AloneNow125 Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Hi, I'm new here, my first post. My FI broke off the engagement a short while ago and I haven't been handling it well. I have been really depressed and angry, even more so because of how he handled it. For one thing, I found out he had been pretty dishonest with me about some things while we were together, not by lying but just by not telling me things. He claims that he has all of these issues he never told me about in the years we were together. He tells me that before he broke it off, he did a lot of thinking and read some books and visited some websites and decided we weren't right for each other. What? But he never even allowed me to have a real conversation with him about what he was feeling. Things that he claims bothered him for years that he mentioned to me maybe once in the relationship. Some of his reasons were so small. If he made me understand how importat these things really were, rather than bringing it up once and never again, it would have been easy to fix. There are other things that he claimed I said or did (or didn't do) that are totally misinterpreted. I feel like my whole life has been shattered into tiny pieces since he left me. I feel so alone and empty, and I'm completely torn. On the one hand, I want to make him talk to me about the issues he had so I can make him understand that these are not dealbreakers. That I understand things now in a way I didn't before, and I feel that after years of being together the least he could do is have a real discussion of these things with me and not take the advice of books and people on message boards who told him it sounded like our relationship was horrible and he should break up with me. This is not so slam the usefulness of forums like this one, but I feel like he relied almost exclusively on the advice of people and things that new nothing about the truth of our relationship. I'm backed up by this because his friends and family have seemed as shocked about this as I have. I'm devastated because I've lost my best friend. I'm angry at him because he gave up without even making an effort to work things out or coming to see me and tell me to my face. I feel like I need the face-to-face discussion for closure at least, but I still in some way feel that we could work things out. But I don't know if it's worth trying anymore with someone who has treated me this way. Someone who doesn't understand that the communication is what keeps the relationship alive, is this someone I should try to save a relationship with???
D-Lish Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 There's nothing worse than someone who can't communicate their needs and expectations to their partner.... and then to turn around and place blame when they did little to affect any change.... well that's just cowardly! Of course you'd be reeling right now! It's unfair. I dated a man for a year and everything seemed alright, we had some minor issues- but all and all I thought we had a safe, secure relationship. We went on holidays together, and a week after returning he pulled the same break up crap on me that your ex did with you. He broke up with me over the phone and cited past problems I was unaware of... then blamed me for his own inability to communicate to me. It was tough, and left me without any closure. i also walked around feeling like crap for a good while...thinking I was a bad person. It was unfair, and robbed me of closure. Your ex is doing the same to you. Perhaps he is confused and will come to his senses given a little time and space? Did he break up with you over the phone? E-mail? That's a coward's response to avoid confrontation! That sucks... I feel for you. D
ScorpioLady Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 I really feel for you and can completely relate to your situation. You sound like an intelligent woman and you really seem as though you no what you want. I agree with D-Lish there’s nothing worse than being with someone who can’t express how they feel. My ex did the same thing to me im an understanding person and always willing to listen to someone if they need to talk about what’s on there mind so i couldn’t understand what he was playing at when he blamed his lack of communication on me i was always there for him and he new it. I think it has allot to do with self esteem because i find it very hard like your ex partner to communicate in relationships not because i dont want them to know about my life/me/my past but because i feel like it doesn’t matter like i may bore them with it all. If you care about him enough to want to work things out then don’t give up, there’s nothing worse than wondering what if. If you think it would be easier for him why not write him a letter explaining that you really want to know and support him the best you can and ask him if he feels he can, to write you a letter back or an email. My friends parents do that with one another, whenever there’s an issue they both find it really difficult to resolve it by talking because one of them always over powers the other so they write each other a letter/text/email and its amazing how much more you can get in a letter than in a conversation verbally, they always seem to get out of hand or one of you always gets to say more than the other with a letter you can say everything you want to say without it looking as though your shouting etc.. and no matter how much the person dislikes what you have to say its there on paper for them to read as many times as they like . x
Author AloneNow125 Posted October 30, 2006 Author Posted October 30, 2006 He broke up with me over the phone and cited past problems I was unaware of... then blamed me for his own inability to communicate to me... Your ex is doing the same to you. Perhaps he is confused and will come to his senses given a little time and space? Did he break up with you over the phone? E-mail? Yep. He did it by phone. Refused to talk about it in person, and I was thinking "don't I deserve better than this after all this time?" I don't know whether to believe that he's going to come back. Friends who know us and about the relationship were floored when I told them. They've been telling me, "don't worry, give it time, he'll come around." But the way in which it was done, I don't know. I felt so attacked, and in a very unfair and cheap way. I don't know if someone who acts that way can just turn around? I think in some ways it was a very emotional decision that blew up over the course of a few weeks. I knew he was having other problems, too, and I can't help but wonder if he made the relationship a scapegoat for his other issues. I want to believe that, if that's the case, he'll realize in the coming days and weeks that breaking up didn't make him any happier and that this wasn't the issue and maybe he'll come back. I'm just in such shock about this that I don't know what to think.
D-Lish Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Mine did it over the phone too... And it was a crappy and cowardly way to end things between us. He also refused to let me say anything. just said- "it's over, I don't love you anymore and I'll never change my mind". So I walked around feeling like a piece of s%&t for a long while, blaming myself, trying to get closure.... Yeah, maybe's it's a phase he's going through. But you were engaged, correct? You deserved more than a lousy phone call. That's pretty brutal. I doubt you've heard the last of him. Perhaps he just needs space, maybe got cold feet. It's frustrating- because a good long talk would have made all the difference. that's the issue I had with my ex. I loved him loads- and I didn't want to lose him- if he had have simply talked to me about his concerns, i would have done everything I could to make things better. My ex did resurface...a couple months later (Friday actually)- and I was sooo mad I couldn't talk to him. I'm feeling like it's too late for us now. If your guy waits too long- he just might lose you too. Sorry you were treated so unfairly. D
Art_Critic Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 If your guy waits too long- he just might lose you too. Sometimes that is the best thing that could happen.. I never felt free of my ex gf till I moved on.. Even though I dated other women I wasn't over her.. But now I'm free from her.. she lost me and I don't want her back.. too bad she never knew
Author AloneNow125 Posted October 30, 2006 Author Posted October 30, 2006 I want to wait for him, I want him to come around. "Cowardly" is a perfect way to describe how this has happened. It seems such a stupid way to end it... after all this time... and when I still really and truly feel in my heart that we are right and we can make this work.
D-Lish Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Seems like the ball's in his court. That's not a fun position for you to be in. NC is a good way for you to regain control. Call it waiting, or moving on, taking control... however you need to frame it. By not contacting him you can work on things that you feel need addressing. So, when he does seek you out (and he probably will at some point) you will be in a better position to deal with his return. If he thinks you are moving on and forgetting about him~ you will give him something to think about. Don't pressure, or pursue at this point. It may push him further away. It's easy advice to give, but hard to follow, I know that. I was in your position a couple months ago. It wasn't until I gave him chasing him that he returned. I've dated men that communicate, and believe me~ it's much better to be with those kinds of guys than those that don't. D
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