Is he doubting his decision to end it?

[ShoeGirl]

I have a few other posts on here and I haven't gotten very many replies but maybe a few of you can shed some light on this for me.

 

He broke up with me after 2.5 years on Friday night because he was confused about his sexual orientation (you can read my other post under the breaking up forum if you want the whole story). I agree that he is confused and I am glad that we are not dating anymore. But he had to go and say a bunch of stuff last night that made me wonder what he is thinking about.

 

He said that he went to hook up with a guy on Friday hours after he broke up with me and before he got to the bar where this guy was waiting he realized that he didn't want to have sex with guys anymore, that he wanted girls. I kept thinking that maybe he felt guilty or something because I got so mad when I found out he had had sex with guys before. So in the end he went home. He said that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he didn't sleep all night and that he loved me more than ever.

 

When he told me all of this I said I hope you don't think that I am going to get back together with you just because all of a sudden me you have realized that you want to be with girls and you couldn't realize it when we were still together. He asked if I ever would consider getting back together and I said no I don't think so, maybe later on in life but not now.

 

Then he gets on instant messenger and tells me today that he still wants to take me to dinner when I am in his city in 2 weeks, this is a date we made a month ago when we were both still happy with everything. I had assumed that he didn't want to see me then so I hadn't thought anything of it.

 

I told my mom that he wants to see me and she told me that she doesn't want me to go, she said it is my choice but she would rather I didn't go. I really want to see him, I think I need to see him to get closure on everything because he broke up with me over the phone and I have been looking forward to seeing him on that day for the last month. I am just afraid of him trying to get me back. I mean I still have almost two weeks to figure it out and I will see how our conversations are going at that time.

 

Sorry this is so long... I haven't had anyone to talk to about all of this besides my mom (who is still in shock) so I am letting it all out here. If you have stuck it out this far I thank you and ask you to please leave me your thoughts. I would appreciate any insight!

[magichands]

I told my mom that he wants to see me and she told me that she doesn't want me to go, she said it is my choice but she would rather I didn't go. I really want to see him, I think I need to see him to get closure on everything because he broke up with me over the phone and I have been looking forward to seeing him on that day for the last month. I am just afraid of him trying to get me back.

Mums can be wise.

 

On the issue of closure, I think that when a person decides that they don't want to be in a relationship with you, that their decision is closure enough.

 

Figuring out why is probably not going to help at all. Every person is different.

 

I don't think you're afraid of him trying to get you back...I think you're afraid of him not trying to get you back.

[D-Lish]

Unless you're prepared to just be his friend through all this~ it's probably best to break contact and move on. If you want some closure, that's okay to have one last meeting. But could you share your b/f with men?

 

If he's having sex with men, he's putting you at risk if you continue to have sex with him. I can't stress that enough.

 

Can u just be his "friend"? If not, I wouldn't meet him. Why pur yourself through the stress and pain? If you think you can remain supportive and neutral- then ok. If not, protect yourself and let him go.

 

You have to look out for you~ you've been through enough with this guy and he's proven over and over he can't be trusted.

 

D

[magichands]

You have to look out for you~ you've been through enough with this guy and he's proven over and over he can't be trusted.

Listen to D-Lish...and your Mum.

[Confuggled_one]

If you can control your feelings go..

 

if not the best choice is not to go.. just like dlish said.. stay strong.. i hope you feel better.. and im sorry about him.

[Guest]

I have a few other posts on here and I haven't gotten very many replies but maybe a few of you can shed some light on this for me.

 

He broke up with me after 2.5 years on Friday night because he was confused about his sexual orientation (you can read my other post under the breaking up forum if you want the whole story). I agree that he is confused and I am glad that we are not dating anymore. But he had to go and say a bunch of stuff last night that made me wonder what he is thinking about.

 

He said that he went to hook up with a guy on Friday hours after he broke up with me and before he got to the bar where this guy was waiting he realized that he didn't want to have sex with guys anymore, that he wanted girls. I kept thinking that maybe he felt guilty or something because I got so mad when I found out he had had sex with guys before. So in the end he went home. He said that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he didn't sleep all night and that he loved me more than ever.

 

When he told me all of this I said I hope you don't think that I am going to get back together with you just because all of a sudden me you have realized that you want to be with girls and you couldn't realize it when we were still together. He asked if I ever would consider getting back together and I said no I don't think so, maybe later on in life but not now.

 

Then he gets on instant messenger and tells me today that he still wants to take me to dinner when I am in his city in 2 weeks, this is a date we made a month ago when we were both still happy with everything. I had assumed that he didn't want to see me then so I hadn't thought anything of it.

 

I told my mom that he wants to see me and she told me that she doesn't want me to go, she said it is my choice but she would rather I didn't go. I really want to see him, I think I need to see him to get closure on everything because he broke up with me over the phone and I have been looking forward to seeing him on that day for the last month. I am just afraid of him trying to get me back. I mean I still have almost two weeks to figure it out and I will see how our conversations are going at that time.

 

Sorry this is so long... I haven't had anyone to talk to about all of this besides my mom (who is still in shock) so I am letting it all out here. If you have stuck it out this far I thank you and ask you to please leave me your thoughts. I would appreciate any insight!

 

i will repeat what i have been saying over the last 200 years! lol. it is impossible to expect someone to understand what the hell u are talking about when posting info this way. u know there is an extremely simple solution that removes all this baggage [ever hear of im'IN! YES I KNOW] so u know the add, the yah, i have an appointment Monday - i would rather clear it up now..up to u as always]

[ShoeGirl]

Mums can be wise.

 

On the issue of closure, I think that when a person decides that they don't want to be in a relationship with you, that their decision is closure enough.

 

Figuring out why is probably not going to help at all. Every person is different.

 

I don't think you're afraid of him trying to get you back...I think you're afraid of him not trying to get you back.

 

I don't feel like I have closure right now, I find myself wanting to see him in person to say good-bye to our relationship. I just don't know if I can handle it emotionally right now, and I know I don't have to decide now.

 

I think that I am partially afraid that he he won't try to get me back, you are right and I need to deal with that part before I see him, I need to not expect anything and be prepared to be strong either way.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it!

 

Unless you're prepared to just be his friend through all this~ it's probably best to break contact and move on. If you want some closure, that's okay to have one last meeting. But could you share your b/f with men?

 

If he's having sex with men, he's putting you at risk if you continue to have sex with him. I can't stress that enough.

 

Can u just be his "friend"? If not, I wouldn't meet him. Why pur yourself through the stress and pain? If you think you can remain supportive and neutral- then ok. If not, protect yourself and let him go.

 

You have to look out for you~ you've been through enough with this guy and he's proven over and over he can't be trusted.

 

D

 

Thank you for all of your support, you have given me some great advice through all of this... I appreciate it more than you will ever know

 

I know I can not share a bf with men, or with anyone for that matter. I want to be friends with him, I care about him and his happiness and I want to be there for him while he figures out who he is. I think that eventually I will be able to be neutral and supportive but as of right now I don't know if I can do that in 2 weeks. I know that I need to look out for me now and I know I can't trust him as a boyfriend, I just don't know if I can trust him as a friend and I want to figure that out.

 

If you can control your feelings go..

 

if not the best choice is not to go.. just like dlish said.. stay strong.. i hope you feel better.. and im sorry about him.

 

I am usually a pretty strong person, I can usually control my feelings... But he has gotten really good at reading me over the last few years and I am afriad that he will see through me. I will just have to wait and see how I feel when it gets closer. Thanks for your kind words.

 

~ShoeGirl

[ShoeGirl]

i will repeat what i have been saying over the last 200 years! lol. it is impossible to expect someone to understand what the hell u are talking about when posting info this way. u know there is an extremely simple solution that removes all this baggage [ever hear of im'IN! YES I KNOW] so u know the add, the yah, i have an appointment Monday - i would rather clear it up now..up to u as always]

 

I don't understand what you are saying. Others have been able to understand what I am saying, what about an appointment on Monday? What is up to me?

[magichands]

I don't understand what you are saying. Others have been able to understand what I am saying, what about an appointment on Monday? What is up to me?

When you live to 200, you go a bit soft in the head. And you have to read between the lines.

 

Have you bought a new pair of shoes yet? That usually makes me feel a little bit better.

[ShoeGirl]

When you live to 200, you go a bit soft in the head. And you have to read between the lines.

 

Have you bought a new pair of shoes yet? That usually makes me feel a little bit better.

 

I just don't see the point of posts like that. If I could afford a new pair of shoes I would have bought them but I have to be responsible and pay my bills first.

[magichands]

If I could afford a new pair of shoes I would have bought them but I have to be responsible and pay my bills first.

Women like you are like gold! How could he ever have messed things up between you?!

 

What "closure" do you expect to get? Hi there, it's good to see you again. Yes, I'm gay - sorry that it took me a while to come to terms with that. But I still love you. I'm a complex person with complex needs...I didn't mean to hurt you.

 

I can't see that you're going to get any "answers" - just more questions. You know enough already. The sooner that you try to put this behind you, the sooner you'll be ready for a healthy relationship.

 

And I'm raising your credit limit.

[ShoeGirl]

Women like you are like gold! How could he ever have messed things up between you?!

 

What "closure" do you expect to get? Hi there, it's good to see you again. Yes, I'm gay - sorry that it took me a while to come to terms with that. But I still love you. I'm a complex person with complex needs...I didn't mean to hurt you.

 

I can't see that you're going to get any "answers" - just more questions. You know enough already. The sooner that you try to put this behind you, the sooner you'll be ready for a healthy relationship.

 

And I'm raising your credit limit.

 

I am glad someone thinks I am gold... you just made me smile more than I have in the last week!

 

The closure I am looking for is seeing him in person one last time, not the conversation, nothing else. I have been looking forward to seeing him for so long now that if I didn't I think I would always want to, if I see him in two weeks (if I go through with it) then I don't think I will want to see him again at least not fr a while, maybe later in 6 months or a year as friends.

 

If you could up my credit limit I would love you forever.

[AloneNow125]

The closure I am looking for is seeing him in person one last time, not the conversation, nothing else.

 

Amazing what you can learn about someone after 2.5 years, isn't it? It sounds like this is no longer about him, it's about you. Don't underestimate the importance of getting the closure you need. If that's a part of your healing process, better to go with those instincts than ignore them. I think that how you recover after a relationship that has lasted this long is going to affect how you approach relationships for a long time to come. If you're ready emotionally to handle that conversation and it's as important to you as it seems, you should do it. Good luck!

[Guest]

Seeing Each Other...the What's And The Why's Don't Matter Anymore.....and Yes, I Am Aware Of The Tabs Placed On Mastercard - They Shut It Down And All The Places Have Been Notified...it Was At The Same Time That My Ebay Was Tried To...what A Wonderful Way Of Telling Someone You Care! Lol.

Oh, Yes, And The Computer Stuff, And Everything Else...i Have Never Encountered Two People Such As This - Am I Am Surprised At How Others Would Have Joined U In Silence...but Nothing Surpises Me Anymore...see We Both Paid The Price For Us Finding Each Other...and In The End...i Am Much Richer Because Of It...when U See That U Are Part Of The Problem And Say U Want Out Of That...there Are Those Who Do And Those Who Don't

I Have Seen Both Sides Of C And B - And Both Are Dangerous - But C's Side Contants Love [misplaced By Lust] And B's Is Just Anger And You Hear It In His Voice....

Yes...the Voice Tells Just As Much As The Eyes...and I Had Kept Only One Voice Message That C Sent Long Ago...where She Spoke The Words To A Pj Harvey Song...and I Know At That Moment, Her Voice Was Real And With Love..so, Knowing That Is Good Enuff - For Me

As For B - He Has Been Removed From Any Raking Duties And Will Never Be Welcome In My World Or My Family

Oh And Yes...i Am Still Doing The Report This Morning

[ShoeGirl]

Thanks AloneNow-

I actually had a very long conversation with him tonight on the phone about what we see happening in the near future as well as down the road. He said some very sweet things but he also realizes that I am not going to go back to that relationship now, and there is a good chance that I will not ever go back, I am not going to say never, but the chances are really low.

 

I think that seeing him in a few weeks will be strange just because neither of us will know how to act but I know I need it to happen and I think, form what he said, that he also needs it to happen.

 

Thanks for your support!

 

I feel so great right now, but tomorrow I have a feeling I will be right back where I was earlier today... it's like a rollercoaster... I guess I better get used to it for a while.

[ShoeGirl]

I feel like I am on a roller coaster... one minute I am just fine and the next I am crying my eyes out. How can I make this stop? Part of me wants to go out and find another guy right now, but that wouldn't be fair to that guy. I wouldn't even know where to go to meet a guy I haven't dated since I was 17.

 

Is it normal to go up and down emotionally like this all the time?

 

I just want to feel normal again, I want to feel loved by someone.

 

I am so messed up right now

 

(Sorry I am in a crying mode right now and I have no one to talk to)

[ShoeGirl]

Seeing Each Other...the What's And The Why's Don't Matter Anymore.....and Yes, I Am Aware Of The Tabs Placed On Mastercard - They Shut It Down And All The Places Have Been Notified...it Was At The Same Time That My Ebay Was Tried To...what A Wonderful Way Of Telling Someone You Care! Lol.

Oh, Yes, And The Computer Stuff, And Everything Else...i Have Never Encountered Two People Such As This - Am I Am Surprised At How Others Would Have Joined U In Silence...but Nothing Surpises Me Anymore...see We Both Paid The Price For Us Finding Each Other...and In The End...i Am Much Richer Because Of It...when U See That U Are Part Of The Problem And Say U Want Out Of That...there Are Those Who Do And Those Who Don't

I Have Seen Both Sides Of C And B - And Both Are Dangerous - But C's Side Contants Love [misplaced By Lust] And B's Is Just Anger And You Hear It In His Voice....

Yes...the Voice Tells Just As Much As The Eyes...and I Had Kept Only One Voice Message That C Sent Long Ago...where She Spoke The Words To A Pj Harvey Song...and I Know At That Moment, Her Voice Was Real And With Love..so, Knowing That Is Good Enuff - For Me

As For B - He Has Been Removed From Any Raking Duties And Will Never Be Welcome In My World Or My Family

Oh And Yes...i Am Still Doing The Report This Morning

 

Who are you? I am so confused at what you are posting. Who are C and B? Will someone please explain what this is all about? Am I supposed to understand this?

[magichands]

Part of me wants to go out and find another guy right now, but that wouldn't be fair to that guy.

Yes...it sucks to be used for sex. I know that feeling. You're just pleasuring their bodies, and ignoring their souls.

I wouldn't even know where to go to meet a guy I haven't dated since I was 17.

It's probably too late to learn now. I mean, guys are complex creatures that require seconds of careful romancing - not sex-mad Neanderthals who just want to get into your panties.

Is it normal to go up and down emotionally like this all the time?

No. I mean, yes. Well, sometimes. Maybe.

I just want to feel normal again, I want to feel loved by someone.

I know that feeling. I don't think I've ever been normal. Ice cream is the next-best thing to companionship.

I am so messed up right now

 

(Sorry I am in a crying mode right now and I have no one to talk to)

At least you're not feeling sorry for yourself. That's a good sign.

[D-Lish]

SG~

 

(just ignore the bored poster)

 

It's normal to feel the ups and downs.

Eventually, the good days will outweigh the crappy ones.

 

Your situation is tough. But this guy is obviously gay... and he can never be the partner you deserve. You're best to walk away.

 

The less you see of him or have contact with, the easier it will be to get over it.

 

You may think you could support him through this~ and maybe one day you can. But not now. Not when you still love him.

 

D

[ShoeGirl]

Thanks D-lish-

 

For some reason I can't walk away from him right now. I tried not answering when he called last night and I just started crying, after about an hour when I was really wanting to pick up the phone and call him but kept resisting he called and I answered, I said hello and he said he called back because he knew I would be crying and wanted to make me feel better. I don't think of us getting back together at all, I think of him as a friend and I really want what is best for him.

 

I don't know what I will do the day he tells me he hooked up with a guy, that will probably be the day I will walk away for a while. He told me last night he wants a guy 100x better than him for me, he knows how much pain and hurt he has caused. I just don't know if I will find that guy.

 

Is it a bad idea to have a rebound relationship? Part of me really wants to, if I could find a guy.

 

Where do I go to meet people? I am not 21 so I can't go to most clubs and I go to a small school where there are 3 girls to every guy.

[magichands]

He told me last night he wants a guy 100x better than him for me,

It's nothing to do with him. Either he wants a relationship with you - on terms that are acceptable to you both - or he doesn't. These words might be soothing to you, but I just find them mystifying.

 

Right now you just can't get any perspective. You talk about sleeping with the first guy you fancy just to get some self-esteem back. Whatever works for you, I guess.

 

Your thought patterns are going to continue to amplify your pain. Why, why, why? Because he's gay. You didn't make him gay. Maybe he convinced himself that he wasn't gay. The point is, is there any doubt now? It doesn't seem so.

 

No doubt you are a desirable young woman who is selling herself short. You seem hell-bent on seeing him again, because you say you need closure. I think that you really need to take a break from his "I'm really sorry but you deserve someone so much better than me" crap.

 

And see that you have your whole life ahead of you. Your heart will be skipping a beat in no time.

 

PS: I have missed the bunny. I really don't use him enough.

[ShoeGirl]

It's nothing to do with him. Either he wants a relationship with you - on terms that are acceptable to you both - or he doesn't. These words might be soothing to you, but I just find them mystifying.

 

Right now you just can't get any perspective. You talk about sleeping with the first guy you fancy just to get some self-esteem back. Whatever works for you, I guess.

 

Your thought patterns are going to continue to amplify your pain. Why, why, why? Because he's gay. You didn't make him gay. Maybe he convinced himself that he wasn't gay. The point is, is there any doubt now? It doesn't seem so.

 

No doubt you are a desirable young woman who is selling herself short. You seem hell-bent on seeing him again, because you say you need closure. I think that you really need to take a break from his "I'm really sorry but you deserve someone so much better than me" crap.

 

And see that you have your whole life ahead of you. Your heart will be skipping a beat in no time.

 

PS: I have missed the bunny. I really don't use him enough.

 

I love talking to him but I hate it at the same time. He will likely never be gone from my life unless I force some of my friends away from me. We were together for 2.5 years so we have a lot of the same friends and I am good friends with his roommates and I still talk to both of them just as much as I have before, nothing about him but about what we are up to, school, work, etc... just like we always have.

 

He doesn't think that he is gay, he thinks he is bi. He has two really close friends that have known him for 8-9 years one says that he is gay (she keeps telling him that he is gay, she admits that he has never said that he is gay, she just thinks he is) and the other thinks that he is bi but will end up marrying a woman having a family and being happy with that choice, but thinks that he wants the best of both worlds now, which he couldn't get by staying with me.

 

I know I have my whole life ahead of me... but I also get caught up thinking that I won't find a guy anytime soon, and that scares me. All of my friends have SOs so I feel like I should too... being single again is the strangest feeling in the world.

 

I am just confused... I can't sort out my own thoughts... I need to figure out how to sleep more than 3 hours a night.

[ShoeGirl]

One other thing... today a friend asked me if I still love him... and I thought about it and I don't. I love him as a friend, I don't have those romantic feelings anymore, I think they were gone a long time ago but I kept telling myslef that they were still there.

 

I have to say that was an odd realization... I hadn't been asked that question in a long time.

[D-Lish]

Where do I go to meet people? I am not 21 so I can't go to most clubs and I go to a small school where there are 3 girls to every guy.

 

Oh no... you'll have to move then!! lol

 

Maybe try Lavalife? Or an online dating forum?

I've had lots of success meeting people I never would have met otherwise, and so have many of my friends. I do that because I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum... sick of the bar scene.

 

No harm in going on dates at this point. Just do it to have fun- you don't have to commit to anyone or sleep with anyone you don't want to.

 

Just take care of yourself at this point~ you deserve to be happy... and your ex can't do that for you at this point.

 

Okay, and a word of warning.... I used to work with two gay men (a couple) they had both previously been married to women, had children with them...but proceeded to go to gay clubs and meet guys behind their wive's backs, until they finally became tired of the facade and came out of the closet fully. I used to go to dinner parties at their house, and they would have their male friends over- many of whom were living a double life, referring to themselves as "gay, but married".... SO they had wives and kids at home~ but proceeded to be actively gay outside the context of their family life. I just wanted you to hear that...

 

You can be supportive to this guy- but only when you're emotionally ready.

 

Hope you're doing okay...

D

[magichands]

today a friend asked me if I still love him... and I thought about it and

That's always a bad sign (pause). Thankfully the question was asked in the third person.