Boyfriend's ex girlfriend doesn't like me

[Hazel Faerie]

Please help, am I wrong for feeling this way?

 

Not sure what to do anymore. I have been with this guy for off and on for 3 years. We got back together and it's been a year and a half.

 

My problem is how do I get past my boyfriend being friend's with his ex girlfriend if she is not comfortable around me. The last gathering I went to she avoided me. He told me she is might be a little insecure or is still embarrassed about me knowing how she tried to win him back.

 

This whole thing started when his ex broke up with him, then realized she made a big mistake and wanted him back. She was really hurt after seeing us together and seeing how happy he was.

 

Ever since then, this has been an issue. We could have the most amazing month and then she comes up and we fight. It's so hard for me because I feel if there is going to be a relationship with an ex, I don't think it's healthy to only be friends with him and not both of us.

 

I am not doing well and I want to resolve this. Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I don't even know how I can be friends with this person when there is so much tension. I feel that our relationship is going to end if I don't come to an agreement about this.

[JaneInVegas]

Of course you're not wrong to feel the way you do. It is a very rare thing for someone to get along with their SO's ex.

 

Does he go out of his way to be friends with her? Or is it more of a 'passive' type friendship where he only talks to her when they bump into each other at mutual friends's house? If they can't avoid seeing each other from time to time, I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's usually not wise to insist that someone drop their group of friends just for the sake of avoiding one person.

 

If he's more active of a friend than that, you do indeed need to let him know that the friction between the two of you is putting a strain on your relationship with him, and he needs to let her go. (My own ex-boyfriend *became* my ex because of a similar scenario) I have a hard time understanding why people in relationships feel they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, at the discomfort of the person they allegedly love.

 

Good luck, I hope he truly hears your message with his heart.

[HennyPenny]

I would feel uncomfortable if my boyfriend was still friends with a woman who is resentful of his relationship and was (at some point) actively trying to win him back. You may be secure enough in your relationship, but you have to imagine what's going through her head. As a woman myself, I could never hang out with a couple if the man was someone I had a relationship with and still have feelings for - unless I was waiting in the wings for a second chance or (and I wouldn't do this personally) plotting to somehow get him back.

 

If I were in your shoes I would be expressing some dissent over this friendship.

[Hazel Faerie]

JaneinVegas,

 

He hangs out with her every Wednesday at these weekly dinner parties. It's been going on for many years and she is involved. Each take turns. His best friend and wife, his ex girlfriend and my boyfriend. I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing since I couldn't attend because she was there.

 

So aside from seeing his ex once a week where there are just a hand full of people he also wants me out with the whole group. Just recently I agreed to go to this BBQ and she ignored me, said hi to everyone and walked past me. Then he made excuses for her. That she was a little insecure about me or maybe she was embarrassed. He then said that I was being a little too judgemental and being hard on her.

 

There has to be a way to compromise and work this out. I know I can't tell him to remove her from the group and tell him not to speak to her but I feel once a week is enough but now he wants me out with him at an event she is hosting.

 

I told him "no" I am not going and would hope that if she was rude to me at the BBQ that he would not go as well. Now we are fighting and feel our relationship is going to end very soon if this issue is not resolved this time.

[Mythical]

I would feel uncomfortable if my boyfriend was still friends with a woman who is resentful of his relationship and was (at some point) actively trying to win him back. You may be secure enough in your relationship, but you have to imagine what's going through her head. As a woman myself, I could never hang out with a couple if the man was someone I had a relationship with and still have feelings for - unless I was waiting in the wings for a second chance or (and I wouldn't do this personally) plotting to somehow get him back.

 

If I were in your shoes I would be expressing some dissent over this friendship.

 

I defiently agree, you must be very strong to put up with it for this long. I personally don't think I would want that .Peroid. Tehy hade a relationship and she still wants him back. and she would probabaly do anything to get that. Does he understand how he would feel if it was the opposite way?

[Hazel Faerie]

Mythical,

 

Sorry I didn't mentioned that she started seeing someone. She has a new guy in her life so my boyfriend thinks all this should be ignored. I am not that strong, I've been so torn by this. Wednesday's are not fun but I thought it's once a week and why ruin what we have over a few hours on a Wednesday that he enjoys.

 

So yeah, all should be forgiven and forgotten that she has a new guy in her life. For me is different....if there is so much tension, how do you get past this?

[YellowLioness]

Here is my opinion- you can take it, or leave it.

 

I feel that your boyfriend must be immature to need two females in constant conflict over his attention. I think that is your bigger issue.

[Hazel Faerie]

YellowLioness,

 

This ex of his has been in his circle of friends for a while and is practically family. I know for a fact he can’t cut ties, although I wish she was out of our lives. I would make things so much easier with us. Having is an ex is extremely complicated and I know I can take it or leave it. I don't want to leave him but try to find some kind of compromise.

 

I asked some people about this and for many it's not all black or white. Many people hang out with their exes and get along. If anyone has done this....how do you do it? How do you get past knowing that person had sex with your boyfriend or what happens if the two don't get along?

[norajane]

Here is my opinion- you can take it, or leave it.

 

I feel that your boyfriend must be immature to need two females in constant conflict over his attention. I think that is your bigger issue.

 

I agree with YellowLioness. Your boyfriend is being an ass by not being sensitive to your feelings - YOU are his gf, and he should want to make sure you are comfortable. If he wants you to accommodate his ex, then he is putting her feelings above yours. And finally, he is putting HIS immature need to have two women fighting over him above both your feelings.

 

Inviting you to an event she is hosting is ridiculous - SHE invites her guests, not him. Unless she invited you, I don't see why you would feel welcome going.

 

The Wednesday dinners...why isn't he inviting you to attend those? Shouldn't his gf be going to dinner with his best friend and his best friend's wife? It's so cozy - two couples taking turns at dinner. But you and bf are the couple now, not he and his ex. Does his ex invite her new bf to dinners?

 

I'd have it out with him. And if he feels the need to defend his ex's behavior at your expense, I'd dump him.

[Hazel Faerie]

Norajane,

 

His ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend his name is Steve and my boyfriend told me that Steve was really uncomfortable for the first 3 dinners and then got over it. He asked me why not try coming out since his ex has a new boyfriend. He is upset that i won't even try coming.

 

I'm not well. Reading everyone's comments is extremely hard. I guess I am living in denial. Maybe I just don't know how to accept this.

 

I guess it bothered me but then I was not as bad. I can see she doesn't have a nice personality and is not that attractive so I kind of felt I should be the bigger person and not let these dinner get to me. The reality is that I hate Wednesdays.......I hate it that I can't go to these dinners.

 

Sorry, I'm not sure if I am making any sense anymore. This is really hard.

[norajane]

This ex of his has been in his circle of friends for a while and is practically family.

 

If she's like family then she shouldn't have any trouble welcoming you into the family as well. She should be happy that a member of her "family" is happy with his new gf, and she shouldn't be giving you the cold shoulder, she shouldn't be excluding you from things, and she shouldn't be making you feel bad...neither should your bf.

 

It's possible to be friends with your bf's exes, but only if they are friendly and welcoming toward you. And only if your bf supports you.

[Hazel Faerie]

Norajane,

 

His ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend his name is Steve and my boyfriend told me that Steve was really uncomfortable for the first 3 dinners and then got over it. He asked me why not try coming out since his ex has a new boyfriend. He is upset that i won't even try coming.

 

I'm not well. Reading everyone's comments is extremely hard. I guess I am living in denial. Maybe I just don't know how to accept this.

 

I didn't bother me at first as I could see she doesn't have a nice personality and is not that attractive so I kind of felt I should be the bigger person and not let these dinner get to me. The reality is that I hate Wednesdays.......I hate it that I can't go to these dinners.

 

Sorry, I'm not sure if I am making any sense anymore. This is really hard.

[norajane]

Norajane,

 

His ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend his name is Steve and my boyfriend told me that Steve was really uncomfortable for the first 3 dinners and then got over it. He asked me why not try coming out since his ex has a new boyfriend. He is upset that i won't even try coming.

 

I'm not well. Reading everyone's comments is extremely hard. I guess I am living in denial. Maybe I just don't know how to accept this.

 

I guess it bothered me but then I was not as bad. I can see she doesn't have a nice personality and is not that attractive so I kind of felt I should be the bigger person and not let these dinner get to me. The reality is that I hate Wednesdays.......I hate it that I can't go to these dinners.

 

Sorry, I'm not sure if I am making any sense anymore. This is really hard.

 

You should start going to the dinners and become part of the family. Be a presence and get to know her. Let his friends get to know you. You'll feel more secure that way and will feel better than to sit at home alone stewing about what's happening at dinner.

 

Why can't you go to the dinners?

[crazy_grl]

He may be making excuses for his ex not because he likes having you two fight over him, but because he doesn't want to have the hassle of having to sort things out between you two. He doesn't want there to be drama, so he tries to say things that he thinks will make you like her, not realizing that defending her makes it seem like he's taking her 'side'.

 

Just something I thought I'd throw out there.

 

Also, have you tried being the one to talk to her first?

[D-Lish]

In my experience, I have found that many men often loathe confrontation of any sort. Your boyfriend probably just wants "everyone to get along" and not have to deal with any disruptions or dramas.

 

Unfortunately, if his ex was friendly to you, you would probably feel a whole lot better about hanging out with her. She is making things uncomfortable for you on purpose (we all know women like this), and your boyfriend is blind to her behaviour.

 

He makes excuses for her, because he just wants the problem to go away. If they were truly friends, he would confront her and demand that she make you feel welcome. I have done that with my "friends" if they didn't like who I was dating.

 

He's being a coward in this situation. You should come first.

 

I had a similar situation with an ex... but it was his friend's wives and girlfriends that had formed a close knit group long before I came along. Those girls were brutal to me- mean, rude, they ignored me, they made nasty comments... And of course my boyfriend ignored the situation and told me I was misreading things... I found that so frustrating!

 

It caused such a problem in our relationship that I refused to hang out with them, and we eventually grew apart.

 

I have also had a good experience with a boyfriend who was close friends with many of his exes who were still a part of his friend group. Those women were friendly and accepting and made me feel welcome~ so I had no issues being around them.... even went out with some of those girls with out the ex boyfriend on many occasions.

 

SO, it depends on the situation. If she is the one making things difficult, the onus lies on your boyfriend to make things right. Of course, if this is a relationship worth pursuing, and you want to remain with him...you could take the matter in your own hands and go to her and talk to her one on one yourself.

 

Sounds crazy- and not something you SHOULD HAVE TO DO.... However, it may break the ice if you kill her with kindess and seek her friendship.

It would make you appear the bigger person ~ if you sought a one on one conversation with her. It's not like the both of you aren't aware of the antagonistic situation between the two of you!! Maybe laying it out on the table in a non-confrontational way would make things a lot better.

 

If someone approached me kindly and sought out my friendship in a sincere manner, it would certainly soften me a lot! It's amazing what communication can do sometimes. No, you shouldn't have to be the one doing this, but if you're at your wits end... and you truly love this man and want to be with him...it's an option.

 

"Listen, he values your friendship, and I'd like it if we could make an effort to get to know one another...that would mean a lot to me..." Or something along those lines. Killing them with kindness can loosen up the most wretchid of bitches!"

 

Good luck, hope things work themselves out!

D

[Hazel Faerie]

Crazy Grl,

 

No I have not talked to her. Maybe said hi to each other a few times in the beginning. Aside from her wanting him back in the beginning, she asked him if she could sleep over his place. He told me everything she said.

 

Then my response was I am not comfortable with her around if she has feelings for you and wanted to sleep with you.

 

He went back and told her that I don't feel comfortable around exes and at the same time felt embarrassed that I knew that she was asking him to take her back. The main thing was how come he is so happy with me and not with her. I guess she was really hurt the way he was looking at me and how he interacted with me and was never like that with her.

 

Since then I have seen her out as my boyfriend is a dj at a club and she'll go but when I walk into the club and see her.....she changes her attitude and stops smiling and make as point to be on the other side of the club and avoids me.

 

He has talked to her and asked her to be nice. When my boyfriend and I talked recently he told me he is just terrified to bring this up with me and with her.....as it's such a sensitive issue and doesn't want any arguing.....he is at a loss what to do anymore.

 

I am not sure if I want to go right up to her and force my presence on her. Why does my boyfriend have to tell a grown woman to be nice? If there is tension and the friendship isn't genuine and only to appease him what is the point....

[Hazel Faerie]

Thanks to all the people that posted comments. They really help me. We talked about his ex girlfriend and the weekly dinners this past Sunday.

 

I asked two questions:

First: Do you think it helps a relationship when an ex girlfriend is tense and cold around the new girlfriend?

 

Second: How do you think having weekly dinners that involve your ex girlfriend and not me keep our relationship strong and healthy?

 

I said I didn’t deserve to be treated like this. I was not comfortable with an ex girlfriend acting tense and ignoring me. I deserve more respect than this. I also mentioned that the entire length of our relationship we have not had dinner with any body other than his parents and once with his best friend and wife. This is something we BOTH enjoy and why hasn’t he had other gatherings that don’t involve his ex?

 

He admitted that he has been a little selfish and doesn’t know how to let go. It would be like taking away a part of him. He also said, “NO it’s not helping our relationship”. He then agreed to go every other week and we can do dinners with my friends and his together on the week he isn’t going

 

The Problem:

Last night he was suppose to come over around 6:30pm for dinner so I made a point to be home right away, instead of doing errands. Anyway, he didn’t make it over until 8:00pm. He apologized and all that but I made a comment like: It would have been nice to let me know that you weren’t going to make it until 8:00pm so I could have done some errands and not eat an overcooked supper. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that because he got upset and said, “Great!!.......You take my Wednesday dinners away from me and now I have to be at your beck and call. I don’t know anymore. It seems like this is hopeless. All I keep thinking is….if someone really loved and cared, they wouldn’t have to make this such a huge sacrifice. And I hate the fact he said that I was taking his Wednesday dinners away, which I’m not and just because I asked what happened and I would have like to know that he was coming late, he freaks out!!! I don’t know what to do anymore.

[tikigods]

he isn't willing to let go of his ex, and now if going to start resenting you for even "taking away" the every week thing with her. I think its time for you to move on, and find someone that only has eyes for you

[Guest]

different people have different levels of jealousy / acceptance of their partners past loves. it's totally normal, but jealousy and "ignoring" are generally a sign of fear and insecurity, so maybe there is something you can do to lessen her insecurity. find out exactly what she's worried about and ease her mind. have you seen the "go ask your mother" site? it's a Q & A about sex and relationships - totally cool and a lot of my friends are in to it. she has a few questions about exes up there. it's totally not a replacelment for loveshack, just one persons opinion, but she's pretty good - i wish my mother were more like her. here's the link: https://askyourmother.wordpress.com ask her, see what she says.

[Hazel Faerie]

Tikigods,

 

It's hard to accept this….that he is starting to resent me and I have to move on. It’s so hard when this is pretty much the only issue and yes, I know it’s huge. I guess it would be easier to move on if I hated him or maybe if he cheated on me. I still want to give this “every other week dinner” thing a try. At least for a month and I am hoping he has a good time. He might even enjoy the dinners he has with me more than the ones with his ex.

 

Guest,

Thanks so much for the site. I just posted my situation. Looking forward to hearing what she saids. Yes jealousy is normal but after that many years? Why? I keep getting told by my boyfriend she is afraid she might put her foot in her mouth and is a little insecure or embarrassed about her trying to win him back in the past. She did try numerous things in the past. Like try to plan a get-a-way at the cottage with my boyfriend’s best friend & wife and asked him to come along. It turned out his friends couldn't go and she want to go alone with him. He told her that it is completely inappropriate to go to the cottage with his friends along with him and her together let alone just the two of them. The list go on and this is why I moved on last time. The last straw was when she planned a concert and I was not invited. Actually I was never invited to anything and he allowed this to happen. That is why I broke up with him a year and a half ago.

 

The difference today is that he never goes to any gatherings that involve his ex other than the dinner. That's the reason I still stay.

[crazy_grl]

The Problem:

Last night he was suppose to come over around 6:30pm for dinner so I made a point to be home right away, instead of doing errands. Anyway, he didn’t make it over until 8:00pm. He apologized and all that but I made a comment like: It would have been nice to let me know that you weren’t going to make it until 8:00pm so I could have done some errands and not eat an overcooked supper. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that because he got upset and said, “Great!!.......You take my Wednesday dinners away from me and now I have to be at your beck and call. I don’t know anymore. It seems like this is hopeless. All I keep thinking is….if someone really loved and cared, they wouldn’t have to make this such a huge sacrifice. And I hate the fact he said that I was taking his Wednesday dinners away, which I’m not and just because I asked what happened and I would have like to know that he was coming late, he freaks out!!! I don’t know what to do anymore.

 

To me, this would be a huge red flag. When someone blows up or gets defensive over something that shouldn't be a big deal when there's another woman/man involved, it makes them look guilty.

 

Whether he has anything to feel guilty about or not, he doesn't seem to be putting your relationship first. To me, that says he's either not that interested in the relationship or he's not mature enough to understand that your request was reasonable.

 

If you really want this relationship to work, about the only thing I can think of to do is to make as much effort as you can to be friends with his ex. Join them for dinner, be as friendly to her as possible, etc. He's clearly not willing to give up her friendship, and he's showing signs that he resents you for 'making' him stop spending time with her. It looks like you're either going to have to find a way to be ok with her being in the picture or move on.

[tikigods]

while he might not be cheating in the sense of sleeping with her, he is cheating on you emotionaly with her. He is chooseing her over you still even with the once a week thing. This is far more then just going out to dinner this is about him not being able to let go of his ex, to the point that he is now resenting you and blowing up at you for even suggesting that he doesn't see her each week.

[Hazel Faerie]

Tikigods, this makes so much sense. Every Wednesday is a huge struggle for me but I never understood why. I would always tell myself….I should see as a guys night out with his friends. I don’t want him to resent me and I naively hoped he would be happy to compromise going to his dinners every other week. Since he blew up at me, I’ve been so depressed. Your are right now he is resenting me and will give up everything we have just because he can’t let go.

 

Crazy Grl, we talked about me being around her again and he told me he asked her to be civil and show a little more respect by not to ignoring me. Is it just me but is this absurd to ask a grown woman to be civil and respectful especially if she is suppose to be a friend. Anyway, I told him I don’t want to pretend that everything is ok and be around someone that is only nice to me to appease him.

 

I’m sorry I guess I am just rambling. After reading all your comments, it’s looks like I’ve been in denial about this relationship.

[YellowLioness]

It totally sounds like he is not ready to let go of her, nor she of him. You are wise to step out of the mix and move on with your life.