stay busy with a few of your own interests so you don't think about her so much. Sunny2 - you are SO right...she does not owe me explanations and I AM trying to control her in my own weird way, though I never thought of it that like that. Makes me feel kind of...um, gross. Sometimes my mind gets away from me - I will try and maintain my own life, not "dwell" on her. Funny because I KNOW the best relationships are where two people do not try to become "one" but live lives that run parallel, just touching now and then. I think I get so into her that I start to feel she is all there is, which is extremely unhealthy fo me AND her. Thanks for your honesty - you guys have helped. I suspected this all along but needed someone else to say it. Keep on posting!!!
Flyin in Clouds Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 From my perspective - she doesn't owe you explanations for anything.... I'm sorry to say that. You two are not married... three months dating and you are trying to control all her time and whereabouts... who she talks to, goes places with, who calls her on the phone. That alone would make me shiver... Back off and stay busy with a few of your own interests so you don't think about her so much. Yeah, your own interests like other women! Trust a woman? You have to be kidding. Trust but verify. Get a friend to follow her or hire a private dick. Sje says it is better to plan and then we can both structure our lives better - I cannot help but think it also helps her plan something, anything....else.You bet it is... and the old "oh he's gay" dodge... right. Frankly I'd dump her. Certainly I wouldn't be any more "committed" to her than she is to you - which is not much. What you could do is let her know when you're off work, have a "regular schedule" and then when she's pretty comfortable you won't show up at the "wrong time" that's when you do show up at the wrong time... ".she does not owe me explanations and I AM trying to control her in my own weird way, though I never thought of it that like that." Do you owe her any explanations if you go out with a few lesbian friends? Hopefully they'll be really hot lesbians and really bi-sexual. Funny because I KNOW the best relationships are where two people do not try to become "one" but live lives that run parallel, just touching now and then.Funny, I know just the opposite? So what you are realy after in life is just a friend with benifits. Good luck... and remember you can have many friends with benifits, the more the merrier.
LadyGuest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Yeah, your own interests like other women! Trust a woman? You have to be kidding. Trust but verify. Get a friend to follow her or hire a private dick. Funny, I know just the opposite? So what you are really after in life is just a friend with benefits. Good luck... and remember you can have many friends with benifits, the more the merrier. Well there you have it 1 FIC hates women and here is the evidence- anything he says needs this caveat 2 He lacks quality education.
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