alwaybroken Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 i've tried everything to tell her to go to the gym. At first I brought it up as a subtle thing. I said that I go to the gym a lot (and am extremely well built for it), i think it is only fair that you spend some time at the gym too. my gf goes nuts when I ask her to start working out. She isn't fat, but she is far from tonned. When I bring up going to the gym, the very first thing that comes out of her mouth is an angry, "do you think i'm fat!?!". No matter how I put it, she gets angry. She says she doesn't have enough time, she used to have an eating disorder and i am just encouraging it, blah blah blah. I'm so ****ing sick of hearing the excuses. She eats tons of fatty foods too. I'm not into sweets and junk, but everytime I'm at her place she wants cookies or icecream. Everytime we go out for lunch or dinner, there always has to be dessert. I asked her if she eats icecream everyday, and I'm pretty sure she does. IS IT NORMAL TO EAT ICECREAM EVERYDAY?? I eat it maybe once every other week. I'm affraid shes going to get fat and overweight. How can I tell her I NEEEEED her to go to the gym without her blowing up talking about her eating disorder when she was 16 (she's 20 now), or how she has no time because of school?? I pointed out how much TV she watches (hours everyday) and I said she should cut out some tv to go to the gym, she just yells at me saying that I don't know what its like to have all this work (when in fact I do, I finished my thesis last year which took 10 hours a day towards for the last couple weeks + classes and other HW, and I STILL went to the gym). don't know how else to tell her besides just blowing up and telling her shes getting fat and unhealthy eating all the icecream and to go to the gym before I ditch your ass. I've gotten to the point where i pretty much said that, and a huge fight erupts. I want to be with her, but I need a new plan to get her to the gym. and yes, she has a gym membership to a place a couple blocks down the street (she can walk there). She's only gone to t he gym maybe 3 or 4 times since school started in the begining of Sept. I need her to go 3-4 times a week. any help!?!
SoCalCatman72 Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Let me see if I understand this correctly. You are a workout freak, she is not. She is not fat, she is far from toned and you are afraid she will get fat. You haven't mentioned anything about overall health or cardivascular fitness, only appearance, so your concern about her not working out is based strictly on her looks and what you think they will be like if she doesn't work out. She has had an eating disorder and excercising brings memories of her disorder back. DUDE, you need to wake up, stop being so self focused and start loving your gf for the person she is fat or thin. You sound like a control freak, I'm glad I'm not your gf.
bab Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 i've tried everything to tell her to go to the gym. At first I brought it up as a subtle thing. I said that I go to the gym a lot (and am extremely well built for it), i think it is only fair that you spend some time at the gym too. my gf goes nuts when I ask her to start working out. She isn't fat, but she is far from tonned. When I bring up going to the gym, the very first thing that comes out of her mouth is an angry, "do you think i'm fat!?!". No matter how I put it, she gets angry. She says she doesn't have enough time, she used to have an eating disorder and i am just encouraging it, blah blah blah. I'm so ****ing sick of hearing the excuses. She eats tons of fatty foods too. I'm not into sweets and junk, but everytime I'm at her place she wants cookies or icecream. Everytime we go out for lunch or dinner, there always has to be dessert. I asked her if she eats icecream everyday, and I'm pretty sure she does. IS IT NORMAL TO EAT ICECREAM EVERYDAY?? I eat it maybe once every other week. I'm affraid shes going to get fat and overweight. How can I tell her I NEEEEED her to go to the gym without her blowing up talking about her eating disorder when she was 16 (she's 20 now), or how she has no time because of school?? I pointed out how much TV she watches (hours everyday) and I said she should cut out some tv to go to the gym, she just yells at me saying that I don't know what its like to have all this work (when in fact I do, I finished my thesis last year which took 10 hours a day towards for the last couple weeks + classes and other HW, and I STILL went to the gym). don't know how else to tell her besides just blowing up and telling her shes getting fat and unhealthy eating all the icecream and to go to the gym before I ditch your ass. I've gotten to the point where i pretty much said that, and a huge fight erupts. I want to be with her, but I need a new plan to get her to the gym. and yes, she has a gym membership to a place a couple blocks down the street (she can walk there). She's only gone to t he gym maybe 3 or 4 times since school started in the begining of Sept. I need her to go 3-4 times a week. any help!?! First off, I generally think that significant others have a right to say something when their SO is losing thier attractiveness. But in your case, you sound like a jerk. I don't know what it is exactly about your post, but your tone is very much like a control freak jerk. I could be wrong, so sorry if that is the case. If you want her to go to the gym, go with her.
ShoeGirl Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Why do you need her to go to the gym? Does she not get to make the decision for herself? You should be happy that she has recovered from her eating disorder and that she doesn't have body image issues stemming from that. It sounds like she is comfortable with her body and her eating habits, yeah eating ice-cream every day is not exactly healthy but she is 20 and has the metabolism to be able to. There is also a chance that if you let it go she will decide on her own to go to the gym for her, but you can not force her to go for you, she has to want to go.
Kamille Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 I fully agree with previous posters that your reasons for wanting your girlfriend to go to the gym sound shallow, but I will try to level with you. Besides, yes, a friend of mine has already mentioned that she feels it is important for couples to be clear about what their fitness expectations are of their partner. Mainly because she has fitness expectations. I don't, but I do have health-habit expectations (which have very little to do about how the person looks, and more to do with how the person approaches well-being). First thing: you need to show more support for your partner. From what you've told us here and from the way you're expressing yourself, it doesn't sound like you are approaching this in a very constructive manner. This is not a war, it's not for her own good that you're asking this, it is something that you feel is important. You want this for you. And therefore, because you feel it is important, you are asking her if she feels she can compromise with you on this issue. So instead of counting how many ice creams she has every week, focus on explaining to yourself, and to her, why you think fitness is so important to the health of your relationship. Why is it important for you to stay fit? Is it all about looks? You might also want to ask yourself if your expectations of what her body should look like (toner) are realistic. And then focus on hearing her answer. Say you understand and force yourself to understand. She is not doing anything wrong by eating ice cream and only going to the gym once in awhile. You might also want to approach agencies that offer help to friends and family of people who have had eating disorders and body image issues so that you can better understand why your attitude might be upseting to her. She has fought a disease and is now trying to enjoy a guilt free relationship to food and her body. Is there any way you can celebrate this with her? Maybe by having a sherbert next time she goes out for a death by chocolate ice cream? Oh, and by the way, at 20, she still has a high metabolism. In fact, she's still growing. At that age, I wasn't working out and was having ice cream after my fish and chips. I now do work out on a regular basis, but I sure wouldn't have started if my boyfriend at the time had been nagging me about it. Show by example. Invite her to go hiking, to play tennis do activities together. Stop judging her. Please.
roxy_1980 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Here's what you do: Tell her that you're worried that she's such a small girl that you feel that she needs to gain some muscle, in case she ever needed to get out of a bad situation. Modern girls need to be able to defend themselves. Emphasize that she's a small girl and that it's for muscle tone rather than weight loss. This works because of the eating disorder. And avoids the fat accusation all together. Little sneaky yes. But it works. Best of luck, Roxy
crazy_grl Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 You two don't sound compatible. I'm somewhat of a health freak, and I know if I was dating someone who wouldn't go to the gym and ate junk food all the time it would drive me crazy. You can't control whether she exercises and what she eats though. If you've expressed your concerns to her, and she doesn't take any action to change, you have every right to leave the relationship. You don't have the right to make her feel bad or tell her what to do. Are you just telling her she needs to go to the gym or have you invited her to come with you?
Citizen Erased Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I am sorry but you seem to be so shallow and caught up in yourself that you really need no other relationship with anyone but a full length mirror. You have NO RIGHT to pressure her to eat the same foods you do, have an exercise regime when she doesn't think she needs to. If the thought of exposing herself to eating specific foods and doing nothing but exercise makes her want to revert back to her eating disorder then no offence then you really need to back off. For you to suggest that she is using her eating disorder as an EXCUSE makes you so selfish and inhumane that I fail to see how you will EVER have a meaningful relationship with anyone but the afore mentioned mirror. Get off your high horse and gain some compassion. At least pretend to be a human being to your partner.
Author alwaybroken Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 Screw her fragile body image, she wouldnt be so concerned about being fat if she wasnt fat at all and was going to the gym a lot. having an eating disorder is absolutely no excuss to not go to the gym. If you have an eating disorder because you think you are overweight, instead of being lazy and throwing up, just haul your ass to the gym for even better results. RIGHT??
norajane Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 So much love, so much respect, so much compassion in that last post of yours. Is there anything about her you do like? Perhaps you'd be happier if you asked out one of the girls you see at the gym all the time. Because you can't change people and turn them into what you want them to be. I'm sure your gf would probably be happier and healthier without someone harrassing her about her body all the time..
kleeka Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I dont' know how you can motivate her except to be honest and tell her it bothers you that you can't enjoy this activity as a couple and spend that time together. Maybe say something like it's difficult for you to go to the gym alone without her presence and support to keep YOU going at it. say the same about your efforts to eat healthy and right. It's good you want to be with her but i can sense your stress with things down the road if this continues. Part of the prob i think is that she has reached the extreme comfort level with you in that she will overeat in front of you, dessert and all and not feel any concern at all. She's got some issues for sure and it sounds like food is providing her with that sense of security. At the same time though, if she keeps packing in the food you will just feel even guiltier if you ever wanted to leave her because she would have nobody if she were to get enormous. but i personally don't believe in telling people what they want to hear just to keep the peace. If she says "so you think I'm fat?" Either shake your head in frustration or say I've seen you look much better. but hey, dont' lie if you want to be truthful to yourself. Lie to her if you want to keep the peace but where does that get you in the end? it comes back to you later in the form of "you never said anything!" I definitely think you'll have longterm compatibility issues if you don't get this resolved. It sounds like she's in denial about her condition as many overweight people get and react extremely sensitively and defensively about their weight. I have an overweight sister who stomps out the room whenever the subject turns to carbs and how we all should reduce the intake, for example. Its not much different from quitting cigarettes or alcohol. if you both were smokers/drinkers and then decided to quit together but then one of you fell of the wagon it makes the other person 's task of quitting that much harder!!! This in fact happened to me and I wanted so badly to quit smoking after so many failed attempts. I realized that in order to succeed, I had to change everything, lifestyle, habits, train myself to hate the smell of smoke, and in the end I dumped the boyfriend because he couldn't be supportive of my efforts without contradicting himself!
Kamille Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Screw her fragile body image, she wouldnt be so concerned about being fat if she wasnt fat at all and was going to the gym a lot. having an eating disorder is absolutely no excuss to not go to the gym. If you have an eating disorder because you think you are overweight, instead of being lazy and throwing up, just haul your ass to the gym for even better results. RIGHT?? What I don't understand is why you express so much anger and resentment.
tangerine trees Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 what I dont understand is why her not going to the gym is a problem. she has every right to be as healthy or unheatlhy as she chooses to be. do you have ocd?
Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Screw her fragile body image, she wouldnt be so concerned about being fat if she wasnt fat at all and was going to the gym a lot. having an eating disorder is absolutely no excuss to not go to the gym. If you have an eating disorder because you think you are overweight, instead of being lazy and throwing up, just haul your ass to the gym for even better results. RIGHT?? You have no right to get yourself a girlfriend and then set out on a renovation job. If you don't like her the way she is, move on and find someone who fits your specs perfectly. Here's something you might wish to remember when you're dealing with people: THEY ARE NOT YOU. They don't have the same tastes, ambitions, interests, or thoughts. You don't get to think for them. You don't get to run their lives. You get to run your life, period. Go to the gym, find another gym freak, and live happily ever after with her. Never again go out with someone thinking that you have a right to make her over into your ideal of a perfect human.
Kamille Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Screw her fragile body image, she wouldnt be so concerned about being fat if she wasnt fat at all and was going to the gym a lot. having an eating disorder is absolutely no excuss to not go to the gym. If you have an eating disorder because you think you are overweight, instead of being lazy and throwing up, just haul your ass to the gym for even better results. RIGHT?? I keep rereading and rereading this comment because I can't believe how insensitive it is. OP must be realllllllllyyyy young. Poor gf. I mean, if this is for real, imagine what he is going to tell her when he ends things between them over this! Alwaysbroken, you should really read up on body image issues. Because you know what, one of the eating disorder/body image symptom is obsessively going to the gym engaging in exercise. If you care at all, maybe you could ask your girlfriend what her experience was like. But it really doesn't sound like you care about solving or getting past this issue. It just sounds like you feel like fuming. Again, why are you so upset about this.
HennyPenny Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Why don't you ditch her then and find someone who fits your physical requirements? Obviously that's all that matters to you anyway, perhaps because that's all you're capable of. You will be doing her a huge favor.
clandestinidad Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 People generally do not develop eating disorders because they actually think they are fat. That is NEVER the real issue. The real issue is that they enjoy(ed) the control that they had over their bodies, because for some reason(s) parts of their lives were/are out of control. Eating disorders are not about FAT, they are about control. Its probably unhealthy for her to be in a relationship with you, since you seem to NEED to take control of various things, and she'll NEED to get some control back for herself.....but hey, then you'll be pleased because she'll dwindle down to 100lbs.
rainfall Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Screw her fragile body image, she wouldnt be so concerned about being fat if she wasnt fat at all and was going to the gym a lot. having an eating disorder is absolutely no excuss to not go to the gym. If you have an eating disorder because you think you are overweight, instead of being lazy and throwing up, just haul your ass to the gym for even better results. RIGHT?? Gee you are so sweet........why don't you break up wuth your gf since the two of you aren't obviously aren't right for each other. Theres nothing wrong with wanting your gf to go to the gym and look good, however it is not right to say she is gross and fat because she doesn't go.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 what I dont understand is why her not going to the gym is a problem. she has every right to be as healthy or unheatlhy as she chooses to be. ... Sure and he has every right to dump her too... I try to get my wife to work out, take long walks and loose weight because I don't want her to die... I kind of like having her around, and no I don't think either of us has a right to be as unhealthy as we choose to be. I should be unhealthy and be a burden on my wife or she on me? That is really stupid. If you care about someone you care to help them be healthy so you both can enjoy life's journey with each other. So, alwaysbroken, maybe you can find some other way to help her stay in shape. Not everyone likes the same kind of physical activities. I'm not real fond of working out in a gym, I'd much rather run 5 or 6 miles a day. My wife hates running, so I have to walk with her. It rather play racketball than pump iron. Heck I'd rather split wood than pump iron. So what's with the gym fetish?
DanielMadr Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I hate gyms. And I dont like fitness fascists. So I know how she feels. On the other hand....he is not complaining she is fat...he is complaining she is lazy and she is not flexible. If my gf would say if Id like to go with her sometimes to play sqash or workout.....yeah I would go, just to share her hobby and have other perspectives and better condition. Telling me I should gain some Arnie muscle and that I have to workout every day.....go and gym yourself;)
Walk Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I don't agree with the OP at ALL. But... Doesn't matter what you say to her, or how you say it, you aren't going to get her to go as often as you like. The more you demean her about it, the less likely she'll be to go. Power struggle now. The harder you push, the more she's going to fight back to not go. Anyway.. I always tried to get my ex to go to the gym because I wanted him to be healthy. He ate horribly. He hated the gym. So I tried introducing every sport I could that he might like. He ended up loving mountain biking (which I did too!) and we would go 3-4 times a week, and ride 10 miles of some seriously rugged terrain as fast as we could. He still wouldn't go to the gym to save his life though. Why are you trying to remake your gf into you? Ever hear of the word comprimise? She's an individual, a human being. If you don't like who she is, then LEAVE. How hard is that?? You don't agree with her lifestyle choices. She annoys you and pisses you off. Well??? LEAVE then. Why are you staying with her? Why are you making this so complicated... You want someone who always goes to the gym. She doesn't like going to the gym. It's simple. Break up with her, and go find someone who likes to go to the gym.
iron_m Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I hate gyms. And I dont like fitness fascists. So I know how she feels. On the other hand....he is not complaining she is fat...he is complaining she is lazy and she is not flexible. If my gf would say if Id like to go with her sometimes to play sqash or workout.....yeah I would go, just to share her hobby and have other perspectives and better condition. Telling me I should gain some Arnie muscle and that I have to workout every day.....go and gym yourself;) he is complaining she does not do everything he wants: 1) go to the gim 2) change her diet 3) watch less TV what else? gosh! wouldn't it be easier for him to get the gf he likes instead of changing this one? this sounds like buying a knife and then changing the blade and after that changing the grip...
StayClose Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 The decision to make a self-improvement life-style change must always come from within. You can be supportive of her going to the gym, but you can't make her do it.
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