Davis Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 I dated my ex four months exclusively. I'm 39, she's 34. She started acting strange last month, you know "I'm confused, need space, time to think". So, I did NC for a week. Then her best friend sees me out and tells me that my ex went back to her ex. My ex's "ex" is a guy she dated last year for 4-6 months. He's a druggie and has been physically abusive with her (I saw the pics). He had been doing drive-bys etc. Apparently she called him because they were "good friends" ... except for his drug issues. Her gf said my ex still had "feelings" for him (like getting punched?). So, it's been a total of 4 weeks NC. I have not seen, heard or talked with her. Of course I happened to pass her yesterday on the road. I didn't look, but I know she saw me. My plan is to continue NC. I'm not going to lose my dignity or feel like and idiot and she was the one that dumped me. Now what? Move on and maybe she'll call someday?
melodymatters Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Yes, move on and NO, don't hope she calls.
Author Davis Posted October 30, 2006 Author Posted October 30, 2006 Hey Melody. Ouch. That's reality. I know. She sounds f'd up. Great girl. Got along great, successful, fun, good qualities, pretty. And f'd up when it comes up to relationships?
melodymatters Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Yes Davis, thats probably it : F*cked up when it comes to relationships ! I was in an abusive relationship in my early mid 20's and kept taking him back. A little more than a week ago, my BF of a year beat me up. Older and wiser, i would NEVER go back out with him !!! But, I don't have a great track record of dating " nice guys" either, so my challange ( and perhaps yours ? ) is to start finding people who are healthy, kind and good for me. Here's to us both doing better in the next round ! Glad to have you aboard loveshack ! Melody
Author Davis Posted October 30, 2006 Author Posted October 30, 2006 Hey Melody. Why do you girls take them back?? Ok, but she's 34, not 20! I was shocked to hear she went back. Even her two kids new he hit her. All her friends hate him. I thought she was healthy. Guess I was wrong! Sorry to hear you found another abusive guy. Maybe your challenge is to get some counseling (if you haven't already) and find out why you make the subconscious decision to go out with abusers. I know. Part of me wants her back badly. Another part says she's too f'd up and she would just fck me over again later. Maybe I better just have my friends pick the next one for me. Thanks for the advice and the welcome.
Ssheena Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Really! If we would just listen to our friends, 99% of the time they are right. I bet yours are saying/were saying she's no good for you. She couldn't even tell you herself that she was going back to him....spineless. I really feel sorry for her kids. Be strong!
Author Davis Posted October 30, 2006 Author Posted October 30, 2006 Actually all my friends just loved her! They told me I was an idiot if I didn't keep her or if I fkd it up. Everyone I talked to, her friends, clients, just loved her. But, then none of them were dating her. That's the difference. I do feel sorry for her kids. Now they have more bs to go thru. I sorta feel sorry for her too ... and think he'll abuse her again at some point. No, she did not tell me herself. Her best gf told me and at that time said, "didn't she tell you she still had feelings for X?" I said "no. she slept with me the week before and told me she loved me and never said anything about X" Her best gf seemed surprised by that answer. You're right. spineless. weak. She had him "back" before she ever bailed out on me... all with the bs excuse of "needing space".
D-Lish Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Hey Davis... Sometimes there's very little rationale involved in choosing the people we love. I've dated Dawgs, good guys, intellectuals, younger men, older men... even geeky-types. I loved men that were good to me, and men that were no good for me...and even loved a few that treated me like crap. I wish I knew the secret to turning off your heart and thinking with your head...but it's a hard trick to learn. Your ex sounds confused, and a little misguided. Don't take the rejection personally because it's not about you. Sometimes people that don't have a lot of self worth feel they don't deserve the good ones. And no matter how great a guy you are~ you can't change that. I suspect you'll hear from her at some point. Hopefully by then you'll have reconciled with the realization that you deserve better. Abusers can really strip a person of self confidence, they manipulate and badger... and the the abused begins to feel attached to the feeling that all that attention (even the negative) equals love. Sounds fcked up, I know. But when an abuser manipulates a person into feeling helpless "you're nothing without me"... the mistreated person comes to see themselves as helpless without the very person administering the abuse and guilt. There's much more to it of course. You're handling it well by having no contact. It really is the only way. This too will give you time to figure out if you would take her back if she does contact you. Who do you think she will call if he beats her up again??? And sadly, inevitably, that will happen. They have a negative enmeshment with one another. You probably provided her with some semblence of peace and happiness~ and she'll have regrets about giving that up. But for the time being she's chosen to go back to a bad place. When things fall apart, she'll remember the value she felt when she was with a nice person.... and that's when she'll realize the impact you had on her. Sorry this happened~ I know the pain NC evokes in both parties... but it really is best for healing. And in answer to your question on my other post... My ex did say he loved me- usually when I said it first. But it was more in the way he NEVER looked at me. Never made me feel special, rarely made the effort to see me or invite me places. That sort of thing. D
Author Davis Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 Hey Dee. Thanks for the input. I guess I found out that she has very low self esteem. And there are just lots of unresolved (and un-counseled) problems from her past like a Dad that always cheated on her Mom and was an alcoholic (and they're still together) (and those are her role models on a relationship?). I tried to tell her that she was used to "chaos" and not a normal relationship. She'll take all that attention, excitement, affection, craziness and words as "love" from him. In the end, unfortunately, he will kick her ass again and that's the price she'll pay. It's really kind of sick when I think about it. I don't know that she'll call me when that happens... and I hope it doesn't. I know, I know, I should have my head examined for even thinking I would want her back. You would really, really like her if you met her. My friends just loved her. She's a really nice, friendly, kind person. That's probably why this is so hard to come to grips with. Yes, she had peace, stability and happiness with me. I don't think she could handle it. And, you're right, she didn't think that she deserved it or me .... she explained that in some of her emails while we were "breaking" up. I think I hope she realizes someday that I had a good impact on her and regrets what she did. By then it will probably be way too late. Besides, I keep questioning myself 'if she dumped you and screwed you over once, she'll do it again'. So, I'm not sure I would even want to go there. I do feel a bit better after a month of NC and I know that's been the way to go. My thinking is getting better and clearer. And, of course, I have my times during the day of missing her, being angry, wanting her back, hating her etc. But I'm not going to contact her for several reasons: I am not going to be a wuss, I am not going to lose my dignity, I am not going to let her have the power, I am not going to feel like an idiot and I am not going to grovel. She dumped me, so the ball is totally in her court. Thanks for the input.
D-Lish Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Well it's probably hard to imagine why someone who is well liked and appears to have a lot going for them could have self esteem issues~ but it's common. People who feel unworthy, often pair up with the unworthy. It's twisted, but it's reality. Kids learn from their parents... especially things like love and respect and interactions with others. The early experiences with the parents can have a great impact on someone's relationships down the road. Yep, no contact is the right way to deal with this. It's too bad she doesn't recognize the things in herself that you see... that's sad for her. You on the other hand are now free to date someone healthy and stable that has reconciled with their baggage. Everyone has baggage... it's just a question of whether or not it's been dealt with. Good luck.. it gets better! D
Author Davis Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 Thanks again, Dee. She knows she's a good person and has lots to offer, I just think she's so fkd up that it's beyond her. Her past just runs too deep. You're right, she has serious baggage that she has not dealt with. I now hear through the grapevine that she has been mixed up for a long, long time. She told me she needed to deal with the past and was going to go to counseling. I think getting back with her ex was as far as she got. She's made a bad decision for her and for her kids. It's sad for her and hurts me. It is getting better for me. I have been on some dates. And slept with one of my other exes (ooopps!).
D-Lish Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Yeah, well... I went on a blind date with a guy that was super hot...then turned out to be a "spit talker" (even became a little "foamy" at one point)...and as the date progressed, he had a few too many and turned into a "spit-slurrer"... that was a deal breaker for me! Then...I went out with a "boy" 8 years younger than me who tried to grope me in my car without even buying me dinner first! haha. Dating isn't fun for me right now... lol. D
Author Davis Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 Dee: that's gross. drunk/spitter. guess that was a deal breaker. well, if you liked the younger guy, you might have liked groping in the car! Hmmm. You're a pretty girl, I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding good dates when you're ready. Ok, I'm gonna be bad and go see another one of my exes and spend the nite. What can I say? A man has to get some physical contact somewhere!
Guest Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Just wanted to add my 2 cents for what it's worth. I'm going through the exact same thing. For me it's been 2 months NC (sorta). I was friends with a man for a few years and one day he called and asked me out to lunch - as we usually did. But this time he asked me out on a date - not as a friend. He said everything was horrible in his life, blah, blah, blah and needed my support. We ended up dating hot and heavy (way too fast), but I enjoyed the attention and had long wanted to date this man. We are both professionals and over 40 - so you would think we'd have known better. Any way, after a few months of bliss - never a fight or bad word - he breaks up with me. He needs space, confused, whatever.... I couldn't understand what I had done. Turns out he went back to his ex who he had briefly told me about - but at the time he had told me he was over her - and said she had hurt him so badly that he would never take her back - ever. As you also later found out, my ex had apparently started seeing her before he told me it was over. I guess he wanted to make sure she would take him back before officially dumping me. I was equally devastated. I cried and moped, but only once did he ever see me upset. We saw each other as "friends" a couple times after the break, but it was too hard for me and I told him I wanted to move on and I would never want to be someone's second choice. Inside, however, I wanted him to call me and beg me to come back to him. My story is a bit different from yours because I suspect your girlfriend had dumped the abusive ex rather than him dumping her. My ex was devastated that his ex had dumped him. When someone dumps you, sometimes that makes you want to be with them even more - even if you don't care that much for them. It's the feeling of being dumped. So I suspect my ex wanted her to come crawling back - and she did - so he jumped at the chance to go back. Leaving me (the rebound) to pick up the pieces. But same as your story - my ex went back to a horrible person. Someone who is not well-liked, cares only about herself and is emotionally and verbally abusive. My ex told me she had all those qualities - and yet he went back to her?? Not very smart - eh? And innocent children are also involved. Makes you wonder what these people are thinking. In my case, it's been 2 months of NC and this past week my ex sent me a "hello" email. I wrote back (as a friend) asking him about a new sports car I'm buying (we both enjoy sports cars and often discussed them). He wrote back with his opinion of what I should buy and told me how incredible I will look driving it. But he also included an emotional apology. He said he was an idiot and a moron for what he did to me and apologized profusely. I was quite surprised to see this coming from him out of the blue and so many months. But as you said about your ex, my ex is also an extremely nice guy. He just has lots of issues/baggage from his upbringing, etc...(he's 50 YO - and apparently still suffering from a very dysfunctional upbringing). So I have sorta moved on - but still think of him every now and then - and secretly hope that some day he breaks up with her and calls me again. But I wonder what I'd do. Hopefully I'd say "no, thank you". But I'm not sure... How are things going with you?
Author Davis Posted November 7, 2006 Author Posted November 7, 2006 Hey guest. I have another post on here about the update. But basically she saw me with another woman and contacted me. She was really jealous and I think that stirred up her feelings for me. We have been txting and talking. She got rid of the loser and has gone to counseling. I don't know what I'm going to do. So much has happened. And she dumped me! I am not going to get physical with her. We are not dating. We met briefly for coffee and we have talked ... a lot. So, I am testing the waters and trying to figure out what I am going to do. Ok. As for you. I've noticed if they talk about their ex, including saying they hate them, that means that the ex is very much on their mind. And remember, NC does make us forget their behavior. All the apologies. That's what my ex did. Did you feel he was genuine and regretful? Has he made any significant changes? I would continue NC and try to work on yourself and have fun. Oh, I'm sure he'll figure out his ex is a real btch and will want out. Yes, you went too fast, just like me and my ex. Some say that's bs, but I think it's too much emotion too fast for most people. Only you can judge how mixed up you think he is if he comes back. Is he going to counseling? You're in a tough spot is he has a kid and is involved with his ex. I would say there's lots of great guys out there with less baggage. If he contacts you, keep your guard up and be very careful. In a while you may decide you don't want him around anyway. Good luck!
Guest Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Your story sounds like my story. Except, now the two of them are rushing to get married. He broke up with me last month, to get back with her, and they are planning a marriage next week. I can't believe it. First of all he said they had a lot of problems, did those just disappear. And second, they have ony been "re-dating" a month! Huge mistake. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he didn't want to date anyone because he needed to figure out himself. And he said he had so many issues with her when they were together, which eveyone confirms. They say there was so much crap between the two of them. So, I, like everyone else had hoped he would see how much he loves me and misses me and come back. I don't think that will happen, since they are rushing ahead....
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