Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 My roommate and I started off as best friends, but things went very soggy after initial unspoken boundaries were crossed. We did discuss issues, which should have been resolved then, and I admit that even after she apologized I was still a little upset. As I reflect, it was because her apologize felt ingenuine, for one thing she would say "i'm sorry, but I was annoyed at the time and that's why I did it" and another thing was that while she would apologize for one thing she would go around and do something else that is offending. I really tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and I understand that crossing boundaries can be accidentally, and I am more forgiving of that, but she has done things intentionally. For instance, she didn't put any pants on while in the living room after I stated that I was going to have a guest. She stated that "it's time to show him [my guest] what my culture is all about" She later explained to me that she shouldn't have done that but she did it to send me and my guest a message that she is not willing to accommodate for me and my guest because she thought we would not do the same for her. Which is confusing because there were many things that I have done to accommodate her needs, such as taking my boyfriend (whom she doesn't like) to my room when he visits. I will admit there were somethings I was not willing to agree in compromising. For instance, she states that my guests can wait outside if they don't want to see her in her underwear while she's in the living room. I felt that this compromise was stepping over my rights and I refuted this idea. Honestly, I was willing to eventually forgive her for all the things that she has done, because I realize that there were somethings that I was responsible for, i.e. setting my personal boundaries in the first place, immediately reacting to the situation, misplacing anger towards the end (she apologized and i was still upset about those issues, but i should have been more forgiving). I admitted to as many things that I felt I did wrong, or what boundaries she expressed that i had crossed, and apologized. But one day, she wrote me a letter stating how she felt about me, which I wasn't so offended at first because it started as an expression of her feelings. But then the letter turned into accusations and she began to make absolute statements about who I am. She made assumptions about my feelings and why I did things without asking me how i actually felt about the situation, and accepting her assumptions as fact. Stating that I don't understand her side of the story (just because I don't agree with it). Also, because she can see all of these things, this indicates that she is more mature than me while stating, "but don't feel bad, I don't believe you to be stupid, only less experienced. I have my mother's wisdom and my own life experiences." Which she could have really meant to be nice about it, but that did not seem to have correlated with the rest of the tone of letter. I really don't know where she is getting at with the whole immaturity thing. i never went out of my way to call her immature, because to me that wasn't the point of the conflict. I really wanted to tell her that she is responsible for her actions regardless of whether she did it by emotional impulse. I wanted to let her know that I wasn't going to accept that anymore, because I don't want to be treated in that way. I understood that we have different experiences and different views about things, but it seemed that she tried to make it a point that I was very immature and naive and my boyfriend as well. I really do not understand her motives behind her letter, because the letter mostly consisted of my faults and one, or probably two things of what she had done wrong. At the end, her suggestion was that we both learn to forgive and forget. But here's the catch, she didn't want to discuss the letter. I just feel that she was doing it again, she was pushing her thoughts, to make her feel better, but running away before i get the same opportunity to say how i feel about things. I always feel this way after most confrontations with her, that they are left unfinished, because she runs away or stops the conversation because she's "tired", or because we have have to be somewhere. What she doesn't know is that while she doesn't feel the need to talk to make this friendship work, I do. Am I being too selfish? It's really hard to communicate with my roommate, she runs away when i try to confront her about problems, which makes me reluctant to talk to her about issues (she's also seems very sensitive about confrontation because he cries a lot, which is another reason i didn't confront her, b/c i didn't want to hurt her feelings), not to mention that she blames me into "forcing" her into conversations, or by stating that talking about issues doesn't always help. I don't really force her, at least i don't think so. If something comes up, i try to talk to her about it, but I don't physically tie her down or coerce, or even call her names or patronize her. She expects everything to go away on it's own. Which is what ultimately left me upset, because she didn't want to let my boyfriend defend himself while her and her boyfriend said things behind his back to me, and trying to set rules like "kicking my boyfriend out whenever they feel offended" To be honest, my boyfriend confronted them once, and he did not yell at them or call them names, he just wanted to get their story and tell them how he felt. He understood that they were about to leave and was only letting them know that we should all straighten things out so we can start over again whenever it is more convenient. My roommates boyfriend says "I don't think it's needed, but if it makes you feel better i guess we can talk" and my boyfriend began to explain why it's important to him and was going to stop talking after that. Then, my roommate comes into the room, starts to say that talking about issues is not needed because they felt that everything was okay on their side of the problem. And then she incorrectly quoted me, and then said that was exactly what i said, even though the statement wasn't true. Then, in the middle of the conversation, she begins to leave abruptly, my boyfriend pointed out what she was doing, and she got very offended. Later, she told me that he had no right to call her on her "running away" from the conversation and that next time he does it, she'll kick him out regardless of my rights as half ownership of the lease. I tried to be constructive about things. I tried listening to her, understanding her side(even though i didn't necessarily agree with her actions), I even asked her about how she'd prefer for me to communicate with her to make her feel more comfortable. Later, this backfired because she told me, in her letter, that how i talked to her was "condescending" or "patronizing" even after telling her that I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just didn't wanted to be treated a certain way. I really don't know what to do about this friendship. I think I should just let it go, but it's really hard to severe this relationship, even gradually, because I have to live with her for seven more months. I feel as though she controls the communication, and i still feel a little upset. but I find it very hard to confront her now because she is unwilling to listen. She always seemed to be very senstitive when it came to confronting her about things, but when she had a problem she had no hesitation to tell you or even scold you about it. What do you think I should do?
Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 My roommate and I started off as best friends, but things went very soggy after initial unspoken boundaries were crossed. We did discuss issues, which should have been resolved then, and I admit that even after she apologized I was still a little upset. As I reflect, it was because her apologize felt ingenuine, for one thing she would say "i'm sorry, but I was annoyed at the time and that's why I did it" and another thing was that while she would apologize for one thing she would go around and do something else that is offending. I really tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and I understand that crossing boundaries can be accidentally, and I am more forgiving of that, but she has done things intentionally. For instance, she didn't put any pants on while in the living room after I stated that I was going to have a guest. She stated that "it's time to show him [my guest] what my culture is all about" She later explained to me that she shouldn't have done that but she did it to send me and my guest a message that she is not willing to accommodate for me and my guest because she thought we would not do the same for her. Which is confusing because there were many things that I have done to accommodate her needs, such as taking my boyfriend (whom she doesn't like) to my room when he visits. I will admit there were somethings I was not willing to agree in compromising. For instance, she states that my guests can wait outside if they don't want to see her in her underwear while she's in the living room. I felt that this compromise was stepping over my rights and I refuted this idea. Honestly, I was willing to eventually forgive her for all the things that she has done, because I realize that there were somethings that I was responsible for, i.e. setting my personal boundaries in the first place, immediately reacting to the situation, misplacing anger towards the end (she apologized and i was still upset about those issues, but i should have been more forgiving). I admitted to as many things that I felt I did wrong, or what boundaries she expressed that i had crossed, and apologized. But one day, she wrote me a letter stating how she felt about me, which I wasn't so offended at first because it started as an expression of her feelings. But then the letter turned into accusations and she began to make absolute statements about who I am. She made assumptions about my feelings and why I did things without asking me how i actually felt about the situation, and accepting her assumptions as fact. Stating that I don't understand her side of the story (just because I don't agree with it). Also, because she can see all of these things, this indicates that she is more mature than me while stating, "but don't feel bad, I don't believe you to be stupid, only less experienced. I have my mother's wisdom and my own life experiences." Which she could have really meant to be nice about it, but that did not seem to have correlated with the rest of the tone of letter. I really don't know where she is getting at with the whole immaturity thing. i never went out of my way to call her immature, because to me that wasn't the point of the conflict. I really wanted to tell her that she is responsible for her actions regardless of whether she did it by emotional impulse. I wanted to let her know that I wasn't going to accept that anymore, because I don't want to be treated in that way. I understood that we have different experiences and different views about things, but it seemed that she tried to make it a point that I was very immature and naive and my boyfriend as well. I really do not understand her motives behind her letter, because the letter mostly consisted of my faults and one, or probably two things of what she had done wrong. At the end, her suggestion was that we both learn to forgive and forget. But here's the catch, she didn't want to discuss the letter. I just feel that she was doing it again, she was pushing her thoughts, to make her feel better, but running away before i get the same opportunity to say how i feel about things. I always feel this way after most confrontations with her, that they are left unfinished, because she runs away or stops the conversation because she's "tired", or because we have have to be somewhere. What she doesn't know is that while she doesn't feel the need to talk to make this friendship work, I do. Am I being too selfish? It's really hard to communicate with my roommate, she runs away when i try to confront her about problems, which makes me reluctant to talk to her about issues (she's also seems very sensitive about confrontation because he cries a lot, which is another reason i didn't confront her, b/c i didn't want to hurt her feelings), not to mention that she blames me into "forcing" her into conversations, or by stating that talking about issues doesn't always help. I don't really force her, at least i don't think so. If something comes up, i try to talk to her about it, but I don't physically tie her down or coerce, or even call her names or patronize her. She expects everything to go away on it's own. Which is what ultimately left me upset, because she didn't want to let my boyfriend defend himself while her and her boyfriend said things behind his back to me, and trying to set rules like "kicking my boyfriend out whenever they feel offended" To be honest, my boyfriend confronted them once, and he did not yell at them or call them names, he just wanted to get their story and tell them how he felt. He understood that they were about to leave and was only letting them know that we should all straighten things out so we can start over again whenever it is more convenient. My roommates boyfriend says "I don't think it's needed, but if it makes you feel better i guess we can talk" and my boyfriend began to explain why it's important to him and was going to stop talking after that. Then, my roommate comes into the room, starts to say that talking about issues is not needed because they felt that everything was okay on their side of the problem. And then she incorrectly quoted me, and then said that was exactly what i said, even though the statement wasn't true. Then, in the middle of the conversation, she begins to leave abruptly, my boyfriend pointed out what she was doing, and she got very offended. Later, she told me that he had no right to call her on her "running away" from the conversation and that next time he does it, she'll kick him out regardless of my rights as half ownership of the lease. I tried to be constructive about things. I tried listening to her, understanding her side(even though i didn't necessarily agree with her actions), I even asked her about how she'd prefer for me to communicate with her to make her feel more comfortable. Later, this backfired because she told me, in her letter, that how i talked to her was "condescending" or "patronizing" even after telling her that I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just didn't wanted to be treated a certain way. I really don't know what to do about this friendship. I think I should just let it go, but it's really hard to severe this relationship, even gradually, because I have to live with her for seven more months. I feel as though she controls the communication, and i still feel a little upset. but I find it very hard to confront her now because she is unwilling to listen. She always seemed to be very senstitive when it came to confronting her about things, but when she had a problem she had no hesitation to tell you or even scold you about it. What do you think I should do? OK...MY APOLOGIES I WILL LEAVE - I HOPE U GET BETTER, STAY KEWL
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