Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 The last few nights, I have talked with someone i miss dearly. I feel extremely lucky that she has found the strength to not only talk with me but to do so for 7 to 8 hours each nite. This is a huge step for us both as I never thought she would even talk with me again. It seems like so long ago that we were actually in each others arms and hold each other as lovers do. We meet off of a dating site and even then, at the start there was a little cloak and dangers, the test of men's metal. We had a wonderful relationship, even though we might not have been on the same page with certain elements at certain times, we took turns supporting and giving each other love and tenderness. She is the only woman I have ever made love with. We both came out of rocky situations and we connected in so many ways, and we opened up and shared our past, our dreams and desires. Even then we had set the stage for things to come because while we both believed we had disclosed everything we both had skeletons in the closet. The relationship was always slanted in the flavour of collapse because while our love was strong and our morals and beliefs we the same, we each kept little secrets from each other - ones that truly made the difference. For me it was my belief that I could tackle anything and for her it was the opposite. Yet we pulled and pushed until we found a balance and for the first couple of years, even thought things happened on the sly, we didn't let that effect our love and relationship. But like life in general, fate had us all move in to my home, and that became an issue, one of space, and ownership, and comfort and calm. It was like suddenly we went from a couple that dated and went out to parties, movies, clubs and plays - to laundry, and mowing and painting white fences. Now for someone who lived downtown and had a certain amount of freedom, C first embraced what she thought she dreamed of - a normal, quiet life with a loving boyfriend and 2 kids. They talked about marriage and family planning and started to save for vacations and such. C had stress from university and work and changing jobs and G had been voluntold and now worked with an abusive boss. Then life became a chore and both C and G did not have as much time to themselves and G started getting depressed. Just before they had met both C and G were players online - meaning they surfed and chatted and just had a good time. On nite about half way in to their relationship G decide to check out some sex chat rooms to see what cybering was all about. For the most part this sites were filled with lovely, hurt people, who regressed back to high school antics and many believed that 'people' they talked to could be the love of their life. G never once saw it that way, he was in a relationship with a great sexy woman and so it wasn't about sex as in arousal. And it was that moment - the suspending of accountability, where reason and logic get thrown out the door - because G never viewed this sites as sexual as in attachment, he let that vision cloud the fact that doing that is actually cheating. So after just looking around at how people talked he ended up chatting with someone he believed was from ireland. Know, before G had simply asked questions and was curious and he went to that site because his gf was not as interested in that as a way to discover more about yourself. And as anyone knows the cyber world is two fold - the brass visual and the vulnerable hidden. So G ended up talking about sex with this woman for 7 or 8 hours one nite and after that it was more or less like they were just friends. But the conversation was illict and done so to excite and that was wrong and G never saw it that way because he wasn't there to 'do it'. Now at the same time C and her friend E were secretly plotting against G - setting him up on these web sites with fake people who would try and get him to do something naughty. And they did so to break C and G up so that E could be with C - even though C didn't know it but G did. So things got rough and depression and addiction set in for G and C isolated herself for reasons she didn't share. They grew apart initimately and G regressed into a hell zone and punished himself by removeing contact from the woman he loved. And he spent many nites talking with people he thought were simply there to have fun but in most cases there were fake people or those that wanted to get married. As G got very ill, he start using a web cam and did the dance of stupidity many three times = and he stopped because it was embarrassing and gross. But because he was whacked he still didn't see his actions as cheating but when he recovered he surely did and apologized to C even thought the relationship had ended many months back and he discovered that C and E had gotten together - so her plan did work. The strange thing is that both E and C watched G online and did nothing - nothing to save the relationship and his fall. Then near rock bottom G stayed up for 5 nites and it became an obsession and to the point that was all he did - and the more that happened the more he became ill - until he was a zombie staring at the computer screen. G ended up chatting with about 5 or women about sex but he ususlly bored them [they were E and G] and because G basically felt that his gf had checked out and he hated himself - he never saw his actions as cheating and neither did B and E. The only one that G saw as a person was that woman from Ireland and they taked for a while, he gave her a phone number because she wanted to talk but H never did because he felt it was silly. So he saw two women reveal their bodies and he packed it all in once all these things became meaningless. And he truly felt sorry for the hurt he gave B and promised himself that would never happen again.
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