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He wanted me but I didnt want him...But I've changed my mind! Arghhh


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Posted
Haha, using my noggin too much is the problem now I think!

 

Even if my parents stay home, I will still say to come over, we could have dinner out and we can still have privacy.

 

He could change his mind seeing I did make a big deal of my parents going away being a once in a lifetime opportunity...hehe....oh dear.

 

If he decides not to come over, what would be the best course of action?

 

Not long now laguy10

Thanks again

megs

 

My advice? Just R E L A X.....you're putting way too much emphasis upon this guy. You've got to realize that even if things don't work out the way you're hoping they will, life will continue, there will be other guys, that you can consider all this a learning experience. Instead of looking for a formula, concentrate on having fun - you're trying to evoke certain things in him, but your main focus should be on just having a good time.....so stop stressing.

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Posted

Laguy10 -Yes I agree, I did stress too much and in hindsight it's probably best that he didn't end up coming over cause I got myself too worked up.

 

And let this be a lesson to people that it's not worth stressing cause things often don't go as planned anyway.

 

The ironic part is that I called him earlier and sent a message but he didn't get back to me!

I believe he is worth the effort though, now that I have come to my senses.

 

So I'm going to leave it for now.

 

I will have to make a decision when I speak to him next, which usually ends up as a phone sex session, if I am straight up with him about how I feel on the phone but still be challenging as in...."anyway it's up to you - you can take it or leave it" in a cheeky way.

or

be more flirtatious on the phone and arrange a night out, as he often mentioned us going out one weekend in the city.

 

As far as he knows, he thinks I am only interested in him as friends and in a physical way which he could not understand.

But him not contacting me about coming over shows a lapse in respect for me I think, which I am concerned about.

 

Which one do you think would be better - if the phone is not a good idea I will just have to be patient.

 

Nearly there!

megs

Posted
Laguy10 -Yes I agree, I did stress too much and in hindsight it's probably best that he didn't end up coming over cause I got myself too worked up.

 

And let this be a lesson to people that it's not worth stressing cause things often don't go as planned anyway.

 

The ironic part is that I called him earlier and sent a message but he didn't get back to me!

I believe he is worth the effort though, now that I have come to my senses.

 

So I'm going to leave it for now.

 

I will have to make a decision when I speak to him next, which usually ends up as a phone sex session, if I am straight up with him about how I feel on the phone but still be challenging as in...."anyway it's up to you - you can take it or leave it" in a cheeky way.

or

be more flirtatious on the phone and arrange a night out, as he often mentioned us going out one weekend in the city.

 

As far as he knows, he thinks I am only interested in him as friends and in a physical way which he could not understand.

But him not contacting me about coming over shows a lapse in respect for me I think, which I am concerned about.

 

Which one do you think would be better - if the phone is not a good idea I will just have to be patient.

 

Nearly there!

megs

 

well, you can deny him the phone sex, and don't have to explain why you're doing so - you have as much right to not have it as he has to have it. i think you, like myself, suffer from a disease I call overanalyticisis - meaning, stop thinking!!!! :lmao: stop analyzing everything that happens (I should be telling myself the same thing, believe me), and just live life as it happens. don't have to figure out everything in advance.....just do what seems best when the situation arises.

Posted

Ok.. in your posting over in the second chances thread, I responded to you.

Your "lovely and respectful guy" as you referred to him, didn't even bother to acknowledge your phone call or message you left him. That's respectful?

Let's look at these quotes, shall we?:

"he very coyly said, "If you want me to come over and we'll have sex then you should just tell me".

"I don't want to lead him on and make him think I only want one thing from him.

He is used to that with girls and I don't want him to think im like that - cause I'm not."

You invited him over when your parents were going to be gone, you already have phone sex with him..and he's "used to that with girls"?????

If you have decided that you want a relationship with him, tell him. Say this is what I want are you on the same page as I am, do you want the same thing too? It cuts through all the BULL**** and gets right to the point. No flirting, no playing games, no leading anybody on and it's not just something women say to other women...it might be what older more experienced women say to men but you get the answer to your question and right then.

Ultimately, this is all your own decision and how you handle it is up to you. I think you know that it is best to be upfront and honest with him. I'm also curious as to whether you two ever talk on the phone where it doesn't end in phone sex? That right there would give you an idea of how he views you.

Good luck and I for one, am glad he did not come over.

Posted
Ok.. in your posting over in the second chances thread, I responded to you.

Your "lovely and respectful guy" as you referred to him, didn't even bother to acknowledge your phone call or message you left him. That's respectful?

Let's look at these quotes, shall we?:

"he very coyly said, "If you want me to come over and we'll have sex then you should just tell me".

"I don't want to lead him on and make him think I only want one thing from him.

He is used to that with girls and I don't want him to think im like that - cause I'm not."

You invited him over when your parents were going to be gone, you already have phone sex with him..and he's "used to that with girls"?????

If you have decided that you want a relationship with him, tell him. Say this is what I want are you on the same page as I am, do you want the same thing too? It cuts through all the BULL**** and gets right to the point. No flirting, no playing games, no leading anybody on and it's not just something women say to other women...it might be what older more experienced women say to men but you get the answer to your question and right then.

Ultimately, this is all your own decision and how you handle it is up to you. I think you know that it is best to be upfront and honest with him. I'm also curious as to whether you two ever talk on the phone where it doesn't end in phone sex? That right there would give you an idea of how he views you.

Good luck and I for one, am glad he did not come over.

 

If only people were logical when it came to their feelings, I would agree; but people always want what they can't have, and also go after that which they think everyone else does have....that's why this guy is getting laid so often, because other women are convinced other women are sleeping with him.....it's all a game, IMO - one which is way too easy to figure out, but too shallow for me to even be bothered by it.

 

Concerning this guy though, if he's used to having women throw themselves at him, then megs is going to have to do something different in order to get his attention (which is what she wants to do)....maybe the honest approach will work....but I kinda doubt it. It's like if I go up to a hot blonde who gets sex whenever she wants, and start talking about a relationship....well, first she is in no way desperate for sex, secondly, she probably is enjoying being able to sleep with whomever she wants to, whenever she wants to, and so you have to overcome those two (at least) obstacles....IMO, it's all about psychology, and basically tricking the other person (as underhanded as that sounds).

 

Personally, I do not indulge in any of the stuff I've talked about here...for the exact reason you state, sheena - because it is childish and stupid to try to manipulate people....however, if you want to be with someone these days, that IS the level you have to stoop to in order to be with them.

 

Megs, tell me, if this guy wasn't able to have sex with any girl he wanted, and he wasn't such a challenge to you, do you think you'd still want him the same way you do? Probably not, I'm guessing....but by all means, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Personally, ladies take note, I'm looking for a girl who defies all this BS, but it IS how people work, and so that's why I have answered the way I did in previous posts. But, I agree with you, wholeheartedly, sheena, that your way IS the better way, but I fear it is not the way which megs will be able to get the guy to go through the thought process in order to make the decision she wants him to make. Just as women want the best, men also are looking for something of a challenge - when they find it, guess what's on their minds...

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Posted

Hi guys, the ironic thing is that the guy in question is on msn right now - i'm on invisible but I don't want the first time I talk to him after he didn't return my call to be on msn.

So Im going to wait to call him - prob weds night.

I can't believe how stressed out I've got over it!

 

I would love to be upfront and tell him I made a mistake Ssheesh but it's the fear that this is not the best way as Laguy10 says.

 

Im going to suss him out on the phone. He is a guy who is picky and seems to not be interested in girls who go after him which is holding me back.

 

But Im thinking that maybe the honest approach might be ok in this case cause he is very very easy to talk to, laid back and has always said that when the right girl comes along she will recognize it in him - so he's not bothered about being single. Also the fact that he was crazy about me only a couple of months ago.

 

But my woman's intuition is telling me that he's moved on from me. I told him I wasn't interested afterall - but still him not returning my calls in the last 2 weeks shows a definite shift.

 

If I realised my feelings a month ago I would just come straight out and tell him cause I could sense he still had feelings but somethings changed.

 

Actually it's very late here and he is on msn still which has never been the case as long as I've known him.

If there is someone else he is interested in (I know thats jumping to conclusions- just a feeling i've got) does that change how I should approach it?

 

megs

  • Author
Posted

Also, I forgot to say, he's def not like this laguy10:

 

"that's why this guy is getting laid so often, because other women are convinced other women are sleeping with him".

 

He has only ever been in 2 relationships. Once for 4 years and once recently but she had alot of problems and ended up looking after her 2 kids for 1 month and he's only 25!. Im 29 btw. He met both in a similar situation to me (in a nice old-fashioned way - we talked for 2 hours;) and says he would never pick up in a club cause it's cheap and you can't get to know someone properly.

 

Just wanted to make sure we are all on the same page.

 

I'm going to ring him weds night and see how things go then.

If it comes to the crunch and he prompts me to talk - what would you advise me to say on the phone laguy10?

 

I could find out first if he is seeing someone but then if I don't say anything he will never know how I feel.

Posted

I still think if you tell him what and how you are feeling then you get that out and leave the response up to him. It might be that you will feel better because you tell him, hey, I realize now that I am interested in seeing where things could go with us and I'd like to go out with just you, etc.. It could be that he wants that with you as well but might be a little gun shy after the last relationships. If you never tell him how you feel you will never know what might have happened and how he feels and ultimately, that's what you want to know, right? It's really, really hard to be that open and honest but if it's what you want you can do it. Why are you going to wait until Wednesday to call him?

Anyway, best of luck. Roll it all around in your head and decide what is best for you.

  • Author
Posted

Laguy10 - I know u think being straight-up on the phone is not the way to go but what do u reckon about this....

 

I know guys love a mental challenge....and thats one of the things I think that set me apart to him cause I was a BIG one and not on purpose either.

 

How about I suss him out first asking him if when he says, "I want you" when we are having phone sex if he still means it the way he did before....(my mind and body).

 

If he says yes then I could do a third person play where I tell him there were a couple of guys who asked about me on the wkd but I wasn't interested....cause the thing is I really like a guy alot but he doesn't know and thinks I only think of him as a friend. ;)

When he asks something about him I can say....well we met in a furniture store....etc etc.

 

or could that just be embarrassing....hehe

 

If he does say yes to the first question then I could just say I feel the same way....that would be easier.

 

And if he says "you have conditioned me to think of you as a friend" which is likely.....well i guess i could say, "I've heard it's possible to be re-conditioned";)

 

So start off playful and see how he reponds.

 

And if he's met someone else - thats a big one - to say something or not?

  • Author
Posted

Thanks too ssheena.

 

I just had a flash....

 

how about, "would you still be interested in what it would be like if we got together".....i thought that sounds kinda sexy.

 

Im wary from what I've read about attraction that if you go on about "i made a mistake....i really do want you" that the other person becomes resistant and it's a turn-off. A least until there intentions are clear.

  • Author
Posted

Laguy10: "Megs, tell me, if this guy wasn't able to have sex with any girl he wanted, and he wasn't such a challenge to you, do you think you'd still want him the same way you do? Probably not, I'm guessing....but by all means, correct me if I'm wrong."

 

I'm not sure he can get anyone he wants - I know he's a bit cocky and has said it in a funny way to get a rise out of me. Plus I wouldn't want to spend the energy on someone who is like that and just a challenge at the moment.

 

I like him because I've got to know him and really appreciate him for who he is, he's different from any other guy I've met - plus the fact I've moved on from the relationship which originally stopped me so there's nothing stopping me from being in relationship now.

Posted

Sorry Megs, have not been able to be involved as before, some large stuff going on. Ok, if you want me to answer something specific, post it again...looking through your posts, I'm unsure what you want me to answer.

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Posted

Hi Laguy10 - hope things are going ok with you.

 

Basically, Im wondering whats the best way to say im interested?

I know the reservations he would have - mainly being the fact my mind has changed and as he said that I have conditioned him to think of me as a friend.

 

Do you still think I should wait til I see him rather than bring it up on the phone (which I don't know when that would be) the cons being he could meet someone in the meantime plus the sooner the better with this sorta thing?

 

Or I could wait if it would be absolutely important that it's not said over the phone.

 

The thing is, if I do ask him about going out, I think he'll sense somethings up (he can read me like a book) so whether it's best to keep a lid on it til we are together, or to hell with it and bring it up on the phone?

 

getting there now..hehe

megs

Posted
Hi Laguy10 - hope things are going ok with you.

 

Basically, Im wondering whats the best way to say im interested?

I know the reservations he would have - mainly being the fact my mind has changed and as he said that I have conditioned him to think of me as a friend.

 

Do you still think I should wait til I see him rather than bring it up on the phone (which I don't know when that would be) the cons being he could meet someone in the meantime plus the sooner the better with this sorta thing?

 

Or I could wait if it would be absolutely important that it's not said over the phone.

 

The thing is, if I do ask him about going out, I think he'll sense somethings up (he can read me like a book) so whether it's best to keep a lid on it til we are together, or to hell with it and bring it up on the phone?

 

getting there now..hehe

megs

 

Things are ok, thanks.

 

I think you are going to have to decide for yourself how much you want this guy, and why...things are not working out the way you had hoped, and you have to prepare yourself for the fact that maybe this is not the best time to even bring it up (if he's starting to see someone else).

 

The only advice I can really give you at the moment, is probably common sense, but a lot of people make the mistake. When someone pulls away from you, it is best to not chase them (I don't know if this situation could be described as that, but him not calling after the whole problem with him coming over might suggest it). When someone pulls away, they need time to think, or they want to do something else. If you chase them when they do this, you will either annoy them because they want to be alone to think, or you will make yourself appear desperate, and their valuation of you will go down dramatically (she's so desperate, she's chasing me kind of mentality).

 

That being said, if he is interested, and you're just reading this wrong, you also don't want to totally stop showing interest. This whole thing is not as easy as before (inviting him over, flirting to get him to think about you, etc.) There are definitely other factors involved it would seem, and so you need to take everything in a culimation, into account.

 

My best advice to you, is to get clear on why you want this guy. Sit down with a piece of paper, and write down all the reasons you want to try it out with him. Once you're done, decide if they are healthy. If they are, then, write down all the circumstances which currently exist in this situation (ie: he did not call you back, you changed your mind on him, he says you've conditioned him to view you as a friend, etc, etc). Once you've done this, use your intelligence to try to "connect the dots" to see what might be going on....I think that if you will try to be more systematic about all of this, it will make more sense.....right now, it's all jumbled.

 

Lastly, I would say that probably honesty IS the best way to go now. It's been a while since you changed your mind - if he can read you, he has probably ALREADY noticed a change in your behavior. After you decide if you're pursuing him for healthy reasons (ie: not because you're just lonely), and after you have a working strategy that incorporates all of the cirumstances (a hypothesis, if you will), then sit down and figure out the best way to tell him the truth, taking all that data into consideration.

 

I was not aware you were 29 and he 25 before.....I was thinking that you were both HS age, so rules change when you become adults. He should be mature enough to deal with the truth, and you should be too. Try to approach this whole thing with the viewpoint that you want to date him - will give him a way to feel he's not committing to you too quickly - he will probably be more apt to giving you a "2nd shot" if he knows he's not going to be solely committed....then, just see how that works out, if it's good, make it more serious.

 

Good luck.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

Hi laguy10,

 

I hope you well.

 

Its been awhile since I spoke to him and he rang me out of the blue late last night which was a surprise. He was very sweet and we caught up. He asked me if I had met any other guys and once again brought up how he thinks it's funny why I would get jealous if we went out and he tryed picking up other girls. He's said it too often now for him not to be fishing for an answer so I said that when we met and I couldnt go out with him but I wish I had gone with my gut feelings rather than think so much. He tried to argue that might be because you always want what you can't have but I said it wasn't and was totally about me not following my gut feelings about him. He agreed and asked if I had talked to friends about it. I said yes and he was surprised I hadn't talked to him about it sooner. I said that was because he made it clear that I had conditioned him to think of me as a friend.

He said, (now this is interesting) that it's not that reason because he is very attracted to me aswell as liking me as a friend but he thinks he wouldn't be a good boyfriend to me now. He says he gets bored easy in relationship and is demanding of alot of sex and stuff and would be worried he wouldn't be a good boyfriend to me. I was shocked cause he brought up the word boyfriend straight away.

I said ok and let it be and acted cool cause I know convincing a guy looks needy and would backfire.

 

The conversation turned sexual and and yes we had phone sex again. He thinks I'm quite innocent and likes to ask me about things I would like to do and it turns him on.

 

He was saying I should of rang him when I was in his area one night with friends to have dinner and he always asks whether my male best friend would like him. God he sends mixed signals!

Im a bit confused what to do.

Are this guys actions more obvious to other people than me?

 

When we talked I didn't bring out the big guns about how I feel cause it didn't feel like the right time as we hadn't talked for awhile. But he would know from what I said I would be interested in more now.

Is the not being a good bf a cop-out or is it possible cause he knows me he would think of me as more serious gf material than just someone to muck-around with (I kinda got this impression)?

 

Do you think I should wait and not say anything and try and organise to hang out and try and draw him in.

If I express my feelings I think i'll get the "worried about not being a good bf answer."

 

What do you reckon is going on? I think he's getting an ego kick out of the fact I think I made a mistake.

What do you think is the best thing to do?

Do you think I probably have to make him feel a bit jealous like he could lose my attention? Goddamn game playing...

Posted

I thought he was saying (when he said he wouldn't make a good bf) is

 

A.) I think he's worried he won't be able to provide you with all the things he thinks you want/need from a relationship. Or he's not sure what you're looking for, and so doesn't know if he'd be able to meet that.

 

B.) He was giving you a heads up on things he finds incredibly important in a relationship and allowing you to make the decision on whether you are able/willing to give him that.

 

C.) sounds a little worried that you'll find out he's not "all that" and you'll push on to green pastures.

 

I don't think you need to make him jealous with other men. The best thing I've found is to just be confident and happy with your life. You don't have to flirt with other guys, or screw with this guys head, just don't wrap your whole life around this guy immediately. Show him you're a capable woman who isn't attaching herself to him out of loneliness or neediness. That's supposed to be the underlying point behind seeing other guys, but most people lose the meaning behind it, and it turns into "playing games".

 

So keep the meaning, and choose your actions to suit your moral/ethical beliefs. If you want to date others, do so. If you don't, then just continue living your life. If he wants to be apart of it.. great. If not, then his loss, right?

  • Author
Posted

thanks walk.

 

No I don't want to date other guys. I'm really interested in him and have beat myself up alot that I didn't go out with him seeing I met him when I just had a break-up and said I just wanted to be friends.

I guess it's starting to feel like a missed opportunity since he was very keen at the start but I told him otherwise -a very frustrating experience!

Posted

Megs - if you have decided you want a relationship with him and he doesn't because he has stated he gets bored easily in relationships and is demanding.. what the hell are you doing playing free phone sex with him for? Do you get anything out of the phone sex or is it just him getting off? He is so using you. He calls you up when he wants phone sex and that is it. Open your eyes.

  • Author
Posted

Yes I really enjoy the phone sex. We talk alot first and then it just happens. I don't feel that he's using me at all - actually I have normally rang him.

 

What Im trying to work out is if it's best, now that I know he is still attracted to me, to try and go out with him and flirt or say something on the phone about us seeing eachother.

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