He wanted me but I didnt want him...But I've changed my mind! Arghhh

[megs_star]

Hi everyone,

 

I would really appreciate some help on this one.

I met a guy and we had a great connection and we went out once but I couldnt be with him as I was getting over my Ex.

He was extremely persistant but I told him we could only be friends and he surprisingly agreed and we have remained close.

But our friendship has been not normal - as in we regularly have phone sex - about once a week. He has always pushed me to be more open but I made it hard for him.

 

Anyway it's 3 months since we met and he is starting to ask out other girls. I am jealous and have realised for awhile that I have missed out on a great guy and wish I didnt take so long getting over my Ex.

He has picked up on my jealousy when he talks about other girls and doesn't understand it since we are only supposed to be friends. He kinda gets a kick out of it at the same time. He also said to me in a kind but frustrated way, "But you have conditioned me to only think of you as a friend".

He is right unfortunately.

 

Now this weekend I have the house to myself and have asked him over. He said yes and we both flirted with the idea of sleeping together and told him that I did think about it. I always told him I was just interested in him physically so he thinks we are going to sleep together.

 

ARGGhhh....I don't know what to do.

I feel that I shouldn't sleep with him if we are not in a relationship cause then there would be no hope for one in the future?

Should I tell him before he comes over that it's not about sex but about spending time together? Or should I just leave it and be flirty and bring it up on the night that I am interested in more - that I would like us to see eachother properly. Or say something on the phone first?

 

Just Don't Know what to do :-(

Megs

[hindsfeet]

im in similar situation with girl i just started seeing. or i guess paused seeing. mine is the one with 'the notebook' reference in it. if you like him. straight up tell him how you feel and what you want. i know that if the girl i liked did that i would be all about it. if he is worth being with you, he will want the relationship not just the sex. if he just wants just the sex, thats in your court to decide what to do. i know you can use a condom to protect your body but what are you going to use to guard your heart?

[bab]

Tell him, "I know that in the beginning I told you that I only wanted a friendship with you. Over the past couple months I've really gotten to know you and what a catch you truely are. Because of this, I'd rather end our friends with benefits type relationship. If you are interested in starting a real bf/gf type relationship with me, that would be something I'd be interested in."

 

Then you've passed the ball back to him.

[laguy10]

I'm sure this will sound uncharacteristic for a guy to say, but this is my advice, nonetheless: if you sleep with him, that's about as far as it will ever go; you guys will probably be f*ck buddies and remain that way for the duration. If you're really into this guy, flirt with him, show interest, even do some foreplay if you want, but don't go all the way - make him chase you first, so that you are on his mind, and he is cornered with the decision of whether or not he wants you as much as you now want him. Guys can seperate love from sex much easier than women can, and you need to make sure he loves you before you give it up to him, if that's the kind of thing you're expecting from this. By making him wait, you're forcing him to confront this issue within himself, and make his decision, instead of letting him have sex with you, and then finding out later what his decision is.

[MadDog]

You should start by getting over your ex. Once that's accomplished, you can worry about what to do with this guy.

 

MD

[megs_star]

Laguy10 - Im wondering what you think of Babs comment?

I was thinking of doing both.

Start of flirting and being comfortable with him and then bring it up that now I've really got to know him would want us to see eachother and I don't think I can sleep with him outside a relationship cause it wouldn't then go any further.

Is this not a good way of going about it? I know you said I should make him chase me but I think he will only read that in a physical way and not a relationship way since I told him I couldnt be in a relationship.

 

Hope to hear back from you.

Thanks everyone - Im still worried about it

Megs

[laguy10]

Laguy10 - Im wondering what you think of Babs comment?

I was thinking of doing both.

Start of flirting and being comfortable with him and then bring it up that now I've really got to know him would want us to see eachother and I don't think I can sleep with him outside a relationship cause it wouldn't then go any further.

Is this not a good way of going about it? I know you said I should make him chase me but I think he will only read that in a physical way and not a relationship way since I told him I couldnt be in a relationship.

 

Hope to hear back from you.

Thanks everyone - Im still worried about it

Megs

 

I'm going to quote Bab's post below, just to keep myself straight here

 

Tell him, "I know that in the beginning I told you that I only wanted a friendship with you. Over the past couple months I've really gotten to know you and what a catch you truely are. Because of this, I'd rather end our friends with benefits type relationship. If you are interested in starting a real bf/gf type relationship with me, that would be something I'd be interested in."

 

Then you've passed the ball back to him.

 

This is the kind of thing a woman would say to another woman (if it weren't about having a relationship instead or a friends with benefits type of deal, unless you swing that way)...anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, in my opinion, if you are too open with him from the start, you will lose him. It's really hard to get a read on this situation, because I don't know him. I'm going to come from the standpoint that you trust this guy already, and so if you're honest with him, he won't try to take advantage of that. So, assuming that's true, you then have another problem, and that is why I recommend you are not just honest with him about this, right away.

 

Guys are much alike to women, in some ways. Women like to feel like the guy that's chasing them is not just an average guy - like there is something quality about him, because girls want quality....everybody does. For guys, in order to get them thinking in a romantic way about a girl, she must tease him a little - if she does not tease him (meaning she's too cold, or if she's too open), the guy won't "engage" so to speak.....he'll be on autopilot. For example, for me, if I'm with a girl, and I've gone on a few dates with her, and I know I'm attracted to her (don't know her enough to be interested in a long-term relationship yet), I'll start throwing out sexual "cues" - much like the phone sex stuff (although I would obviously not start out with that) - but you get my drift. Just because this guy wants to have phone sex with you, does not mean he's thinking about you the same way you're thinking about him.

 

So, assuming he's not thinking about you the same way you think about him....yet, it doesn't mean he's not interested. Wow, I should be charging for this stuff, I'm giving away all a guy's secrets here. What I mean, is that he has not yet been forced to really consider if he is willing to commit to a long-term relationship with you....meaning, he's not yet sure if your legs and ass are worth all that trouble (to put it bluntly). If you want him to go beyond thinking of you as a leggy blonde/brunette, to a girl who he's really into, you must tease him. When you tease a guy, you are making him think about the whole situation....why didn't she give it up? She's obviously interested, because she wasn't cold towards me.....Maybe she's waiting for me to commit....am I ready to commit to her in that sort of way? Etc. Guys do not think on the spot (most anyways); so, if you ask him point-blank the question that Babs has suggested, I think you won't accomplish your purpose here. I would just be flirty, friendly, and a little too sexual (but not much)....when he finially asks you, "hey, what's up with you tonight?" or something similar, that is your cue that he's thought about everything already himself, and NOW he's ready for you to be serious with him, because he has already had a chance to mull over some of it in his mind as it is. It's possible he won't even ask you this question that same night....if that's the case, you must wait on him....you must let him stew in his own thoughts for a while, and not chase him in the meantime. If he's into you, you will not lose him; if he's not, then you'll have your answer. That's what I would suggest.

 

P.S. I just want to clarify; by not chasing, I'm saying don't call him all the time and think of excuses, just to talk to him, in order to see if he's made up his mind yet. What I mean is just act as you usually would, but again, a little too sexual at times (like you're dropping hints, but not specifically saying anything overt yet).

 

I also have to add, that if he's not very intuitive, you might have to do more than just this....I can only speak from my own experience, and what works on me. Maybe some other guys will post and either confirm or deny my theory, and you will have more to go on.

 

Another thing I have to clarify is that these rules may be changed a little bit, because you guys had already discussed a relationship previously....I'm coming from the standpoint that he's already chosen to move on (as far as anything long-term is concerned; of course sex would still be an option with you) -- I'm giving you a way to get him to reconsider that decision...if that makes sense. I'm kind of giving you a lot of info, hoping that whatever you come up against, something I've said will ring a bell, and you'll know where you stand, because I can't possibly know what this guy is thinking. It's very possible he IS still into you....if that's the case, he probably will get very serious with you right away, because he is ALREADY thinking of you in the same way you're thinking of him now....if he does, then go ahead and have that conversation right away....if he doesn't, wait on it.

[laguy10]

By the way, one more post until I have 69....shouldn't there be some kind of a celebration for that!? Maybe I can find a girl who has 96 posts on here and freak with her or something

[megs_star]

Haha Laguy10 - well i for one applaud you on your efforts:-)

You should start a column!

 

I will talk with him on thursday - probably on msn when he's at work.

I am wondering if I should say something like, "I got a bit carried away with having the house to myself and we could go out instead - I want you to know it's not about sex".

 

Cause when we last talked and I said I had the house to myself he very coyly said, "If you want me to come over and we'll have sex then you should just tell me".

 

He already knows I have always been interested in him physically but I was too emotionally caught up with my Ex months ago to think about him in terms of a relationship - plus he was very forward and did scare me off a bit initially as he was very serious about me.

 

So to cut to the chase - Im thinking I should bring up earlier that inviting him over is not about sex cause I don't want to lead him on and make him think I only want one thing from him.

He is used to that with girls and I don't want him to think im like that - cause I'm not.

 

Many Many Thanks Again!!

Megs

[megs_star]

Laguy10 - where you have said:

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

What I mean, is that he has not yet been forced to really consider if he is willing to commit to a long-term relationship with you....meaning, he's not yet sure if your legs and ass are worth all that trouble (to put it bluntly).

If you want him to go beyond thinking of you as a leggy blonde/brunette, to a girl who he's really into, you must tease him.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Im not sure if this counts in my case cause he was willing to have a relationship with me and I put a stop to it. He has recently jokingly said that, "It's funny you dont want me but you don't want anyone else to have me"

And I unfortunately have given him reason to think that way.

 

So Im not sure if I still need to tease alot or be more honest?

 

Thanks again for your advice:)

Megs

[nicki]

Wow, GREAT advice from the guys! I'm going to file all of that away in my head.

 

I was in this same situation. What I did was pretty close to the advice you have already received.

 

I flirted, dropped sexual hints. Basically, I let him know I was very HOT for him. But, I didn't give it up. He was also dating other women.

 

I told him I really wanted to "be" with him, but that I only slept with guys I was in a relationship with...and i let him know how hard it was to for me to not rip his clothes off because I wanted him so badly.

 

Then I let him know other men were asking me out, but that I preferred him.

 

He dropped the other women and started seeing only me. We did have the most amazing first intimate encounter shortly after....looking back, I was using my sexual charms to entice him.

 

But, I really did want him in a physical way, and I also knew that I wanted to do it in a context of a relationship. So I was true to myself, too.

 

I would never have slept with him while he was dating other women. He knew what he had to do to be with me.

 

So, just ask yourself what you want. Be sure to set things up to support that.

[laguy10]

Laguy10 - where you have said:

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

What I mean, is that he has not yet been forced to really consider if he is willing to commit to a long-term relationship with you....meaning, he's not yet sure if your legs and ass are worth all that trouble (to put it bluntly).

If you want him to go beyond thinking of you as a leggy blonde/brunette, to a girl who he's really into, you must tease him.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Im not sure if this counts in my case cause he was willing to have a relationship with me and I put a stop to it. He has recently jokingly said that, "It's funny you dont want me but you don't want anyone else to have me"

And I unfortunately have given him reason to think that way.

 

So Im not sure if I still need to tease alot or be more honest?

 

Thanks again for your advice:)

Megs

 

Umm I can't pin it down anymore than I already have, because he could be saying this sarcastically, he could be saying it seriously, he could be saying it out of some frustration, etc... Just try to get a read on him (tonight?) and follow what seems the best thing to do.

[laguy10]

Haha Laguy10 - well i for one applaud you on your efforts:-)

You should start a column!

 

yeah, but if I did that, I would not be as accessible to my public

[DanielMadr]

I am jealous and have realised for awhile that I have missed out on a great guy and wish I didnt take so long getting over my Ex.

 

That is why you want him. You want him to be your puppy, your admirer. When he start to connect with you again....your "love" will be gone again.

 

"lets just be a friends" is the best time to leave.

 

Getting over with your Ex....is only a excuse. If there was attraction, you would forget pretty quickly.

 

You are playing with him. Give him a break...its waste of time.

[megs_star]

yeah, but if I did that, I would not be as accessible to my public

 

Haha - thats so altruistic of you!

Much Apreciated advice.

 

One last thing, do you think I that I should message him or speak to him today and let him know that I've changed my mind about us sleeping together.

As it stands he will be assuming that I want to be with him for the first-time and I now realise this is a big mistake.

 

I could say, "I got a bit carried away the other night with having the house to myself. I've been thinking, and I would want you to come over to enjoy eachothers company- but not just for something to happen."

I could also say, "I don’t want you to get the wrong idea and think I only think of you in a physical way".

 

I will probably be able to speak to him briefly on msn - how do you think is the best way to say it?

 

Thanks Laguy10, no more questions after this and I'll let you know how it goes *fingers crossed*.

[SmoochieFace]

That is why you want him. You want him to be your puppy, your admirer. When he start to connect with you again....your "love" will be gone again.

 

"lets just be a friends" is the best time to leave.

 

Getting over with your Ex....is only a excuse. If there was attraction, you would forget pretty quickly.

 

You are playing with him. Give him a break...its waste of time.

 

DM is right.

 

The 'let's be friends' line is universal for 'I don't want you in THAT way and you will never have me in THAT way so quit wasting your time with me'.

 

Let him go so he can find a woman who is REALLY into him without all the puppy-dog infatuation bullzhyt.

[laguy10]

Haha - thats so altruistic of you!

Much Apreciated advice.

 

One last thing, do you think I that I should message him or speak to him today and let him know that I've changed my mind about us sleeping together.

As it stands he will be assuming that I want to be with him for the first-time and I now realise this is a big mistake.

 

I could say, "I got a bit carried away the other night with having the house to myself. I've been thinking, and I would want you to come over to enjoy eachothers company- but not just for something to happen."

I could also say, "I don’t want you to get the wrong idea and think I only think of you in a physical way".

 

I will probably be able to speak to him briefly on msn - how do you think is the best way to say it?

 

Thanks Laguy10, no more questions after this and I'll let you know how it goes *fingers crossed*.

 

My advice, wait, should I come up with a nickname for myself....something cool so if I do decide to start a column, I'll be able to transfer my popularity over to there? Oh, anyway, I digress....My advice would be to not tell him anything....you're trying to get him to think about stuff.....that's your whole motivation here. If he goes there expecting you to be on his nutts, and you just tease him, but don't go there completely, well you won't have to work as hard to get him to start thinking about stuff.

 

I don't just want details, I want pics too.... J/K

[megs_star]

My advice, wait, should I come up with a nickname for myself....something cool so if I do decide to start a column, I'll be able to transfer my popularity over to there? Oh, anyway, I digress....My advice would be to not tell him anything....you're trying to get him to think about stuff.....that's your whole motivation here. If he goes there expecting you to be on his nutts, and you just tease him, but don't go there completely, well you won't have to work as hard to get him to start thinking about stuff.

 

I don't just want details, I want pics too.... J/K

 

Really - Gosh. I think I would feel too pressured if I didn't at least say something. I would feel guilty and a bit silly. Cause I think he will say something like - I knew it was too good to be true (in a nice way). I want him to have respect for me and a relationship.

 

I think that if I don't say something he will think about stuff but maybe not in the right way - only a physical way.

 

But maybe your right - Now Im a bit confused cause I wanted to tell him before he comes over that I didn't want him to think I was booty call girl or something like that. (which he prob doesn't think but still - do you know what I mean?)

 

Do you see what I mean about feeling silly and guilty if I dont back-track a bit before he comes over?

 

Im all arghhhh again!....hehe

 

Let me know if I'm being silly - your advice has been great laguy10!

[Guest999]

Laguy10 - Im wondering what you think of Babs comment?

I was thinking of doing both.

Start of flirting and being comfortable with him and then bring it up that now I've really got to know him would want us to see eachother and I don't think I can sleep with him outside a relationship cause it wouldn't then go any further.

Is this not a good way of going about it? I know you said I should make him chase me but I think he will only read that in a physical way and not a relationship way since I told him I couldnt be in a relationship.

 

Hope to hear back from you.

Thanks everyone - Im still worried about it

Megs

 

Let me give you a male's standpoint on the situation, having been in a similar situation myself.

 

A year ago i met this girl, things were great and i knew she wanted me physically as she kept complimenting me on my looks and body. But the majority of our relationship was FWB, the couple aspect.

 

Anyway I still hadnt the slightest clue what she really wanted in the end.

She said she just wanted to be friends, she likes being with me, She doesnt want to be in a relationship at this point in her life. I dont know if she was still getting over her 4 year bf from her teenage years or if she was looking for someone to support her (golddigger). she is a golddigger, i know her well enough to know that she is.

 

One drunken night around 2 am she called me to come over, i declined. I knew she wanted me. then a few days later she got her hair fixed up and bought some groceries and invited me to come over, i did. We had a couple beers and a great dinner. We started making out and one thing lead to another and we had sex. I know i pressured her a little bit, and she gave in.

The dumb thing was she was telling me this is the first time she did it with a friend, so odds are she never did it out of a relationship or wanted to make me think she wasnt easy/a slut.

 

There were a few times thereafter i wanted to drop by her place again, but she took every precaution possible to keep me from coming over. By all means i werent in it just for sex, but what good is being FWB or a relationship w/o the sex?

 

From the beginning till the end i wanted a relationship with her, i even made it clear to her. But i knew she wanted to keep her options open as we agreed it was ok to see other people. she wanted to keep the potential of having a relationship with me in the backburner while witholding sex, and keeping her options open...thats what you call selfish.

 

Shortly several months thereafter she got in touch with me again all dressed up. I kind of knew what her agenda was, but i kept it simple as friends should be , no touching, no kissing, no holding hands. We met a few times thereafter and i treat her as a guy that's moved on. Ironically she's been cold to me lately when i try to contact her.

 

thats my story, good luck.

[megs_star]

Laguy10....I just realised how your way may work better cause when it does get to that point and I say I've just realised we shouldnt sleep together if we are not in a relationship....then he will ask questions...then i can say i wouldnt want to jeopardise the chance of having more -and it will be at a time when we are close etc.

 

Now if I was to say nothing is going to happen online and he is at work etc, well he would just think, 'well i knew that would be too good to be true' and he wouldnt think much else again.

 

Yeah I have just realised that - wow.

I can't believe how this is working out!

I asked him over for just mucking around originally (and thats what he thinks) before I realised I actually want to be in a relationship with him. But you may be right and I might be best to hold my tongue til we are together.

 

I thought I made a huge mistake asking him over for that reason but maybe not!

[laguy10]

Laguy10....I just realised how your way may work better cause when it does get to that point and I say I've just realised we shouldnt sleep together if we are not in a relationship....then he will ask questions...then i can say i wouldnt want to jeopardise the chance of having more -and it will be at a time when we are close etc.

 

Now if I was to say nothing is going to happen online and he is at work etc, well he would just think, 'well i knew that would be too good to be true' and he wouldnt think much else again.

 

Yeah I have just realised that - wow.

I can't believe how this is working out!

I asked him over for just mucking around originally (and thats what he thinks) before I realised I actually want to be in a relationship with him. But you may be right and I might be best to hold my tongue til we are together.

 

I thought I made a huge mistake asking him over for that reason but maybe not!

 

If you can learn to think quickly on your feet, you can turn mistakes into opportunities

[nicki]

Just make sure you look damn hot when he comes over! Let him drool all over you....he can't have you just yet, though....

 

I have to say that LA guy is right on the money.

 

Don't talk to him until HE brings it up. That way he is motivated to listen and act on what you say.

 

In my experience, most guys don't really listen until they see that you aren't talking.

 

Keep us posted!

[megs_star]

If you can learn to think quickly on your feet, you can turn mistakes into opportunities

 

I was feeling great about all this and now there is a chance that I won't have the house to myself....double Arghhhhh!

I haven't spoken to him yet cause I won't know til a few hours before he would be coming over.

 

If I don't have the house to myself, I can still ask him over and we could still have a nice time like we did once before.....but since I live a bit far away there is a chance that he may not I suppose. If he comes over great and I do everything as planned but if he changes his mind it will seem like we were only hooking up for the possibility of sex and I wouldn't have a chance to show him otherwise. Unless I went to his house but that is probably not a good idea. I guess i would just have to wait or talk on the phone - im not sure.

 

If I don't have the house to myself and that was the main reason I guess I should make out like it's not a big deal and he should still come over, cause if I was to complain too much about that situation has changing he will only think I wanted to see him for that reason.

 

I hope this doesn't happen but just incase, what do you think is the best way to go?

 

Thanks laguy10 for your help!

Megs

[laguy10]

I was feeling great about all this and now there is a chance that I won't have the house to myself....double Arghhhhh!

I haven't spoken to him yet cause I won't know til a few hours before he would be coming over.

 

If I don't have the house to myself, I can still ask him over and we could still have a nice time like we did once before.....but since I live a bit far away there is a chance that he may not I suppose. If he comes over great and I do everything as planned but if he changes his mind it will seem like we were only hooking up for the possibility of sex and I wouldn't have a chance to show him otherwise. Unless I went to his house but that is probably not a good idea. I guess i would just have to wait or talk on the phone - im not sure.

 

If I don't have the house to myself and that was the main reason I guess I should make out like it's not a big deal and he should still come over, cause if I was to complain too much about that situation has changing he will only think I wanted to see him for that reason.

 

I hope this doesn't happen but just incase, what do you think is the best way to go?

 

Thanks laguy10 for your help!

Megs

 

Man, this is getting complicated.....my advice, just let him bone you, get sex outta the way, and then you can move on j/k

 

It would look suspicious if you tried to change the location or to not have him come over, now that your house will suddenly have guests in it....depending on who the guests are, make it a 3some, 4some?

 

Anyways, just chill with him a bit; use that noggin that God (or primordial soup if you prefer) gave to you....you can do it! (and 21st Century can help.....oh, sorry, wrong context)

[megs_star]

Haha, using my noggin too much is the problem now I think!

 

Even if my parents stay home, I will still say to come over, we could have dinner out and we can still have privacy.

 

He could change his mind seeing I did make a big deal of my parents going away being a once in a lifetime opportunity...hehe....oh dear.

 

If he decides not to come over, what would be the best course of action?

 

Not long now laguy10

Thanks again

megs