He is distant

[couggrl]

I am going on 2 years in our relationship. We have been living together over a year. Within the last 2-3 months he has become very very distant from me. Some days he seems like he doesn't even want to be around me then other days it is like he can't get away from me. He tells me he loves me on those "good" days. I am not sure if it is me or something else in his life that is affecting him. He won't talk to me. I talk to him about it and he just looks at me. he says he doesn't know what to say so he just says nothing at all. We used to be intimate at least 5 times a week and then all of a sudden he doesn't want to be intimate as much maybe 2 times a week. The change is just really weird and i don't know how to get him to talk to me. I have tried IMing him and he just wont respond. i send him letters and he doesn't respond i talk to him and he just gives me a blank stare. I don't know what to do. I am lost. Please help me... I am just about to call it quits i am soo irritated with this..

[couggrl]

so i talked to him last night for 2 hours. lotta crying, and anger. he wants to spend not so much time together although, we don't spend a lot of time together as it is and also he isn't as attracted to me as he was before.. but he is very in love with me. at this point i don't want to do anything rash as it is approching the holidays and i don't have time to move out at this moment because i am an engineering student.. i am just soo incredibly confused. we are supposed to be going to mexico in 2.5 weeks. my sister is going out of town for 2 weeks and she wants me to stay there so i think i am going to stay there alone. maybe some time apart will do us some good.

 

as far as the attractiveness he said it was my wait and he hates the fact he thinks that way. he thinks it is superficial. i told him i will not loose the weight for him. i have tried it. it doesn't work. i have been loosing some weight like 5 lbs so far but it is for me not him. i still don't know what to do. deep down i know it is going to end. how can you have a long lasting relationship if you are not attracted to the other person.

[JamesM]

Please help me... I am just about to call it quits i am soo irritated with this..

 

My personal feeling is that you should. If his love for you fluctuates with your weight, he doesn't love you in the true sense of the word. Love is a choice, but it is also an attraction to the person you are with. My wife's weight has fluctuated alot...she has gained as much as sixty pounds...during pregnancy. I did not like it, but it did not change my feelings for her.

 

Since you are not married and asume no children, this is the time to step away from each other. It will do one of two things...you will both want to be back together, or you will feel that it was a good choice.

[carmaenforcer]

I don't understand why people mostly women say this, "I won't change for anyone, if I do change it will be for me!". Doesn't that seem a bit selfish and self centered? Isn't that totally contrary to the concept of being "one" with some one else, their needs your, your needs theirs.

Are people teaching their kids to only think of themselves and do nothing for anyone else?

NICE!

I say if you got fat and your man is not attracted to the new fat you, then loose the friggin weight. You’re lucky he isn't just cheating on you and instead tried talking to you about it.

And you’re complaining that he won't talk to you, but look at the response he got when he did finally talk. Oh no, how dare he ask anything of me, I don't have a problem, he has the problem if he doesn't find fat attractive. PLEASE!!

I used to get the same story from my ex, I try to loose weight but I can't. Then what happens when we break up, she looses the weight.

I never pressured her to loose weight but it still pissed me off. Oh, I thought you couldn't loose weight, what you really meant was, I can't do anything that pleases you, it has to be because I want to or for someone else.

 

My Wife can gain weight and it doesn't change how I feel about her, I will still "love" her but that has nothing to do with sexual attraction.

 

Stop playing games and deal with reality, if you choose to be in a relationship with another human being, then there are two (2) sets of feeling and needs to consider, not just yours (1)...

If you want to only think of what you want then by all means leave your man to find someone else that can do things for him and not only for herself and stay single. BE HONEST WITH YOUR SELF. You know what the right thing to do is.

 

Sorry to be so harsh but I hope that you can see that being in a relationship is not just about the feeling and needs of one person. Do it for him, it won't kill you but it might save your relationship, what's the harm. If you still don't work out at least you'll be slim and sexy for you and whomever you end up with next.

[jmargel]

Try not to let Carma's post bother you too much it seems he's still eating sour grapes for some reason.

 

Couggrl what you bf is doing is very immature. This isn't about your weight, it's about him not knowing what he wants in life. This isn't your fault but it's attributed to his immaturity. If I were you, let the cage door open and tell him to fly away. Let him face the consequences on what he's doing to this relationship. I would rather be single & alone, than with someone & still feeling alone.

 

Unfortunetly until he decides to grow up you'll continually be on this roller coaster ride if you stay with him. Instead of him complaining about your weight, etc.. why can't the both of you do activities together? Even something as a daily walk/run together could bring you closer. Seems like the communication between you two is lacking quite a bit.

[carmaenforcer]

jmargel,

I am heulla bitter about my Wife not taking care of me sexually, the way "I" want it. And that's why I can speak from experience.

 

I, like couggrl's bf, also stopped talking about it with her because it goes no where. She also is one of those, I'm not the one with the problem, he is, if he doesn't like doing me missionary style through a sheet, but only when I need sexual satisfaction, types. J/K about the sheet thing but you get the idea.

 

All I'm saying is, there is nothing wrong with couggrl's bf having an issue with her gaining weight and it could very well be, just that.

Sex is just sex and a very superficial thing for us men, and especially in youth and ignorance.

(Generally speaking for those "sensitive" men out there.)

We can love someone we are not sexually attracted to, and in turn we can have sex with or sexual attraction to someone that we don't love or even like.

 

We are very visual creature and might be "put off" by having to have sex with some one with a body that disgusts us in any way. It might not be right, but it is. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just that you might stand to loose a few lbs.

 

Please don't drag him into working out with you if he doesn't want/need to. If he's anything like me he might not appreciate it and it will only make him feel frustrated when he sees you sabotage your progress or slack off. I say just do what you need to do and let him watch yourself getting hotter and then enjoy what comes with that. And please don't be one of those that become attention whore the moment other dicks start pointing in your direction. Remember who you supposedly are in a relationship and I assume, love. Give him the little things that make him happy and he will give you the world, and if he don't then dump his ass for someone that better meets this idea of what a man should be.

[Guest]

when u are in a relationship, there are three entities that all need to be nutured equally - the woman, the man, the couple. u do not place priority of one over the other. if u need to have the focus and work solely on yourself, you ensure that you are doing it for the right reasons and you communicate that honestly.

 

if one person tells the other that they are taking a 'break' from the relationship to 'heal' them they better do exactly that. if it is a lie, then they should be honest right away. i for one do not seperate what a person looks like, who they are as a person, and how i feel for them - one is not a determinate over the other. if i truly care and love that person, they could look like a monster to someone else but would still be a goddess to me.

 

my 2 cents

[jmargel]

I am heulla bitter about my Wife not taking care of me sexually, the way "I" want it. And that's why I can speak from experience.

 

Carma, I believe just about 95% of the men out there would like their sex life changed in some way.

 

And exacty how do you want it? If you are both pointing at each other and saying 'Its not my problem, it's yours' then the big thing there is communication. Sounds like brother & sisters, fighting. It's a problem that is *both* yours. So next time you get into that fight with her, don't start putting her down, go the route of it's a problem that we both have to resolve together. Women like hearing that kinda stuff.

 

 

Sex is just sex and a very superficial thing for us men

 

Only when it's with a one night stand, well at least when I had them.

 

It seems like her bf & you are missing the point. If you fix the bigger issues between you & your spouse than the smaller ones such as sex will just about fix itself. IMO it has that domino effect. If you stop trying to be so bitter and resentful and stop fighting her you might get further.

 

Remember.. The definition of insantity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results.

[couggrl]

Our communication is lacking severely.. Unfortunately communication is a two way street. I can communicate with him but he needs to communicate with him.. I told him if we don't start communicating more we will not make it.

 

I go into these stages of where honestly I would rather be alone than to deal with this. I am in my hardest year of my college education and i really dont need this stress what so ever.

 

We have began going to the gym at least 2 times a week. It has helped me having him to go with but sometimes i need to do this on my own I have always been that way. I get more of an effective workout when i am alone. It also lets me have time to think.. i also worry that since he is severly underweight the activities I do will make him loose even more weight.. He is 6 ft tall and 115 lbs. Which is another problem.

 

I must agree with jmargel

 

"Couggrl what you bf is doing is very immature. This isn't about your weight, it's about him not knowing what he wants in life."

 

He really doesn't know what he wants out of life. He has low self esteem not that i am saying i have high self esteem but it doesn't help. Also, he won't better himself in his carreer. He is very unhappy in that reguard.

 

But also, I know it is a 2 way street. I know i could do things differently like not be so clingy and expecting him to want to be around me all the time. Which really isn't that much. I can go out with my friends and family and not worry what he will do..

 

As far as what carmaenforcer said about weight.. I am saying i will not loose it for him because i have tried. And to be honest loosing weight is a selfish thing. It is something you do for yourself. I have done it. I tried doing it to save my now past marriage and it didn't matter he still went out and cheated on me. Then once it was over i didn't see the point in staying that way so i gained half of the weight loss back. I have let myself go in the past 6-8 months. When we started dating I would take care of my face, hair, nails etc. now i seem to lounge around in a sweatshirt and jeans. I wouldn't be attracted to me either. But what he didn't say is that he loves me any less because of it. The attraction just isn't as strong as it was.. Well duh. I look like ****. Even if it is an excuse for not being satisfied in his life I still need to think about it. I hate to say it but my mom was right. When you stop doing those things a guy may loose interest.

 

 

Jmargel.. Have you thought of watching videos with your wife. There are some pretty nice ones out there. That is if she is up to that. Pirates is good. Acting is kinda funny but it is in no way cheap.

[luvtoto]

Four years ago, I was dumped this way. But, I spent years allowing him to mess with my heart. Only to wind up rejected all over again.

 

This man doesn't know what he wants, and is treating you like yesterday's garbage.

 

My advice to you?? Move out and don't look back.

 

When he sees you moving on with your life as a young, strong woman. He will have second thoughts about letting you go.

 

Trust me. He will.

 

When this happens, tell him that he made his decision..and to live with it!!

[carmaenforcer]

couggrl, I'm glad that you could see past my harshness to the fact that I spit truth, sometimes.

It is easier to give up and blame the other person, but no one said the easier thing to do is the best thing to do, right.

 

If you have just given up on the battle of the bulge, which I fight all the time, that's cool too. Be happy with yourself first of course but when in a relationship, your body is not just for your enjoyment. You don't need a partner to have great sex though.

Hey there are guys out there that prefer full figured women, I know I don't mind a little extra something as long as the sex is creative and good.

 

Do be cautious playing the dumping to get what you want game; it does work but breads resentment and eventual payback.