bonehead Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I had been with my ex wife for 13 years, married for 10. I know people make excuses and only tell the bad side in a situation like this but my wife truly was very emotionally abusive. I had tried to leave my marriage a few times over the years, but I was so beaten down that my ex had me believing that I could never find better. I met my " OW " in June of a year that was very bad for my marriage. I was trying to get things in place to finally make the seperation stick. Her and I became very good friends. We are in the same line of work but for different companies. We really did become best friends. Had alot in common besides work. She knew alot of the problems in my marriage, and really did know both sides. Even took an active role in trying to get my wife into therepy. Offered rides, child care, what ever it took. ( My ex wife comes from a very emotionally and physically abuseive home, also a history of SA ) I knew she had issues with her marriage as well. ( husband using steroids ( not just heard from her, proven by him ) But the thought of more with her never crossed my mind, in fact I had taken a role in trying to get her husband clean. ( Getting him interested in other things besides body building ) 8 months down the road and my ex and I had set a date for moving apart. Then end was in sight, and I couldnt have been happier. I was finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I still didnt think I would find better, but knew I would be better off just me and the kids. It was a Feburary night and OW husband called me because her car wouldnt start. She had gone to get her oldest daughter some cold meds and her car was dead in the parking lot. He couldnt go because he was in the middle of his lifting set and he didnt want to lose his drive. Got her car started, she was in tears. I let her use my cell phoone to call her dad because she said she was going to get her kids and go to her dads for the night. After she hunbg up from her dad I told her to call me when she got home and to let me know if she went to her dads. ( I wasnt sure her car would stay running. ) Her DAD called me with in 5 minutes. Filled me in on things that I had no clue about. I knew that she wasnt sleeping in the same room as her husband. ( Side effects from the roids made him overly aggressive when it came to " bedroom activities ) but I didnt know that that arraingment had been in place for a few years. I also didnt know about the ER visits she had made due to his temper. Couple weeks later her and I were talking and she asked me if I was going to stick to my leaving date. In the background I hear her daugheter ask her when is SHE setting a leaving date. She asked what all I had in place to protect and provide for me and my kids. I then found out that they were $60000 in debt do to a failed business and related lawsuits. Couple days after this conversation her husband and I were supposed to go riding snowmobiles. He called the day before and cancelled. She called the day we were supposed to go riding and asked if I was still going and asked if I would take her. Long story short she kissed me, told me she loved me and if I would wait for her. She said with that much debt out there she couldnt get a divorce and afford to support her and the kids on what she made. Thus started an affair. Some say it started before that day, but thats the day I can put my finger on. At first I didnt know what to say. I was floored. But the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea of a life with her. I stuck to my moving date, filed for divorce, got full custody of my kids. Things for me have been pretty good. Still have a deep friendship with her all other things aside. 2 weeks ago their lawsuits were paid off. She became very withdrawn. Still talk a few times a day, but it doesnt feel the same. She says nothing has changed but she needs a break. Hasnt wanted to see me, but still calls quite a bit, but not as much as before. This has been over the course of just over 2 years. Truly a break, or a break up?
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Get away from this sitch. You are just getting out of an abusive M. Don't jump into bed with a co-dependent that is afraid to support herself. Sounds like her dad gave you info you did not need. You can not and should not save this woman. She is being pushed to you it seems like (her father, her daughter). You are too fragile to be dealing with her life drama right now (the part about still believing that you can't do better). Put up some boundaries with this friend and re-establish your self-esteem.
Author bonehead Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 You are too fragile to be dealing with her life drama right now (the part about still believing that you can't do better). That was over 2 years ago. Im doing alot better on that now. Spent 8 months in IC and learned ALOT.
Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 From reading your post it sounds like she used you as a crutch to get her through her financial problems. It may be better to take a step back and let her decide what she's going to do and take care of your own life.
NoIDidn't Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 That was over 2 years ago. Im doing alot better on that now. Spent 8 months in IC and learned ALOT. Glad to hear that. Nothing is worst than someone else trying to redefine us - and us letting them. But you probably should still avoid this woman until she has her own IC.
Author bonehead Posted November 1, 2006 Author Posted November 1, 2006 Nothing is worst than someone else trying to redefine us - and us letting them. No kidding. But that was the way my ex was raised. She comes from a family were fear is seen as love. If we were not afraid of her there was a problem. If we didnt feel she was so much better then us there was a problem. But you probably should still avoid this woman until she has her own IC Totally avoiding would be a slight problem. We do depend on each other quite a bit for after school activities and transportation. It just works out really well having someone to share the transportation hassles with. I really dont think I could pull all the kids activities off without her. And I know she would havew a really hard time without me. This afternoon she was almost back to her old self again. Wanted me to meet her for lunch but I wasnt able to. Said we really need to have a serious talk this week. I guess the worse part is the not knowing. If its a breakup Im fine with that. If its not I just want to know how and when the situation is going to change. In your first reply you said her dad gave me info I did not need. I feel I did need that information. My children had been spending time there with their children. It was a safety issue
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