no contact games

[perspektiv]

My gf and I chose to do NC for a week. The first day I had no intentions of trying to contact her. She sent me a nuetral message over instant messenger. It had nothing to do with the relationship. I didn't want to get into conversation but I did and emotions were shared a bit. It didnt get too far before I cut it off and told her we should both stop and do what we were doing.

 

After that I got a super short email from her and some comment on my myspace page. I didn't respond. Last night I was on instant messenger again and her away messages were clearly talking about me. I wanted to talk to her so bad.

 

I guess my question is, do these NC periods really change things for some people? I felt like it did for me by the first day. Even though it seems shes reaching out for me, I feel like if I wait the rest of the week that her freinds are going to console her out of thinking about me at all. Maybe thats just an irrational thought. I feel like if I don't succumb to her reaching out that she will get angered by it. Probably another irrational thought. I'm just trying to make it through like everyone else...

[Davis]

You're not suppose to tell her you're doing NC! That defeats the whole purpose. I don't know who broke up with who. I assume she broke up with you. NC!! Sign in as "invisible" on IM so she doesn't know you're there.

 

Yes, irrational thoughts. No, her friends are not going to hypnotise her into staying away from you. No, she is not going to get mad. Even if she does that may end up stirring up her emotions about you. If she cares and you do NC, she may come back.

 

One day of NC and you felt better?? Come on. I've been NC for 4 weeks and I'm still emotional about the whole situation. Yes, it does help. Do NC. Give it some real time. Let both of you clear your emotions and your thinking. Good luck. Hang in there.

[Anastasia0309]

Just hang in there. I am now in the 3 week of no contact. I almost feel like a different person then I was 3 weeks ago. I was insecure and just overtaken by the irrational thinking. We all do it. When you think the absolute worst of the whole situation...... And it drives you crazy. But now I'm thinking more about what makes me happy and I'm setting personal goals for myself.You need to focus on yourself. I know, it's Way harder to do then say. Believe me I know but your time of realization will come. I still miss him but I'm starting to realize so much about who I am and who he is. Just give it some time. Sometimes you just need the chance to step away for the relationship to see it for what it really is...... In order to heal and learn from your mistakes. NOTHING will change from just 1 week or 1 month apart. You would just go back to eachother just because it's to hard to be without eachother and the same old problems will surely start to happen. Just give it some time. It there is truely LOVE there then maybe all you both need is time. Believe me..... Only good will come from this. Keep your head up!!!!!

[perspektiv]

Thanks guys.

 

We technically didn't break up yet. We did initially but then we decided not to talk in any way shape or form for a week. She keeps breaking NC and she was more or less initiating a break up more than I was. On top of all that I said in my first post, I didn't even notice she had sent me a text msg while I was sleeping last night. She said she couldn't take it and she had to talk to me. I'm kinda glad I was sleeping or I probably would have caved in. I haven't heard from her the rest of the day. Maybe a week sounds to be a short time, but I feel that it will have some positive impact. Who knows.

[Davis]

Ok. So you're not "officially" broken up. But the signs are there; from her. Hence the term "how to stop your breakup". In a way, you are in a good spot IF you handle it correctly. So, you, potentially as the dumpee, must completely do NC if there is any hope. If you have heard of the terms "push" and "pull" that may be what is going on. You pull away (NC) and she runs to you. Then you push and she runs away. You need to not respond to her .... at least not immediately.

 

Also, she may not want to give you up or at least isn't ready. That's not a good situation for you. She may be attached, feeling lonely, miss the good times, miss the potential between the two of you, trying to prepare herself to leave, she may love you, be feeling guilty or a whole list of items. The point is, if you want any hope in working it out, you must do NC. Remember, people want what they can't have. Time and space may make her decide she does like you. If you do talk, keep it brief, be happy and do not discuss your relationship.

 

I've been through lots of breakups. You're in the breakup "zone" and I'm telling you keep your distance, do NC and let her come to you. Let her be the one to tell you in a few weeks that she wants to work it out.

[SmoochieFace]

Man, I do not have time for this 'experimental' NC rubbish. Break up for a week and all... is this high school or what?!

 

If a girl breaks up with me then that's it. It's over. No 'games', no contact, no making up, no BS. Just nothing.

[Davis]

Smoochie: if you have it all figured out, then why are you even on the forums? It's not experimental and it's not high school, it's called psychology. Do you even know what NC is all about? That's cool you can just walk away from any girl. Maybe you haven't met the right one. Maybe you haven't fallen in love. Guess you never wanted one back. Man you're lucky.

 

For many people on here they believe they found the love of their life and they want them back. Most of us make the dumb mistake of chasing them, telling them we love them, sending flowers, begging etc. That doens't work and pushes them further away. So, for people that want any possibility of working it out with their ex, NC is the only way to go ... whether it works out or not. But it's all good, you're the strong man that doesn't need any woman.

[SmoochieFace]

Smoochie: if you have it all figured out, then why are you even on the forums? It's not experimental and it's not high school, it's called psychology. Do you even know what NC is all about? That's cool you can just walk away from any girl. Maybe you haven't met the right one. Maybe you haven't fallen in love. Guess you never wanted one back. Man you're lucky.

 

For many people on here they believe they found the love of their life and they want them back. Most of us make the dumb mistake of chasing them, telling them we love them, sending flowers, begging etc. That doens't work and pushes them further away. So, for people that want any possibility of working it out with their ex, NC is the only way to go ... whether it works out or not. But it's all good, you're the strong man that doesn't need any woman.

 

Lemme tell ya something, dude, I am in a relationship and it is going very well... not that I have to justify it to you so take a chill pill.

 

I know perfectly well what NC is all about as I have implemented it on those who have left me for whatever reason. I do not play manipulative 'psychological games' with people as I am upfront and honest. If someone leaves me then I do not want them back. Simple as that. No games involved. No 'experiments'. If I implement NC, you can bet your ass that I will stick with it forever.

 

Now what I find hilarious is when the 'dumper', after screwing me over, all of a sudden has a 'change of heart' and wants to hook up with me again. No way, Jose. She made her choice and now she must live with it. I just move on.

 

I don't understand why you have an issue with that and why you felt the need to rake me over the coals because of it but I will say this: everyone is different and everyone has their own ways of dealing with zhyt. Yeah, my way may be 'unconventional' but it works for me and that, frankly, is all that matters.

 

Have a nice day.

[cleebadee]

Please don't let me interupt guys, but I have a serious question. Why does anyone impose NC? How can it help? The only reason I cannot contact him is because he was so rude and angry the last time we saw each other.....there is just so much ?><!# I can take. But my gut hurts from losing my friend and confidant for the past year and a half. Would much rather be in contact.

[SmoochieFace]

Please don't let me interupt guys, but I have a serious question. Why does anyone impose NC? How can it help? The only reason I cannot contact him is because he was so rude and angry the last time we saw each other.....there is just so much ?><!# I can take. But my gut hurts from losing my friend and confidant for the past year and a half. Would much rather be in contact.

 

Simple. If someone is gonna be rude, angry, nutty, whatever with me then I do not have any desire to be with that person. Same thing when it comes to those who are wishy-washy about what they want... you know, the 'I want you I want you not' garbage.

 

I don't have time for that bull.

 

Think about this: why would you want to stay in contact with someone who treats you badly? Why?

 

DAVIS mentioned something about me being 'strong'. Yeah, he's damn right. I am strong enough and have enough self-respect to not put up with that BS and I have enough self-respect to not crawl back to someone who thinks she has a licence to treat me like zhyt.

 

'Love of my life'... yeah, sure. Anyone who treats me badly isn't the 'love of my life'... lol...

[Davis]

Smoochie: I know what you're saying. I used to be the same way: if they leave then "fck em". Then there's always that one you really cared about and you know you probably fckd it up so that's why they left. You're right, if they dump us why the hell would we want them back? I ask myself that daily about my ex. But, she had great qualities that I haven't found in other women. So....

 

You can call NC a manipulative psychological game. Lots of us manipulate lots of people for different reasons everday to get what we want. In the end if you get your ex back and it's good for both of you, was it really a crime to "play games"? My point was telling your ex to "fck off" is not going to get them back nor is begging and chasing them. For those of us that want them back or want to move on at some time, NC makes sense. Psychology does work.

 

You're in a relationship. You know what you have to do to keep her interested in you. You know there's games involved to some degree. And unfortunately, in the dating "game" or in a relationship, that means using psychology. I bet if you were a wuss with your girl, she would bail on you. So, you know that you have to stay in the driver's seat. Is that manipulative or reality?

 

I raked you over the coals only because people here are searching for help, answers, support and maybe a way to get back. Not everyone, like you, can just say "fck you" to their ex and move on and be fine. Continuing contact doesn't work and makes a person remain hurt. NC gives people time to heal, grow, change, move on, clear their head and, maybe, get their ex back if that's a possibility. You can call it a game, but other than saying "fck them" that's the only other opton.

[Davis]

Opps! Cleebadee: ok. Why would anyone do NC? Because doing anything else rarely, if ever, works. NC can work because, in your case, it gives him time to be less angry, re-analyze the situation, start to miss you, think they made a mistake. To keep pressing usually makes it worse. You push the realtionship and they pull away. Do it enough and they say "hit the road" for good. NC gives you time to heal, clear your head, improve yourself and settle down your emotions. I know it's tough. It sucks. But, if you want any chance, you have to back off. Hang in there.

[SmoochieFace]

Smoochie: I know what you're saying. I used to be the same way: if they leave then "fck em". Then there's always that one you really cared about and you know you probably fckd it up so that's why they left. You're right, if they dump us why the hell would we want them back? I ask myself that daily about my ex. But, she had great qualities that I haven't found in other women. So....

 

Sorry, but 'great qualities' isn't enough to even entertain the thought of wanting her back. There's plenty of fish out there so no need to pine over the one who screwed you over. You can always find a new fish.

 

 

You can call NC a manipulative psychological game. Lots of us manipulate lots of people for different reasons everday to get what we want. In the end if you get your ex back and it's good for both of you, was it really a crime to "play games"? My point was telling your ex to "fck off" is not going to get them back nor is begging and chasing them. For those of us that want them back or want to move on at some time, NC makes sense. Psychology does work.

 

You're right, it won't get them back and that's cool cuz I wouldn't want them back.

 

I just have a different definition of NC. For me, it is something permanent. May not work for everyone but it works for me.

 

 

You're in a relationship. You know what you have to do to keep her interested in you. You know there's games involved to some degree. And unfortunately, in the dating "game" or in a relationship, that means using psychology. I bet if you were a wuss with your girl, she would bail on you. So, you know that you have to stay in the driver's seat. Is that manipulative or reality?

 

Look, I am 37 and my GF is 46. We don't play any sort of 'games' with each other. We love and respect each other and that's all that matters. We enjoy each other's company and we enjoy doing things together. None of that 'game-playing' crap is involved in it at all. Call it 'boring' but that's the way we like it. No drama, no 'living on the edge', etc.

 

 

I raked you over the coals only because people here are searching for help, answers, support and maybe a way to get back. Not everyone, like you, can just say "fck you" to their ex and move on and be fine. Continuing contact doesn't work and makes a person remain hurt. NC gives people time to heal, grow, change, move on, clear their head and, maybe, get their ex back if that's a possibility. You can call it a game, but other than saying "fck them" that's the only other opton.

 

NC is my way of saying 'I don't want you any more and don't expect me to contact you and don't expect me to return any contact you make with me'.

 

That's what it is to me in a nutshell.

[Davis]

"Sorry, but 'great qualities' isn't enough to even entertain the thought of wanting her back. There's plenty of fish out there so no need to pine over the one who screwed you over. You can always find a new fish."

 

Well. She was pretty, nice, caring, fun, a nympho, had a great job, had a house on the water, took care of me, we got along really well, loved me like no other, was complimentary, yada, yada. I know it all sounds mundane, but she was a great girl. She bailed because she was not getting all those lovey "words" she wanted to hear from me. I fckd it up. So, I have regrets and want her back.

 

Now you're right. Why in my fckng right mind would I want a girl back that dumped me? Because of all the reasons above. Then there's the part about that if they dumped you once, they will do it again. So why put myself in that position. Good question. Now keep in mind, where I live there's not a lot of pretty, quality girls around. Most are married or fckd up. So there might be lots of fish in the sea, but it's not easy to find those fish or a good fish. If I had a good new one, I wouldn't give a sht.

 

Then there's the part that I think she's fckd up. She's confused, wishy/washy and has lots of old emotional baggage she hasn't dealt with. Maybe it was best to find out now instead of years from now or before she cheated on me. Aquaintances have told me she's been mixed up for years. So, if she's fckd up, then I would say I'm better off without her.

 

That's it in a nutshell. NC for sure and maybe I should take your advice and convince myselft I don't want the biatch anyway.

 

Good for you and your gal. You're lucky bro.